#obi wan angst
Solar flare,
don’t you dare
burn
our house
down.
Time can only
heal the entry wound of the
poison barb
you left inside me:
rotting love,
festering longing -
purple toxin living in my
blood.
Your hand in
my hand,
but
time struck and
you stumbled —
down,
down,
down —
oh,
were our shattered knees
and
scraped hands,
blood-tinged teeth —
were they worth it?
(Was it worth it to
clasp
our hands
so tightly that
one circle, two —
rings of fire,
surrounding us both
forever?)
My once known shadow,
but my forever estranged enemy,
held me so tenderly when I gave him what he longed for:
goodbye.
You love that little blade:
cradle it’s handle oh so gently.
Sing it soft songs to sleep.
Warm it’s metal with your rest laden body.
You love that little blade -
even when it cuts.
Have you ever loved in scales?
Perfect balance?
Perfect symmetry?
Each step mirrored -
where one goes, the other
follows?
The smallest shift in weight can
jar the balance -
a breath,
a kiss,
a tear,
a moment.
A clang as joints disband.
A crash to the floor as you
spin out of orbit.
It will never be the same.
You will never be the same.
But -
But,
once,
you were lucky enough to
love
in scales.
Once,
you were whole and
perfect.
Oh,
sweet memory,
the icy blade between my
bones.
Oh, sweet love,
the ailment lingering in my
blood.
Oh, sweet agony,
burning through my
lungs.
Oh, sweet lover,
lost from me
forever.
Oh, sweet sadness:
eternal companion and
penance.
And he saved you from
disaster and ruin,
your beautiful fire-starting boy.
The flames he lets lick your
salt-soaked remains
don’t change that.
Many times,
he saved you.
Many times.
(It only takes once for
destruction
to lay waste.)
(It only takes
forever for a
heart to break.)
Carved your name into my
cold bones
and was stunned when you showed yours:
pristine.
One word,
never uttered,
forever lingering in my mouth
and
burning eyes.
One word I wished I had the courage to say:
Stay.
I opened my arms to comfort you
and
you went for my throat with a snarl.
Monsters need love, too
(but only on their terms).
I’m so tired of this
heartache
wrapped in
barb wired love.
Darling,
you are an
axe hammer
and, I -
a sheathed blade.
Do not forget:
we are both weapons.
(I know how to cut, too.)
And I am begging:
Don’t do this to him
(Don’t do this to yourself).
His end is not just his own.
Land of two setting suns.
Drink my daydreams of
us
from my
shivering
belly button.
Let me clasp my hands around you and
hold your
venomous maw
against my womb.
Beloved betrayer.
Erstwhile naysayer.
Dearest love,
I am
devoted
to you and your
damnation.
That poison from that cracked rock -
I drank it, too.
I drank it, too.
Lick the salt from my eyes
and
kiss the copper from my lips -
embrace me one last time,
beloved.
Sup on my sorrow and
drink me dry.
I would let you
bury your dagger
of
deceit and accusations,
as long as you did it
while
you held me
one
last
time.
You cannot save a dying star
(no matter how much you love it).
I’m still surprised
whenever I exhale and
there’s
no frost.
This beloved ice inside of me:
endless devotion to a
heartache
that’ll
never stray.
A snow angel in moonlight.
Do you remember how I loved you most?
I remember you.
Beloved boy,
my hands are shaking
and
the familiar tears are in my eyes once more.
I love you
but
I must be kind to myself, too,
so I close my shaking palms
(forever empty)
and blink my
forever wet eyes.
Beloved boy:
beloved heartbreak.
I love you most of all.
Beloved boy turned to broken man,
who held his heart like glass in his hands.
Give it to me.
Give it to me and dry your eyes.
My scarred palms know this task well.
Cruelty held in my mouth,
I shape your name so
sweetly
with my lips:
absolutions.
An open circle
of
salt and fire -
never complete.
I wandered into your
haunted house
and you made me put on
a ghost’s clothes and smile.
And,
for a moment,
the joy in your eyes was enough
(I was enough)
before it turned into
rage,
hurt,
longing.
My poltergeist boy,
with betrayal in your bones,
I love you.
Let specters dance between us -
for they can’t dry any tears.
Bury me in this
wailing graveyard
beside you.
Bury me holding you close.
My whole world and my
whole goddamn heart break:
beloved berserker
in my porcelain
hands.
The brightest star I orbited
fell out of the sky
and
crashed into me.
And it was the
loveliest pain
staring into your shine.
It was the loveliest pain
until
the inevitable destruction.
Sunlight and
fire.
Dewdrops and
tears.
Today is your birthday.
At first:
Joy, excitement,
love.
Then:
Bitter memories,
grief, pain, and
still
love.
Across the universe,
the tide of you sweeps in and
destroys
my sandcastle court
once again.
The pounding riptide
inevitability of
sorrow.
Today is your birthday.
Darling,
your
love and devotion
is worth more than a
collar
around your neck.
One day,
beloved,
you will learn that
love
doesn’t have to taste of
sacrifice,
longing,
and
pain.
One day,
beloved,
you will be enough.
I loved you in all the ways that mattered:
The clasp of my hand when it lifted yours;
The curl of my lips to hide a shared joke;
My ever present self at your back.
I love you
But
You don’t believe me
As
Those words can never cross my lips.
Dear one,
The vow I’ve never had the courage to say,
Burns eternal -
Eating up the last one I ever said aloud.
Don’t leave me.
I am too weak for goodbyes.
I do not know who I am
Without you
Beside me.
I never told you but
I kept a small box
of keepsakes from moments
I treasured.
When the dust cleared and the box was
returned to me,
I opened that box and saw
all the pieces I saved of you.
Every memento I kept
was a glowing reminder of
my love for you.
I buried them in the sand -
all those bits of happiness -
tilted my head down and
watered them with my
tears.
Let them blossom in the
heart of the dessert
and let me
burn
under your unforgiving wrath.
(“I still love you,”
is the secret
that blooms between them.)
I cried.
Later on with just the
moon and stars to watch me
(the same stars we cradled each other through fire and hurt)
I cried -
for me,
for us,
and,
most of all,
for You.
You,
who are what I made you to be.
(Everything but
mine.)
Hurt me one last time,
Beloved.
Just say my name when you
let me go.
Your paper-dry hands,
still the warmest I’ve ever held,
that last time.
I still love you.