So I’m alittle overwhelmed with this pregnancy thing. My boyfriend still doesn’t want to keep the baby and I’ve been trying to look for resources to help me out. I don’t have health insurance so making my first appointment to check on my baby has become extremely frustrating. I’ve heard that there are programs for that, to help out with prenatal care, food stamps, free doctors visits, and free vitamims up until child birth but I can’t find ANYTHING! I… I feel like I’m suppose to have this baby but I’m so lost on what to do! I want to ask my parents for help but I know they’ll just ridicule me. Tell me I’m dumb for even wanting to keep my baby. I want to move out of moms house before I ask her for help, I know she’ll be upset at first but she’ll get over it and end up helping me. I just feel like I’m stuck right now. I feel like there’s nothing in my power that I can do! But I’ll pull through. I’ll find a way not only for me but for my child. Even if I have to pay for everything out of pocket I will! Well I just had to get that off my chest. If anyone who has seen has any advice please, please, please reach out to me.
How can you feel so lonely laying next to someone you love. How is your mind going 100 miles per second while they are sleeping so soundly. Have we come to our end? I hope not. My problem is whenever there is a problem I just think it’s the end of everything. I guess being in a past toxic relationship can do that to a person. I won’t make up excuses. I’ve grown so much since my ex (my longest relationship to date) and I broke up 2 years ago. But I still think about him sometimes. Why did we end again? 5 years is a long time to spend with someone. To put up with someone. My new boyfriend now was also in a 5 year long relationship. It literally took me a year and half to get over my ex. So how is he just over her like that? It doesn’t make sense to me. He loved her right? Is he just lying to himself. That’s besides the point. I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about her, or being her up again. That why I unfollowed her from my fake account on Instagram. Ahaha.. that’s embarrassing I know. I just wanted to keep tabs on her. For what reason? I don’t know.. maybe to be sure they weren’t speaking to each other. But how could I tell that just by a follow. Sometimes I think I dig so deep only because I like being hurt. Well it’s not that I enjoy being hurt. It’s just, fuck I don’t know! I’m a fucking weirdo. I guess I got so use to being hurt by my ex I just expect it from everyone. I just expect everyone to put me second. I expect someone to cheat on me. I expect not to be loved the way I love. I don’t think I’m fully healed. So why am I in a relationship were either of us have healed. I guess I expect us to heal together, to understand each other like no one else ever would. But that’s impossible. We barely know eat other and we argue once a week. He doesn’t think that we do but we do. We do. And our communication skills aren’t very great either. We’ve known each other for a year now maybe we should’ve stayed friends this whole year then grew into something more. But everything happens for a reason, I guess we’ll see. Night.
Okay quick rant today. Haha of course, of course it’s about.. guess who? That’s right! My boyfriend. I just realized that he still refers to his ex girlfriend as his girl. Even when he’s talking about her to someone else he’ll say “yeah bro I spilt with my girl”… what? Your girl what? She’s no longer yours sir. He’s always called her that when we were arguing in the car during that Buffalo Wild Wings incident. I don’t exactly remember what he said but he did call her his girl. I paused for a second and turned my head towards the window. My heart dropped, I’m your girl not her. I don’t think he noticed how hurt I was when he said. And I don’t understand why my dumb ass DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! Anyways, he either A. Still thinks he has ownership of her or B. He still loves her and misses her. My guess would be both. I feel like I always rush into relationships to quickly. But I always feel like I’m thinking to intensely about it. I mean the guy was in a relationship with this girl for 5 and half years and only a few months (more like 3) after they broke I became his girlfriend. But then I think “hmm he still refers her as his girl but when he bring me up I’m his joint” (joint basically means someone you’re having sex with or something along those lines. It’s hard to simplify slang that you’ve become a custom too). Why is she still his girl and I’m jus joint. Why does her still call her that and why are all her conversations muted on both his phones. I want to check his other phone to see if he still talks to her on there. My guess is he does. For sure! I just want answers! Or this will drive me fucking CRAZY! I’m so sick of being second to everyone! I’m never first! I’m never anyone’s first choice! I’m always a rebound…. I’m not making myself upset writing this. Bye.
My boyfriend said I’m act like I don’t care. Do I really not care? Do I really give off this I dont give a fuck attitude. I don’t mean to. I don’t wanna be like me parents and hurt the people I love or am close too. I don’t ever want him to feel like I don’t care about him or our relationship. I care about his happiness, I care about his opinions, everything he says. I just don’t want him to get bored of me or leave me. I want to be everything he wants and needs. I know I’m not his first love but I want to be the love of his life. I want him forever. I wanna experience the world with him. I wanna grow old with him. Please don’t hate me baby.
