#anger vent
Dear Diary,
I don’t think I was meant to live.
Entry number two: Anger
Dear Diary,
happy fucking new year. Everyone’s talking about new year’s resolutions and getting a chance at a fresh start but I don’t know if that’s even an option for me. I understand the importance of moving forward with life but how can I simply let go of my past? Your past is what shapes you, your life experiences help you grow as a person. Sometimes holding on to something can cause more damaging than letting go but I can’t abandon my past self. Although the few memories that I have are quite melancholic I still feel a sense of comfort looking back at my childhood. One of the reasons why I write this is to help myself remember incase I forget. The entirety of my childhood is extremely blurry, I only know as much as I do about my past because of files on me, medical records, videos, pictures, old journals and stories other people have told me. I can’t really experience nostalgia because I barely have anything to look back on. It feels like there’s something very important that I don’t remember, it’s like I’m missing something. According to professionals my memory loss was likely caused by something traumatic, I know that by blocking out my memories my brain is protecting me but if something that horrible happened that it caused me lose my memory I would like to know. I feel so awful, it’s because of a past event that I can’t let go. Why should I have to feel bad? I was just a child, I still am just a child and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was helpless, small and terrified, I know exactly who to blame. I’m done feeling inferior and scared all the time I’m fucking angry now. He is the reason that I’m so fucked up. He’s the reason why I constantly feel like something’s missing. He is one if the main causes of my addiction. He is why I’m stuck in the past. He is the source of my issues. He can live without any consequences while I’m stuck like this, normally I would never wish ill intentions on someone but he deserves it. I want him to hurt like I hurt. I want him to know what it feels like to be small, weak and terrified. If I really take the time to think about it, the overwhelming rage that I feel is pointless, what can I possibly do now? These are the kinds if things that make me wish I was never born.
youcan’t fall out of love with me.
ineed my angel to stay by my side.
you’re so bad at lying.
LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR
YOU FIL T H YY F U CKING LI A R !!!
i don’t like where my thoughts go.
what if i don’t love you.
what if i just want tohurt you.
