Aren’t y'all going crazey too

I miss being a kid

When I was a young child, I told myself I wanted to live up to 100 years old— that was my goal. I wanted to live a long life. I was absolutely terrified of dying.

Ten years later and I’m begging the universe to kill me. I’m praying to God— if there even is one— that this will all end.

Honestly, I didn’t even expect to make it this far. I never thought I’d be able to see myself turn eighteen. I graduate high school in a month. I should be happy but I’m not. I feel so lost. I wasn’t planning on being alive for this long. I don’t know what to do, what steps to take, which direction to go— I’m lost.

Is anything even worth it? Should I keep on pushing? Should I go to college? Should I continue working?

Or will it all be a waste of time? “I won’t be alive in the next ten years so I guess nothing really matters.” I find myself often repeating that line.

That’s the thing about life though. You never know what the future will hold. Maybe I will be dead in the near by future. Or maybe I’ll be alive and finally happy.

The only thing I can do now is focus on the present. Let’s just hope I have enough strength to even do that…

“Are you ok?”

Bro, I don’t even peel my Cheese Strings anymore. Don’t ask me if I’m okay.

This hit hard.

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: *gives me a forehead kiss*

lovelybluepanda:

What can you write in a journal for mental health?

Recently I was looking for some stickers and I found a tiny journal. I’m thinking of using it for mental health purposes.

These are the things I’ll write in it:

• Quotes that I find very motivational
• Moments from books that inspire me.
• Reasons why I like myself
• Reasons why others like me
• How I have improved my life with tiny changes
• Short plans on how to achieve certain goals or how to change things
• Bucket lists~
• Things that make me happy
• Character analysis for characters that inspire me and what traits I want to adopt from them
• Stuff that my friends said and they stuck with me over the years, motivational or just compliments
• My favorite coping mechanisms
• Compliments/encouraging words towards my person when I feel like giving up or when my self-esteem is down

Life Is Good.

I’m doing better. Neither manic nor depressive. Loving to the place and roommate. Not worrying about men. Staying single. I’m just enjoying life at the moment. It’s calm. I love it. My roommate has a pup. A 2 year old pitbull. She’s adorable. She makes living here even better. While he’s at work I take care of her. She’s on her period so I cut a hole in a pair of my panties and stuck a pad in it so she can walk around. Otherwise she would be in the kennel. But I’m having fun. Cleaning, taking care of the apartment, taking care of the pup, cooking. I feel like a mom again. She’s so cuddly and clingy like my former pup Ember. She reminds me of her so much. Me and the new pup have already grown so close. I love her already. She’s just so sweet. I didn’t know I was missing this that much. She is filling a void inside of me I didn’t know I had. I get to mother something again. It’s amazing. It feels so good. Life is good.

Thinking Clearly

So I’m more balanced. Thinking clearly. In no way do I want to be intimate or sexual with a man. I’m so uninterested. I haven’t even been flirting with a single guy. This is new. I’m usually always talking to atleast one person. I’m just happy I didn’t just go sleep with random guys or hop into another relationship like I normally do. I’m just completely over it right now. And although I miss my ex. I’m starting to get over him too. I don’t think about him all the time anymore. I don’t listen to his music every day anymore. I don’t text him. I see his posts on Instagram and yes those moments it gets to me. But I tell myself that he doesn’t love me. He’s not thinking about me. He doesn’t miss me. This doesn’t hurt him. He’s moved on. And it helps me. I’ll get over him. And hopefully I keep this disinterest in dating and men for a while. I want to stay single. Live for me. Make money for me. Living for other people has gotten old. I need to focus on me because I can make good things happen for myself if u just try harder.

Leveling out.

I think I’m starting to come down from my manic episode finally. I started taking more of my mood stabilizer than in prescribed. I’m at basically the lowest dose. I think it’s leveling me out. I’m still hypomanic but nothing is uncontrollable anymore. I’m no longer being reckless and incredibly impulsive. Well, not to the extent that I was at. It was scary how out of control I was. I was ready to commit myself. I’m still going out almost every night, having a drink. But I’m not hooking up with anyone, doing drugs or going to anyone’s house and staying the night. So there’s that. I just hope this doesn’t mean I’m about to hit a depressive episode. That’s what I’m afraid of. If I don’t work I’m fucked. So let’s just hope I level out instead of going from one extreme end of the spectrum to the next.

FUCKKKK!!! Fuck this. Maybe I need to be hospitalized. The decisions I am making lately. I’m fucking up big time. I’m not seeing it until I get really high and am in the situation already. I’m at my best friends. You know. The guy, who is in love with me. Yesterday was valentines day. I worked then spent it with him. Well, I took his virginity last night. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m just going and doing everything that feels good without thinking of consequences. There’s literally no “stop and think”. Just do. I’m spending money I don’t have, buying and doing drugs.. TAKING MY BEST FRIENDS VIRGINITY! I’m so fucking stupid. I think I really need to be hospitalized. Like right now.

can you help?

More times than not I find myself feeling like I am not good enough. When good things happen instead of enjoying the moment I wonder what is going to go wrong because it’s too good to be true. Because of my stress and anxiety I don’t fully enjoy any moment and I feel like I am just letting these special years of my life pass me by. I can’t be the only person to feel this way. I want to be a happy person, I want to not start worrying about what’s to come next month today. Anyone out there, if you feel this please share what works for you. I feel like I am drowning.

5/27/2022

lohver:

Thank gosh for this post.

Sometimes I don’t want to pretend I am strong. Sometimes I want someone to hug me and say “It’s alright..”.

Rapid cycle bipolar

Does anyone sometimes cut to prove to themselves that your emotions are valid because you’ve been invalidated your whole life? Cause same.

Sorry guys I’m a bit numb :/

there is a slug

on my body

it weighs me down

when im in bed

it seems so hard

just to get up

my body is tired

it hurts all over

the slug is strong

but i won’t let it win

When you have a person with mental disorders without clinical help from the government, when the government doesnt care about economic, social issues or jobs thats what happen. When the sick or the poor gets abused or  humiliated. People become someone else, people give into personal demons and on the inside of a sick city the crazy become wise.

The Joker is not a DC villain or super-hero movie, Joker is a realistic movie.

Its a cautionary tale for politians. 

Dear ▇▇▇,

You were so kind before they dragged you to hell.

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to die but I need this to end.

Dear ▇▇▇,

You have no idea how many nights I’ve spent crying over you. We used to talk everyday but now I can barely remember what your voice sounds like, you don’t answer my texts either. You only ever speak to me when you need to vent, I feel so used. That doesn’t matter, I still love you even if it’s wrong ❦

Dear Diary,

Why do people forget about me so fast?

Dear Diary,

I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve buried my dreams so deep within myself no amount of self harm could ever carve them out.

Dear Diary,

I don’t think I was meant to live.

Sentía esa presión en mi pecho,

Mis ojos aguados anticiparon la tormenta.

Mil batallas he lidiado en mi vida,

Y agonica, a pedazos, he sabido salir de ellas.

Pero a veces,

Salir bien librada es pedir mucho.

Hoy solo se llover. 

-Zoé

i want to fuck his smile

I accidentally deleted a post when I wanted to edit it.

I’m sorry

However,

This is new version of my drawing

Hope you like it

~ Tell me how are you feeling deep inside and I will try to draw it

You can send me a message anonymously