#rant tw

It doesn’t matter how terribly you’ve been treated. It doesn’t matter if you’ve told them about your ptsd. It doesn’t matter if they’ve hurt you. YOU hurt them once so you’re the bad guy. YOU deserve to suffer.

I just wish people would just leave me alone. I get it I’m a terrible person. I fuck up. I understand that I’m a burden. I understand dealing with my mental health is hard.

I’m so tired of being treated like shit. I’m going crazy.

I wish I could just not get emotionally attached to the first person that shows me kindness. I feel like I’m about to go into my depression again. I feel like I always depend on other people to pull men out of my sadness. I finally pulled myself out. But it’s happening again. I know it’s normal for that to happen. But I’m so tired of being sad. I’m so tired of being hurt. I just want things to go right. I want someone to love me just as much as I love them. I want someone to appreciate me an treat me with the same respect I would give. I love everyone I meet with my whole heart and that’s why I get hurt so easy. Maybe one day ill meet someone who won’t take me for granted. Someone who won’t use me. Or maybe I won’t.

Struggles of a Witch

I was busy doing a protection spell in my room when my mother and father walked in. Normally, I’m not shy about talking about my hobbies to people close to me.

However, witchcraft is something very personal to me and I know my parents would never support my hobby, even if I tried to convince them. My dad asked me what I was doing out of curiosity. When I refused to tell him, he got angry at me and tried to guilt trip me into telling him.

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?”

Because everytime I do, you get angry at me or disappointed in me.

“We tell you everything, why can’t you do the same for us?”

Parental relations is a huge difference of power. So even if you do tell me something (which you usually don’t anyways, each time you talk to me you just point out my flaws), I can never have a negative reaction to it, unlike you to me.

“You ask us for something, and we agree right away without asking anything else. Do you think it’s fair that you don’t do the same? I don’t.”

First of all, you never agree to me automatically whenever I do ask you something. In fact, mom usually is the one who tries to help me. Second, don’t you dare talk to me about “fair”. You’re so hypocritical, you never stop to think about what others feel. Third, I didn’t ask for your opinion. If I don’t wanna tell you something, I’m not obligated to tell you. Every single time you don’t get your way, you throw a fit. Grow some understanding of boundaries.

(Sorry for ranting, I just get riled up whenever a negative situation happens out of witchcraft, because I really love magick. I don’t want any bad feelings coming from it.)

Dear Diary,

I feel like I was born to be hated.

Dear ▇▇▇,

You were so kind before they dragged you to hell.

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to die but I need this to end.

Dear ▇▇▇,

You have no idea how many nights I’ve spent crying over you. We used to talk everyday but now I can barely remember what your voice sounds like, you don’t answer my texts either. You only ever speak to me when you need to vent, I feel so used. That doesn’t matter, I still love you even if it’s wrong ❦

Dear Diary,

Why do people forget about me so fast?

Dear Diary,

I don’t care about anything anymore. I’ve buried my dreams so deep within myself no amount of self harm could ever carve them out.

Dear Diary,

I don’t think I was meant to live.

Dear Diary,

Why do I feel so much?

Dear Diary,

Living with memory loss is hard, I can’t reminisce about my childhood, I can hardly experience nostalgia. At least I get to make new, happy memories everyday. That’s the only thing that makes me happy and that’s enough for me.

Dear ▇▇▇,

The way you give me attention and affection so unpredictably makes me miss you even more. Everytime I see your name pop up on my screen I immediately forget how miserable I feel and become even more desperate for you. Can you feel it too, the kind of pain made out of real love?

Dear Diary,

I exist to be consumed by others, I live only to be used.

Dear Diary,

I find it so funny when people tell me “it’s all in your head” , uh ya that’s kind of the problem.

Dear Diary,

You know those times when there’s a really significant event in your life and so your abuser reaches out to you but you have to be nice to protect yourself?

Dear Diary,

I am greatful for my depression. If I hadn’t experienced such awful things in life then I would never know true happiness.

Dear Diary,

Apparently I’m too young to know abuse.

Dear Diary,

I was stupid for believing I could accomplish anything, my pathetic life isn’t heading anywhere.

Dear ▇▇▇,

I hate you for making me miss you so much. Your hurtful words chip away at my soul yet I still think about you everyday at least a thousand times or more. Use me, abuse me I still miss you. You say you love me the most but you treat me like I’m never there. I crave you, i’ll do for your attention.

Entry number three: Emptiness

Dear Diary,

I don’t want to continue living but I don’t want to die.