#surviving abuse

It just pisses me off that my parents purposely screwed me over, never teaching me any valuable life skills & abusing & neglecting me until I was scared of everything, all because they wanted a perfectly obedient live-in servant. And when I finally started to advocate for myself, they realized they’d failed and tried to kill me.

Things have been ok for the last few months in respect to mental health. My mother had been on pretty good behavior, at least for her anyway. 

Though around the holidays she had a meltdown while driving and purposely tried to crash the car b/c we’d disagreed on something. Clearly that was terrifying but it’s not like it was the 1st time she’d done that. And thankfully she did not succeed.

 It scares me that I can write that out with a straight face. 

The last week she’s been acting like a complete gremlin. I know it’s because my birthday is coming up b/c she does this every year. She’s wicked for weeks and then enters all-out torture mode on my bday.

But I won’t give her the satisfaction. I have simply elected to no longer have a birthday. Or–at least not one I will tell anyone about.  

And i don’t mean a party. I mean the actual date. It’s become a trigger for me. I have so many trauma anniversaries on or around it, that the whole month of February is something of a psychological mine field. 

 I get stressed out by seeing the days count down on the calendar. So I have decided that it’s just any other day and I will move my birthday, a day for celebrating being alive, elsewhere.  

Since the holidays are upon us, just remember to take care of yourself.

I know the holidays are hard. I know some families act worse than monsters. 

I know a lot of people don’t have anyone to rely on. 

But if you can’t do anything else, please be kind to yourself.

They treat you inhumanely and convince you everyone else has worse intentions.

Theyare the devil you know.

Once you’re finally able to go out into the world, you’ve been trained to see everything & everyone as a potential danger. You know nothing else.

& When you’re always silent & shaking like a leaf people are less likely to want to be your friend.

Because your fear is visible, you look scary to everyone else. 

So you continue to be alone.

Reminder not to be lulled into a false sense of security by your abusers.

So much of being an abused kid is growing up to redefine your childhood.

And I’m not only talking about finally seeing your situation for what it was. I’m talking about reclaiming parts of your identity too.

So many of us had our ‘favorite things’ robbed from us. SO many of us were assigned a favorite color, favorite animal, favorite toy…We didn’t get to make that choice for ourselves. Our abusers tried to construct us into who they wanted us to be. It’s time to take back being you.

mostofmylifeisnotthere:

With Mother & Father’s day coming up, please remember you are not required to be grateful to abusive parents. Please remember,

• Don’t break no-contact.
• Don’t let family guilt you into breaking no-contact.
• Don’t feel guilty for living w/ them as an adult, you’re doing your best.
• Don’t feel you’re betraying yourself if you have to give ‘appeasement gifts.’
• DO put your mental & physical wellbeing first, as we know they won’t.
• Maybe get yourself something, so many of us had to be our own parent anyway.

I’m really glad that so many people are finding this post helpful but it also absolutely breaks my heart that so many people can relate.  

Stay strong & keep going you can do it!

mostofmylifeisnotthere:

With Mother & Father’s day coming up, please remember you are not required to be grateful to abusive parents. Please remember,

• Don’t break no-contact.
• Don’t let family guilt you into breaking no-contact.
• Don’t feel guilty for living w/ them as an adult, you’re doing your best.
• Don’t feel you’re betraying yourself if you have to give ‘appeasement gifts.’
• DO put your mental & physical wellbeing first, as we know they won’t.
• Maybe get yourself something, so many of us had to be our own parent anyway.

If you’re living in an abusive home & aren’t able to leave or aren’t ready yet, it’s perfectly okay & there is nothing wrong with you for staying put & waiting it out.

It is often safer to stay put, gather your resources & keep a roof over your head until you are ready to go.

It does NOT make you ‘weak’ or 'lazy’ or 'not trying hard enough.’

It’s okay to process your situation at your own pace.

It’s completely bizarre how quickly my mother cries at minor inconveniences. But yet, she went through years of physically & psychologically torturing me & I was expected the keep a straight face the whole time. It wasn’t “supposed” to effect me.

It’s just so strange being at a point when you realize you’re far more emotionally mature than your parents ever were & all the abusive behavior now has context.

They stopped maturing at an early age. They still solve problems by throwing tantrums and lashing out. They’re emotionally stuck as toddlers, maybe teenagers, at most. And they make no effort to improve themselves.

 It’s just sad.

Because they’re stuck like that.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s no excuse for abusive behavior. I did my years of being furious at them. I know forgiveness is useless because they’re dangerous & I’m smart enough to keep my distance. But I’m at a point where I feel bad for them. Because they’re unstable and they don’t want to get better.

One awful thing about being raised by abusive parents is that they don’t teach you basic social etiquette & they isolate you so you can’t learn.

 For years, maybe even decades you might do things that are rude, mean, or have bad connotations & you have NO clue because no one corrects you. 

Everyone raised in a good home assumes it’s your nature to be weird & rude so no one says anything out of fear of confrontation. And when someone DOES say something, it’s almost never somebody who corrects you gently. It’s almost always someone who explodes at you. 

Then you get confused as to whether you’re actually wrong or that person was just a jerk who likes to yell at people.

Only after I realized how seriously abusive my family was, did I understand that others thanking their own families for “love & support,” wasn’t just some cheesy gesture. 

It never dawned on me that other parents are a very real safety net for their kids & not demons behind closed doors.

My book She’ll Find the Sky is available here on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09NR9R9JB

Beautiful creatures cannot be confined. Her wings will grow, she’ll find the sky.

Music: Choir