#ghosting

A veces no me caliento, no tengo ganas, prefiero otra cosa, mirar una peli, tomar un té de tisana o salir a comprar pimiento y quedarme hablando con el verdulero. Ayer, por ejemplo, cuando Mateo, que había llegado a casa un rato antes, entró a la habitación y se acercó para besarme.

En esos momentos algo me pasa, una especie de subdivisión de mí misma. Una parte de mí cede, la otra quiere matarse por culpa de la que hizo y deshizo de mí así, sin preguntar. Y cuando todo acaba, o más bien, cuando Mateo acaba, con mi cuerpo desnudo y tendido entre las sábanas, no evito sentirme asqueada, enojada, inundada por una profunda tristeza: la de saber que me traicioné.

Mateo entra y gime. ¿Te gusta mi verga, te gusta?, pregunta, y me chupa una oreja, y muerde mis pezones. Hoyno me muerdas que me duelen, estoy sensible, me está por venir, le digo.  Ay, perdoná, me responde con voz normal, saliéndose del libreto del gran ponedor. Y después sigue, entrando y gimiendo.

Me esfuerzo. Me esfuerzo por sentirme ahí, conectada con el deseo de Mateo que me nombra, como invocándome, como tratando de traerme desde el inframundo del no sexo en el que me encuentro. Lo intento un buen rato, me muevo distinto, me muevo furiosa. Mateo exclama ¡qué concha devoradora que tenés!, y la cara se le hace otra de placer.

Me hace ghosting. ¡La pija de Mateo me ghostea!, no la siento. Vuelvo a esforzarme, me convierto en Dora la exploradora buscándola, pero nada. Me rindo. Si si…go, aca…bo, anuncia Mateo. Acabá, dale, rompeme la concha, cogeme, dale, le ruego, y a los segundos, se detiene.

Ay, dice, la respiración desacelerándose, la cabeza buscando la almohada. Me mira. No puedo disimular el estado melancólico en el que acabo de entrar, mis gestos no escatiman en hacerlo sentir miserable. ¿Estás bien?, pregunta.  Sí, le respondo, mirando las lucecitas colgadas del otro lado de la habitación . Bueno, voy al baño, dice.

Así se ve el ghosting

Anon wrote:Hello. (19/F) ENTP looking for advice (more like closure). I dated a (19/M) INFJ and we went out on ab 3 dates. We met online and initially met up with very platonic intentions. The first time we hung out we talked for about 6hrs straight and I hadn’t really been interested in him but there was chemistry there and he seemed very gentle and interesting. While talking he would compliment me on my appearance and tell me how comfortable I made him and I took it as being friendly.

A month or so passes of just texting and continuing to date other people and I realized that he had qualities that I liked and I hadn’t met another person like him so I confessed feelings for him. This is something never do. In the confession I explained that it had been hard for me to keep my feeling bottled up and I apologized if he had been receiving mixed signals from me. But surprisingly I was met with about 5 mins of audio messages talking about how much he liked me too and he just wanted me in his life regardless of what I was but he would like a relationship.

So after that we planned to go to a comic book store we had about 3 dates which would consist of going to a comic book store or just his house to watch some movies. While at his house I met his mom and she was very warm and welcoming. He doesn’t often bring girls back and spends a lot of time alone so I assume she was happy about this.

A conversation that we had that had stuck with me is when I asked him about his fears. His answer was that he feared me disappearing because I meant a lot to him. His answer meant a lot to me because I dealt with a lot of abandonment issues and he and I also felt with getting ghosted which is one of the ways we bonded. During one of the other discussions discussions with him we talked about his past of lying to the people he got romantically involved with about who he was. Ultimately he a wasn’t his true self and that led to things ending badly when those girls realized it. After, he communicated that he had been authentic with me and feels comfortable to be himself.

Things went well after that. However, conversation ended up losing substance and became us just telling each other how we missed the other and asking for our days were. There nothing ultimately wrong with that but I value deeper conversation and is not seeing each other made things feel a bit dull. Along with this I began to find things I disliked about him such as not wanting to drive 38 minutes to see me after not seeing each other for a week, his submissive personality, and I really disliked how he left his job without any notice (which he had done 1 time prior). So, I had discussed my worries about our relationship since our dynamic was so new to me. I made sure to be more gentle because he’s a bit turbulent and I apparently lack empathy.

After the discussion he communicated how much I mean to him how I bring him peace so I felt better about the relationship. So a few days pass and we finally have a free day to meet up and I planned on talking to him about our relationship. He asked if he could get me early that day so we could hang out longer because we tend to hang out late at night. I agreed but asked to be picked up a bit later than the time he suggested because I wasn’t in the best mood. I also asked if his mom was home to avoid the feigned warm interaction since I wasn’t feeling my best. He told me she was but that was fine with me.

A few hours pass and it’s about ab hour before I am supposed to get picked up and I received no text back so I text asking if he wants a rain check. My messages go through as SMS which was odd because we both have iPhones so I check Instagram. He ended up blocking me from both of his accounts. I had no warning and was (still am) incredibly confused. So I wait a few hours and send a long text from another number asking if I had done something wrong and if he was ok. I did end up receiving a text but it was only two sentences saying “I’m really sorry. You did nothing wrong. I just want to be alone rn”. That was the last time I received a response from him.

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As you mentioned, “ghosting” is very cruel because it is basically a form of abandonment. You are left to guess, wonder, and ruminate on what happened, so it’s very difficult to get any closure. It is especially painful when you believe that a real bond was formed and you trusted that the bond would protect you from abandonment.

As time passes, you’ll eventually realize that you only have one choice, which is to move on, because the other person clearly has. It’s a painful form of closure because it’s forced upon you. However, where this situation gets confusing is that you don’t truly know whether he has moved on.

A healthy relationship must have a sense of equality, in terms of both parties giving and taking in equal measure. You both have to be willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, to work through difficult situations together, and to be forgiving of each other’s foibles. You are now in a situation where the relationship is wildly unequal because he is unresponsive. The most rational decision is to cut your losses and move on. However, it’s hard to do that if you still secretly believe that the relationship should be salvaged.

He knows abandonment is awful, so it must be something big that he’s dealing with in order to take such a drastic measure. You can try to empathize with his problems, be understanding of his weaknesses, give him space when he requests it, and have patience to wait as he works things out by himself. This is the “giving” part of the relationship.

However, you also have to put in place some limits and boundaries to protect your own well-being and tend to your own needs and desires, in order to maintain your sense of equality in the relationship. Put a concrete limit on how much time, effort, or initiative you’re willing to put out. In other words, be giving, but within reason.

Decide at what point it becomes no longer worth it for you to keep trying and, at that point, decide to close the situation yourself and move on, instead of waiting indefinitely for a response. For example, put the ball in his court for a set period of time, and if he doesn’t show up within that parameter, take your ball and find someone else to play with.

As you said, you were starting to get bored with the relationship anyway and/or his problems might quickly lead to a breakup anyway. You never can tell these things ahead of time, but this may be a blessing in disguise, though things didn’t end in an ideal way. If you take that perspective, it will be easier to move on. Closure is in your hands. As soon as you decide it’s no longer what you want and you want something else, the situation comes to a close.

ALT

Don’t click this

I’m unsafe to ghost. My brain is excellent, but emotional regulation isn’t easy for me. Sometimes it feels impossible. My downward spiral is swift, vicious, and easily triggered.

But I ghost too. It’s a grey area!

The power we can reclaim is learning to let go. Easier said than done? but most things worth doing be like that.

A cuneiform letter from the Old Babylonian period (circa 1900-1600 B.C.) shows the first example of ghosting.  Written by a certain Sîn-magir to an individual named Sîn-eribam, the letter records the follow line:

Good behavior it is, that I write to you again and again, and you pay no attention to me.    

Apparently, previous letters were sent but Sîn-eribam had no intention of every responding.

~Hasmonean 

Like a ghost
Nowhere to be seen
Don’t judge me that
I kept looking at the screen

You seemed so kind
Tell me what has changed
Don’t ignore me please
Our date has been arranged

You seemed so sweet
And you seemed to like me too
Should I be worried now
You found someone new?

It was your idea
Did I do something wrong?
I try to be brave
I try to be strong

The date night is here
Still no words from you
Wait, you blocked me?
How can this be true?

I don’t know what to say
How should I react
Are you for real?
That was a selfish act

It should be common courtesy
To at least give an answer
Don’t be a coward
Being ghosted is a cancer

***

Quick poem inspired by my newest dating experience. Not a native English speaker, but hopefully there are not too many mistakes. Enjoy!

You can read more on my Wattpad account here:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/185078905-en-collection-of-poems

:

Forever a favorite. ❤

“THE 20”

NIKE X OFF-WHITE

“Because The 10 was not enough”

Please respect my ghosting stages. I be going through shit can’t nobody help me with.

[ghosting]

Kommunikation ist keine Einbahnstraße