What is your abusive parent’s favorite Love Crumb?
My mom’s was doing crafts together. She makes things for local boutiques and we used to do that together and she would just tell me I was good at it. That was quite literally the only praise I ever got about anything and it happened very rarely, but it was enough to fool me into thinking she didn’t absolutely loathe me as a human being.
My dad buys me whatever I want. Well, sometimes. If we’re at the store and I see something I want, I’ll try to buy it, but he refuses to let me pay for it myself. Other times, he won’t leave the store unless I buy something. He uses that to manipulate me. It’s so annoying.
Mommy Maddie time…I miss when I didn’t realize I wasn’t being abused …I still love her even though she hurts me
I used to get the promise of an investment property I could live in dangled in front of me. I believed it, truly, that mum and dad would help me in that way. That I could have that boost up. Never happened.
A couple of times I got taken to concerts I really wanted to go to, too. And once I got taken on a trip to another city, just my mother and me, but I suspect that was more for mum than me.
Children in abusive families aren’t accepted nor acknowledged as the valuable member of the family. They’re being told they’re freeloaders, someone allowed to live in the house who should be grateful they get to sleep there. They’re considered a financial burden, and an emotional one, if they ever need attention or care. They’re told to compare themselves to children who aren’t so lucky and are starvng on the street, or being abused much worse my caretakers. They’re forced to count their blessings, as if each and every one of them isn’t used against them. They’re only being presented as the children to guests and outsiders, who parents are trying to impress or play normal family game in front of. They’re being used by parents to feel good about themselves, and then discarded as if they’re worthless.
In healthy families no child is considered a burden, or less valuable than any other person in the family, it’s the opposite, the parents are able to acknowledge that as the youngest and most vulnerable member, the child should get most attention, care and help growing up and forming into an individual. In healthy families there’s no question of letting the child be hungry if there’s food, threatening them of losing place to sleep if they are able to provide a bed. There’s no comparing the child to those who were less lucky, it’s parents who question if they could do anything better, make the life of their child better. Child doesn’t have to worry about finances, or have anything they have or do used against them, they know whatever belongs to parents, is theirs as well, and they know if something goes wrong, parents are going to have their back. Healthy families give children feeling of safety, stability, value, confidence, support, and community. They’re a pillar of strength for the child. Child doesn’t have to fulfill certain conditions to deserve it, or work tirelessly to deserve to be a part of the family. There’s no game of pretense in front of outsiders, they’re not only a child of these people in certain conditions or when the parents find it convenient, they’re treated well at all times.
*gaslighting parent voice* I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I did to you, just know that it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you
Wait wait wait.
I’m so confused.
Is this not what a genuine apology is?
Now I’m worried I’ve been apologizing wrongly to everyone. How do I tell them I’m sorry my actions hurt them, as in I’m sorry for my actions, and sorry that the other person is having these emotions because of me, if sounding like this is gaslighting?
I thought this was the right way to do it. I don’t understand and I’m worried.
“I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I’ve done” deflecting blame off of you for behaviour and onto them for having the reaction
“Just know it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you” Not addressing the problem or the pain, making it about yourself and how it was an accident, not addressing the other person
“I’m sorry that I hurt you” is a good start, along with perhaps
“I know that I shouldn’t have treated you like that”
“If there’s any way I can make this up to you please don’t hesitate to let me know”
A good formula is
“I’m sorry for _____”
“It was wrong because” or “I was wrong because” (“i was in the wrong, I shouldn’t have treated you like that” or “I’m at fault here, I shouldn’t have yelled at you”)
“Next time I’ll _____” (“consider your feelings first”/“manage my anger in a way that isn’t taking it out on you”)
“Can you forgive me?”
The most important part of an apology is acknowledging the pain caused and taking responsibility for it. Using words like “I’m sorry you felt that way”, “you don’t understand, I meant it like X”, “you know that I’d never hurt you intentionally” is manipulative and doesn’t help anyone. (Not to say that you use those phrases, or are manipulative, but we all can be and it’s important to acknowledge these behaviours and cut them out in order to form healthy & strong relationships)
This is how vulnerable you were when your abusive parents started hitting you and telling you you’re shit. Look at this picture and let that sink in. Then stop blaming yourself.
Kids are never lost causes. Adults who say that are just too lazy or cold hearted to give a kid what it needs. My mother used to like to tell me that I was a lost cause. Specifically she would say, “I thought love could overcome anything, but I learned from you that I was wrong.” She would say this in response to me being not being the type of person she wanted me to be. If she wanted me to be a certain way and I wouldn’t be, she would say I would never let her love me. Of course, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Trying to make someone be something you want has nothing to do with love. She was constantly claiming that she was trying to love me and I just wouldn’t accept it.
Here’s the thing. She never tried. She abused me. She controlled me. She hit me. She swore at me. She blamed me for things I didn’t do. She told me I was lying when I was telling the truth. She told other people I was a bad kid. She yelled at me. She called me fat. She completely ignored me when I was doing everything right. She lied to me. She belittled me. She derided me. She chastised me. She scolded me. She did all these things and more, but love me? She never did that. Not one time during my entire life did she ever tell me she was proud of something I did. What kind of mother fails to be proud of their child?
What kind of mother tells her child that her own failure to love is the child’s fault? I don’t think I have to answer this question. I think we all know what kind of mother blames her failures on her children.
also i hate how having good parents is a privilege because so many people genuinely hate their parents like it litcherally kills me that not everyone had/has good parents or at least one good parent. if you dont love your children with everything you have fuck u bitch
I support this message but I have a Lot of Questions about the image attached to it
When your parents are being shitty and you have to be the adult in the room again:
You never deserve abuse because you’re too needy or clingy
You never deserve abuse because you “let it happen” or “didn’t fight back” or “didn’t stand up for yourself”
You never deserve abuse because you “let it get this far” or you “stayed this long”
You never deserve abuse because your abuser is your mother or father, sister or brother, other family member, your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, husband, or wife
You never deserve abuse because you have a particular mental or physical illness
You never deserve abuse because you’re “too emotional”
You never deserve abuse because you were “asking for it”
You never deserve abuse even though you’ve made mistakes, or said something wrong, or haven’t understood something, or can’t remember something
You never deserve abuse for being “too much” or “not good enough”
You never deserve abuse for having off days or being vulnerable sometimes
You never deserve abuse for asking for help
You never deserve abuse, no matter how many times and how many ways your abuser justifies it or makes excuses for it.
Omg thank you it’s hard for me to remember this because my whole life it’s been drilled into my head that it’s my fault
You folks made me so fucking sad. This was me too and I had to learn through therapy that this is not how it should be. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask your parents for comfort and support as a five-year-old who just had a nightmare. Your parents were assholes who made you feel like a burden for existing as a child.
Since I cut contact I’ve never ever needed MY mother.
All my life I’ve needed A mother, so since I’ve cut contact sometimes I’ve needed A mother, but I’ve never needed MY mother. because nobody needs toxicity and that’s all MY mother is.
Yes. This is exactly it
This. So. Much. This.
A woman I met online when I was fifteen who lives on the other side of the country is more of a mother to me than my maternal unit could ever hope to be.
It just pisses me off that my parents purposely screwed me over, never teaching me any valuable life skills & abusing & neglecting me until I was scared of everything, all because they wanted a perfectly obedient live-in servant. And when I finally started to advocate for myself, they realized they’d failed and tried to kill me.
Things have been ok for the last few months in respect to mental health. My mother had been on pretty good behavior, at least for her anyway.
Though around the holidays she had a meltdown while driving and purposely tried to crash the car b/c we’d disagreed on something. Clearly that was terrifying but it’s not like it was the 1st time she’d done that. And thankfully she did not succeed.
It scares me that I can write that out with a straight face.
The last week she’s been acting like a complete gremlin. I know it’s because my birthday is coming up b/c she does this every year. She’s wicked for weeks and then enters all-out torture mode on my bday.
But I won’t give her the satisfaction. I have simply elected to no longer have a birthday. Or–at least not one I will tell anyone about.
And i don’t mean a party. I mean the actual date. It’s become a trigger for me. I have so many trauma anniversaries on or around it, that the whole month of February is something of a psychological mine field.
I get stressed out by seeing the days count down on the calendar. So I have decided that it’s just any other day and I will move my birthday, a day for celebrating being alive, elsewhere.
I’ve been making a lot of progress in the last couple of months. I’m not in therapy because of finances but reading books has been helping. Not even self-help books though atm, just straight up fiction.
I’ve been taking a long look at the different kinds of relationships I’ve had in my life as a parallel to how I was raised & kind of micro analyzing them. A lot of things are finally making sense; About the way I treat myself & the way I let other people treat me. Reading fiction has helped because I get to look at lots of different character’s perspectives.
Even thought I’ve always been able to read people pretty well, interpersonal relationships have always been hard for me because of the abuse that started early in my life. It made me scared of other people and caused extreme anxiety.
Over the last year I’ve been working really hard to squelch my anxiety by getting a hold on my tendency to over-think everything & panic. A year ago I was having daily panic attacks. For the time being I’m not even experiencing them on a weekly basis.
Had family visit this weekend. And It got me thinking even more. I’m not the person I was a year ago. I’ve changed a lot. I’ve matured so much. More so than in any other period of my life. I’ve faced some things I’ve been purposely ignoring about myself. I’ve chilled out a lot. My mind isn’t always on over drive. I’m in no way cured, but I don’t think I ever knew what it meant to be calm before.
Seeing family reminded me of this because my family is a mess. Most of them are much older than me & their behavior is so self centered and abusive. It’s awkward because they really don’t care about other people.
They like hurting people for fun, and they don’t think their actions should have consequences.
They taught their children to be seen & not heard & granted them no autonomy, no self esteem. Now they don’t understand why their kids are cutting them out or having behavioral issues.
Had an aunt lose her cool with me because she said something really awful about how she treats others & I calmly called her on it. She was FURIOUS.
I don’t care if these older family members have been getting away acting like this for decades. I’m not going to sit quietly any more. They don’t scare me.
So much of being an abused kid is growing up to redefine your childhood.
And I’m not only talking about finally seeing your situation for what it was. I’m talking about reclaiming parts of your identity too.
So many of us had our ‘favorite things’ robbed from us. SO many of us were assigned a favorite color, favorite animal, favorite toy…We didn’t get to make that choice for ourselves. Our abusers tried to construct us into who they wanted us to be. It’s time to take back being you.
With the 4th of July just a few days away, please remember to take care of yourself if you struggle with loud sounds!!!
If you’re staying in:
Headphones are your best friend!
Make a playlist of relaxing music like classical or lofi to drown out fireworks.
Play your favorite films!
Prepare some favorite snacks & non-caffeinated drinks!
Use plastic plates/ cups so there’s no loud sound/shards if knocked over
Swaddle yourself in blankets!
If you’re going out:
Headphones are also your best friend!
If you don’t have internet/phone/or headphones, ask to borrow from a friend/sibling. (I’m sure they’ll understand)
You can buy ear plugs at most Pharmacies like CVS or Rite-aid.You can also wear them under headphones for an advanced bumper.
Makeshift ear plugs can be made of toilet paper or tissues.
Remember to charge your phone incase you get separated from your group!!!
The 4th is on ⭑Thursday⭑ this year so make sure you prepare ahead of time incase of early fireworks.
As always stay hydrated (seriously it’s hot out there), remember to take your meds/ vitamins, & check on your loved ones if they are noise adverse (including animals)! And Please add on what you do to cope! It could help others more than you know!
I know it was a bit ago, BUT a little update on how mother’s day went this year:
My sibling and I, for the past few years, gave our abusive mother appeasement gifts. Mostly because I’d likely get physically & verbally attacked if we didn’t.
This year was different. We didn’t do a single thing for her. Both of us are just completely fed up with her.
Thankfully it was a cold & rainy day, so she slept most of it. Only exploding at me once about something ‘unrelated’ (yeah sure). But she got nothing because she deserved nothing.
