Amarirefers to an unspecified or general feeling of attraction. This can refer to someone who chooses not to distinguish different types of attraction, does not prioritize any one kind of it, or otherwise, or it may refer to those who simply feel a sense of unspecified and/or general attraction and/or ‘love’ in some kind of way.
It can be considered its own form of attraction depending on who uses it, and can be called “amari attraction,” “amarous attraction,“ or "ama attraction” if the user wishes. Amari can be used alongside other forms of attraction using the split-attraction-model. Those who exclusively have amarous attraction may or may not consider themselves aspec, depending on why they’re using the term and if they personally feel it fits them.
Amarity is the full term describing “amari-ness,” (like asexuality or aromanticism), and ama is the shortened form of the term (like ace, aro, apl, etc.) Amarous may be used as an adjective (ex: amarous relationship, amarous attraction.)
Amari “crushes” can be called a tresh, or rush- though, some amari people might be comfortable just using crush, squish, or any other term.
Users may partake in something like relationship anarchy, or be amatopunk. This could be considered an amatopunk or relationship-anarchy oriented form of attraction for some people. Those who are amatopunk or relationship anarchists may intentionally choose to be amarous for political, social, or other reasons.
The suffix for amarous terms is “-mari,“ and can be used after any orientation prefix, like homomari, heteromari, bimari, and panmari. No two amarous relationships have to function in the same way.
Challenging notions of what it means to be in a relationship, defining love, and how important each form of it is to society. Amatopunk as an idea challenges amatonormantivity, and how society views aspec people, polyamorous people, and others who do not fit into the “right” mold. Anyone can identify with amatopunk and be a part of it if it fits them.
While it was made with aspecs and polyamorous people primarily in mind, this is because those are groups I am in. So long as you identify with the ideas of amatopunk, you are welcome to use it however you want.
Amatopunk will mean different things for different people, and that’s okay. It’s a broad, inclusive label for different types of people, and how amatonormantivity affects them and/or their community.
Amatopunk does not include or accept dangerous relationship styles, or things that harm other people. Notable examples including pedophilia, zoophilia, and incest. People who fit or support those groups do not touch this.
anarospec orientation in which one does not experience romantic attraction, but occasionally feels as if they do. One can be perfectly aware that the attraction is fake, non-romantic or being misunderstood, but the feelings stay there. This fake attraction feels like what one imagines a crush feels like, and may consume one’s thoughts despite one not wanting to be attracted to the person in question. It may be caused by or related to neurodivergence or amatonormativity, but it doesn’t have to be.
Etymology: apomí coming from the Greek word “απομίμηση” (pronounced as “apomímisi”) meaning fake + romantic
[ID: The “is this a pigeon” meme. "Alloros" points at “romance” and asks, is this… -personal growth? -a redemption arc? -character development? -mental health recovery? -the meaning of life? -a solution to my problems? -the foundation of my self worth? -my only conversation topic? -a happy ending? -an interesting plotline? End ID.]
[ID: A cartoon goose akin to the one from Untitled Goose Game holding an aromantic flag in its beak running away from amatonormativity in the form of several police cars labelled “when will you finally get married?”; The One™, “just give love a chance”; soulmate AUs; “something more”; “you’ll change your mind eventually”; and romance subplots. End ID.]
[ID: Fred from Scooby Doo unmasks a villain, “the trope of romance supposedly magically turning someone into a good/better person." Fred says "Okay gang, let’s see who this really is” and pulls off the mask to reveal “the arophobic idea that not being in love makes someone a bad/worse person.” End ID.]
[ID: How to apply clown makeup in four steps. The first is white face paint, “I ask my aromantic child how their love life is going.” Next is the eye, cheek, and lip makeup, “I pressure them to answer me when they don’t have an answer.” Then the clown wig, “I tell them their singleness is wrong and prioritize my want for grandchildren over my child’s happiness.” In the final step, they put on their clown nose and say “I’m such a great parent,” and the transformation into a clown is complete. End ID.]
Image of the “The Simpsons” meme where the bus driver taps the sign. The bus driver is taping the bottom left of the sign in the both images. The first one reads “Asexuality and aromanticism are inherently queer experiences. Even if an ace person is heteromantic or an aro person is heterosexual, they are still queer by the virtue of their aspec experience.”
The next image says, “Our heteronormative society is both allonormative and amatonormative and, therein, expects all people to experience sexual and romantic attraction exclusively to someone of the ‘opposite’ gender by default. Asexuality and aromanticism undoubtedly queer those rigid standards.”
Think the worst thing about arophobia is that you can explain to someone, very politely and intelligently, over and over and over and over again, why their opinion is deeply amatonormative, and they’ll just continue to repeat their same original argument which always just boils down to ‘but those are my emotional support unexamined societal norms!!’
not to be aro on main or anything but I just think so many things would be better if we told kids “oh that’s ok, not everyone likes that kind of relationship” or “not everyone likes doing that” instead of “oh how silly, you’ll understand when you’re older~” when they express disgust or confusion around romantic and/or sexual relationships
it’s so funny when couples are like despite cheating on each other and lying and absolutely despising each other we’re still going strong ❤️ like ok sorry to hear that
I wish it wasn’t weird/awkward to tell people you have like, a distant crush on them lol. Like, I don’t need anything, I’m not asking for anything, I just want you to know I’m a little about your existence and I’m glad I know you.
[ID: The Scooby Doo ghost meme. In the first panel, Fred looks at a ghost, labelled “the reason why “romantic love saves the day” is seen as a mature plot point but "friendship saves the day" is seen as childish”, and says “Okay gang, let’s see who the ghost really is.“ In the second panel, Fred pulls off the mask and looks at a man labelled “amatonormativity”. End ID]
As aros, we tend to be quite aware of amatonormativity, but it might be hard to explain or give concrete examples of it, especially when explaining it to alloromantics. This guide and workbook aims to explain what amatonormativity is by giving examples of how it manifests and how it can be harmful. Through a series of exercises and reflections, people can learn to better identify and challenge amatornomativity. There are also a number of sources and narratives to help people understand its impact and learn from lived experiences. The worbook is aimed at (monogamous) alloromantic folks, but could be useful for aros who are struggling with internalized amatonormativity.
There are currently five versions of the guide/workbook:
Digital workbook (fillable PDF)
Printer-friendly workbook (printable PDF)
Google Docs version
Youtube (audio with CC)
Downloable MP3
The workbook can be found on here on my WordPress. Feel free to share it, especially with people in your life who could benefit from learning about amatonormativity.
A thanks and a shout-out to those who helped, including @aroace-avenue.
This is an amazing guide written by an amazing person! Finding ways to introduce alloromantics to amatonormativity and to have them actually spend time thinking about it deeply is really hard. This is a starting point to get them going!
I haven’t watched Stranger Things and I’m not going to, but from the clips and gifs I’ve seen of Will, he absolute SCREAMS aromantic to me and I can’t find anycreature else saying that anywhere
As an aro, I often preach that we need to be working together, (as the aspec community and as a society in general,) to dismantle the norms that say every person wants/needs a partner, that everyone needs to get married, and that those things are requirements for happiness. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, especially because these norms harm many different groups of people, not only aspecs.
What I’m really tired of, is allos automatically assuming that because I preach these things, that I hate marriage, romance and love, that I have a vendetta towards people who engage in those things, and that I want to make alloromantic people feel guilty for being alloromantic.
It’s another classic case of “it’s not about you, it’s about the systemic norms we all live with and experience in day-to-day life.”
I hold no hate or dislike towards anyone who is in a romantic relationship, married, or engaging in other romantic activities with a partner or partners. Really. I have two parents and many family members and friends that are happily married and in love.
That being said, I don’t want to engage in romance and I am not alloromantic, so these norms impact me in a profound way that’s sometimes hard to describe. I want to dismantle the norms because it will make my life and many other’s lives a lot easier. This does not mean, however, that I support the absolute collapse of the components of these norms.
If some people’s thoughts didn’t always jump straight to “this person’s views and opinions are attacking me and my lifestyle,” when engaging in conversations about amatonormativity and the norms that come with it, then they would recognize that most aromantic people actually support romance-favourability.
Know the difference between dismantling the systemic romantic normsandabolishing the entire system of romantic components and ideas whichencompass said norms.
The former is an effective way to make many groups of people feel more comfortable and less alienated, and the latter is just as ineffective and discriminatory as pushing for romantic norms to be continued they are now. As aros, most of us just want to feel like we belong in a society that constantly reminds us that we don’t. It is not our goal to make allos feel guilty, or to radically change society’s ideals to fit an inherently romance-negative narrative.
We just want to dismantle amatonormativity in society, by changing the mindset and narrative to a way of thinking that does not discriminate between alloromantic and aromantic people. That’s all.
You know maybe amatonormativity exists but it’s hard to say that when I’m 90% sure gay people were not being encouraged to seek out relationships by the wider culture until maybe 2005-ish
what’s amatonormativity?
A Tumblr-based sociological theory that boils down to “compulsory alloromanticism” but I’ve also seen it defined to include monogamy as another expectation under the header of amatonormativity
Amatonormativity is not tumblr based- it was not created on tumblr nor was it popularised on tumblr. Amatonormativity was not even coined by asexual people or with asexual people in mind exclusively.
Amantonormativity was coined by feminist academic Elizabeth Brake in her book “Minimising Marriage” to refer to:
the assumptions that a central, exclusive, amorous relationship is normal for humans, in that it is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is normative, in that it should be aimed at in preference to other relationship types. (Source)
Amatornormativity doesn’t just affect asexual and aromantic people. Whilst it’s often asexual and aromantic people you see talking about amatonormativity (because we become hyper aware of it due to how it affects us), it actually impacts the lives of people of all orientations, including LGBT+ people.
Amatonormativity in practice is…
The assumption that all single people are unhappy with their status and looking not to be single.
“Coming of age” milestones often revolving around romantic accomplishments (first kiss, first crush, first love, marriage, etc).
Non romantic partnerships (sexual or platonic) being looked down upon.
A sort of relationship hierarchy where marriage is at the top and everything else falls somewhere below it.
The expectation for romantic partners to be more important than jobs, hobbies or other commitments in a person’s life. And the belief that people who choose to pursue the former are selfish.
People who are not seeking exclusive romantic relationships being seen as less mature, stable, trustworthy or settled.
The structuring of laws and society on the basis that eventually everyone will be in a committed romantic partnership (marriage).
The toxic idea of a “friendzone” (which of course, overlaps with misogyny), where friendship with a woman is seen as “second prize” to a relationship with her.
People settling for someone they’re not really happy with or compatible with just to fulfil the desire or expectation to have a partner.
Non-aromantic asexual people trying to normalise their orientation by saying they can still “fall in love” or “have relationships” “just like anyone else”.
Asexual people or people who don’t feel attraction to anyone feeling pressured to seek out and enter into relationships.
And much more…
Violations of amatonormativity would include dining alone by choice, putting friendship above romance, bringing a friend to a formal event or attending alone, cohabiting with friends, or not searching for romance. (Source)
I think it’s important to understand that discussions around amatonormativity usually aren’t (or shouldn’t be) asking people to see their individual romantic relationships as less important, because wanting a long-term monogamous romantic relationship isn’t inherently amatonormative.
Amatonormativity is about the bigger picture of how society treats romantic relationships. It’s about placing romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy and then claiming that most meaningful close and intimate connections to other humans are only accessable through them. Amatonormativity is the assumption that everyone wants to end up in a monogamous long-term romantic relationship and then decrying anyone who wants a relationship that doesn’t fit into that very narrow category.
Every individual person has to figure out for themselves which types of relationships they desire or don’t desire and how much importance they want to give them. Amatonormativity criticizes the fact that that’s not a question you are normally asked in the first place, because the answer is always assumed.
I think if in the end someone decides to prioritize their romantic relationships, they will still have defied amatonormativity simply through consciously making that decision, and through not assuming the same for everyone else. To me, dismantling amatonormativity is about deconstructing the assumed hierarchy of relationships, giving people the chance to actually think about what they truly want, and opening the pathways for those possibilities.
begging some of you to shut up actually the amatonormative society we live in is actively fucking harmful to literally everyone not just aros. having a romantic partner and your blood relatives are not the only important relationships that exist and obviously wanting one is not inherently bad but the importance placed on them in our society is. well it’s not great to say the least !!!
i keep seeing ppl say that “it’s not bad to want a relationship you guys are so fucking annoying and wrong” in response to posts by aros and like literally nobody was saying that we are saying that acting like romantic relationships are the pinnacle and something that should be longed for at all times because they will instantly cure all that ail you is not rly a good thing and is a viewpoint that actively hurts yourself as well as other people
Word. I’m alloromantic, and I absolutely agree with this post. There are several reasons amatonormativity sucks a rats arse for everyone!
Housing is not geared towards single people and living with your family or in a shared flat/house is seen as immature and something you’re supposed to grow out of.
everything is so much more expensive and married people get tax write-offs because…???
Jobs. Sexism overlap: Some employers think married women are more moral and dependable, others think that yes, you’re a single woman now, but eventually marriage and babies will happen, so why invest in you? Either way, you lose.
If you’re a happy single, family gatherings will get annoying/unbearable. Fast. Because everyone will have an opinion on what you’re doing wrong and will try to set you up with people you have nothing in common with. Just being single and living your best life is apparently Not Done.
Being a single parent is hell. That’s why too many people stay in toxic relationships “for the sake of the children”.
Beauty and fashion industries. The idea that we should dress our bodies not for comfort but to appeal to potential love-interests hurts both our wallets and our self-esteem. But if you don’t adhere to that, you’re seen as either weird or slovenly, and that can have actual consequences where your job and your social standing are concerned. This especially affects disabled people.
The fucking media. Not everything needs romance subplots (looking at you, The Hobbit) and this is actually a problem that overlaps with compulsory heteronormativity - it’s both that make it “weird” for the hero not to get a girl. And that keeps female characters stuck in the function of “love interest” almost exclusively. It sucks.
The Lens™. You know, I’d like to be viewed as a person first, not as a potential love-interest. This one strongly overlaps with misogyny - cishet men tend to only try and relate to women who they find attractive. I want the categories of “fuckable” and “possible future girlfriend” to stop existing!
I’m sure there’s more.
i definitely have more to add (disclaimer I’m american and mainly talking about america, but many of these will still be relevant outside of that to varrying degrees)
legal incentives for marriage: there are many legal benefits (tax credits, split ownership, medical rights, etc) that can only be gained through marriage, as well as much of society being structured around marriage, making it much more difficult for both single and multiply partnered people
expanding on issues with multiply partnered people, amatonormativity also applies to non monogamy, or poly relationships. the expectation for relationships is two hetero people in a life long monogamous child bearing relationship, and so relationships that exist outside of of that are heavily scrutinized, if they’re tolerated at all. This is also where heteronormativity overlaps heavily with amatonormativity!
now expanding on child rearing: the invention of the nuclear family model also erased the use of community raising of children. throughout human history, raising children was really done by the whole community, with varying degrees of blood relatives, neighbors, friends, and etc, and this allowed for children to have a wide support network and be well taken care of and protected from abuse, since a child with more adults to rely on isn’t going to be isolated in abuse as much. nowadays, it’s very hard for more than 2 people to be legal guardians of a child, and even adopting while unmarried or with more than one partner is near impossible.
expectation to have children. this is another overlap with misogyny, but part of amatonormativity is not only the expectation to get married, but also to have children! luckily more and more people are choosing not to have kids and this is being more widely accepted, but its still a default you have to “opt out” of and have a reason to not have kids, otherwise something is “wrong” with you/your relationship. it is much healthier to only have kids if you actively want them, rather than have them because you don’t have a “good enough” reason not to.
Living wages. it takes two adults working full time above minimum wage to provide for a family, making being a single parent much much harder.
expected structure and progression of a relationship. the ideal relationship model is made out to be a monogamous romantic relationship that moves at the right place- too fast you’re a slut or needy, too slow you’re prude or cold hearted. romance is also expected to involve things like kissing, cuddling, and sex to the point where people often feel like they are owed these in relationships, even if they’ve never communicated with their partner about it and learned whether or not they’re okay with any of those things. this expectation is also particularly hostile towards non romantic life partnerships (which yes they exist and no its not homophobic to be a same sex couple engaging in a non romantic and/or non sexual life partnerships. these are still good queer rep and important to respect and include.)
partners are property. this can overlap with misogyny, but exists outside of that as well imo. a romantic partner is seen as “belonging” to one another, where they may feel entitled to your time, emotions, body (ties into expectations of physical affection and sex), and even your life decisions. this amplified against women obviously, where they’re expected to give up personal and professional lives for a male partner, but it can go both ways. imo it’s unreasonable to be expected to give up or significantly change life or career goals for a person- your partners should work with your life, not against it. the pressure and self worth tied to relationships leads to a lot of people giving up education, job, or personal fulfillment opportunities to stay in relationships. Hell, I’ve even know some people where their coming out/transitioning was interrupted or delayed by staying in relationships longer than was healthy, all due to a fear of loneliness.
the idea that being alone = unhappiness, and that loneliness is only solved with romantic connection. people are often told, in exact words, that happiness comes with romantic love. this is expressed in a variety of ways, like that life doesn’t start until you’re in a relationship or married, or if you break up with someone you’ll be unhappy (even if that person is making you miserable), or that a romantic relationship will cure your depression. in reality, none of these garuntee happiness. Yes a relationship has the potential to bring happiness, but that is not inherent to the relationship, but rather a product of the time and bonding spent with another person, which can be done without romance.
relationship hierarchy. this is definitely something I know a lot of aros are salty about, myself included. this is the idea that a romantic relationship is the most important and should be upkept before-or even at the cost of–all others. this often leads to people getting in relationships and just.. leaving behind or dropping contact with friends, sometimes family, and limiting their social connection to primarily one person. this is shitty for many reasons, including the fact that you drop relationships, but also because it socially isolates people and makes them vulnerable to abuse. its expected and normal to drop friends because they don’t like your partner, even if they don’t like them because they treat you like shit. the hierarchy of romance, then family, then friends last also leads to people not utilizing friends as important social connections even if they’re single, which really can amplify feelings of loneliness and isolation. many people keep friends who just do stuff together, but never actually talk, bond, and support each other in the way that’s essential for many people.
lastly, and probably the thing that will make people hate me the most, is obsessive shipping. amatonormativity absolutely influences the mentality that characters need to be in a relationship to be happy, and the main benefit of enjoying and creating media is to synthesize romantic and/or sexual relationships. combined with loneliness, hyperfixation or obsession, leads to people who only consume media for shipping purposes, struggle to interpret anything outside of a shipping lense, and will reject or even become hostile towards anything that goes against their ship/s (like people harassing creators to make ships canon, ruining careers of people that don’t make ships canon, shipping irl people including minors, “shipping discourse” leading to harassment campaigns, violently rejecting non-romantic interpretations of a relationship, even accusing real life people of “queer baiting” for not being out/in a relationship. it goes on and on). Not saying all shipping is bad or goes that far, but its core it’s absolutely saturated with unchecked amatonormativity, and unfortunately most people are unwilling to hear any criticism of fandom, especially when it involves examining its own toxicity. this has definitely led to many aspecs abandoning fandom, or only engaging in it within the aspec community.
and yeah. that’s all I got rn, but tldr amatonormativity absolutely exists and affects everyone not just aros, and even significantly shapes society.
Ok long quote incoming, but this whole post is so comprehensively on point, and every time the violence of amatonormativity is deconstructed as carefully as this I think about Alexandra Kollontai’s writings about love and sexual relations under class society and the way it infects every aspect of life…
“We are people living in the world of property relationships, a world of sharp class contradictions and of an individualistic morality. We still live and think under the heavy hand of an unavoidable loneliness of spirit. Man experiences this ‘loneliness’ even in towns full of shouting, noise and people — even in a crowd of close friends and work-mates. Because of their loneliness men are apt to cling in a predatory and unhealthy way to illusions about finding a 'soul mate’ from among the members of the opposite sex. They see sly Eros as the only means of charming away, if only for a time, the gloom of inescapable loneliness.
”[…] It is the bourgeoisie who have carefully tended and fostered the ideal of absolute possession of the 'contracted partner’s’ emotional as well as physical 'I’, thus extending the concept of property rights to include the right to the other person’s whole spiritual and emotional world.
“[…]The idea of 'property’ goes far beyond the boundaries of 'lawful marriage’. It makes itself felt as an inevitable ingredient of the most 'free’ union of love. Contemporary lovers with all their respect for freedom are not satisfied by the knowledge of the physical faithfulness alone of the person they love.
"To be rid of the eternally present threat of loneliness, we 'launch an attack’ on the emotions of the person we love with a cruelty and lack of delicacy that will not be understood by future generations. We demand the right to know every secret of this person’s being. The modern lover would forgive physical unfaithfulness sooner than 'spiritual’ unfaithfulness. He sees any emotion experienced outside the boundaries of the 'free’ relationship as the loss of his own personal treasure.” — Alexandra Kollontai, 'Sexual Relations and the Class Struggle’, 1921
Amatonormativity as we know it today is the crushing weight of millennia of narratives used to justify controlling sexuality and reproduction to contracted relationships in order to assure lines of wealth succession and ruling class domination. We’ve inherited the stories told to culturally reinforce that violence.
And as our lives become more and more crushingly lonely under the alienation of capitalism, amatonormativity (especially marriage and nuclear family) is presented by ruling class cultural narratives as the only way out — because it reinforces rather than challenges the structures that got us to this point of alienation in the first place! And those narratives of ownership and property bleed out beyond the cishet contracted marriage into all concepts of love and interaction.
As Kollontai says in the above-quoted essay, “[t]he sexual crisis cannot be solved unless there is a radical reform of the human psyche, and unless man’s potential for loving is increased. And a basic transformation of the socio-economic relationships along communist lines is essential if the psyche is to be re-formed. This is an 'old truth’ but there is no other way out.”
Amatonormativity = the assumption that an exclusive romantic relationship is a universally shared goal, and that such a relationship is superior to all others. I.e. finding a romantic partner is seen as the major life goal, and other close relationships are given less value.
gonna start moving away from ‘but the jedi did love!’ and more towards ‘not feeling love is not inherently bad’ when someone uses ‘the jedi didnt feel love’ as a reason for why they all deserved to die
“You and this perfect person, who you’ve never met before, to come out of nowhere, fit into your life perfectly, complete you, and make you whole for the first time in your life, like your mother did for me.”
And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, the way it manifested to my seven-year-old self is, “If you are not with someone, you are broken. If you are not with someone, you are incomplete. If you are not with someone, you are not whole.”
And that’s not just something that my dad made me feel, that’s something that we as a society for the last 40 years has made every single child feel. Every Disney prince has a princess, every princess has a prince, and every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesn’t want to be in a relationship. They’re happy with who they are. But guess what, by the end of the series? They were wrong! They were wrong for wanting to be alone, the fucking idiot!
It’s all to do with love. Everyone needs someone. And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love, when you’ve raised them for 18 fucking years, when you become an adult for the first time in your late teens and early 20’s, we’re so terrified.
We’re so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw, and force them into our jigsaws anyway. I’m going to force this fucking person into our lives because it’s much better to have something than nothing.
Then five years later, you’re stood looking at this jigsaw you don’t recognize, being like, “Ah! There’s a fucking cunt in the middle of this!” And in that moment, you have a very, very difficult question to ask yourself. Do I admit the last five years of my life have been a waste? Do I waste the rest of my life?
My generation has become so obsessed with starting the rest of their lives that they give up the one that they’re currently living. We have romanticized the idea of romance, and it is cancerous. People are more in love with the idea of love than they are with the person they are with. The worst thing you can do with your life is to spend it with the wrong human being.
Hey! Just a reminder that you can remain single for the rest of your life and be happy! Relationships do not define who you are. Your relationship status does not define who you are.
I don’t even mean this for aspecs. Amatonormativity has taught us ALL that a relationship defines our happiness. A lot of arospecs, acespecs, and allos have put themselves into relationships that they did not want, simply because they were told that it would make them happy. You decide what makes you happy. If it’s not a relationship, that’s fine!
If you have family members nagging you to be in a relationship or friends constantly bugging you about being single or you feel pressured by society to be in a relationship, remind yourselfthata relationship does not define you. Plenty of people are in badromantic/sexualrelationships, and maybe you don’t want to take that risk. Or maybe you’re prioritizing your education or your career and don’t want to bother with a relationship. Or maybe you’re arospec or acespec and sex/romance-repulsed and don’t want a relationship. Or you’re arospec/acespec and cannot physically find the Attraction™ to have arelationship.
Fuck amatonormativity. Do what makes you happy. A relationship does not define you.
kinda weird how even though amatonormativity and everything in our society being sexualized negatively affects everyone, asexuals and aromantics are ignored whenever we try to bring attention to these things
