What is your abusive parent’s favorite Love Crumb?
My mom’s was doing crafts together. She makes things for local boutiques and we used to do that together and she would just tell me I was good at it. That was quite literally the only praise I ever got about anything and it happened very rarely, but it was enough to fool me into thinking she didn’t absolutely loathe me as a human being.
My dad buys me whatever I want. Well, sometimes. If we’re at the store and I see something I want, I’ll try to buy it, but he refuses to let me pay for it myself. Other times, he won’t leave the store unless I buy something. He uses that to manipulate me. It’s so annoying.
Mommy Maddie time…I miss when I didn’t realize I wasn’t being abused …I still love her even though she hurts me
I used to get the promise of an investment property I could live in dangled in front of me. I believed it, truly, that mum and dad would help me in that way. That I could have that boost up. Never happened.
A couple of times I got taken to concerts I really wanted to go to, too. And once I got taken on a trip to another city, just my mother and me, but I suspect that was more for mum than me.
Children in abusive families aren’t accepted nor acknowledged as the valuable member of the family. They’re being told they’re freeloaders, someone allowed to live in the house who should be grateful they get to sleep there. They’re considered a financial burden, and an emotional one, if they ever need attention or care. They’re told to compare themselves to children who aren’t so lucky and are starvng on the street, or being abused much worse my caretakers. They’re forced to count their blessings, as if each and every one of them isn’t used against them. They’re only being presented as the children to guests and outsiders, who parents are trying to impress or play normal family game in front of. They’re being used by parents to feel good about themselves, and then discarded as if they’re worthless.
In healthy families no child is considered a burden, or less valuable than any other person in the family, it’s the opposite, the parents are able to acknowledge that as the youngest and most vulnerable member, the child should get most attention, care and help growing up and forming into an individual. In healthy families there’s no question of letting the child be hungry if there’s food, threatening them of losing place to sleep if they are able to provide a bed. There’s no comparing the child to those who were less lucky, it’s parents who question if they could do anything better, make the life of their child better. Child doesn’t have to worry about finances, or have anything they have or do used against them, they know whatever belongs to parents, is theirs as well, and they know if something goes wrong, parents are going to have their back. Healthy families give children feeling of safety, stability, value, confidence, support, and community. They’re a pillar of strength for the child. Child doesn’t have to fulfill certain conditions to deserve it, or work tirelessly to deserve to be a part of the family. There’s no game of pretense in front of outsiders, they’re not only a child of these people in certain conditions or when the parents find it convenient, they’re treated well at all times.
*gaslighting parent voice* I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I did to you, just know that it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you
Wait wait wait.
I’m so confused.
Is this not what a genuine apology is?
Now I’m worried I’ve been apologizing wrongly to everyone. How do I tell them I’m sorry my actions hurt them, as in I’m sorry for my actions, and sorry that the other person is having these emotions because of me, if sounding like this is gaslighting?
I thought this was the right way to do it. I don’t understand and I’m worried.
“I’m sorry if you feel hurt by anything I’ve done” deflecting blame off of you for behaviour and onto them for having the reaction
“Just know it was never my intention to hurt you and that I love you” Not addressing the problem or the pain, making it about yourself and how it was an accident, not addressing the other person
“I’m sorry that I hurt you” is a good start, along with perhaps
“I know that I shouldn’t have treated you like that”
“If there’s any way I can make this up to you please don’t hesitate to let me know”
A good formula is
“I’m sorry for _____”
“It was wrong because” or “I was wrong because” (“i was in the wrong, I shouldn’t have treated you like that” or “I’m at fault here, I shouldn’t have yelled at you”)
“Next time I’ll _____” (“consider your feelings first”/“manage my anger in a way that isn’t taking it out on you”)
“Can you forgive me?”
The most important part of an apology is acknowledging the pain caused and taking responsibility for it. Using words like “I’m sorry you felt that way”, “you don’t understand, I meant it like X”, “you know that I’d never hurt you intentionally” is manipulative and doesn’t help anyone. (Not to say that you use those phrases, or are manipulative, but we all can be and it’s important to acknowledge these behaviours and cut them out in order to form healthy & strong relationships)
This is how vulnerable you were when your abusive parents started hitting you and telling you you’re shit. Look at this picture and let that sink in. Then stop blaming yourself.
Kids are never lost causes. Adults who say that are just too lazy or cold hearted to give a kid what it needs. My mother used to like to tell me that I was a lost cause. Specifically she would say, “I thought love could overcome anything, but I learned from you that I was wrong.” She would say this in response to me being not being the type of person she wanted me to be. If she wanted me to be a certain way and I wouldn’t be, she would say I would never let her love me. Of course, that doesn’t make any sense at all. Trying to make someone be something you want has nothing to do with love. She was constantly claiming that she was trying to love me and I just wouldn’t accept it.
Here’s the thing. She never tried. She abused me. She controlled me. She hit me. She swore at me. She blamed me for things I didn’t do. She told me I was lying when I was telling the truth. She told other people I was a bad kid. She yelled at me. She called me fat. She completely ignored me when I was doing everything right. She lied to me. She belittled me. She derided me. She chastised me. She scolded me. She did all these things and more, but love me? She never did that. Not one time during my entire life did she ever tell me she was proud of something I did. What kind of mother fails to be proud of their child?
What kind of mother tells her child that her own failure to love is the child’s fault? I don’t think I have to answer this question. I think we all know what kind of mother blames her failures on her children.
also i hate how having good parents is a privilege because so many people genuinely hate their parents like it litcherally kills me that not everyone had/has good parents or at least one good parent. if you dont love your children with everything you have fuck u bitch
I support this message but I have a Lot of Questions about the image attached to it
When your parents are being shitty and you have to be the adult in the room again:
You never deserve abuse because you’re too needy or clingy
You never deserve abuse because you “let it happen” or “didn’t fight back” or “didn’t stand up for yourself”
You never deserve abuse because you “let it get this far” or you “stayed this long”
You never deserve abuse because your abuser is your mother or father, sister or brother, other family member, your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, husband, or wife
You never deserve abuse because you have a particular mental or physical illness
You never deserve abuse because you’re “too emotional”
You never deserve abuse because you were “asking for it”
You never deserve abuse even though you’ve made mistakes, or said something wrong, or haven’t understood something, or can’t remember something
You never deserve abuse for being “too much” or “not good enough”
You never deserve abuse for having off days or being vulnerable sometimes
You never deserve abuse for asking for help
You never deserve abuse, no matter how many times and how many ways your abuser justifies it or makes excuses for it.
Omg thank you it’s hard for me to remember this because my whole life it’s been drilled into my head that it’s my fault
You folks made me so fucking sad. This was me too and I had to learn through therapy that this is not how it should be. You shouldn’t be afraid to ask your parents for comfort and support as a five-year-old who just had a nightmare. Your parents were assholes who made you feel like a burden for existing as a child.
Since I cut contact I’ve never ever needed MY mother.
All my life I’ve needed A mother, so since I’ve cut contact sometimes I’ve needed A mother, but I’ve never needed MY mother. because nobody needs toxicity and that’s all MY mother is.
Yes. This is exactly it
This. So. Much. This.
A woman I met online when I was fifteen who lives on the other side of the country is more of a mother to me than my maternal unit could ever hope to be.
I know it was a bit ago, BUT a little update on how mother’s day went this year:
My sibling and I, for the past few years, gave our abusive mother appeasement gifts. Mostly because I’d likely get physically & verbally attacked if we didn’t.
This year was different. We didn’t do a single thing for her. Both of us are just completely fed up with her.
Thankfully it was a cold & rainy day, so she slept most of it. Only exploding at me once about something ‘unrelated’ (yeah sure). But she got nothing because she deserved nothing.
Narcissistic mothers enjoy pitting one child against the other. This way, they never bond. The Golden Child then remains closest to the mother while the scapegoat is isolated.
Be warned; this could be disturbing to some. My narcissistic mother loved to control food. Every bite I took, she controlled. She put the food on my plate I was allowed to eat. This week I have had multiple dreams about a week from my childhood where it took a fairly dark turn. When I was around 5 or 6, my mother informed me that they were taking my brother to an amusement park in another state. I was going to stay with a family that went to “church” (Armstrong cult) with them. I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t stay with my Great Aunt and Uncle where I typically stayed. I remember I was dropped off at this strange house in the late afternoon. They had a daughter close to my age, but I had never met her before. She was standing on the porch and yelled “She’s here” when I arrived. I next remember sitting down at their dinner table. It was stone silent and the mother said: “Your mother told me that you have eating issues and left a list for me of what you can have” My cheeks burned in embarrassment. She continued: “I’m not sure what you’re going to have while you’re here. We don’t eat those foods” I wanted to sink through the floor. I sat there in silence as they ate, too afraid to say anything. As soon as they were finished, the mother took me down stairs to a partially finished basement. She told me where to put my sleeping bag on the floor. She then let me know that my mother had told her that I was defiant about going to be, and that wasn’t accepted in their house. I sat alone for the rest of the night on my sleeping bag.
When morning came, I was called upstairs to “breakfast’ where I was offered a piece of dry toast while they had cereal and milk. I was told I could go out in the backyard to play. I sat in the grass under a tree for the majority of the day.
At lunch, there was a sandwich of 1 slice of white bread and a piece of cheese. The girl that was my age sat across the table from me eating a large bag of potato chips, staring at me. She never spoke a word to me.
Dinner was once again an empty plate. When I asked if I could have some cabbage, the man in the house took me by the arm and dragged me away from the table. He said; “You need to learn to shut up”. And told me to go downstairs. I didn’t speak again.
I was there for a week. I was so tired and weak that all I could do was sit and try not to cry. My stomach hurt. My muscles were cramped and my head pounded. My eyes were dry and sore.
When my parents finally showed up, the mother told them: “that is the most ungrateful child I’ve ever met. She has not thanked me one time for anything” My mother whipped me right then.
They dropped me off at my Great Aunt and Uncle’s house later that evening. I ate so much that they questioned me. I finally let myself cry. When I told them about my week, they were in shock. My parents had told them I was going on vacation with them.
Yesterday I got a postcard from my mom. She lives in Florida & was sending me a postcard from Southern California to say she’d been visiting her sisters for the last time because she doesn’t plan to fly anymore ever again now that she’s retired.
I was pissed. I live in Northern California, and she hadn’t even told me she was coming all the way across the country, let alone suggest visiting me while she was here, despite the fact that we haven’t seen each other in years & she plans to “never fly again” and so this would have been her last chance.
My husband didn’t understand. He said, “You hate your mom. You wouldn’t have wanted her to visit you. You don’t want to see her.”
And I said, “Yeah. I absolutely don’t want to see her. … But she should still want to see me.”
It doesn’t make any emotional sense. I guess this just means she finally got the hint that I want nothing to do with her. But it just felt like a metaphor for my whole life: my mom never did want to see me. She never DID see me. And now she’s just given up the pretense.
It doesn’t make any emotional sense for me to be upset that she didn’t make an effort to see me even when I don’t want to see her, but it still makes me mad … and sad.
