#stupid feelings
Dear Diary,
I feel like I was born to be hated.
Dear Diary,
I don’t want to die but I need this to end.
Dear ▇▇▇,
You have no idea how many nights I’ve spent crying over you. We used to talk everyday but now I can barely remember what your voice sounds like, you don’t answer my texts either. You only ever speak to me when you need to vent, I feel so used. That doesn’t matter, I still love you even if it’s wrong ❦
Dear Diary,
Why do people forget about me so fast?
Dear Diary,
I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve buried my dreams so deep within myself no amount of self harm could ever carve them out.
Dear Diary,
I don’t think I was meant to live.
Dear Diary,
Why do I feel so much?
Dear Diary,
Living with memory loss is hard, I can’t reminisce about my childhood, I can hardly experience nostalgia. At least I get to make new, happy memories everyday. That’s the only thing that makes me happy and that’s enough for me.
Dear Diary,
She called me an angel with slit wrists.
Dear Diary,
I find it so funny when people tell me “it’s all in your head” , uh ya that’s kind of the problem.
Dear Diary,
You know those times when there’s a really significant event in your life and so your abuser reaches out to you but you have to be nice to protect yourself?
Dear Diary,
I am greatful for my depression. If I hadn’t experienced such awful things in life then I would never know true happiness.
Dear Diary,
Apparently I’m too young to know abuse.
Dear Diary,
I was stupid for believing I could accomplish anything, my pathetic life isn’t heading anywhere.
Dear ▇▇▇,
I hate you for making me miss you so much. Your hurtful words chip away at my soul yet I still think about you everyday at least a thousand times or more. Use me, abuse me I still miss you. You say you love me the most but you treat me like I’m never there. I crave you, i’ll do for your attention.
Dear Diary,
How can I be honest with my therapist but not so honest that I get institutionalized?
Entry number two: Anger
Dear Diary,
happy fucking new year. Everyone’s talking about new year’s resolutions and getting a chance at a fresh start but I don’t know if that’s even an option for me. I understand the importance of moving forward with life but how can I simply let go of my past? Your past is what shapes you, your life experiences help you grow as a person. Sometimes holding on to something can cause more damaging than letting go but I can’t abandon my past self. Although the few memories that I have are quite melancholic I still feel a sense of comfort looking back at my childhood. One of the reasons why I write this is to help myself remember incase I forget. The entirety of my childhood is extremely blurry, I only know as much as I do about my past because of files on me, medical records, videos, pictures, old journals and stories other people have told me. I can’t really experience nostalgia because I barely have anything to look back on. It feels like there’s something very important that I don’t remember, it’s like I’m missing something. According to professionals my memory loss was likely caused by something traumatic, I know that by blocking out my memories my brain is protecting me but if something that horrible happened that it caused me lose my memory I would like to know. I feel so awful, it’s because of a past event that I can’t let go. Why should I have to feel bad? I was just a child, I still am just a child and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was helpless, small and terrified, I know exactly who to blame. I’m done feeling inferior and scared all the time I’m fucking angry now. He is the reason that I’m so fucked up. He’s the reason why I constantly feel like something’s missing. He is one if the main causes of my addiction. He is why I’m stuck in the past. He is the source of my issues. He can live without any consequences while I’m stuck like this, normally I would never wish ill intentions on someone but he deserves it. I want him to hurt like I hurt. I want him to know what it feels like to be small, weak and terrified. If I really take the time to think about it, the overwhelming rage that I feel is pointless, what can I possibly do now? These are the kinds if things that make me wish I was never born.
I can’t stop replaying in my head everything that happened on our date a couple nights ago.
I’ve become really smitten but I’m also SUPER cautious about it. All while trying not to be too available but also not too aloof and hard-to-get at the same time.
I think I’ve just completely forgotten how to date someone without it having to have a label or technically “go anywhere”, and I legit have no idea what he wants out of this.
Mental note to maybe casually talk it over on our second date? Whenever that may be.
We work separately the next couple days but then have an event together on Sunday, so I’m hoping we can grab dinner afterwards…
