I still remember all the nights I spent praying, dreaming, and crying because I wanted to not feel like a stranger in my own body. I lived like that for 30 years…my heart and mind constantly at war with the reflection I saw every day in the mirror. Broken, depressed, and tired, I never imagined I’d ever live a happy life.
Until…
I finally made the decision to be true to myself.
Almost 10 years ago now, I transitioned and it is still surreal to look in a mirror or see a picture because I never truly believed I’d be this happy or feel like I’m at home in my own body.
For my birthday the incredible and fantastic @halohaynes surprised me with a whole set of these from when they came to stay
When we first discussed this concept it was a little outside my comfort zone as I’ve never done anything topless and never been at all comfortable with my body but I trust them implicitly and wanted to push myself
There was a moment of gender euphoria catching myself in our bathroom mirror where I had to hold back tears so I didn’t their handiwork with my makeup - fast forward to this morning again holding back tears, both me and my boo, when we got to see the results
What I’m saying is I love their work as an artist but also their soul as a person
Things don’t always line up the way it seems like they would or should. Clothes can be an expression, but also mean something different to everyone. Gender is an experience, not a fixed location.
Please check out Laneha House, the small press who edited and printed the anthology The BAYlies that this is included in!
“I consider myself trans masculine. Throughout my life I’ve swung between presenting more masculine and more feminine.”
“It’s not that I felt equally boy and girl, it was more like… [BOY MODE] [GIRL SUBROUTINE]”
“Sometimes dressing "as a boy” would just make my dysphoria worse.“
"Excuse me, young lady!” [FAILURE]
“And sometimes dressing "as a girl” could enhance the boy feeling. (Maybe my wires got crossed or something…) It was kinda like it make me hyper aware of it.“
"Gender identity doesn’t always align with typical expectations of masculine or feminine gender expression. I just want to wear what makes me feel good!”
Gender euphoria is a concept that was made to be the opposite of gender dysphoria and describe the strong feeling of happiness that trans people experience when they’re being treated as their true gender. For some people, this feeling can be an indicator of being trans.
Please reblog to support the use of this term!
PROMOTE GENDER EUPHORIA
OKAY BUT FOR REAL, THIS IS INCREDIBLE. This is my first time coming across this term and I cannot even begin to explain how happy this makes me. Gender euphoria fits my experience so much better than gender dysphoria, a term I came across CONSTANTLY when trying to figure out who I was.
Throughout my life, I never had any noticeable dysphoria. I didn’t feel I was stuck in the wrong body and I wasn’t terribly self conscious about my chest. It wasn’t until I was in a group webcam chat that I even began to consider I might be trans.
Someone “mistook” me for a boy…and they were fairly confident about it too. Others in the chat corrected them, but it wasn’t until I told them myself, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m a girl.’ that they accepted it. But the thing that clicked in that moment was this alien feeling of absolute JOY being recognized as a boy. It honestly took me off guard. The further I went along in life, the more I yearned for and sought out retail workers that would call me sir and comments from my brother saying I look like a guy in photos. One time I was sick and someone said my voice was deep enough to be a guy’s, and suddenly, I could not stop talking. Those little things just made me so happy.
But for the longest time I doubted myself, and one of the reasons was because of the term ‘gender dysphoria’. From everything I was reading online, it seemed to me that gender dysphoria was the ONLY way you could be trans. And that screwed me over for a long time. I doubted myself a lot and even started to hate myself a little bit because I could’t let the idea of myself being trans go. (it also didn’t help that I was genderfluid, with an occasional lean towards being female, but that’s a whole ‘nother confusing addition to the pile of self doubt.) I eventually said screw it, I’ve had these feelings for long enough and strong enough, but it wasn’t a fun process getting to this point.
I guess what I’m trying to say with this incredibly condensed story of my life, is that gender EUPHORIA should be just as widespread as gender DYSPHORIA. It would help so many people like myself who were so confused for so long.
So much of the Euro-American understanding of being trans (or anything other than 100% constantly identified with your assigned gender) focuses on discomfort.
Some people take this idea to an extreme and claim you can’t be trans unless you hate your body and want every surgery available to you. As many other writers have said before, that’s not true. It’s perfectly possible to be trans with only mild dysphoria or none at all. It’s perfectly possible to be trans and have a mental map of your body that looks just like the one you already have.
But I’d like to push even harder against the idea that trans=discomfort. I’d like to offer this: sometimes the exploration of one’s gender can be motivated by pleasure rather than discomfort.
Let me give an example. Let’s say there’s a person named Cal. Most people think of Cal as a boy, and Cal’s all right with that. So far as Cal’s concerned, a boy isn’t a bad thing to be. But sometimes, Cal likes to imagine being a girl and being treated as a girl. Those fantasies are always accompanied by feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, anticipation, and warmth. Eventually, having had these thoughts for years, Cal asks people to use ‘she’ pronouns in private and to refer to her as a girl. Cal does this for another year before claiming the label “trans”.
Some people would say a person like Cal can’t be trans because there’s no dysphoria, self-hatred, distress, or even discomfort. There’s just a pleasure-based preference. But why is distress necessary? Why are trans people supposed to be defined solely by our pain and self-hatred?
It’s my opinion that defining trans people solely by discomfort is an aspect of transphobia. The idea behind trans=discomfort is that being anything other than 100% cis is so awful that no one would do it unless the alternative were unlivable. Think about that: defining trans people solely by their experiences of discomfort means believing that being trans is so awful that only misery could drive us to it. And to me, that sounds like the thinking of someone who really hates trans people.
So I’ll come out and say it: sometimes transition or self-exploration of gender is not just about lessening discomfort, but is about improving and deepening the pleasure we take in our lives.
“Think about that: defining trans people solely by their experiences of discomfort means believing that being trans is so awful that only misery could drive us to it.”
[ID 1: A short comic about gender identity. The cover page is an overview of an emerald green ocean. Text reads: “HEARTSONG / BY BECKETT ATTICUS.”]
[ID 2: A child is tidepooling in ankle-deep water. Their hair is blonde and chin length, and they are wearing a pink T-shirt. Two seagulls fly overhead. The child picks up a brilliant purple mussel shell, and their eyes go wide. Sunbeams break through the gray clouds ahead of them. Text reads: “MAYBE YOU HAD SOMETHING. JOY, OR PASSION. SOMETHING THAT MADE YOUR HEART SING. AND MAYBE YOU LOST IT.”]
[ID 3: Three panels shows the child’s hair growing longer. In the third, they are curled up with their face to their hands. Then, a series of closeups of hands on their hair, and a pair of scissors that snip a long strand. Text reads: “MAYBE IT’S BEEN GONE FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. MAYBE YOU HAVE DESPAIRED - BUT KNOW THIS: A DAY WILL COME WHEN IT WILL ALL SLIDE INTO PLACE.”]
[ID 4: The child, a teenager now, puts a hand on the mirror and looks at himself. His hair is cropped short, and a brilliant blue sky reflects in the mirror behind him. There is a close-up of him in a baseball cap, then of him doing a testosterone shot. Another close-up of his lower jaw with sparse stubble, and of him buttoning up a green shirt - top surgery scars are visible. A close-up of his eyes, and then of ocean water. Text reads: “AND YOU WILL RECOGNIZE WHAT WAS MISSING. AND THEN, WHEN THE TIME IS RIGHT,”]
[ID 5: He is an adult now. He stands in ankle-deep water on the beach, surrounded by tidepools, a lighthouse in the distance. He picks up a shimmering mussel shell, smaller in his hands this time. He stands to face the light, and sunbeams break through the cloud cover. Text reads: “IT WILL COME BACK AND YOUR HEART WILL SING ONCE MORE.”]
Ok but as a dysphoric trans man the whole ‘you need dysphoria to be trans’ actually baffles me because even tho I’ve always has crippling dysphoria, it didn’t actually help me figure out my gender at all. I usually dismissed my dysphoria as ‘internalized misogyny’ or just not being feminine enough, which actually just caused me worse dysphoria.
You know what made me figure out that I’m trans though? Gender euphoria. The minute I got called a ‘sir’ is the moment that I realized, “shit this feels right.” And at that point I realized that I could no longer deny the fact that I’m not a woman and that I couldn’t keep living as one.
Here’s a hot take: maybebeingtransisn’tsomuchabouthowuncomfortableyoucanbeinyourAGAB, but ratherhowmuchmorecomfortableyoucanbe.
So I’m going to be on display in a Human Library in Fall…
…and they asked for:
Your “Book” title A short description of the prejudice you are presenting for folks to overcome/ learn more about Why you think the topic is important to represent as part of the Human Library A high resolution headshot
So I give them this:
Anyway they’re freaking out and I guess there’s already a line of librarians that’s going to but in front of the patrons ^_^;
I’m ramping up to “Promoter Mode” in which I make an effort to let people know about some truly excellent projects.
I’ve amassed a solid collection of artwork and it will be released! It’s only a matter of time, and especially, balance!
ALT
On the one hand I’m so fearful of failing. I’m not looking forward to having to promote myself more intensely. Furthermore I am aware of physical tension I’m manifesting with worry!
and the other?
In my other hand I hold determination to respect my boundaries. I plan on enjoying my time completely during Pride Month. I will wear beautiful things and have my hair just so. I can manifest peace of mind, with practice!
So even if this Kickstarter fails, I will have enjoyed myself and made a conscious political choice to honor my Beloved Community.
ALT
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