oh do excuse me, i have been overcome with an inescapable bout of yearning

I just have to hope theres something after this, that theres something better than everything leading up to this point because theres no way that this pain and this heartache is all there is

It has to be worth it..

Its tragic isnt it?

Feeling so alone in a world this full of people? 7.5 billion other souls on this planet and it feels like you are going through it all alone.

I hate that I’m always so alone, especially on nights like this where my depression gets the best of me and suddenly I realize how alone I am. I dont have anyone to turn to when this happens, I don’t have people who are actually there for me. No one ever knows what to do and I just feel like even more of a burden. I feel like a burden all the time and I dont know how to reach out to people when I feel like the world is coming down around me and it feels like the only thing that will make it stop is just to stop existing. I dont want to feel alone. I just want to be able to connect to other people without feeling like theres something wrong with me, like I’m broken.

My mental health has never been worse and I’m crying alone at 2am bc I don’t have people there for me and I don’t know how to change that.

Tonight is one of those nights where my chest feels heavy and I cant stop crying and I really just want someone to talk to.

I’m so tired of feeling so alone..

August 9, 2020

Okay quick rant today. Haha of course, of course it’s about.. guess who? That’s right! My boyfriend. I just realized that he still refers to his ex girlfriend as his girl. Even when he’s talking about her to someone else he’ll say “yeah bro I spilt with my girl”… what? Your girl what? She’s no longer yours sir. He’s always called her that when we were arguing in the car during that Buffalo Wild Wings incident. I don’t exactly remember what he said but he did call her his girl. I paused for a second and turned my head towards the window. My heart dropped, I’m your girl not her. I don’t think he noticed how hurt I was when he said. And I don’t understand why my dumb ass DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! Anyways, he either A. Still thinks he has ownership of her or B. He still loves her and misses her. My guess would be both. I feel like I always rush into relationships to quickly. But I always feel like I’m thinking to intensely about it. I mean the guy was in a relationship with this girl for 5 and half years and only a few months (more like 3) after they broke I became his girlfriend. But then I think “hmm he still refers her as his girl but when he bring me up I’m his joint” (joint basically means someone you’re having sex with or something along those lines. It’s hard to simplify slang that you’ve become a custom too). Why is she still his girl and I’m jus joint. Why does her still call her that and why are all her conversations muted on both his phones. I want to check his other phone to see if he still talks to her on there. My guess is he does. For sure! I just want answers! Or this will drive me fucking CRAZY! I’m so sick of being second to everyone! I’m never first! I’m never anyone’s first choice! I’m always a rebound…. I’m not making myself upset writing this. Bye.