#inner demons
Are you okay?
My mind screams no without thinking. Screams and shouts and yet, I push the loud thought back down, back where it belongs, in the depths of my brain where no one has to know about it. I nod, so people think I am just fine, just fine. I add a warm smile if I feel like it, just to make sure they believe me I am feeling alright.
Are you sure?
No, screams my brain again as I fight it, successfully so. No, screams my brain but my mouth just curls up again into a smile while I answer I am just fine. I feel my own words making it worse, the doubt of my acting, the fear of the questions that might follow, the panic I feel escaping gets worse.
Okay, but if you need to talk, I am here.
Are you? Are you sure you are not going to run at the first sight of what a dark twisted soul I posses? Are you sure, my demons do not frighten you? Because I am not. I would run if someone told me their mind is like a battlefield every second of their day on the good days, and worse than a true war zone, with explosions, shootings, bodies and blood on the bad ones. Are you sure, you will not run when you realise, the bubbly person you know is not even around most of the time? Are you sure it does not scare you that the girl that smiles so much, asks herself why even bother being happy. Are you sure you are here for me, here to listen to hours and hours of anxious thoughts of being broken and breaking down, of being torn apart by the force stronger than anything you had ever knew, of tears of fear when there is nothing to be afraid about, of pain, the worst kind of pain, the one that you have no idea what is causing it. Are you sure you are here for all of this?
I promise, I am here for you, always.
Even when I cannot hear you over the noise that my head creates out of boredom? The noise of people screaming, of cars speeding by, of loud alarms, of clicks of pens, of boiling kettles, of my own heart beating and every other little noise around me, and I am hearing it all at once. How can you promise to be here for me, when most of the time, the real me stays hidden from your eyes because God knows, hearing voices makes me crazy. Are you here for the girl who feels like her entire life is falling apart most of the time, the girl who feels in life threatening situations multiple times a day, even if she is just sitting in the safety of her room. Are you here for the girl who cries herself to sleep almost every night. Are you here for the girl that feels like her entire mind is slowly killing her, the girl who feels like there are knifes slowly being pushed through her bran, the girl who feels like her head is going to explode if all of it does not stop? Are you here for the girl who fights her demons all the time, even when she feels like giving up, letting go, going crazy, she still fights and fears one day she will lose the battle?
Or are you here for the girl that tells you she is just fine, the girl who smiles brighter than the sun and lets you think her life is pretty much close to perfect. Are you here for the girl who makes you laugh all the time, makes you believe she is the happiest girl in the entire world? Yes, that girl is still me, I can be that girl, but at the same time, I am her polar opposite and if you truly want to be here for me, you have to be here for both parts of me. The happy one is tired and letting go a little bit, I will try not to overwhelm you. I will still say I am fine, I just might skip the smile today.
I love you.
I know you do. I know even when the dark part of me says you will run away the second you experience the darkness. I know even when my entire brain makes me believe I trust you too much. I know even when every cell in my body says I will get hurt in the end because there is no one in this world that could love the darkest parts of me. I know, and I love you too.
With Chiron turning today direct in Aries we’re open to new possibilities in our healing process, able to access deep memories, rising from fragmentation into wholeness.
This is a moment where our agreement to go further matters, where we decide if we’re ready to descend into darkness, to accept what we’re going to find there; if we’re ready for metamorphosis and expansion.
The darkness is visibly fearful and hard to be discovered, it needs time, quietness, calmness to open to you the secrets, path, new territory.
Fear is a bandage on your eyes, a mechanism to hold you from reaching wholeness, it’s compartments, rooms, ideas, expectations.
Healing is about saying yes to the darkness, unknown, bringing light to the abandoned places, a calmness of warrior and openness of the child.
Intention.
You can.
Discover.
Wholeness.
Manifest completely new.
Sometimes we just gotta let out our inner demon
I love no man for the way he silence my demons, but for the way his demons dances with mine
In order to find yourself you have to lose yourself first.
October 25th featuring loneliness from one of my own stories I’m working on called Inner Demons! Will I ever get around to actually making it? Who knows!! Its a mystery even to me!
Wip - inktober 02 (tranquil)
Tranqulity to me is self love and battling my inner demons.
Waking Up in the Afternoon
Personal Post (apologies in advance)
It’s amazing how the older you get the more time seems to slip away from you. Maybe I need to change some things in my life but to be honest I’m not really happy right now. Life is miserable. The pandemic killed what little social life I did have. I have problems in my relationship that don’t seem to have a solution. I value him and my relationship above all else, yet there are things I need to sacrifice that mean sacrificing part of my own happiness. Maybe it’s selfish of me to not want to give up my happiness simply to be in a relationship. I’ve never met a man I love more than him and every day I’m with him I somehow learn to love him all over again. The time we spend together is the best time of my life and the memories we’ve made are ones I’ll cherish for the rest of time regardless. I’ve built this life that doesn’t feel fulfilling. I want to read and write more, that seems to help, but I can’t supplement all of my happiness in life. I know it’s on me to make the changes and do the work, but I’m afraid of what that will mean for the people in my life. I’ve been used and abused most of my life and I’ve finally created a space for myself where I feel comfortable in my own skin and with the people I surround myself with. I’m afraid that if I stand my ground or make some of these changes that I will lose some of those people around me and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to be alone again.
I hope that someday I can fight my inner demons.
