eroticmalemassage:

My First Happy Ending

My husband and I had gone to Vegas for the weekend. We were staying in one of the nicer hotels on the strip and decided to get massages as a special treat. Being that this was one of the higher-end spas in Vegas, I assumed this would be a good but fairly standard massage experience.

I had disliked massages when I was younger - I was always too sensitive and couldn’t relax - but since my late 20s I have tried to get them regularly. I always requested a male therapist because no matter who was massaging me I would become aroused as soon as they touched me. I was much less self-conscious about this with male therapists because I felt they understood the physical response. Most therapists ignored it and a few simply moved my erect penis gingerly as they worked. I found this even more arousing and often fantasized about that quick, professional handling developing into more, but I never went to the kind of massage parlors that I assumed would allow that sort of thing. You know, the massage parlors with the blackened display windows and muscular all-male staff. There are a few of those around New York City.

We arrived for our massages early and were served ice-cold cucumber water as we waited in the warmly lit waiting room. My husband‘s therapist - a thirty-something muscular white guy with a warm smile – arrived first and escorted him into the interior of the spa. We don’t like couple’s massages because hearing the other therapist is often distracting. I waited a few more minutes reading Vanity Fair or whatever other magazine was laying around. My therapist arrived shortly after. He was a little older than the first and not quite as buff but he had cool, razored hair and large stainless steel hoops in his ears. He wore chunky turquoise bracelets which I found surprising because most therapists I worked with wore almost no jewelry as they worked. He escorted me to our room and told that he would be back in a few minutes.

The room was well-appointed but tighter than I expected. Just enough space for the massage table and area for the therapist to move around me. There was low soothing music playing and the candles were lit. I stripped off - I always do massages completely nude - and lay down on the table. Moments later he knocked on the door and entered.

He was rather chatty as he laid a small white towel across my ass and started to massage me. Standard strokes, getting a sense of my body, and asking questions about the pressure I liked, areas of pain, areas I didn’t want touched. I indicated that all areas were fair game but my lower back always requires special attention. He asked where I was from; we talked about where we lived, how I wound up in New York and how he came to Vegas.

I’m not sure how much time passed with me on my stomach and him working on my back. When he was working on my lower back, he kept hitting the little white towel that was covering my butt. I laughed and said that he could move it if it was in the way. He pulled it away but kept working just above my ass. He went down to work on my legs. We kept talking and I was being lulled almost to sleep by his rhythmic movements. Of course, my dick was completely hard and laying on it made my butt push up slightly into the air. Suddenly I realized his hands were working slowly up my inner thigh.

I felt them sweep higher and higher. I kept waiting for it to stop but then I felt his fingers graze the underside of my balls. I thought maybe he had just lost himself in the movement but then he did it again. This time more slowly and deliberately. His fingers moved smoothly up through my crack, almost as if that was a natural stroke of the massage. I heard myself moan.

“Okay, you should flip over.”

I did as he said and he slowly laid the towel back over my erection. He started massaging my chest. Slowly, he move towards my abs.

“Can I rub your tummy?”

I laughed and nodded. He rubbed lower. His hands grazed my head which was just starting to glisten. Reaching almost to my belly button, my cock was only half concealed by the towel at this point. His hands moved down to my pelvis, rubbing firmly but gently. His fingers slipped through my pubic hair. The towel slipped down and off to the side. I may have moaned again.

Then his hands were on my dick. I almost stopped breathing as I realized what was happening. He didn’t speak as his hands moved up and down my shaft. One hand cupping my balls as the other started working around the head of my cock. He worked slowly, deliberately. His movements maintained the same rhythm he had used throughout the massage. Slowly he started speeding up, working up and down my dick. First with one hand, then with both. I could feel the pre-come oozing as he coaxed it out of my cock.

My heartbeat was already racing when the warmth of his mouth engulfed me. He just wanted to taste my pre-jizz because he licked, tasted, and then straightened up again.

My breath came back as I started to throb in his hands. His grip became firmer. The light oil on his hands felt silky as he began to pump me. My right hand edged closer to him. I couldn’t stop myself from reaching for his crotch. But with his free hand, he reached down and put my hand back on the table. He never stopped his stroke.

I was breathing in short, barely audible breaths.

“Shhh…”

I felt my balls tightening. His body was slowly rocking with his motion. His hand went from working the whole shaft to focusing on my head. Then with his other hand he reached under my balls and slipped a finger down into my crack. He gently rolled his fingertip around my hole. My knees shot up and suddenly I was shooting cum all over myself. I came on my beard, down my neck, and across my nipples.

“Damn.”

He smiled. He reached back and took a moist towel from the heater. He cleaned me up wiping the cum from my neck, chest and belly button. He wiped off my cock and replaced the modesty towel.

“There, now you can really relax.”

To his credit, he resumed the massage as he had before. I expected that perhaps my orgasm would be the end of his duties, but he returned to my legs, rubbing them firmly and finished by massaging my feet. He took his time with the same rhythmic motion.

His hands glided up my body to my shoulders. He pulled my neck and then leaned in close to my ear.

“We have come to the end of our massage. It was a pleasure working with you. And, by the way, that didn’t happen. At least not outside of this room.”

He left, quietly pulling the door behind him.

Series: A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

Pairing: Jude St. Francis and Willem Ragnarsson

Words long:5.6k

[MAJOR BOOK SPOILERS]

Takes place after VII/Lispenard Street

Summary: Jude’s final attempt sends him back to the day Willem’s car crash happens. But this time, the drunk driver hits another car instead. Willem is alive.
With the memories of a life without Willem, Jude decides to achieve a better ending than the one he got. And with Willem by his side, nothing feels impossible.

(Also, sorry if the writing style feels a bit different than Yanagihara’s, My first language isn’t English and I didn’t read the English version of this book. I really hope there aren’t too many noticeable mistakes that would prevent you from enjoying it.)

–

VIII / The Butterfly Effect

The needle of the syringe that’s inside of Jude St. Francis feels cold. Nothing more, nothing less. The fingers of the man holding it trembles for a second, even himself isn’t sure if it’s because he is scared or excited. Scared for death, or excited for the release. 

Release. That’s the name he came up with for this attempt months ago, while he was planning the letters each person would get. He has become such a dead weight on other people that it is noticeable; from their smiles that hide worry, or their eyes covered in dark circles. People around him are tired because of him. Harold, Julia, and Andy, they all are. He thinks how their lives would be if they never met Jude. Probably way happier. This thought has been putting a lot of weight on his shoulders and each day the weight multiplies. The shoulders that have been already carrying so much of the past.

The needle stays inside of him for a couple of minutes, he still didn’t inject the air into his artery. He looks around himself, taking in the last chance of using his senses, ever. He looks at the -perfectly- clean bathroom tiles, feels its texture with his hand that’s not holding the syringe and smells the perfume of Willem he poured onto himself minutes before. He cries, of course. Cries for what he is doing, how others are going to react, and what could have been. If only this and that were different. If he was a better person, then things would be different. He would make everyone proud. Maybe even himself.

He fought, very hard. He just wishes other people will be aware of it after what will happen moments later. That he is not doing this because he is giving up, but because he fought so long that he can’t bear to do it any longer. “Release me from my promise to you.” He remembers shouting these words to Harold, “Don’t make me do this anymore, don’t make me go on.”

But he stops himself from diving too deep into his thoughts or memories. He has already thought about these probably his entire life. What good would they be in his final moments? So, he changes his focus; He looks at the space in front of him and thinks of him, Willem. He knows it’s selfish not to imagine Harold or Julia or Andy… but Willem is already dead and dead people can’t be more disappointed. Thinking anybody else who is alive would only make him feel guilty about what he is about to do. He tries to imagine Willem in front of him, he thinks how his touch would feel on his cheeks, arms, chest, and back. He thinks about all the years he knew him. How Willem always found a way to find his way back home and how he always tried to take care of Jude. He plays their memories on his head, one by one, that’s how he always planned it would go. Because if he doesn’t, his promise to Harold will be all over the corners of his mind, and that way he could never find the courage to do what he is about to do. 

Only Willem, Jude guides himself in the right direction. Willem’s hair, Willem’s smell, Willem’s kind heart, and Willem’s arms around him as they slept together side by side every night. The memories get faster and faster as his heartbeats do as well. Sacred memories that only belong to them. How lucky and blessed Jude must be to have such magical memories. Willem, he thinks.

Willem, Willem, Willem.

I hope we can meet again someday, dear.

He shuts down his eyes and injects the syringe all at once. The air that was previously stuck in the syringe’s tube finds its way and welcomes its new home, Jude’s artery.

The pain he feels isn’t how he imagined it would be, it feels normal to him, way too normal. But he can’t figure it out if it was because the actual act wasn’t as harsh as the papers written about it or if his body was so used to inflicting pain to itself that this was nothing new. He feels happy. Yes, the pain, his body trembling and his legs kicking around in an animalistic way feels distracting, but he can still think of Willem. Not being able to do that was his biggest fear in the whole act itself.

He thinks of him until his mind doesn’t allow him to, until he forgets what he looks like. But that doesn’t stop him. He knows Willem’s name and Willem’s name is enough home to him. Enough to keep him safe from Brother Luke and Dr. Traylor’s fingers that are reaching for him. It seems that Jude carried his demons with him for so long that his mind still can’t let go of them, even at death. He still clearly remembers every single detail about them, but he isn’t worried. 

It’s okay. He knows Willem’s name, nothing else would be strong enough to take that name away from him.

–

There is a noise.

The noise comes and goes, one by one, but it is always the same noise. As if somebody is shutting a light switch on and off repeatedly. He drifts away from his dazed state, he can hear the ringing more and more clearly now. Jude can’t help but shake his head, the fog that’s surrounding him needs to get away because the noise is getting more and more irritating each passing second. He feels his right arm slapping through the air as if he is materializing the thing that’s bothering him and punching it. But it doesn’t work, the ringing is still there.

Seconds feel like an eternity. An eternity of remembering what he has done seconds ago. Great, he thinks to himself, I’m in the hospital again. He failed. Failing twice in a subject so close to him feels like a punch in the throat. This is the one thing he should be doing successfully and better than anyone, but he even fails at this, apparently.

The ringing gets louder and louder, so loud that he takes a bold step to get up. The action is more of a reflex but what surprises him is that he can feel his body moving. His muscles tensing up and his prosthetics lifting him to the ground. He feels worried now, how is he standing up if he is in the hospital? It’s time to open your eyes, he commands himself. Something is wrong, Jude. It feels like it takes him days just to lift his glued eyelids back up. The light feels violent, he covers his eyes for a while with his scarred hand and waits until they adapt to seeing, observing life once again.

He is in the Lantern House. He looks around with a huge discomfort in his chest. How is he here, why is he here? He wasn’t supposed to be here, the last thing he remembers is the needle that was inside of his skin and the stroke taking control of his body. Being here made no sense at all.

His mind doesn’t even think about how it could just be a bad nightmare.

His thoughts get distracted by the ringing once again. What he thought were hospital machines beeping was coming from the kitchen table.

Oh, his phone was ringing.

He slowly but surely moves his body towards the kitchen, since he still feels a bit dazed, he doesn’t bother checking the caller and just answers the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi Judy!” the voice that’s coming from the other side of the phone reaches him and suddenly Jude is wide awake, feeling clearer than he had ever felt. He pushes the phone closer to his ear until it hurts and is still shocked by the unexpected voice.  Was this a voicemail? Or an old recording he put on a loop to fall asleep? “Dear, I just met up with Malcolm and Sophie at the station, we’ll shortly be on our way. Do you need anything from the grocery store?”

Willem’s voice.

Jude doesn’t even hear the words themselves; he just hears Willem’s beautiful voice on his ears and tears up. Even if somebody is messing with him by playing this sound to him on the phone, Jude doesn’t care. “Willem, is that you?” he whispers to the phone. “Of course, it’s me, Judy.” Willem chuckles sincerely, “Or is there anyone else that calls you ’dear’?”

Jude instantly takes a step back from the phone and even falls to the ground. This conversation has never  happened between them and his mind is racing between millions of thoughts on  what the hell is going on.  He is not sure how long he stayed on the ground, he was so distracted and mesmerized by Willem’s name on the screen. “Jude?” Willem finally speaks once again, “Is everything alright?”

Jude wasn’t  alright, he would be crying hysterically if he wasn’t biting on his own fingers to silence himself. The tears are rolling down from his cheeks nonstop and he knows this can’t be real.  This is the day Willem dies . 

The day Willem went to pick up Malcolm and Sophie seems so far away from now. Just a blur, a lost page on a dusted calendar. 

He would laugh at himself if he could, to the fact that he questioned how moments ago his suicide attempt could be a dream. Jude wasn’t stupid,  it wasn’t a dream . The nightmares he had to endure, the days that only had ever-lasting pain in them couldn’t be a dream.

But this was one.  Hearing and seeing Willem could  only  be a dream.  It always was . They would get rarer and rarer, so much so that he doesn’t even remember which day was it the last time he had seen Willem in his dreams. He inhales sharply and forces himself to sound normal and picks up the phone again, “Sorry,” He says, “I’m cooking at the same time, a bit busy.” He adds. “Oh, I see!” Jude can see the smile that forms on Willem’s face. “So, do you need anything?” Willem asks once again.

Jude smiles faintly.  I just need you, Willem. But you’re never going to come back to me.

He leans on the phone, he could almost hear Willem’s steady breathing on the phone, he would never speak and drive so they must still be in the train station. The thought of warning Willem about the car crash sounds so desperate to him. But he is  desperate, he is and  has always been  since this day. The funny thing was, Willem wouldn’t even think of him as crazy, he would nod and say he would make sure to drive a bit slower. But Jude still can’t find the courage to warn him. He takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes so that he can see again, “I’m out of soil for the garden,” He puts his forehead to the wall, he knows there is a flower shop right before the place the car crash is going to happen. “Can you stop by and get me some?” the question is such a simple one without context, so it doesn’t even take a second for Willem to answer, “Of course, the usual store?” he asks for reassurance and Jude nods, “Mhm.” He says, “ Please take your time.”

After the phone call ends, Jude feels himself almost going crazy. First, the seconds don’t pass. He is stuck in a singular moment, thinking of how the conversation went. Repeats  every single  word Willem just said to him in his head and lives them in his head again and again. Then, seconds pass like sands falling from an hourglass. He wishes for time to slow down but minutes keep passing and passing. Jude is surprised at how childish he is feeling. He thinks that how he is feeling would be the same  if he had a normal childhood and if he was waiting for Christmas morning.

When the doorbell rings, he is still in the same spot the phone call happened.

He doesn’t know how to react or respond, he just feels his body preparing to get up and run to the door.  Will he see Willem? Is he that lucky in his dream?

Then it hits him, maybe nothing has changed. Maybe it’ll be a police officer standing in front of his house again, announcing what happened to his dearest friends. 

Knowing himself, Jude can guess which way this dream is going to go. His mind has never been a friend to him,  so why would it this time?

That’s why he doesn’t move an inch, he stays there and looks at the door. Why was it locked anyway? Couldn’t they just enter and save him from the misery? Minutes pass once again, his phone is also ringing now. He slowly gets up and looks around. The kitchen is familiarly strange to him. Over the years after Willem’s death, he made small changes but those changes aren’t there anymore. Not being able to find comfort in his own house makes him even more anxious. Each step towards the door feels like a journey itself.

When he finally opens the door, he was fully expecting to see an officer standing right next to him to announce whoever got hurt this time.

But he doesn’t see a police officer. What he sees feels just like another day of his everyday life. But a part of him knows this isn’t ordinary. A part of him is sure how much this cannot be real. He looks at the people greeting him by the door, Sophie, Malcolm, and Willem.

Willem.

Jude feels as if he is seeing Willem for the first time in his entire life, all his grace at once. All the days he starved himself just to have a glimpse of him, all the nights he buried his face onto Willem’s shirt, and all the days he used Willem’s perfume on his pillow. Every single day he spent without Willem comes at him like ravenous wolves jumping at their prey. Jude is so overwhelmed that he doesn’t recognize the worry on their faces. Well, technically he does, but he is used to it, so it doesn’t bat an eye.

“What took you so long?” Willem says. The simple, without character words leaving Willem’s mouth sounds like music from the heavens to Jude. He could cry, he wants to cry. But his old habits are also returning him, he can’t do that in front of Malcolm and Sophie. 

Jude has always been good at lying, so much so that he could come up with one without even taking another breath. It is one of the greatest defences he built against the world trying to find their way to his secrets. “I got tired from waiting for you guys, so I took a nap.” He explains while looking at the paper bags that are filled with groceries in their hand. “Why was the door locked in the first place?” Malcolm asks. He knew Malcolm probably all of his adult life, he was Jude’s one of the closest, dearest friends. But spending two years without seeing or talking to him is showing its outcomes. Malcolm feels and looks like a stranger to him; someone he needs to trust all over again.

Jude slowly comes back to his senses more and more and as he does, he realizes how monotone the questions sound, how superficial and shallow. Whatever he replies with won’t make a difference to them because the questions are just out of kindness. They have something else in their mind, Jude thinks. “I started getting paranoid lately when it’s just me in the house.” He finally blurts it out, and just like how he thought, they nod and keep looking at him with dilated pupils and unstable breaths. He curses at himself for caring. He wants to be selfish and take Willem into his arms, he wants to touch every single part of him, he wants to bury his nose and smell him, even kiss him. But he doesn’t, he can’t, not when they look so out of character. “What happened to you guys?” Jude asks instead, he is better at lying than them, so he knows they won’t understand how fake his question is as well, just like theirs. They might not know it, but he himself knows. He doesn’t care about what happened to them, he just wants Willem. And that makes him despise himself even more.

“Judy…” Willem exhales, steps into the house, and wraps his arms around Jude tightly, securing him in his place, as if somebody is going to come and snatch him away from them. The moment Willem takes him in his arms, Jude figures out this cannot be real. No matter how real his dreams felt, they never felt this close, this detailed. They were always vague about Willem because no matter how many times he watched Willem’s movies or videos, he would be nothing but a blur in his head. How is this real, how are you real? 

Willem quickly breaks the embrace, takes Jude’s face into his hands, and kisses his cheek gently. Willem’s lips touching him feels like an award for surviving through all those days without him. “There was an accident.” Willem finally says, “A truck hit the car right in front of us, Jude… Right in front of us. There was blood everywhere.” Willem’s words are disconnected from each other, they had long pauses and it seemed like he didn’t even know what emotions he was feeling, let alone describe them.

He takes a quick small step back to distance himself from Willem. “The driver… didn’t hit you?” he asks while sighing in relief, he almost even smiles, not realizing how stupid and arrogant the question sounds. “What?” Malcolm responds instead, “God no, Jude. Why would you say that?”

He blinks a couple of times and figures he should be surprised, maybe shocked even. But he isn’t, he still remembers every detail, the driver -how could he forget-, his name and what vehicle he drove, what beer company he worked for, and exactly how much money he took from him… “God.” Jude finally speaks and asks the question he already knows the answer of, “How bad was it, Willem.” 

Willem. Speaking his name to Willem himself is a paradise he yearned for years. Willem opens his mouth, but words don’t come out of it. Malcolm and Sophie sense his stress and also steps into the house. They all guide Willem to the couch in the living room and Jude goes to the kitchen to take a glass of water for Willem. His steps in the kitchen are so fast, so childishly quick that it doesn’t even take more than ten seconds to give him the glass.

When he has the chance of seeing Willem, any time he spends elsewhere would be wasted time. 

“There was a family of four… Two kids.” Malcolm whispers, he is still shaking, “Their poor bodies were all over the ground.”

Sophie shushes Malcolm and looks at Jude, as if Malcolm’s words would affect Jude’s mental state or triggers him in any way. He laughs at Sophie in his mind. I saw all your dead bodies, helped people identify Willem, do you really think some random people would affect me?

“It could’ve been me…” Willem says, he picks his words carefully. He is covering his eyes with his hands, “We stopped at the flower shop on the side of the road,” Willem gives a glance at Jude, “It only took me a minute to get it, Judy. If I didn’t stop there, it would’ve hit us instead.” He says and Jude can feel the tears forming in Willem’s eyes from the way he speaks. Willem doesn’t sound like he is scared he almost died; he sounds guilty. “It could’ve been me…” he had said, but the only reason he said it like that must be because he didn’t want to upset Jude. It should’ve been me, what he was trying to say. He should’ve been the one to get hit, instead of the family.

Soil? Jude thinks, all the horrible, endless nightmare-like days went without Willem was avoided because he was out of a bag of soil? He curses at the universe, or life, or whatever god there may be. Fuck the family who died, Jude thinks selfishly, I already once accepted the fact that I would give up on Malcolm, JB, and Harold all at once just to have you back. And he was back, all because of some stupid soil?

The soil that you asked from him. His conciseness suddenly reminds him. Then the realization comes like boiling water pouring down on his entire body. Was he the reason this happened?

“I’m so sorry, Willem,” Jude speaks, but he is still lying. “How is the driver?” he continues. “The fucker is fine, barely a scratch. Apparently, he was drunk.” Malcolm answers, his words cut like razors, they carry so much anger it almost lits the room on fire, he remembers feeling this same rage once as well. Jude takes Willem’s hands onto his own ones -they feel so tender, rough but warm- “I will see what I can do about this, I promise you…” he comforts Willem, “I will not let him get away with this.” 

Of course, these words are nothing but a way to comfort Willem. Jude never went out of his way to work on a case that wasn’t introduced to him by the company or colleagues first. 

He doesn’t want to act anymore; he wants to care about this family that died. So, he searches into his soul to find the flames he once set on fire, the fire that burned everything that was behind the reason for the car crash. But when you set something tremendous on fire, it doesn’t just stop once the job is done. It keeps burning, keeps seeking for more and more to destroy. And what it found next was Jude himself. 

He reminds himself of the hatred when he saw the driver’s face and how satisfying it felt when he took every single penny from him -and his family- as if it would be enough to buy Willem back from the dead. 

He searches and searches, but he can’t find it. 

He knows the reason behind it very well; he is simply not angry at the driver, how could he be, after all, he didn’t hit Willem. It wasn’t Willem’s car, Willem was safe. How could he be angry at him? If he was standing next to him right now, Jude might even thank him, “Thank you.” He would say, “Thank you for not picking him this time.”

Who he is angry at isn’t the driver anymore. It’s himself. He was the reason why they died. And after coming to terms that this was somehow real, Jude feels guilty. ‘But Willem is safe,’ his mind appears at him for comfort, ’Isn’t it worth it, Jude? He is safe and sound. You didn’t even know the family.’

It was true, not him or neither Willem knew who they were. But Willem had seen their bodies. All the sorrow and guilt he is going through right now is because of Jude. He is the reason behind Willem’s trauma.

The dinner goes awkwardly standard. Conversations die easy and the only constant noise is the forks and knives hitting the plates. Jude tries not to stare at Willem for long periods, to not make him suspicious of anything. Look at your food for 30 seconds, then ask a question to Malcolm that Willem would also answer, then you can look into his eyes as much as you want as he speaks. Finding shortcuts like this was something Jude was good at, so he could fabricate as many excuses to stare at Willem, his home. Not that Willem would mind Jude’s eyes on him, but Jude wanted to act normal. He wasn’t going to reveal what was going on before he finds any clues. That is if he can find any.

Oh, how terribly I missed you, Willem. 

In the past two years, he read and memorized Willem’s emails so much so that he could think of how Willem would react in a situation. That was a coping mechanism he figured out a while after Willem’s death. When he sought guidance or needed affection from Willem, he would dive into his mind and let his imagination react as Willem. Willem would do this if he were here, say this and kiss like this. But now, he doesn’t need to do that, or anything similar. He doesn’t need to starve himself to see him or let go of Willem entirely to move on.

Willem is right there, right next to him, and when Willem is next to Jude, he knows he is safe, he knows this is where he is meant to be.

Somehow, none of them realizes there is something wrong with Jude. It is probably because they’re dealing with their demons and struggles right now. This gives some time for Jude to focus on what the hell is going on. But the answers he finds are close to none and the more questions he finds the faster time passes.

Next thing Jude knows, it is time for bed. He already prepared the guest room for Malcolm and Sophie, so he just tells them goodnight and lets them settle there. But even then, even after hours of their arrival, he isn’t ready for sharing a bed with Willem, not yet, not this soon. He can barely go on looking at his eyes without having a heart attack, how is he suppose to lay next to him? So, he busies himself with dishes, then reorganizes some of the kitchen shelves. He spent so long without Willem that the house’s interior changed over the years. He is now used to taking the glasses from the third cabin instead of the first one and the plates from the upper shelf rather than the cabinet below. So, he takes them one by one and adjusts them to how he is used to. But Jude also knows that he can’t stay away from the bedroom forever. Willem is still shocked. Sure, he made a couple of jokes as they were eating dinner or told stories about his latest projects, smiled like how he always does, but Jude knows how good of an actor he is and this is nothing but an act. Willem needs help right now, switching the places of plates and glasses isn’t a good excuse to be away from him. Not when he just got him back. 

He counts his steps to the bedroom one by one, when the number reaches thirteen, he is by the door. Jude first knocks on the door -he doesn’t want to scare Willem, just in case- and enters slowly. The room isn’t lit completely. Only the lamp that’s next to Willem’s side of the bed is on and he is half laying on the bed, holding a book Jude knows wouldn’t be interesting to Willem’s liking. His eyes weren’t even on the pages, he was staring at the ceiling.

Willem’s eyes change their location and find Jude, and Jude can see how fast they soften, his heart breaks into million pieces all at once. He quickly builds himself back up but it’s barely holding it together. Hold on Jude, he commands himself, you can’t let him see that you’re struggling, not when he is like this. “Judy…” Willem says, his voice carries all the emotions he was holding back throughout the day. “I’m here, Willem.” He quickly walks towards Willem and holds his hand. Willem’s eyes fill with tears and he closes them shut before he starts crying. 

Willem holds back Jude’s hand with his left and onto Jude’s shirt with his right hand. He is fighting himself not to pull Jude in but Jude knows that’s what he actually wants, what he needs right now. So he exhales, doesn’t think about his problems, and lets Willems pull him beside him, next to the arms he belongs.

Willem breaks down, “The family’s kid looked like him.” He whispers. Jude knows Willem wants to shout and break and probably destroy the whole house apart. So why isn’t he? Why is Willem still holding his feelings inside, is it because Malcolm’s here? Or is it because of Jude?

“Who?” Jude whispers, covering Willem’s back with his arms and forming a hug. “Willem it’s okay, I’m right here. Talk to me.” He says and Willem inhales hesitantly and blurts a word out, but he can’t finish his sentence. “Hem…” he manages to say, and that is enough for Jude to understand.

Hemming.

Of course, he knows who Hemming is, he has heard his name maybe hundreds of times from Willem’s childhood memories. Willem’s past was never a closed box, Jude has heard snippets of his home, his family, and about his brother many many times. His eyes would lose their focus each time he mentioned his brother as if he is trying to imagine himself there with him. From what Jude knows, Hemming was a good person, yes he couldn’t react or do things like a regular person would do but he gave comfort to Willem and Jude was forever grateful for that.

But whenever he hears stories about Hemming, he feels as if he is learning more about Willem than his brother. How Willem would take him on walks each morning and tell him stories when it was sleep time. He learns it again and again, how kind Willem is, how pure-hearted he must be to take care of his older brother like that, with so much passion. So, each time the topic of Willem’s past comes up, Jude finds himself falling for him all over again.

Sometimes, he wondered if Willem was interested in being friends with Jude because he reminded him of Hemming. That thought occurred more and more after Willem confessed to him. Was he seeing something in Jude that would remind him of Hemming? Was he imagining his brother whenever Jude needed help psychically? After all, Willem helped dozens of kids who had disabilities, and wasn’t that because they reminded him of his brother?

Thankfully, Jude later figured out that wasn’t the case. He tried testing him many times. Just like the time he tested if Harold was one hundred percent sure about adopting him. He sometimes used his wheelchair in the house even when he didn’t need to, he used his legs as an excuse to cancel scheduled important events, would go out of his way to let Willem help with things that Jude would normally be able to do. These things weren’t something he was used to doing, -getting help from others made him feel weak, but this wasn’t getting help; this was to observe- then, he would look at Willem, see the expression on his face. Was it similar to Caleb’s? Was Willem seeing his disabilities, not as his personality but as something that was standing in the way of being himself?

But however many times he looked at Willem, he saw no difference. Not even once, not even if he was tired or angry. It was as if Willem was seeing Jude as a whole, as if each and every single part of his personality was required to be on the stage to complete “Jude”. He was certain of it when he tested him for the last time. They were fighting -Who knows about what, it’s been so long since Willem died that all their fights feel insignificant-, and Jude struggled to take a file he needed to grab from the shelf, he couldn’t reach. Of course, like many times in the past, his legs were aching -they weren’t amputated yet- and Jude just couldn’t grab them. 

He tried and tried and eventually gave up, their words were still on the air, arguing and shouting and trying to force their opinions onto each other. Then Willem got up, took the file Jude couldn’t reach, gave it to him, and returned, arguing as if nothing had happened. That’s when Jude understood, it meant nothing to Willem. 

If Willem took pity on Jude’s disability and stopped the fight once he saw him struggling, then Jude would know how it was just a barrier. But Willem never saw it like that. The struggles that came with Jude were a part of Jude, not something that should be excluded.

In the bedroom, they stay in that position for a while, Willem’s crying slowed down. Tears left their spot for soft whimpers and sobs. Their position changed as well; The hug turned into sleeping in each others arms. Jude feels extremely lucky that Willem is in no state of realizing how fast his heart is beating. Because if he did, Willem would get up and rush him to Andy, assuming Jude was having a heart attack.

But he can’t go on like this either, he missed Willem. Their usual position in bed -Willem hugging Jude’s back- doesn’t feel enough, not when Jude can only see the walls. Jude wants more of Willem, all of him.

So, he does something that he never did before, he slowly turns around -Willem gets surprised as well, but he doesn’t react- and lets Willem’s hands get free of him. He doubts for a second, not because he is afraid he would be unable to, but because he might not handle being this close to Willem after everything. Not now, Jude scolds himself to take action, not when you got your second chance.

They lay on the bed, facing each other for god knows how long. Then, Jude closes the distance, burying his head onto Willem’s chest and hugging him so tight that Willem lets out a soft sound. He inhales, taking in Willem’s warmth and scent -Oh how different and cheap the perfume’s smell felt now- but he needs more, he pulls onto Willem even more and their bodies feel as if they are one. It takes a couple of seconds for Willem to react. He first kisses Jude’s hair, then hugs him back. They are both crying silently, but being next to each other is enough comfort for them to know that they are safe and whatever they’re fighting for isn’t stronger than them.

Jude cries and cries and cries. For what he went through these last two years, for having Willem back, and most importantly, for the endless guilt of being the reason for killing a family.

He can tell Willem is asleep now, his breathing is in sync, and Willem’s fingers don’t draw circles around his shoulder anymore. He wants this moment to never end, if he had the power, he would take the chance of freezing and staying in this exact moment forever, sacrificing everything else about his life without a doubt. But he knows he can’t.

He knows that the past two years without Willem wasn’t some sort of an ever-lasting nightmare or an effect of sickness. He remembers reading about a man falling asleep and dreaming an entire life for himself. The man would meet a woman, marry her, and have two kids. After he wakes up the next morning, he doesn’t even realize that the life he woke up to wasn’t the bed he shared with his wife. He had no wife to begin with, it was all a dream.

But Jude knows this isn’t what happened with him. It can’t be fake; the reason he knows this leads to the root of many of his problems; his past. Jude’s past has never been a passive observer, it never waited until Jude gave an opening to attack. They were always on the hunt, trying to break all of Jude’s defence’s at once, jumping and dashing forward, biting every inch of the walls Jude built up over the years. That’s why his past has always been with him, he carries them with him. Every day with Brother Luke and every step he took running away from Dr. Traylor.

It feels like all of the days without Willem emerged into one and joined those monsters, they formed an alliance with the other monsters there and attacked at once. They are all trying to find their way back in, to feed until they can’t do it anymore. 

The monsters never came from things that were fake or imaginary, they were always real -except for that one time Jude imagined Harold taking advantage of him, but that was due to a fever- The creature that the past two years turned into is massive, probably way bigger than any other monster lurking around Jude’s head. He knows they can’t be fake or just an imagination of the mind. He is sure of it, they were real.

What he is not sure of is how he is going to go on. How different the events are going to be with all of them still alive? All the time travel movies he has seen in his life often dealt with the “Butterfly Effect”; even a change of something affecting the future drastically. But Jude isn’t worried about that, whatever challenges life throws at him, he knows he can handle it when Willem is next to him. 

Then Jude realizes. If he wasn’t embraced by Willem’s arms so tightly, he would even get up from the information his mind just came up with;

He has lived through the worst.

A life without Willem , a life where he disappointed every single person that has ever known and cared for him. A life that took him to the day where he sat on that cold bathroom floor and forced a syringe into his artery willingly. The things he felt back then are what he is feeling now but he is suddenly more self-aware this time. 

If how he lived his life the way he wanted it turned out like this -the worst case scenario, without a doubt- then even the smallest difference he would make from now on would only make things for the better. 

What if he spoke about his feelings more, or smiled more, or forced to take part in a social event Willem wanted them to join this time? What if he just went to Harold and hugged him -they haven’t done that since Caleb-, what if he thanked -instead of apologizing- Andy for all the trouble he has caused him. This and this and this and this and this. What’s the worst thing that could happen? He already successfully killed himself once.

Jude promises himself that no matter what he does from now on, he will not let the same ending happen to him, not again. He doesn’t know what gave him this second chance, he might never even find out, but it doesn’t matter. He has been given one and is not going to waste it.

He spends the entire night watching Willem asleep. His fingers are so curious, touch starved yet so shy that it takes him hours to go from Willem’s shoulders to his chest. It is pitch black, so he can’t see him at all, but he knows he is there, he can hear his soothing breathing and his chest rising slowly. His warmth is radiating, and it feels as if it is creating a shield around Jude’s body. He doesn’t need to fight the demons and monsters all alone now, he has Willem’s strength and protection with him. And he hopes his own warmth is providing the same thing to Willem.

He needs to change, and change seems so easy when Willem is still next to him. Even if the change is the slightest, smallest act, it can’t ever get worse than the ending he got.

The butterfly effect, he reminds himself. 

Then, for the first time since Willem’s death, Jude St. Francis falls asleep peacefully.

the end.

–

[AN]

This series… Jude is an amazing character, I think Hanya Yanagihara portrayed the “If you don’t seek help, this is what happens” theme very well and this fic is in no way to insult her writing, I’m not saying my version is better or the right ending for the book! I’m just a sucker for characters getting the ending they deserve so I’m putting my own spin on this, in my version of the ending, Jude decides to seek the help he needs.

I hope you liked this!! Writing Willem and Jude supporting each other was SUCH a therapy for me. This book affected me so much and being able to give them some comfort is the only thing helping me accept the ending of the book without making me go through an existential crisis.
Thank you SO SO much for taking your time to read this fic. If you enjoyed it, leaving a comment would mean the world to me, I would love to hear your opinions on it!

I’m really not sure if I’ll continue this series, I think there’s space for one more chapter where Jude meets the rest of the characters. Writing a character that’s so beautifully and carefully written was very difficult, I had to pause writing and ask myself if Jude would think like this or if he did, what would be the reason behind it. I hope they didn’t feel out of character to you.
Thank you!!!

if two people love each other there can be no happy ending to it.

Ernest Hemingway

So I adopted a Cat. He was found living in the street of London and has never had a home. He has been tested and has a cat disease(which only cats can have) which means he can’t go outside incase he fights with other cats. He is perfectly healthy aside from this though and still deserves a home and love.

He is 18months old and already had a name which is Sage. Perfect match for me as I use sage all the time to cleans my alter, it felt almost meant to be.

Sage is in fact the most loving cat I’ve ever met in my life. We bonded straight away, I love him with all my heart. ❤️

The first of seven brand new Drarry fics inspired by the seven Weasley siblings.

@jessica-doom​, one of our faithful original members, has been given the honour to open up this anthology with a story featuring our oldest Weasley sibling, Bill. At the same time, she offer us another instalment in her Comfort in the Unexpected series.  (Might this be the happy ending we’ve all been craving for so long?)

Bill | Comfort & Joy

Author:@jessica-doom​​
Word Count:5,461
Rating: M

In a way it never had before, Christmas suddenly felt so entirely domestic to Draco. This likely was in direct result of the floral apron tied around his waist and the scents of laborious cooking and spice-scented candles in the air. But the feeling went even deeper than those surface signs. It was an intrinsic feeling he had of warmth and wholeness, so new and unlike anything else.

A feeling which was very nearly ruined when Harry brought an unexpected guest to Christmas Eve dinner.

Read it now on AO3

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This weekend, we’ll post seven brand new holiday-infused fics, each one inspired by one of the seven Weasley siblings. Each story is a stand-alone work, but together they make up the anthology we call Seven Shades of Weasley.

Over the weekend, we’ll give you 7 fics  — plus an accompanying Spotify playlist containing 7 songs, one for each fic included in the collection.

Make sure to also check out the rest of the series on AO3 if you don’t want to miss out on any of the Drarry goodness  — and maybe subscribe?

_______________

We — the Seven Shades of Drarry — are a group of Drarry fanfiction writers of different backgrounds, ages, and nationalities who work together in a rare collaboration.
Seven different writing styles, seven different strengths, seven different weaknesses, all united in one project, working together to create unified themed collections based around the number seven. Each theme has seven threads, each writer assigned a thread to inspire their story, and all combined to create The Seven Shades of Drarry.

The writers included in this collab are: @drarrelie,@drarrymadhatterstuff,@evaeleanor​, @janieohio,@jessica-doom,@ladderofyears, and @gildedscripture.

Read more about our collaboration here.

PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE

Trying to survive the Gavin content drought, I’m going through some old dates and realized this…

In the “Gift of Life” karma, MC is wearing two ginkgo bracelets as if it was a reflection of real life, when a bride wears two rings for her wedding… Her diamond engagement ring and her wedding ring.

Obviously there is no mention of it in the date except for us finding out later on that Gavin has indeed bought a gem for that occasion. However by the looks of it, it’s safe to assume that PG wanted to pay an hommage to it with this karma.

The importance of this gesture doesn’t end there… When observed closely, it can be seen that the second and probably the latter bracelet has three ginkgos lined on it.

The number three always had countless meanings throughout the humankind history and is deemed to be the magic number. Among other things, it stands for Beginning, Middle, End… Body, Mind, Soul… Birth, Life, Death… But also

Past, Present and Future

It’s such a Gavin thing to do! To handcraft a ginkgo bracelet for their wedding and to put three ginkgos in line on it deliberately to tell MC without uttering a single word that She is his past, present and future… That she bewitched him in body, mind and soul, That she is his beginning, middle and end. That he was reborn with her, has sworn with his life to be there for her, to care for her, to love her and to accompany her… Till the very end.

And guess what? The very same bracelet makes an appearance on MCs desk in “Momentos”. Coincidence?

Masterlist

Gavin x MC’s Lore in S1 Pt. 4

Part 3

CH 19-24: Chasing Paperplanes Amidst Snowflakes.

… Or as I call it “The Heartbreak Era”

After sacrificing herself, MC floats in between time and space for an unknown while. When she opens her eyes, she is engulfed by pure white and her wound disappears. She realizes that she is alive and that everyone had a happy ending except for her, imprisoned in a world bereft of time.

Warning: This post has nothing but spoilers from MLQC S1!

Warning 2: If you decide to refer to this work, please make sure to mention it ^_^

Nonetheless MC finds herself willing to go back to the world which has everyone that she cares about. She hears her father’s voice assuring her of her certainty in achieving her goals. Afterwards she remembers the LIs and Gavin’s steadfast figure is revealed as a wind blows away the mist and he locks his fearless amber eyes on her:

• No need to hesitate or waver. I will always protect you.

She tries to reach out but the golden light scatters to pieces between her fingers. The hand of time falls forward one click and MC wakes up.

Observing her surroundings, MC thinks about how wonderful the world before her is. This is when we get to choose to meet Gavin.

…

MC is working late, pondering over how everything has been normal. To her, a week has passed since her sacrifice and it appears that no one has any memories of this except her. She then catches herself thinking about Gavin and how his mission seems to be lasting longer than usual.

I’m sure he’ll get the job done! Whenever he’s in danger, that fire for justice in him always burns even brighter. It made you believe there was no problem he couldn’t handle. That this peace would last forever. Thinking of his resolute, clear eyes, I couldn’t help inwardly wishing him well.

This is when she detects Gavin in the crowd while looking outside of her office window. As if they were telepathically connected, Gavin calls her right at this moment. He tells her that his mission is over and that he is passing by her office. Seeing that her light’s on, he offers her a lift home which she accepts right on the spot due to euphoria, but then realizes that he’s probably tired from his mission and decides to let him rest. Feeling the softest spot in her heart spasm, she lies to him about her not being the one in the office.

Accepting her explanation, they simultaneously tell each other to get some rest because soulmates gotta soulmate ;) (#justGavinxMCthings) .

Unfortunately, she forgets who she’s dealing with,and Gavin catches her lie easily and meets her at ground floor just as she steps out of the elevator.

MC makes a bet with Gavin about finding new scars on him after his mission, but Gavin isn’t able to think of anything to stake on. Neither can MC. But a very “accurate” HC comic as to how the bet could look like based on S2 CH19 can be found here.(Also a sign that this dynamic never changes) Spoiler alert, he does have a new wound on his left index finger, albeit from a cooking accident so it doesn’t count (*pictures him cutting his finger while chopping <3).

While eyeing him from head to toe, she muses about  the person standing in front of her. The real Gavin is a brave, decisive man of integrity who gets shy and has a little temper. She acknowledges how he chooses to protect the safety of society instead of leading a cushy life, seeing it as a tremendous act. Gavin calls her out on her captivated gaze.

Gavin wiped his face, but there was nothing on it except the glow of lights. His lips formed into a smile more enchanting than the lights, and I was drawn even more.

Speaking of lights, Gavin tells her that he has a place to look at the lights, then takes her hand and strides off with her. MC feels a warmth surging from his hand through her whole body and follows him eagerly. Small flurries of snow float on the wind, falling on them like a wonderful icing. And we read MC thinking THIS ⬇️⬇️⬇️

This is the first time we clearly read about MC’s innermost desires towards her future with Gavin. She wants to feel his warmth forever and wants to grow old together. Please mark this moment because there will be lots of references to this wish in the future dates, chapters, calls and co.

Gavin takes her to a mall with festive lighting but realizes how late it is as the lights go dim. Undeterred by a trivial obstacle, Gavin takes her flying to enable her to see the lights from inside of the building but MC is out of practice and clutches to Gavin tightly. Gavin assures her that she will have plenty of opportunity to practice. (We are merely into this chapter but we can already see the focus on a future together on both ends). For Mc this sounds like banter and a promise.

At one floor they see ginkgo leaves dancing in the autumn wind and MC thinks back to the fall day when Gavin and her reunited and can’t help looking at him, meeting his gaze:

Gavin x MC: You.. (#justgavinxmcthings)

Before they can finish their simultaneously spoken sentences, the chiming of a clock breaks their gaze. Having forgotten about her flight fright, MC tugs Gavin’s hand and pulls him toward the clock tower. Ascending even higher, Gavin buttons her coat which leads her face to turn hot. Upon arriving in front of the clock, MC starts swaying to the tune and then invites Gavin to a dance to which he replies that he’s happy watching her dance (dancing is not our birdcop’s forte´at this time but be patient ;) They will have their midnight dance in a pool of stars later). MC notes how stiff Gavin’s moves are, leaving our Jupiter shying out and trying to distract her into looking at the show. This is when the midnight bells chime (do you also sense the Cinderella vibes here? Remember the glass shoes from the 2 become 1 and Homecoming Date? Yeah, PG was foreshadowing these two dates in this chapter back in 2018 imo).

Getting back to the ground, they tidy each others’ tousled hair. MC finds that simply catching the puppet performance and enjoying a snowy yet not overly cold evening, with Gavin by her side is the definition of perfect.

While they fly to grab some food, MC tries to keep Gavin warm as the hem of his shirt gets fluttered open by the wind. Gavin tells her to hug him tightly if she doesn’t want him to get cold ;) MC listens to Gavin’s heartbeat and finds it  more delightful than the music just now. Gavin offers her a walk home afterwards after a dinner filled with food and banter. This is when MC realizes how she ended up taking up Gavin’s time despite wanting him to rest after the long mission. 

I suddenly came to a realization.

Gavin didn’t just exist for me alone. He had his own life…

I find it really important that she realizes this and it will become more eminent later in the story. This era might be full of heartbreak, but it serves a purpose and by the end of it MC becomes more mature towards Gavin.

Deciding to give him some time to recuperate, she asks him out the day after to enjoy the celebration in the city. She conscientiously offers to meet him at the Central Park instead of having him pick her up from work. Although she considers just chilling at home,her anticipation gets the best of her. Furthermore, Gavin also encourages to go to the celebration.

When the day arrives, MC runs into Perry at the celebration area. She doesn’t realizes that it’s him at the beginning and helps him as he appears to be lost in the crowd. She then has a vision of the past and how Gavin annihilated him, wiping him out bit by bit. I have to be honest with you here - Gavin having the power to annihilate something by using his evol, wiping them out bit by bit is quite scary.

After saying goodbye to Perry, she starts searching for Gavin and thinks that what he went through would be a thousand times worse than her if her vision had truly happened. She doesn’t even want to imagine it and wonders what Gavin must have endured to make such a decision. Remember their last phone call from CH18? They were both going through similar experiences, making similar decisions of unfortunate sacrifice, and having the same trains of thought while doing it.

While MC ponders over this, Gavin calls her, leaving her in a dilemma. Should she probe on whether this world is real since she just met Perry, who is supposed to be dead? Or should she pretend that nothing happened and protect what beauty is left there and now?

Over the phone, Gavin tells her that he had left for a mission right after dropping her at home the day before and that he is still on the way (can you imagine how tired he must be?). MC tries to reassure him by lying to him for the second time that the celebration hasn’t started yet, and suggests that they meet at a more secluded place.

Upon hanging up, MC’s excitement from before evaporates. While submerged in this feeling, Gavin shows up with a different expression than before, making her worry subconsciously. MC asks if something happened, to which Gavin replies reluctantly that it’s nothing. MC notices that his amber eyes contain too many secrets, not leaving any room for his usual fire.

“His lightless gaze drifted to the distance and didn’t land back on my eyes again.Those once familiar features were alien to me now. His whole face seemed subdued. As if he’d been through some intense mental battle. He finally left the shadow and walked toward me. The forced smile on his face no longer brought reassurance. He seemed estranged instead…

…His heavy military boots left deep prints in the snow, and carved away at my heart with each step.”

MC realizes that Gavin is wearing the all-back uniform from her memory and decides to tell him about Perry. However, Gavin shows neither confusion nor denial. His silence tells her everything. She concludes that the fragments from her mind truly happened.

MC reaches out  to grab him, but ends up lunging at the cheerless, cold, and empty air as he dodges. Gavin’s hands flex into fists, loosen, but they don’t reach for her. He only utters two words…”Let’s go.”. Only their elongated shadows remind her of their former days. MC’s mind is far from celebration. She doesn’t dare to speak due to his aura. Gavin realizes her gaze, but he doesn’t turn his head towards her. At last, MC breaks the silence and asks if he’s going to remain mum, to which Gavin brushes her off by saying that it’s all stuff she doesn’t have to know. This saddens MC and makes her ask him whether she is that untrustworthy. Gavin refuses in an almost cracking voice that that’s not the problem.

“He bristled at my question, growling like an injured wolf in the open field”.

Also Gavin realizes the loss of control in his tone and rubs the back of his neck. They don’t talk after that. Gavin is the one to break the silence this time ina more eased tone:

• The more you know, the closer you are to danger, I…

At this point, he receives a call and MC hopes that he would have returned to normal. Instead what he says…

• MC, I gotta….

Knowing what comes next, MC runs at him but trips on a thick bank of snow. Gavin hurries to her and offers his hand. However, just as she reaches out, he pauses mid-air.

“When did those hands that always strove for justice suddenly get shrouded in shadow? And when did he stop holding out a helping hand to others?”

In the end, Gavin just brushes some stray hairs behind her ears:

• Get up, the ground’s cold.

I don’t know about you,but my heart is pierced by a thousand knives at the sight of this Gavin. MC must feel the same because she mentions about her scraped hands and knees but she cannot feel any pain, because the only thing she feels is the way her heart recoiled when Gavin made a face like that.

“That expression of goodbye..it wasn’t the first time. This time there were no raging fires or pursuing soldiers. Just snow, and music in the distance. Everything looked so wonderful. Too bad it was just looks.”

Holding back a tingling in her nose, MC forces a smile as a farewell present for him and tells him to remember that he still owes her a celebration. But what she wanted to say was that no matter what, he has to come back alive.

Gavin responds with a slight glimmer of resignation in his gloomy eyes:

• I will. I promise you.

After Gavin leaves, MC decides that if the other end is the original reality, she’s spent enough time in this dream.

The streets, the people and the noise disappears as the snow intensifies. She finds herself in the frozen and colorless eternal Winter Loveland:

“Everything I’d done, everyone I’d met in that wonderful world…It was all just a falsehood”

Gathering her strength, she decides not to give up and this is when she encounters Cyril, who informs her that this world is her making and asks if this is the world she wanted - a world where everything is frozen, where everything she feared hasn’t taken place, and where everything she’s experienced is a product of what she yearns for the most.

“If everything could start over, if life could return to normal, if none of this had occurred…”

Afte this her vision changes…

“If on that day, everything was as usual…”

Finally, the clouded-over sky in her vision begins to peel away and MC starts looking for a person while hearing the piano melody. Meanwhile, sorrowful memories appear before her as happy ones, stopping her in her tracks. Her memory with Gavin is as romantic as always:

“I saw that evening I’d dreamed so many times. Gavin returned to my side, saying -I won’t leave-”. And this is the core of MC’s heart’s desire with Gavin. Remember how she wishes to keep that feeling of warmth with him all the way until they grow old together? It all leads to the same wish. Not to be separated, that Gavin doesn’t leave her, that he is by her side and they grow old like that.

It’s important to note here that of all the other misfortunes that happen until CH18, MC wishes that Perry stays healthy and reunites with his father, which is something unique to Gavin’s lore as her wishes go beyond her happy memories with the LIs. 

Despite knowing that these scenes aren’t real, she keeps replaying them. One cannot help but feel her loneliness and yearning for a harmonious life.

The snow falls harder and MC finds Cyril. The latter informs her that the snow is falling harder because she is still confused. He also tells her that with her power, everything that she’s experienced can be real.

Color and noise return. Cyril asks her one last time if she wants to go back. Here, we make a decision between staying silent or uncertain. While MC is torn between staying in the dream world or moving forward, she hears the LIs’ voice. And guess what? Gavin’s voice says this:

• No matter what choice you make, I’ll always be there.

See what MC hears in her head to find the motivation in her heart to go forward? It’s Gavin telling her he will be there, no matter what choice she makes. CH 19 solidifies MC’s feelings and wishes with regards to Gavin abundantly clear. The importance and distinctiveness of this can be observed better when compared to the other LIs. I will leave this to anyone who would desire to read for themselves ;). All these voices drive away her doubt and give her courage to make our decision, fully “determined”.

We decide between “The reality is cruel. But it is real’’ and “I’m not going to indulge myself in the dream anymore”

And the next decision is between:

“No matter how cruel the truth is. I wouldn’t regret”

AND

“Even if I lose everything. I wouldn’t hesitate”

Wait…This line belongs to someone else…

MC remembers Gavin’s line word for word! And of course any Gavin-stan would pick this line and we decide to move forward, thus leaving the Dream edge alongside this sight of Gavin and his words:

“The girl said, she hates people who leave without saying goodbye the most” and “I’ll take you to the stars again sometime”.

Here we can safely assume that the Spring Festival Date and Starry Date take place prior to CH18 since the karmas and lines from them are involved in her mind at this point

MC returns to reality by getting off from the subway (the same subway we travel with during the anniversary event) and feels relieved that the calamity didn’t happen. Although she wants to tell everyone that she is back, Shaw calls her with a reminder that everyone’s forgotten her and that she is someone who shouldn’t exist in this world.

MC starts searching for the people she knew but has no idea where to find Gavin. Just then, an explosion took place and MC decides to investigate.

She meets the LIs in a different order than at the beginning of the story, though there are similarities to the original versions. That is, except for Gavin. Brace yourselves - the way she meets Gavin this time is definitely not for the faint hearted!

MC calls Gavin’s number with the hopes of getting through and the STF’s number turns out to be a dead number. Once she arrives at the place of the explosion, she catches sight of Gavin’s silhouette from afar and has to rub her eyes before confirming that the person indeed is the one she’s looking for. Although she is pleasantly surprised, her circumstances prevent her from running up to him. Instead, she simply observes how he has become  thinner than the last time she saw him. She wonders if he went through the NW plan and if he would tell her the reason why. This is when she considers the possibility that he’s forgotten about her as well, and a stinging feeling emerges in her heart. Upon his movement, she pursues him, only to lose him behind a corner. She calls out his name twice. The next second, Gavin pushes her against the wall next to her and handcuffs her (This is the first time he ever pushes her against something, we will love to see him do that in the future but not here :/).

I would like to invite you to go through this scene here. Cheri has edited this scene in a way that the feelings could be conveyed much better than me scripting it here.

MC comes to the bitter realization that Gavin has also forgotten her. Right now, all Gavin sees is a suspicious person who was tailing him earlier, who somehow knows his name, and knows that he went to Loveland High. MC blinks back her tears in the hopes of keeping her composure but her inner thought is:

“The fact that it was Gavin treating me like this was almost more than I could bear”.

Him interrogating her further worsens her emotional state since MC feels unjustly accused and finds herself on the verge of tears.

Seeing this, Gavin loosens his grip slightly (he is still the compassionate Gavin we know and love, just slightly less compassionate which is understandable given that he sees no connection to MC at this point).

Gavin probs into her motive, which causes the pain in MC’s heart to overflow as she’s unable to tell him the true reason why she was following him.

Just as Gavin is about to leave after releases her with a fair warning, MC cries out his name and asks him whether he remembers her expectantly and anxiously.

Gavin answers that he doesn’t remember much from high school and warns her not to follow him again. (This following Gavin thing is going to become a recurring phenomenon in Gavin xMC’s story. She will be following him A LOT!).

When he turns to leave, MC still calls out his name and tells him to wait but to no avail.

“The moaning wind stretched on unabated, like the most mournful note in an elegy”.

By the time MC locates an exit from the alley, it’s already nighttime, and she decides to eat dinner. While doing so, she asks herself whether she regrets her decision now that everyone has forgotten her and the sacrifice she’s made. Remember what Dark MC told her back then? Yeah…As to whether she regrets this…she doesn’t have an answer at this point.

This is when she meets her brother-in-law Shaw, who still remembers her. During their conversation, she realizes that she doesn’t regret her decision.

After this, she runs into Cyril too and then decides to go home.

At this point, another explosion takes place at the habor. Just as MC is about be run over by a car while running away from the danger zone, Gavin saves her. At first, she thinks she is hallucinating:

“But when I looked up, my eyes fell upon that same Gavin who had given me a warning a few short hours ago. Still that same, familiar brown hair, flapping in the wind. Still those familiar, strong arms cradling me so securely. At my most helpless, most perilous moment, he was still there just in time to save me from the abyss.” (oh MC…ToT).

MC clutches the clothes at Gavin’s chest, not letting go, afraid that he would leave again, afraid that this time she wouldn’t be able to speak to him…afraid that she wouldn’t have a chance to see him again.

In a flood of people MC finds herself enveloped by Gavin’s familiar, clean scent. She’s about to feel like they are alone in the surging crowd but Gavin’s distant look brings her back to the panic of the moment. (no time to get lost in romantic thoughts MC)

As always, they start talking simultaneously but here is the catch…For the first time ever, they say different lines!

MC: What happened?

Gavin: You shouldn’t be here.

MC and Gavin’s eyes meet. When MC asks him why said that, he only replies with a command: “GO!” before grabbing her by the wrist (not the hand mind you) and taking her to a safe place.

Once they’re safe, MC tries to ask him about what happened but Gavin is focused on his mission and dodges MC again when she tries to reach out to him. He gives her another warning:

• Get out of here. Don’t follow me.

She tries to warn him that there might be more explosions, but Gavin leaves, rendering her calls futile. At night, a bad feeling lurks in MC’s heart and she decides to find Gavin.

She finally finds him using his EVOL to hold the bridge standing to assist with the evacuation and rescue. He also extinguishes the fire with wind. MC is left in utter awe at the sight of this. Her gaze then returns to Gavin and… “An indescribable excitement and feeling like my blood was boiling made me forget my previous fear.”

“Is that you Gavin?”

She can’t help but moving closer to him and Gavin turns his gaze to her:

• What are you doing here?

This line calms down her impulse-driven mind and she blurts out her thoughts:

• I was afraid you’d be in danger.
• What danger could I be in? Is that your reason, or an excuse? I don’t understand why you keep putting yourself in danger. I don’t see any ability in you to deal with such danger.

MC is frozen on the spot by this harsh, undisguised criticism and contempt. She feeels both wronged and unable to defend herself:

• I can…I am an evolver too. I can help! MY evol is precognition…I can see things in the future.
• So you foresaw an explosion? This is why you showed up nearby?
• Yes…I foresaw the explosion, but I wasn’t sure of the time and place…I couldn’t stop it.
• Even though I have no way of knowing if you’re telling the truth…next time you foresee something like this, remember to stay out of the way.

MC is surprised by his action. Seeing this, Gavin adds:

• You though I’d tell you to put your life on the line to try and stop it? If we had to count on individual evol to stop everything that happens, then there’d be no point in having any army.
• Even if the odds were one in 10.000, I’d still hope that I could stop the disaster. So I won’t stay away.

This leaves Gavin speechless…and with a murderous look in his eyes.

• You…

This unrestrained and fearsome look leaves MC unable to breathe.

This is when Gavin saves her from a bullet aimed at her (deja-vu), and they have a brief chat about the situation. After this, he receives word that the rescue teams have arrived and he lets the bridge collapse. It’s crazy to think that he has been using his evol all this time!

As MC follows Gavin out of the area, she inquires if he isn’t going to complete the mission to which he replies that the others will take care of it. MC takes note of Gavin’s nonchalance towards all this and that he isn’t shaken or changed at all. She thinks the old Gavin would get angry or feel grief but this Gavin is devoid of these emotions and is especially estranged. She doesn’t dare inquire further and just follows him silently.

She then asks if he thinks there’s a mastermind behind this, and if he came because he had clues.

• The clues ran dry.

“There was no hint of resentment in Gavin’s tone, but I could definitely make out a heaviness”

• If I can use my…
• I don’t believe in illusory precognitions..I only believe in reality…This definitely won’t happen a second time. It’s safe here…You head out. (I like here Gavin’s sharpness and cool head)
• And you?
• You don’t need to know.

After this, Gavin gives her a long, probing look.

• Be careful of your surroundings, and don’t go out if you can help for the being. No matter what your evol shows you.
• Can you tell me just exactly what happened?

MC asks this redundant question not because she’s unable to understand, but as a subconscious attempt to hold onto him so that he doesn’t leave. As she holds him, a fragmented vision appears before her and she sees Gavin and Helios cooperating.

Gavin flings her hand off roughly, to the extent that MC needs to take a few steps back. (Let’s be honest here MC is violating Gavin’s personal space relentlessly). He has a gloomy and enraged expression on his face and various emotions seethe in his eyes like a gathering storm.

It was a look I’d never seen on Gavin’s face before—cold, pained, hateful, bitter…venting out controllably.

MC freezes in response to his reaction, and trembles from the look in his eyes. Finally, she apologizes to him…which she really should, especially considering how often she’s intruded on his personal space on various accounts up to this point.

• I’m sorry. I didn’t think so.
• Forget it.

After this, Gavin leaves with a slight sigh of fatigue and yet still steady.

As I watched him go, for some reason my eyes started to sting. I clutched the front of my coat and bent over slightly. This posture seemed to be the only way to relieve the stifling feeling I felt in my heart…Just what was it? This pain that seemed like empathy(ehm MC, you just got rejected at least three times in a row by the man who held you in his warm and strong arms, took you to ferris rides, wiped your tears away, whose handsome face and athletic body you observed, who caught you when you were falling for your death, who gave you indescribably feelings and who blushed in front of you…Your feelings are legit).

“What on earth had Gavin been through? Just what was he hiding when he acted like nothing was the matter in front of me?- It seemed I would never know”

If I may be critical here, MC is being just a little delusional. Gavin wasn’t hiding anything or “acting” in front of her. That was Gavin from this world and his reactions were genuine imo. And the next scene confirms this:

Paying no more mind to that girl (auch…AUCH!!!! That girl?! THAT GIRL?! GAVIN!!!!!), Gavin turns to deal with subsequent matters and talks to Helios over walkie talkie and grills him for giving the wrong intel and Helios responds that he knows and that he will take care of everything.

This is when Gavin sees the ginkgo bracelet on the ground, picks it up and wonders if MC dropped it. (Wait a minute..so MC is wearing the bracelet in this world all this time?! Good to know. )

An inexplicable emotion was stirring in his heart. (all those “inexplicable” feelings our lovebirds feel throughout the story.;)) This is a strong sign that despite not having any memories of the other timelines, deep in Gavin’s heart all the memories and feelings are hidden deep. Much like in S2. So Gavin puts the bracelet in his inner coat pocket even though he doesn’t think they would ever meet again.

After MC returns home, she discovers that Evolvers are deemed as the number one public enemy in this world, and tries to calm people on the internet (cute :D) but to no avail.t this point, Dark MC talks to her and advises her to accept humanity as it is and not try to change it…So Dark MC didn’t die in CH 18. This new world is worse than the other one, and this was the right decision in CH 18?

When MC falls asleep, she has a dream about two groups fighting each other on a rainy day with fire, lighting, blood and a golden bullet shot at her. The next second, an intense pain starts spreading from her chest.

When she wakes up, Dark MC is still talking to her but she ignores this and watches the city ,swearing to protect it (#justgavinxmcthings).

Afterwards, she gets abducted by evil-haters and Helios saves her from them. Later, Helios receives a call from Gavin. The latter asks about the situation to which Helios replies “That person got away”. Wait, does this mean Gavin sent Helios to fetch MC? And that Helios lied about this? This call leaves me confused.

By the end of CH21, it has been announced officially that Evolvers exist and that they will be put under surveillance.

While in the warehouse, Gavin hears sirens in the distance. He takes his right foot off the back of the person lying on the floor and walks out. Blood slowly drips from his black-gloved hand. Countless incapacitated men are strewn on the floor behind him and then he meets Helios:

• I don’t have the time to hear about any failures.
• Things are ahead of schedule.

They get surrounded by a group of gunmen but we don’t know who they are or what happens next. But why does it feel like Gavin is bossing Helios around? Can’t say I’m a fan of their interactions.

CN Version isn’t better either:

• Gavin: 我没空听失败的消息 - I don’t have time to hear news about failure.
• Helios: 事情提前了 - Things have been brought forward.

—–

Between CH21 and CH22, Gavin’s Wind Whispers Date and R&S “Lost” take place. I believe the first half of the events in the R&S happened first because there, Gavin notes that he’s met MC twice and it is also mentioned that he thinks about her a lot. We also see him getting nostalgic upon seeing Ginkgo trees at Loveland High right after picking up the lost bracelet. If you ever watched Sailor Moon and know the meaning of the star locket for Usagi and Mamoru’s love, you can see many parallels between that locket and the bracelet. It always works like a charm for them.

After this, the date takes place as MC and Gavin’s paths cross again by the bridge. MC gets sucked into the Black Cabin and Gavin guides her to find her way out. It’s a questionable thing that Gavin uses a paper plane from his past self prior to CH18 to aid her out of the Black Cabin and doesn’t answer her questions about this afterwards. My guess is that he also doesn’t know the answer himself and that an “inexplicable feeling” is behind it.

In CH22, MC and Shaw infiltrate the STF building and the archives room. Just as she’s researching the snow incident, MC gets caught by Eli. When she tries to use Gavin’s name and their high school connection to pass by him, Eli has none of it by calling Gavin a monster:

• Gavin is a freak over at NW. How could he have been highschool classmates with you?
• Did you say Gavin is a freak…? (How dare you say that about my future husband!)
• Are you telling me that someone like that is worthy of being called human?
• But you two used to be…wasn’t he your squadmate?
• How could that be? How would a big shot like Gavin take time to come and “play-house” with the likes of us (again being called a big shot… poor Gav but he is a celebrity here too obviously) …And you better stop with the made up stories around here.

Deeming her suspicious, Eli reports MC and we learn that he is agent B-2 (at least I didn’t know that before so he was recruited before Gavin). Shaw saves her, and it turns out he was simply using her as his cover. And they have an entertaining brother/sister-in- law quality time together lol.

Later that day, MC checks the data from the USB stick Shaw gave to her and finds out that STF has been monitoring NW and stealing documents. NW has been investigating the “eternal Winter ” incident for 2 months and to no surprise the head of investigations on NW’s end is Gavin. MC wonder whether Gavin is aware of this monitoring and if so, why he didn’t take any measures against it. Coupled with her concern regarding danger faced during his missions, she wants to ask him these questions directly but then decides to do it indirectly, and searches for the old Miracle Finder episodes with Gavin with the hopes to find some answers there. To her surprise, there are no episodes with Gavin or Lucien in this version of Loveland.

After this, she reads NW reports and sees that Gavin’s investigations end at North Mountain, and deduces that he still must be there. Just as she decides to sleep first, Shaw calls her, asking for a proper thank you (oh Shaw <3). MC says that she will go to North Mountain the following day to which Shaw questions why she doesn’t intend to check the anomalies in the city first:

• Because Gavin…
• Really all you do is following him, isn’t it? (brother-in-lawing much? ^_^)
• He’s the person in charge of the whole investigation into the eternal Winter incident, isn’t he? Wherever he goes, there’s bound to be something crucial (plus, yeah I haven’t seen his handsome face during the last 48 hours, so).
• The closer you get to the truth, the more dangerous it will be. The same level of danger is just a minor threat to him, but to you it could mean life or death. Do you really need me to explain this to you?

Even though her intuition tells her to listen to Shaw, she explains that nothing is more important than getting to the bottom of this.

That night, MC dreams about the soon to unfold events on North Mountain.

She goes there and is surprised that the cable car is still operating but she has to pay an unreasonable price to use it. Without an alternative, she agrees but the cable car is unstable due to explosions on the pillaring of the electricity towers that support it. Just as MC jumps out of the height as her only means of escape, Gavin catches her (best-boi gotta best-boi).

That face that always showed up just in the nick of time.

This face to be more precise :)

Gavin arrives because MC hits the emergency alarm before jumping out of the cable car. A minute later, the cable car explodes in mid air. Gavin gives her another safety pep talk.

Down the hill, MC is detected as an evolver. Since NW officers suspect that an evolver is responsible for the incident from a tip by the ticket seller from earlier, they apprehend and intimidate her. Just as a worker presses a gun against her back, Gavin shows up and tells them that he will be interrogating her. He then reassures her that while she is not a suspect, she has to be aware of the consequences of another apprehension by NW (cut this guy some slack will you :/). Wanting to prolong the conversation, MC claims that she is from STF which obviously our sharp birdcop doesn’t buy. Still, he accepts her offer of exchanging intel and takes her to the investigation scene, although not before warning her about what happens to STF traitors. MC’s impulsive streak of blind risk-taking leaves him speechless…

• Putting yourself in danger over and over. Just what are you thinking?

MC freezes and concludes that she just can’t tell him that he forgot about her. Suppressing her complex emotions, she tells him something else instead:

• There’s just someone that I have to get back…(There, she said it).

Only after all this is over, the “us” from before can meet up in the future. (And this summarizes MCs motivation for this era of the game).

• Then, when this incident is over, tell me that person’s name. You need to learn more about how to rely on others.
• Thank you..Although…I’ve already decided to learn how to stand on my own. (Says this while tightly clutching Gavin’s lapel, oh the irony :))

Gavin and MC stand in front of what appears to be mere rubble.Just as MC starts to tell him about STF’s conjecture, Gavin lifts up the rubble, leaving MC in awe as an entrance comes into view. MC follows him into the darkness and they reach a foyer with screens. Gavin gives MC one last chance to back out. Upon hearing her determination, he hands her a gun and teaches her how to use it (which will come up later in the story).

Once inside, they find another floor underneath and discover a circular elevator that goes downward. Gavin wants to go down first but unsurprisingly MC insists on going along. I think at this point in time, Gavin has acknowledged MC’s stubborn determination and simply reminds her about the gun and to make a run for it if something happens.

When they reach the bottom floor, they realize that the machines are already deleting data about the satellite signal plan and that they are searching for the Black Swan Queen since she is the single point of failure in their plan. Just as MC plans to tell Gavin that she is the Queen, they are attacked by the mechanical arms from MC’s dream and start fighting off the mechanical arms like the killing power couple they are. Gavin even gives her a compliment that speaks right to MC’s heart.

Even though we were still in danger, and might still have to facemore, unknown challenges…still, the worry and helplessness that clouded my heart was dissipated on the wind of his words.

I will intentionally not write this scene in detail but this pic shows their power-couple vibe perfectly. (*♡▽♡*)

After a while, their stamina loses ground and Gavin starts to get one blow after the other and MC gets thrown around. Just as the situation hits rock bottom, MC sees Gavin and realizes how he is always the one protecting her, whether in the past or now. This leads MC to unleash her power. With a white light, she immobilizes the arms and the man behind them, who turns out to be the ticket seller. But hey, Gavin also unleashes the beast in him and fight me all you want but, this scene is definitely inspired by this scene from Bleach ep. 271 and 272:

MC tries to call out to him, reach out to him and embrace him, but all in vain. Gavin is mainly an overpowered seinen protagonist at this point with unstoppable strength and driven by one goal - to destroy the object standing in front of him. MC cannot help but think that the way he is right now isn’t fit to be called human.

I didn’t know how to get him to snap out of it. All I could do was keep calling his name over and over again. However we find out shortly after that this isn’t even his final form because the NW squad enters the scene and their leader reports Gavin’s status as “Dangerous category B” so there is category A?!!! Damn Gavin’s evol is scary!

This unleashed power is extremely destructive for everyone and everything in Gavin’s vicinity but it also takes a toll on him as he is wounded countless times due to the backlash of his own power. He eventually collapses, and the NW squad takes this opportunity to subdue him. MC tries various methods to stop them but to no avail. So she decides to reveal her identity to them for Gavin’s sake but Gavin stops her before she can do it.

Gavin uses his final ounce of strength to tell MC not to reveal her identity and MC notes how his movements are gentle like the old days.

• Let go of being the Queen. Live your life as a normal person. Why are you crying? Promise me that you won’t get involved in this anymore. No matter who you are, the fate of this world shouldn’t have to rest on your shoulders alone. I’ll find a way to resolve this…and I’ll find the person you’re looking for. These things are mine to do, not the Queens

At this moment, he presses their foreheads together. Through her teary eyes, Gavin puts the ginkgo bracelet into her hand, and MC knows instantly what it is.

No matter how many times I lost it, just like now, he would help me find it again and again.

• Keep it safe. Don’t lose it again. Take it. Get out here… and live.

Having said these lines, Gavin surrenders himself to the NW squad and MC gets taken away too, but she is no longer afraid.

Because I knew now that Gavin that I was looking for—he’d never gone away. No matter how the world and everyone else treated him, he still had that sense of justice and faith inside him, and was ready to fight for it with every fiber of his being.

Why are these two always so romantic?!!!! The reason why Gavin becomes so fond of her is explained in the second half of his R&S. Gavin is touched by MC shielding him since no one had ever done it for him. Her tears, calling his name over and over, and the fact that she is the Black Swan Queen drives him at this moment. And of course that inexplicable feeling swh.

In CH24, after a long interrogation, NW releases MC and she returns home, looking at the ginkgo bracelet. She feels that time seems to have circled back to the day when Gavin first gave the bracelet to her…”so I can come instantly in an emergency”.

Everytime I thought back on those peaceful, carefree days, the stinging in my heart grew deeper…(as I always say, Gavin is Queen’s/MC’s weakness; experiences with him always make her emotionally particularly fragile).

Btw her keys won’t open the door and she stays with Lucien (wasn’t she at her home at the beginning of the chapter?). Anyways, MC thinks back to Gavin’s words which have been swirling around her mind ever since they parted:

• No matter who you are, the fate of this world shouldn’t have to rest on your shoulders alone.

Being less than 24 hours away from the satellite launch, she doesn’t know if she can solely depend on Gavin and his investigation. Moreover, in order to get to the truth, he’d surely have to use that self-destructive power more frequently…something she wants to avoid most of all.

In CH24, MC tries to stop Cyril’s plans by infiltrating HMS Victoria and stopping the missile launch before the announced concert time.

Reaching the control room, MC attempts to use the PA to tell everyone who she is and how they could stop the launch. This is when she gets interrupted by Gavin who imprisons her in his arms…again (At this point I really can’t help but feel sorry for Gavin because MC is basically his ball and chain)

• Are you trying to get yourself get killed?
• I just want to bring an end to this thing!
• Why must you be so stubborn?
• Because I don’t want to see people important to me becoming strangers again!
• We’ll resolve this incident. And we will find that person you’re looking for. Right now, what you have to obey orders. Get to a safe zone.

MC tries to break loose of his confinement but realizes easily that she stands no chance when he has no reservations of letting her go. So she just stops in her place and trying to avoid Gavin dragging her forward (you know when you try to pull your dog by the leash and it struggles? Probably like that :D).

• You clearly know that only the Queen can stop this!
• But that doesn’t mean that the Queen is the only solution.
• Are you going to let the Queen decide your life, or will you—MC–decide for yourself? (God I’m simping this Gavin so much, he is so down to earth and rational I can drink him!)

Of course I knew which was the original me. But if I renounced my identity as Queen, then that would also mean giving up on saving this world myself. Meanwhile I’d have to give up this man before me, and my bonds with everyone that I ever cared about.

• But these lives are both mine! Just like your role is safeguarding justice and peace, I am both MC and the Queen, and this is a responsibility I must bear. I don’t want to feel that regret of loss again. (It is actually quite impressive how she tells Gavin her most genuine thoughts and the earnest feelings to Gavin. I remember reading these lines and guessing word by word what would Gavin say next and boy I was right- I know my man in any dimension).
• You just need to stand by and do nothing. (Exactly! He flatlines because these lines resonate with his intuition and as a man of logic he needs time to process this before announcing his final verdict- I love this man!).

He sighs while tending to MCs wounds, and the switching of roles comes full circle. Remember - there is something deep in his heart tugging him towards her and making him instinctively compassionate towards her:

• You know it’s dangerous, you know you’ll get hurt, yet you go anyway.
• Aren’t you the same? Never choosing to just stand by and look the other way?
• But I don’t just think idealistically.

He then ties the ends the bandage into a knot before helping MC put her shoes on (Remember the midnight dance? The glass shoes and him putting on these shoes? Just saying ;)). He then utters his verdict as he orders a special vehicle to pick MC up and take her to HMS Victoria.

• I’ll still need to head over to the satellite launch tower. I can’t stay with you.
• That’ll do. Gavin, thank you. (Finally an MC who lets Gavin leave without drama. I feel like a proud mama… you made it MC! After 24 chapters, you finally did it!)
• You should be thanking your own perseverance.

After this, Gavin leaves and MC thinks to herself that he has his own problems that only he can solve. (So proud, so proud! Also MC realizing Gavin’s role in all of this… He is not her supporting male-actor who should stand next to her during her final battle and give her a pep talk. He is the protagonist of his own story, his life doesn’t revolve around her and he has his own world to save/protect aside from his love for her- An analysis about this will come when S2 ends). And you know who greets MC the moment she lands on the ship? None other than Helios…Coincidence?

MC encounters Cyril on the ship and he shows her the satellite launch tower, which leads MC to say a silent prayer for Gavin, hoping that he was able to complete his mission.

Upon discussing with Cyril about the world she wants, MC finally enters the Black Cabin and we get to choose one of the guys:

Unfortunately I cannot script the following scenes here because I’ve reached the limit. So please enjoy the video here:

Disclaimer: The video is not mine

By the end of CH 24 I realized that Gavin and MCs relationship in the Eternal Winter era is about reestablishing the love and faith they have for each other. Even though Gavin doesn’t have any memories of her, she still grows on him and he warms up to her. And their dynamic starts blooming just like before albeit at a slower pace. The MQ post CH24 is the best example of this. But also MC realizes that her feelings towards Gavin are not because the affection he shows her in pre-CH18 era or the romantic gestures he does or the things he does for her in general. She genuinely loves him for who he is, Gavin doesn’t need to go the extra mile to be the recipient of her love. What I love the most is that their love isn’t depicted to be because of faith or destiny, which I always struggled to accept in Usagi and Mamouru’s case and I thank Papergames for explaining in detail why these two aren’t together because it is written in their destiny but because they are simply highly compatible.

Gavin’s Parallel Worlds Call and the end of MQ Dream Traveller explain bluntly what binds them together again in this era:

Disclaimer: I just patched different scenes together. But there are no original works from others involved.

So even though there are discrepancies here and there as they always are, and it broke my heart, I really enjoyed the Eternal Winter era because this is the era where we can get to know MCs motivations, yearnings and the things lay deep in her heart. And let’s be honest here, Gavin and MC’s dynamic and relationship is explained in utmost detail and it’s shown in various occasions what draws them together and we also get a proper closure to the “Heartbreak” of this period. But as Gavin STANS,we can’t ever complain because we usually get fed well ^_^

——

Part 5 will cover the Homecoming Era… Or maybe I’ll blend Echoes of Fate into it if the content allows me to… Let’s wait and see

If this painstakingly long post makes just a little bit sense and is readable it’s because @cheri-cheri beta-read it and I am simply out of appreciation words at this point. Thank you very much for taking time and making effort in preparing this series. I’m eternally grateful ❤️❤️❤️

Masterlist

The Mysterious Case of Phichit’s Eye

Hello, everyone! Nico and Phichit’s human here, to share a story about lack of posts, sick beans, and freaking weird-ass medical mysteries! (Spoilers: there’s a happy ending!)

So, you may have noticed that our anxious bean has a growth beneath his eye:

He had it when we adopted him at 2-3 years old (they don’t band birds in Japan so we aren’t exactly sure), and they said he was born with it. The vets said it was probably just a fatty tumor, definitely benign as otherwise he would have died a while ago, and so we just let it be.

About a year ago, it started growing, like really fast. Because it was right under his eye (the skin around the growth is part of his eyelid), surgery would be too dangerous unless he was already on death’s door, and he seemed fine otherwise, so the vet advised us to just leave it. Then a couple of months ago, the skin started breaking and bleeding really easily, and this weird growing scab appeared on the front of the growth: the vet told us the tumor had broken through the skin and was now growing outward, and each time the skin broke, more was exposed. Still, nothing to be done except give him pain meds and try to minimize falls and bleeding. Even Nico was starting to ignore him, like he was already a goner.

One week ago, Phichit fell out of the cage while we were getting ready for our wedding,and all around where the tumor had broken the skin, it started bleeding really seriously. Like, welling up so fast we couldn’t put any coagulant powder on at first, so much that he would shake his head and blood would splatter everywhere. We were worried we would have to cancel to take him to the vet but a lot of blood and panicking later, we got it to stop bleeding. We ended up deciding that the best thing to do was let him rest and if he passed while we were getting married, at least he wasn’t in pain anymore. But, he was still alive that night, and made it through the week, though clearly miserable. The weight of the growth and the way the tumor protruded was pulling his eyelid down so far he couldn’t close his eyes, he wasn’t moving much and only barely eating…we planned to take him in for surgery or euthanasia soon because it was clear his time was limited.

Then this morning, we opened his cage to check on him and…

The tumor FELL OUT.

I kid you not. No blood, except maybe one drop on a single claw, no sound, nothing, just a much-more-energetic bird with a hole in his face and a giant gross scabby thing on the bottom of the cage. It literally fell out of his face.

The vet was totally shocked, said he’d never seen anything like it, but after examining the bird, Phichit has been given a clean bill of health, some antibacterial healing ointment, and orders to make sure nothing gets into the hole while it heals over and to bring him back in next week.

My mother’s theory, which makes a lot of sense, is that when he fell last week, the bleeding was due to the tumor being broken off from the blood vessels, but the tumor also acted as a plug and kept enough pressure on that he didn’t bleed out, but the blood supply to the tumor was cut off still. Then it dried out and he probably scratched at it last night and it just…popped right out.

Our bird accidentally did surgery on himself.

So now yay, hopefully the anxious bean will begin to recover and be happy and healthy again! But wow, what a freak series of coincidences, right? Whew!!!

And now, warning….gross photos of the tumor and Phichit’s temporary face hole, as proof this weird-ass thing actually happened:

Look at how big that thing was!!! No wonder he’s already so much happier and more active! And he can close his eye again!! Such a relief!!!

I have been rejected by boy that I don’t want

I feel great, yet there is sadness. A hint,a whisper. He told me over text, and that is fine. But I wanted to do it in a different way. I wanted to pay for his food and tell him. And he would say he felt the same way, and then we would talk with honesty filling our mouths. We would get to know our minds better in ways we never could when romance was involved. By the end of the night, we would say our goodbyes and wish each other well.