Robin Musings, as per Cyborg

aka Victor Stone, Ph.D. (Cybernetics), M.Sc. (Being Swole)

Robin I/ Nightwing

• Bro, you’re so squishy and human
• Do you want a cybernetic
• We have lasers :)
• Batman won’t even let you get a tattoo, so a cybernetic is out of the question huh
• You can just…not tell your ugly dad
• Oh lord
• I saw something move in the shadows
• It’s your awful dad, aw hell naw-

Robin II/Red Hood

• Please tell me you left your dad at home
• Cool :D
• So. I heard you came back from the dead.
• … leave any limbs in the grave?
• Because I can totally hook you up with a new arm or three

Robin III/ Red Robin

• The tantalizing scent of coffee…
• The little burn scars from soldering experiments…
• Those dead, owl eyes…
• It’s a fellow tech nerd!
• Let’s hit up the Apple Genius Bar :)
• Not to buy anything!
• But to critique their easily shattered screens

Robin IV/ Spoiler

• You know the best part of being a cyborg?
• Cybernetic stomach
• :D
• To the breakfast buffet!

Robin III again

• Hey Tim
• How did you like the cybernetic laser bellybutton piercing
• What do you mean your dad flipped out
• He grounded you?
• Aren’t you, like, the CEO

Robin V/ Damian

• Psst
• Hey kid
• Want a cybernetic?
• What do you mean “no”
• Grayson says you’re “perfect the way you are”
• What do you mean he pats your head afterwards
• …fine
• Pat pat pat

Robin Musings, as per Billy Batson

aka Shazam, Ph.D. (Emotional Maturity), M.A. (Adulting)

Right. So. More Robin Musings?

Robin I/Nightwing

• Wowie- um, I mean-
• *affects deep voice* Wowie
• Mr. Batman said that you were my babysitter
• Can we go on patrol later please
• I know Mr. Batman’s stance on metas
• But he said that I was okay to come over
• He likes me
• Can’t think as to why tho :)

Robin II/Red Hood

• Gasp
• You have A Gun!
• GASP
• You said A Bad Word!!
• One dollar in the swear jar please
• What do you mean, I should cuss too
• Adults cuss?
• I mean- I am above such behaviors
• Good day to you, fellow adult

Robin III/Red Robin

• Hello Timmy
• Does Mr. Batman know thay you’re sneaking out
• You’re in love! That’s so nice! (＾ω＾)
• Oh no, your dad doesn’t allow you to unite with Superboy
• Is Mr. Batman… evil? He hates love?

Robin IV/ Spoiler

• I didn’t know Robin could be a girl
• I just assumed that Mr. Wayne tried to clone Dick and it went really badly
• So, how am I adulting so far
• Is it convincing?
• Yes I do need to stock my adult pantry like an adult would
• Yes, I would like more waffle mix
• Seems a very adult choice

Robin III again

• So I confronted your dad about him hating love
• He grounded me :(
• Wait
• He can’t ground me!
• …
• Apparently he can :(

Robin V/ Damian

• :D
• I can tell that we’re going to be best friends
• Let me introduce you to the world of nice things and arcades
• In return, you can teach me math and make *tt* noises when I don’t get trignometry
• Let’s go play
• Dodge-sword is NOT an appropriate game
• Neither is Pin The Knife On The Joker :(
• And Jason is NOT the adult supervision

Batbros Showing Affection - Yet Another Series Because I Won’t Stop

Jason Todd Edition

Jason will never, ever admit it to any living being (unless he’s about to shoot them, of course), but he secretly loves being a little brother. Just as much as Dick loves being Jason’s big brother.

Before Jason’s tragic demise (that he mentions at every possible opportunity) Dick had been a distant character. Sure, he had smiled at Jason, and gave him brotherly advice, even allowing him to stay over when Bruce got too Bruce-y.

Now, Jason has a brother who is a fully fledged hero, peacekeeper, man, and mother (because Damian) in his own right, and he’s found that they exist better together as adults.

Now, with the clarity of adulthood, Jason can relate to Dick, can talk to him, reason with him, train with him, no holds barred. Jason doesn’t need to smooth out his rough edges with Dick, because his brother remembers, he knows Jason for his past and present, and he accepts it all with a kissy and a hug.

Jason would take a beer over the kisses, but whatever.

***

Jason grew into his friendship with Tim. Over time, after Tim’s scars faded, and they were able to establish a new baseline.

Truth be told, he was dragged into it by Dick, in the beginning. Forced dates over froyo and coffee, with the background noise of Damian simmering in the background, squished into Dick’s side like a growth.

Jason and Tim bonded a shared love of weaponry, and a shared hatred for the Joker.

He had taken Tim. He had nearly broken Tim.

Dick had killed the clown for what he did to his brothers. In his weaker moments, Dick wished that he had stayed dead. Jason, under no unrealistic moral code, wished for it loudly and on a bi-weekly basis.

It had changed the previously innocent, idealistic boy Tim existed in the shadows now, flitting around his brothers until Jason caught him and sat on him.

Slowly, they bonded during Jason’s sitting sessions. They now indulge their mutual destructive streak together, blowing up villains lairs and warehouses and giving rogues wedgies after a battle.

***

Unlike Jason’s other two brothers, Damian is a can of evil worms.

Damian remembers Jason from when he was in the League, and was Damian’s official babysitter. Jason took his responsibility seriously and would sit on Damian to subdue the tiny, murderous, blob of porridge.

Damian remembers that when Todd was antagonistic to the family, Grayson cried over him, agonizing over Jason’s harsh - and truthful - words.

Damian only saw that Grayson was sad, and so Todd would have to die.

It took several months to convince Damian not to kill Jason, and now they get along and bond over their shared love of weaponry and debate over the use of poisons.

Jason doesn’t like poison, he doesn’t think it allows for a fair fight.

Damian doesn’t care.

They reach a compromise when Tim makes a non-lethal acute laxative poison dart.

Gotham’s villains have never smelled worse.

But Jason sees the smallest bat brat bouncing happily on the balls of his feet as Scarecrow shots his pants and cries, and he can’t help but cackle along with his baby brother.

Batbros Showing Affection - Yet Another Series

Dick Grayson Edition

The first time Jason fell prey to the full extent of Dick’s affections was when he woke up from a bullet to the side. He was fourteen, he had just seen Bruce cry, and Alfred’s mustache had trembled, and he almost didn’t register Dick’s fingers carding through his hair and his mumbling words that he had never heard over Jason.

He’s praying, Jason realized belatedly. He’s praying for me.

Dick prayed again, every year on Jason’s death anniversary, but he wouldn’t know that.

The next time Jason heard Dick praying again was when the older man was trying to kiss him through the helmet- “Oh my God, get off, people are looking-”

But Jason was back, he was alive again, and Dick would never have to take his brother’s name with his beloved parents’ again, he would never again pray for Jason’s soul to have peace.

Dick would now only pray for him to live.

***

It was easy to love Tim - after all, he was a small, fae, lad who was unerringly good, in the harshness of Gotham.

Bruce tried to resist. He failed.

Dick didn’t bother resisting. He loved Tim with his whole heart, smiling at him, hugging him, defending him, and helping smuggle him out of the manor to meet Kon when Bruce had declared a Purity Lockdown.

They fell out, as brothers do. They never stopped loving each other, and found their way back to each other.

Dick and Tim loved each other, held together in the belief that their relationship was the one slice of a normal life they could ever have.

Dick could love Jason with an intensity brought only by a complete loss could bring. Their love was painful, and even when they smiled, Dick could feel the tears stinging the back of his eyes.

Dick could love Damian with the fierceness of a lioness, because no one else would, and no matter what anyone else said, Damian needed that, yearned for it, and it was only through divine intervention that he had found it.

But Tim was Dick’s brother. And Dick was Tim’s. And there was nothing complicated about that.

***

It took a while for Damian to understand Dick’s seemingly instantaneous affection for him.

From the very first warm, strong hug, Dick’s cheek squished to Damian’s, to the occasional head pats and the smoothing of Damian’s spiky, evil, hair, Dick was completely in love-

And Damian was completely confused.

When Bruce was gone, and it was only him and Dick, Damian waited for the hammer to drop - for the renunciation and the scorn that was sure to come.

He waited every night as Dick put on a show of smoothing Damian’s hair back and turning out the bedside lamp, but he waited in vain.

Dick’s soft sighs and head pats turned into lingering presences with soft lullabies, and gentle kisses on his tiny, thorny, forehead.

The first night Dick had given him a goodnight kissy, Damian had laid awake the whole night, his mind racing with thoughts whatandhowandwhy-

Only for Dick to repeat the kissy with a gentle, “Good morning, Dami,” the next morning.

Slowly, Damian began to realize that he was getting hugs and kissies, simply for being, existing as he did.

It made him unbelievably smug, and he smiled like a frog which had the whole pond to itself.

Drake laughed at him, but what did he know? It’s not like anyone kissed him, ever.

“Shows what you know! Nothing will ever compare to Kon’s tender touch upon my skin-”

“WHAT”

“Nothing, Bruce!”

Disgusting as that revelation was, Damian still came out on top, or so he felt.

Grayson’s smile was all the confirmation that he needed.

Reverse Robin Musings on Superman

aka Clark Kent, M.A. (Journalism), PGDip (Cornhusking)

RobinI

• Wowie
• You are tall and buff and you can FLY
• I hereby dub you to be my co-dad
• Of course I will go flying with you
• Look at my quadruple somersault
• Of course you can call me son
• Don’t be silly Bruce, of course it’s not weird

RobinII

• Dude
• You’re buff
• Bet you can clear out Crime Alley in minute
• Hey, wait a gosh darned minute
• :D
• Wanna raid Maroni’s criminal compound with me

RobinIII

• Oh hi Kon’s brother
• Yes I am dating your clone
• No we will not address it
• It makes Bruce sad
• He thinks that I’m going to run away to live on the farm
• I saw him burning a pair of overalls the other day
• I think they were yours

RobinIV

• Hey supes
• Can I hang out with you
• I need to talk to someone who can actually shuck a corncob
• It’s the sign of a real man
• I saw Bruce at the barbeque
• And he just pointed at the corn and asked why it was green
• Smh
• Damn bourgeois

Robin III again

• I’m back
• And I have this promise ring that Kon gave me <3
• It’s technically a strand of hay that he tied around my finger
• Bruce is acting as though Kon choked him with it or something
• He keeps turning purple whenever he sees it

RobinV

• Why did no one tell me that you had not one, but multiple cows
• To have the affection of barnyard animals is to be truly wealthy
• Father is a pauper, in this regard
• You must be a good and noble man
• See how the poultry follow in your footsteps
• *wipes evil tears away*

Reverse Robin Musings on Mr. Freeze

aka Dr. V. Freis, Ph.D. (Cryogenics), Gotham University, Tenured Lecturer for BIO 301 - Cell Cryogenics

Robin I

• Ooh it’s cold
• I suddenly my choice of uniform
• I should invest in combat uggs
• Oh hey mister
• Can I crank up the thermostat please
• :(

Robin II

• Fuck it’s cold
• Colder than a pimp’s heart in winter in Crime Alley
• Oh I scandalized you
• So you’re an academic huh
• White collar wuss
• Bet you won’t sweat if your life depended on it
• Oh you literally can’t
• Sorry, I have preconceived notions on the upper middle class

Robin III

• Have you given thought to opening an ice cream franchise
• It would provide passive income
• And you can use it to save your frozen wife
• And maybe get a new wardrobe
• Silver and blue are so 2010 colors

Robin IV

• I will be your official liaison for your ice cream shoppe with Robin III because Batman grounded him for canoodling with Superboy
• I am a silent partner
• But I insist that Belgian waffle be on the menu
• No Batman doesn’t know about our venture
• He doesn’t encourage creativity

Robin III

• I see you’ve upgraded your ice cannon
• The ice cream shoppe is really bringing in the revenue huh
• This is where you thank me
• With more dividends, I dont care about sentiments

Robin V

• Cad, you are making my nose run!
• I am unused to such climates
• ARGH
• MY SINUSES
• I can blow my own nose, Nightwing
• *honk*

Reverse Robin Musings on The Penguin

What do the Robins think about Gotham’s richest baddie?

Robin I

• Finally
• I am taller than someone
• Ooh birds
• I like birds, they are probably not going to kidnap me
• Oh no they’re kidnapping me :(
• My love for all creatures great and small has endangered me
• Welp, time to punch some birds I guess

Robin II

• Hey it’s the rich guy with the bird fetish
• Lol did you seriously try to attack me with birds
• Bitch I’m from Crime Alley
• I caught and ate pigeons on a daily basis
• I bet penguins are more nutritious though
• Why you crying
• If you gonna throw flippers at me, then you’d better get ready to be eaten

Robin III

• What did you just say
• Bitch you did not just say that you’re the richest man in Gotham
• That’s me
• Sorry Bruce
• Money fight
• *proceeds to throw dollar bills at Penguin*
• This is called death by a thousand papercuts
• Eventually your cuts will get infected and you’ll die
• Because this is Gotham money, and its pretty gross tbh

Robin IV

• What do you mean how did I track you down
• There’s a literal trail of bird shit that leads here
• I feel like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz
• Only my road is bird poop
• And my friend is Batman :/

Robin III again

• Oh heard you had to go to the hospital for a MRSA infection
• Told you Gotham money is filthy
• I hope that the hospitalization cost you a lot of money
• See, this is why we need universal healthcare
• The healthcare system is the true villain

Robin V

• Birds in captivity!
• Fiend, I shall release these noble birds from your hold
• And then I shall probably kill you
• Batman will never find the body
• Drake said he’d help me hide it
• To cement his place as richest man in Gotham

Reverse Robin Musings upon The Riddler

aka Edward Nygma, B.Eng., M.S. (Nerd Shit)

What do the Robins think about their adversaries? Tune in to find out!

Robin I

• Ooh, you like the color green too!
• It’s my favorite
• A riddle? Okay!
• I got the answer!
• What did I win?
• Meanie
• I’m telling Batman

Robin II

• Hey nerd
• I don’t respect you
• You’re basically a white collar criminal
• Can’t do shit
• Hey, I got a riddle for you
• What’s green at night and black and blue in the morning?
• You!
• :D

Robin III

• Okay so Batman’s like three minutes behind me, so we can chill till he gets here
• Sure, I can do riddles
• Several riddles later…
• This is fun
• I liked that bit of code you wrote to hack the commissioner’s computer btw
• You’re welcome
• Oh Batman’s here now
• See ya

Robin IV

• Hey nerd
• Why’re you crying
• I learned this great new kick routine yesterday
• I wanna try it out
• Stay still

Robin III again

• Hey Eddie
• Aww, you missed me
• Sure, we’re can hug it out
• I got you this notebook
• So you can write down all your riddles

Robin V

• You dare to besmirch the noble color green by cladding your worthless body with it
• I shall dye your suit red
• With your blood
• No I don’t want a riddle you worm
• Prepare to do battle
• Stop crying

Robin Musings, by Dr. Leslie Thompkins

MBBS, M.D. (Trauma - All Kinds)

Robin I

• Why is Batman in my waiting room
• Again
• He has… a child
• It’s cute
• Would I be violating ethics if I stole the child
• Probably
• Child has a wound, treat it
• Here, have a lolly while I yell at your irresponsible father

Robin II

• Jason?
• What do you mean “how did I know”
• You lived two blocks from my clinic!
• I saw you every day on your pickpocket route!
• I delivered you!
• Just…
• Don’t get hurt
• Please

Robin III

• This is ridiculous
• How many of you are there
• How did you manage to get that burn
• What laser cannon
• Oh no
• Give me the laser cannon, you can have this lolly

Robin IV

• Stephanie?
• What do you mean “how did I know”
• Do you people think that I’m stupid
• I’m the one that prescribes your ibuprofen
• Speaking of which, here
• It’s nearly your time of the month

Robin III again

• A thought occurs
• Have any of you had your tetanus boosters
• WHAT
• That’s it
• Get everyone in here now!
• No, Jason, Tim lied to you
• It’s not a bum injection
• Please pull your pants up

Robin V

• I need your immunization records
• What do you mean no
• The healing waters of the Lazarus Pit are not the same as the chickenpox vaccine
• Now sit still
• All done, here have a lolly
• … it’s Nightwing Blueberry Flavor
• There we go

A Gentle Hello

H-hewwo friends, I- I have returned… Peez forgive me for not giving content, I promise to make it up to you…

In all seriousness though, I’ve not been doing too great. Life. Job. Stress. My ass becoming bigger, before exercising it off (literally).

I am getting back some of my vim and vigour though, and have been in the mood to write more Batfamily content, including but not limited to:

• More Batfamily Headcanons and Robin Musings!
• The time when Damian accidentally cuddled Jason thinking that he was Bruce!
• The time Damian punched Jason for not telling him that he was not Bruce, and tricking a hug out of Damian!
• Dick’s buttcheeks bouncing independently from his body!
• Tim getting caught by Bruce in Victoria’s Secret!
• And much more!

Alfred Pennyworth Headcanons

Alfred had always thought that he was never anyone to write home about.

Mild, unassuming, unerringly proper, he was the quintessential everyman. It’s what made him such an excellent spy.

He saw the fall of the Berlin Wall. He watched Nixon leave in disgrace. He reported everything back to his superiors, and called it a job well done.

Then his next assignment came in.

Watch over Thomas Wayne.

Alfred did his job. He watched over his young master dutifully, reporting his movements back. He was a good man. This, Alfred believed with his whole heart.

He watched Thomas marry Martha Kane. Now is the time, his superiors said, watch them. The Kane family is no good. No good at all.

But Martha was good. Sweet, graceful, and glad to be a Wayne, no longer Martha Kane. Then Bruce was born, Alfred fell head over heels in love with the bonny boy. He told his bosses that nothing was amiss. The Waynes were fine.

And then they weren’t.

Alfred mourned them - his little family. He took Bruce into his arms, and his heart. He reported back to his superiors the name of Joe Chill.

The next month, Andrew Kane was found dead in his sleep.

Alfred made a note of it, and closed the case, satisfied. He had more pressing duties now.

Look after the boy, his superiors said.

Alfred Pennyworth left, his parting words to his bosses being, I don’t need you to tell me how to parent my son.

Bruce filled Alfred with joy, for he had never known such a wonderful man, so selfless and kind, determined and disciplined. He begged Bruce to give up the cowl, but relented and resolved to support him when it proved to be futile.

Good parents support their children, after all.

But Alfred’s heart hurt to see his son live in the shadows.

Then Bruce gave him grandchildren, and children do not thrive in the dark. They brought light into Bruce’s life, and learned the load on Alfred’s shoulders.

Now, Alfred watches his family contentedly. He watches over Bruce telling Tim of for sneaking out to meet Kon. He watches Dick smother a horrified Damian with affection. He watches Jason try to hide, but fail and fall straight into Dick’s love vortex.

He thinks back to his orders - look after the boy.

Alfred Pennyworth nods to himself, content at a job well done.

Robin Musings, as per John Constantine

aka Magic Boi Extraordinaire, Ph.D. Shark Biology

Robin I

• Eh what’s this
• It’s smiling at me
• You’re ruining my aesthetic, kid
• Here, put on this trenchcoat
• Much better
• No I haven’t seen your kid, Batman
• This kid is clearly mine
• Hence the trenchcoat

Robin II

• Hey kid
• Wanna be surly and moody with me
• You have to look into the horizon and appear disillusioned
• Very good
• You’re a natural
• All you need now is a trenchcoat

Robin III

• Hello munchkin
• You appear to have a natural talent with skulking around
• Ah, you stalked Batman
• Excellent detective work
• Here, I have this tiny trenchcoat for you
• I carry them around now, just in case

Robin IV

• Of course I can create food with magic
• Pancakes? Sure.
• What do you mean, pancakes are fluffy
• Pancakes are thin and flat and taken with sugar and a bit of lemon
• Just like the queen intended

Robin III again

• You need a detective persona
• Mine is surely “surly and British”
• You can be “clever and twinky”

Robin V

• Whatcha hiding there, kiddo
• It couldn’t be six stay kittens, could it?
• The same six kittens that Batman specifically told you not to bring home?
• You need better sneaking skills
• Here use this trenchcoat
• You can stuff all kinds of things in it and you can never tell from the outside

Robin III again (remix)

• Why exactly do you want to learn how to sneak around
• Oh you want to see your hunky boyfriend
• Batman’s opposed, I take it
• Well first, if you want to sneak effectively, you have to get rid of the sequined thing and sheer booty shorts

I watched so many Youtube clips to “understand” the canon Brady Bunch joke.

Mafia mood wayne children

Robins hanbok ver.

I fully blame @respectabletwunkjasontodd&@fancyholycrow

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