common questions i see from people wondering if they’re asexual or recently realized they’re asexual

***cw: mentions of sex and trauma***

“can i know i’m ace if i’m a virgin?”

yes. asexuality is about sexual attraction, not the act of sex itself. you don’t need to have had sex to know if you are sexually attracted to people.

“can i be ace if i read smut/watch porn?”

yes. being asexual has to do with sexual attraction, which is different from sex drive. you can have a high sex drive and still not be attracted to people.

“is it okay to call myself asexual if it’s because of trauma?”

personally, i don’t think there’s an issue with identifying as ace if your lack of attraction stems from trauma. you aren’t “contributing to stereotypes” by using a label that helps you understand your attraction (or lack thereof), and you deserve to feel welcome in this community.

“i relate to [abc] which i’ve heard is an asexual thing, but i’ve never experienced [xyz]. could i still be ace?”

the asexual experience is varied and complex, and you’re not going to relate to everything any other ace has been through just because you share a sexual orientation. as long as you don’t experience sexual attraction, you are asexual.

“i’ve come to terms with being asexual. how do i tell people?”

my #1 coming out tip is writing a letter instead of telling them in person. this way, you can spend time making sure it sounds the way you want it to and you don’t forget anything you want to say (which is difficult to do while you’re talking, especially if you’re nervous), and it gives the person you’ve told time to process the new information and be able to think about how they want to respond. i would definitely recommend giving them a definition of asexuality if you don’t think they know what it means, and be prepared to answer their questions, though of course, you don’t need to answer anything that’s invasive or makes you uncomfortable.

asexual questions

***cw: brief mentions of sex***

1. when did you first hear about asexuality? did you identify with it right away?
2. did you question being ace for a long time before using the label?
3. what experiences/feelings made you first question if you were asexual?
4. what did you struggle with most when questioning if you were asexual?
5. do you know anyone irl who is also asexual?
6. do you identify with any of the sexual preference labels (sex favorable, sex indifferent, sex averse, sex repulsed, sex ambivalent)?
7. what (if any) other labels do you use to describe your identity?
8. what makes you feel secure/validated in your identity?
9. what’s your favorite thing about being asexual?
10. what’s your least favorite thing about being asexual?
11. what do you wish allos understood about asexuality?
12. are you out as asexual to friends &/or family irl? if so, how do they feel about it?
13. in what ways and to what degree does being asexual impact other parts of your life and identity?
14. do you feel supported & represented by the asexual community? why or why not?
15. what is your favorite canon asexual character or asexual headcanon?

it’s weird how some people assume every asexual completely avoids every form of media with sexual content. aside from the fact that lack of sexual attraction ≠ hating sex, just because someone likes reading about or watching something doesn’t mean they want to do that in real life. i like reading about hybrid animal species, but i don’t want to become a liger breeder. my favorite books are a series of unfortunate events, but i don’t want to go to a boarding school where i live in a tin shack filled with crabs. i love learning about ancient rome, but i definitely don’t want to live there. so why can’t aces like watching r-rated movies?

“if you’re dating someone and not having sex with them, there’s a problem with the relationship.”

things asexual & aromantic communities have taught me that society never did

***cw: mentions of sex***

• never getting married is okay
• never having sex is okay
• just because two people are attracted to each other doesn’t mean they need to be/should be in a relationship
• platonic relationships can be as (or more) fulfilling & important than romantic and sexual relationships
• there are a bunch of different kinds of attraction and you can give them as much or as little weight in your life as you want to
• romantic relationships that don’t involve sex are perfectly fine
• there are no rules about what different kinds of relationships are supposed to look like; you can do whatever you want
• it’s okay to enjoy being alone
• feelings about sex, romance, and relationships are confusing and they can change a lot; there is no “right way” to feel at any given time

cw: mentions of smex and stuff

Had a sexologist come to our auditorium yesterday and, as a sex-repulsed ace, I thought I was going to hate every second of it.

Oddly enough, I didn’t?? I actually had a blast and learned a lot of things. That woman changed my whole perception on so much. And I have to say this.

Allos and all you non-repulsed aces: don’t be ashamed of your sexual nature. Talk about it, be gross and “not proper”, fight against the shaming, demand your sexual rights because did you know there was a World Congress of Sexology held in Hong Kong, 1999 that established the Declaration of Sexual Rights? If you want to know more, here.

ALSO!! Aces who still m@ stürb@ te and have sexual fantasies: YOU’RE SO VALID! Don’t hide it thinking that you’re “betraying” the asexual community like I did. I promise that you’re not. The community is here for you and there’s little (regarding your sexuality) that you can do to harm it in any way.

cw: mentions of seggs and self-ple@ süre

Signs I should have known I was ace: M*sturb*t¡0n edition

Before I dive into this rant, can we all just agree that even asexuals m-bate? Yes, even girls. Idk and idc when or how or why society ever began to believe that only straight, allosexual men are allowed to do it, I just don’t want to see that crap on my blog, okay? Great.

Now, one might argue about the exact time I started “engaging in self pleasure”.

I remember exploring my body since I was 8, I don’t know if that counts. But I only actually began “getting that pleasure” when I was almost 15 that I learned what the thing I had been doing was called.

Ever since then, I’ve had all sorts of “experiences” regarding how I see m**tûrb*t¡on.

For example, you know how I started reading fanfiction almost two years ago. And I’m guessing you know what kind of ~f i l t h~ can be found there.

I read all about these h0rny teens tossing one off while thinking of someone!!

Honestly, I thought it was far-fetched, written to attract readers because THERE’S NO WAY-

until…. I got on Omegle a couple of months ago and had a brief, highly uncomfortable conversation with this dude who didn’t know what asexuality meant. After I explained it to him, he went, “but do you m-bate?”

And I’m there like…. Not that that’s any of your business, but yea? What’s that got to do with anything?

He said, “well who do you think of when you…?”

I’m sitting there, staring at my screen like…. huh?

I said as much, “no one? Who tf am I supposed to think of?”

Then he went on about p0rn, and didn’t I watch and imagine myself being in the place of the girl on screen?

I’m like what?!?! No, why would I?

Needless to say, I see that allosexuals don’t watch p**n to m-bate by listening to the sounds or just projecting that feeling of ar0üsal. No, allos actually picture themselves in those videos. Good heavens…

Listen, I don’t shame anyone, ever. Otherwise, me making this post would contradict everything.

It was just a shock for me to learn that, that’s all. Is it really okay to picture someone you know… in bed with you? Or is it like, what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them?

I have tried it, trust me. But the second I attempt to picture someone else touching me, it’s like turning a switch off. I could never. What does work for me, is the feeling. Focusing on my senses, and getting that stress-relief. P**n only works when I’m watching a sole person and projecting what they’re feeling into my own body.

But yeah, this should have been a major sign towards my sexuality for a couple of years. I just didn’t know I was supposed to feel that way about self-pl**süre.

Meh, better late than never I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You gotta vibrate higher, like that magic wand you use so much

Indulgent zerith FF7 remake thought.

While it’s highly probable Aerith and Zack will reunite after death (aka in the Lifestream), as the alternative might stray too far from the original story, in my ideal vision they would reunite while they’re still alive and have their own “highwind scene”

Lol yes I mean having an Very Intimate time together just like Cloti famously did.

They were seriously in love and attracted to each other, pretty much dating for over a year? but then sadly they were torn apart for 5 years. Zack once free, tried everything he could to get back to Aerith, and Aerith wrote 89 letters throughout that time, clearly he was always on her mind and Remake shows she’s still hasn’t moved on.

So considering the way Remake has/will play things out with them, it would be a beautiful thing to finally express all those feelings of yearning and missing each other built up over time apart.

C’mon let them bang, Square.