I have lost so many years to sadness and misery. I lost so many good opportunities because I was hiding. Hiding in the dark, hiding behind self created illusions. I am done. I dont want to waste my youth anymore. I am done waiting for something to happen. I AM DONE

Today my mother asked me where it went wrong. It hurt. It hurt to realise what she really thinks of me. That secretly she wishes I was normal. And suddently I knew it was not okay to be the way I am. She is the only person in the whole fucking world who’s opinion matters to me and she’s disappointed. I can’t forgive myself for that

Y'all are being pathetic for not appreaciating me enough

Treat me like the goddess that I am or leave

Bounce bounce

August 9, 2020

Okay quick rant today. Haha of course, of course it’s about.. guess who? That’s right! My boyfriend. I just realized that he still refers to his ex girlfriend as his girl. Even when he’s talking about her to someone else he’ll say “yeah bro I spilt with my girl”… what? Your girl what? She’s no longer yours sir. He’s always called her that when we were arguing in the car during that Buffalo Wild Wings incident. I don’t exactly remember what he said but he did call her his girl. I paused for a second and turned my head towards the window. My heart dropped, I’m your girl not her. I don’t think he noticed how hurt I was when he said. And I don’t understand why my dumb ass DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! Anyways, he either A. Still thinks he has ownership of her or B. He still loves her and misses her. My guess would be both. I feel like I always rush into relationships to quickly. But I always feel like I’m thinking to intensely about it. I mean the guy was in a relationship with this girl for 5 and half years and only a few months (more like 3) after they broke I became his girlfriend. But then I think “hmm he still refers her as his girl but when he bring me up I’m his joint” (joint basically means someone you’re having sex with or something along those lines. It’s hard to simplify slang that you’ve become a custom too). Why is she still his girl and I’m jus joint. Why does her still call her that and why are all her conversations muted on both his phones. I want to check his other phone to see if he still talks to her on there. My guess is he does. For sure! I just want answers! Or this will drive me fucking CRAZY! I’m so sick of being second to everyone! I’m never first! I’m never anyone’s first choice! I’m always a rebound…. I’m not making myself upset writing this. Bye.

I just want to be loved