I think a lot of sex-negative people fell victim to an either incomplete or corporate-corrupted version of the movement (i.e. OnlyFans’ advertising.)
Like, some would say that the sex positivity movement made them have sex before they were ready. But “sex positivity” doesn’t mean “YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX ASAP” as much as corporations and bad actors may tell you, it’s about being able to choose. Destigmatizing sex is a goal that has largely been achieved but we were in a different place at the beginning of the decade. One goal left unachieved is better sexual education, and any good sex education should emphasize that you have sex when you’re ready, not when your partner is.
I would argue that destigmatizing sex has not been achieved, tbh.
We were definitely on that track for several years, but the backlash to sexual destigmatization, combined with the political benefits that sex stigma affords to the conservative movements that have overtaken western politics in the last 7 years, have thoroughly derailed it.
I’m constantly seeing, for a minor example, adult women stressing themselves to death over their favourite outfits being “too slutty” now, in a way that simply did not happen a decade ago, but did happen in the 2000s all the time.
And when was the last time any of us saw a topless slut walk, pushing back against the idea that women’s sexuality is “for” other people instead of themselves?
Likewise, the sexual expression of marginalized people has become a topic of extreme public scrutiny. People are going around claiming that queer pride parades are effectively rape orgies, because some queer men wear a type of vest they don’t like.
The only people for whom sexual stigma has been lessened are those whose sexuality can be exploited for profit. That would be why things like W.A.P. can be the song of a year: they are saleable.
Meanwhile, if a gay man mentions that he has a husband–not even that he has sex with his husband, but just that he has one–there are swathes of the western world where that is being rebranded as a sex crime targetting children!
The destigmatization of sex, in my opinion, was almost entirely co-opted by corporate entities to extract profit, while condemning real people’s sexuality to the bin of “filth.”
Corpos really said, “Sex for me, but not for thee.”
And as a side effect of capitalist appropriation of the sex positive movement, actual goals of the movement have largely floundered. The average person still has as many hang ups about their own sexual desires (or lack there of) as they did in 2002, and probably more than they did in 2012. Sex education has stopped expanding, and in some places has begun to recede back towards more conservative (and more dangerous) models of ignorance and abstinence.
Most damning of all, though, is the way the entire concept of “consent” has been watered down in the public consciousness.
We have people constantly screaming “I don’t consent to you existing in public,” while simultaneously arguing that consent is not a meaningful or necessary part of sexuality, medicine, and so forth.
I do agree, however, that the sex positivity movement was generally not responsible for leading people to have sex before they were ready.
That falls almost entirely on the way corporate actors turned sex into something that only celebrities were allowed to have. This, combined with little to no sex education leaving young people ignorant about what sex actually is, made Intense Public Sexuality especially desirable yet dangerous for young people to imitate.
If you’re new to dating/having sex with trans people, it’s incredibly important to be respectful when referring to trans people’s bodies as, for a lot of trans people, their bodies will be a huge area of dysphoria. Here are some tips.
Not everyone gets dysphoria about everything, all the time: in particular, if someone tells you they’re trans it doesn’t necessarily mean they are striving to have bottom surgery (genital surgery) and to assume so can be very upsetting because there are a number of complex reasons why someone might not get/might not want to get bottom surgery. Genitals aren’t the base reason we are trans.
When talking about a trans person’s body, don’t use “female” and “male” to refer to their sexual organs. It works when labelling plants, but for people it’s best to steer clear of these.
Terms like “afab”/“amab”/“ftm”/“mtf” can be upsetting to a lot of trans people. So always find out what someone prefer to use for themselves and if you’re unsure - consider if you even need to mention it??
Let your partner take the lead at conversation when it comes to body parts. As trans people we are all too used to being made to feel like freak shows or research projects. If you let your partner know they can trust you and be open with you, if they want to have sex with you they will let you know what you can/can’t touch and the preferred terms they use for body parts.
Don’t be surprised if a trans person finds it a turn-on for you to use gender-affirming language in regards to sex. We are not fetishing being trans. This is especially relevant to trans people who do not pass as often people think this is the case. In reality, often the comfort of knowing someone respects us is the turn on. And consider that even cis guys will get turned on by someone talking about their hard cock, that if you use that language for a trans person it’s reasonable to expect the same response if that’s how they identify their genitalia.
it would be a real buzz kill to stop your partner right in the middle of it tho, if you cant handle it all the way at least help them to finish off as well, you should be nice and care for their needs as well as yours right? c:
Hi, that’s a problematic thing to say.
To stop because you’re uncomfortable during sex isn’t being a “buzz kill.”
If you’re uncomfortable to the point of wanting sex to stop, that doesn’t mean you have an obligation to “finish” your partner. Never.
It means you stop. Period.
The only “obligation” you have in the bedroom is to act consensual and with respect.
If you’re new to dating/having sex with trans people, it’s incredibly important to be respectful when referring to trans people’s bodies as, for a lot of trans people, their bodies will be a huge area of dysphoria. Here are some tips.
Not everyone gets dysphoria about everything, all the time: in particular, if someone tells you they’re trans it doesn’t necessarily mean they are striving to have bottom surgery (genital surgery) and to assume so can be very upsetting because there are a number of complex reasons why someone might not get/might not want to get bottom surgery. Genitals aren’t the base reason we are trans.
When talking about a trans person’s body, don’t use “female” and “male” to refer to their sexual organs. It works when labelling plants, but for people it’s best to steer clear of these.
Terms like “afab”/“amab”/“ftm”/“mtf” can be upsetting to a lot of trans people. So always find out what someone prefer to use for themselves and if you’re unsure - consider if you even need to mention it??
Let your partner take the lead at conversation when it comes to body parts. As trans people we are all too used to being made to feel like freak shows or research projects. If you let your partner know they can trust you and be open with you, if they want to have sex with you they will let you know what you can/can’t touch and the preferred terms they use for body parts.
Don’t be surprised if a trans person finds it a turn-on for you to use gender-affirming language in regards to sex. We are not fetishing being trans. This is especially relevant to trans people who do not pass as often people think this is the case. In reality, often the comfort of knowing someone respects us is the turn on. And consider that even cis guys will get turned on by someone talking about their hard cock, that if you use that language for a trans person it’s reasonable to expect the same response if that’s how they identify their genitalia.
I am a firm believer that consent education starting from a young age could directly lessen the amounts of rapes and sexual assaults.
We teach people not to rape. At least we say we do… We say “don’t rape” and then the media tells them that a rapist is a scary man jumping from the bushes.
We don’t teach people to get consent. That consent isn’t the absence of a no but the presence of an enthusiastic and informed yes.
You can ask someone if they raped someone and they’ll say no. But ask them if they got consent? They also will say no.
And it’s the same damn thing.
So, being the parent of a youngish kid, I think about this a lot.
His natural tendency is to completely override my boundaries. I started working on this by not letting him twiddle the other damn nipple while he was nursing. People who’ve breastfed know what I mean here. This is normal baby behavior across mammalian species–they root, kneed, pound, pinch, twiddle, twist and we put up with it for a while because it helps the feeding go faster and then when it hits a certain point, it’s too much and tigers actually start cuffing their young away from the tit because they are So Done with the damn claws.
Being a human who doesn’t like hitting, I put barriers in the way that made it very hard for him to do that, but eventually we had to have Talks about Bodily Autonomy. It took a while for him to stop, but he did, eventually stop.
Now, the lesson comes from tickling. I don’t just grab him and tickle him. I say, “Can I tickle you?”
And he will say, “Yes!” and then I tickle him and when he says “Stop!” I stop right away because this IS NOT about tickling him, it’s about teaching him that he has control over what happens to his body and that people will stop when he sets limits. And if he says, “No!” I say, “Okay.”
And sometimes he says stop, and then a few minutes later he says, “Tickle me now!”
We’re working on interrupting, too, because that’s super duper important to being respectful. He is learning to put a hand on my forearm when he wants to get a word in (at my request) rather than speaking over or demanding my attention when I’m in the middle of talking to someone else. Hand on my arm means that as soon as I find a natural pause in the conversation, I’ll say, “Okay, kiddo, your turn, what’s up?”
It’s just a process, one step at a time, tackling each part of it. The goal is to raise a child who feels 100% comfortable setting boundaries about their own body, without overrunning other people’s. He’s five, so we’re not talking about much in the way of complex dynamics like dating or whatnot, but he’s starting to ask questions about babies and he gets the answers he needs to the questions he asks. (I don’t have to explain sex to a five year old to answer the question, “Did I come out your mouth when I lived in your tummy?” I figure I’ve got a year before he does what my eldest did and says, “I know how the baby grows in the tummy and the umbilical cord and placenta and how it gets born and all that, but how does it get IN there?”
This is all sex and consent ed. It started when he was a year and a half old, stopping him from pinching my damn nipples (most babies try to do this as soon as they have the motor coordination to do so). And stopping him from sticking his hand down my shirt when he was 4 and no longer nursing. And walking away when he tried to hit me, and insisting that he knock on the frigging bathroom door rather than bursting in like the goddamn Kool Aid man when I’m shitting. (I have less hope on this one, my 12 year old still does it.)
It’s not letting it slide if he spouts up that boys are better than girls because some wee little asshole said so in kindergarten. (Seriously, I question wtf they are being taught at home.) It’s teaching him that if he sees injustice, it’s important to speak up.
And it’s NOT easy. Five year olds are walking entitlement sponges. Like, no, kid, you don’t get literally everything just because you want it. That’s not how any of this works. But you can see things start to sink in, because I think people want to feel like they’re doing the right thing, and so yeah, he is paying attention.
And I’m trying to set up a dynamic where he feels safe telling me anything. You know how parents talk about getting one word answers about how school was? I get BOOKS worth of narrative from this kid.
It is not fast, it is not instant, and it requires daily work on the ideas of bodily autonomy. And the first step in teaching him about consent is teaching him how it feels to have control over what happens to his body. One day he lets me tickle him, another day he doesn’t, and I don’t make a stink or try to persuade him either way. It’s amazing… kids actually like being tickled if they have CONTROL. Violate that control once, and you’re done forever.
“how to be a mommy, by @Jenroses” is a book I would recommend once Jenrose gets around to writing it. :)
There’s a damn fine book out there by AK Press about this very subject, if anyone’s interested. It’s also half off rn.
Almost every night, I ask my daughter if I can kiss her good night, and she almost always says no. I always respect her choice.
Last night I asked my son, and he said, “no good night hug. Good night fist bump.” So that’s what we did.
My daughter was super iffy about some of the characters at Disney world this past week. We always assured her that it was her choice about whether she wanted to go hug a character or not.
This! My experiences raising my son are similar to those presented. Teaching bodily autonomy early works!
To start, please note that these might also be relevant to cis women who use strap-ons and I don’t intend for this advice to be exclusionary and anybody can take it and use it. But due to this being a trans guy sex advice blog I will be using language to direct it at trans guys and trans masculine people.
A few bits of advice for people starting out with strap-ons (particularly those with no t-growth)
If using a harness, keep it tight. You’ll lose control if it loosens so don’t be afraid to check the straps as you go. Your partner probably won’t even notice.
Depending on your body shape, try different angles for the strap-on itself. Try out the strap-on solo to see how it fits you and get used to it to gain confidence before introducing it to a partner.
Some guys need more mental stimulation to compliment the physical sensations. It’s a good idea to communicate with your partner before and during sex.
If you are finding a lack of sensation (i.e. rubbing), consider using a tingling/cooling/warming lube on your clit/t-dick/growth to increase what you can feel.
If you’re a larger guy or have a bit of fat on your pelvic area sometimes this can get pushed down over your clit/t-dick/growth and reduce sensation, it can be a good idea to pull it up and tighten your harness if this happens.
Remember that regardless of the dildo size your own dick will be smaller so don’t stick with big movements that work best for a big dick. Often smaller movements have more affect for a smaller dick. Find out what works for your body.
Also try to keep movements smaller (and harder if you both like), because it’s easy to slip out.
If using a strap-on for anal - go crazy with lube! Most toys are made of silicone or other materials that are smoother and easier to insert than flesh penises but they still need a lot of lubrication to ensure a good fun time.
Discuss areas of dysphoria with your partner. Do you want them to talk about the strap-on as though it is your penis? Do you want them to touch/avoid other parts of your body when you are topping? What affirming language would you like them to use?
Be clear on hygiene. Wash your penis every time you have sex. It’s a good idea to keep wipes handy to give it a quick wash before after-sex cuddles, but give it a proper wash according to instructions later (or email the supplier for advice). Especially if using toys for anal use and doubly so if you are using the same toy for anal and vaginal sex.
Consider condoms to ease cleaning or, again, if using a toy for both anal and vaginal sex consider using condoms for one of them because you don’t want them butt germs getting in a vagina it’s not fun. Condoms with special traits such as ribs/dots or warming/tingling lube are also great.
ABOVE ALL - always try to be as open with your partner as you can about your desires and your needs. If they aren’t willing to listen then I’m willing to bet that it’s not worth having sex with them.
ALSO - sexual interest change. Just because you liked/didn’t like something at some point doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Keeping communication open with your partner means you can try and retry things as you both feel comfortable.
And AS ALWAYS - don’t let anybody tell you how you “should” have sex. Some trans guys top, some bottom, some are verse. Some receive anal or give anal, some don’t like it. Don’t feel as though just because you’re transgender that you have to fulfill any role sexually that you are not comfortable with. Don’t let anybody tell you you are any less trans/gay/straight because of how you have sex. You do you folks.
We all know what erectile dysfunction is but literally no one is ever taught what vaginismus is and it can cause people to feel extremely lost, broken, and cause people to take their own lives.
Raise. Awareness.
For the uninformed, vaginismus is when the vagina painfully tightens and spasms when faced with pressure, usually from anything trying to insert into the vagina. It’s the reason I can’t wear tampons, and why many people can’t have vaginal sex without severe pain.
There’s not a lot of treatments, and there isn’t a single one that is for vaginismus exclusively - they’re all medications or treatments to treat symptoms, but not the causes. In fact, for a long time doctors waved off vaginismus as a purely psychological disorder in cis women.
Seriously, this is so unaddressed and uncared for in medical circles. Please spread awareness, even if all it’s for is to let those who have it but don’t have a name for it finally be able to understand what’s happening to their bodies.
If you’re new to dating/having sex with trans people, it’s incredibly important to be respectful when referring to trans people’s bodies as, for a lot of trans people, their bodies will be a huge area of dysphoria. Here are some tips.
Not everyone gets dysphoria about everything, all the time: in particular, if someone tells you they’re trans it doesn’t necessarily mean they are striving to have bottom surgery (genital surgery) and to assume so can be very upsetting because there are a number of complex reasons why someone might not get/might not want to get bottom surgery. Genitals aren’t the base reason we are trans.
When talking about a trans person’s body, don’t use “female” and “male” to refer to their sexual organs. It works when labelling plants, but for people it’s best to steer clear of these.
Terms like “afab”/“amab”/“ftm”/“mtf” can be upsetting to a lot of trans people. So always find out what someone prefer to use for themselves and if you’re unsure - consider if you even need to mention it??
Let your partner take the lead at conversation when it comes to body parts. As trans people we are all too used to being made to feel like freak shows or research projects. If you let your partner know they can trust you and be open with you, if they want to have sex with you they will let you know what you can/can’t touch and the preferred terms they use for body parts.
Don’t be surprised if a trans person finds it a turn-on for you to use gender-affirming language in regards to sex. We are not fetishing being trans. This is especially relevant to trans people who do not pass as often people think this is the case. In reality, often the comfort of knowing someone respects us is the turn on. And consider that even cis guys will get turned on by someone talking about their hard cock, that if you use that language for a trans person it’s reasonable to expect the same response if that’s how they identify their genitalia.
There’s this activity in Adult OWL I’m scrapping. It’s a guided imagery meditation type thing where we have them go through situations imagining that heterosexuals are the oppressed group
1. it assumes all of our students are straight and
2. I kind of hate the whole “i can only empathize if I imagine how it’d be if I were oppressed”
What are some good videos that hit the emotions that can help people understand being LGBT+?
The third map is really freaking me out. “Don’t have to be medically accurate.” WHAT.
This explains the shit sex education I received. So glad my mother taught me a lot of important, medically accurate things. -C
Okay so people have a lot of shit to say about Iowa a lot of the time and I feel like people have this general idea that we’re kind of backwards and ignorant. But look at this. Iowa is not included in any of those maps. I received EXCELLENT sex ed through public schools in Iowa, starting with basic information about puberty, etc. in fourth grade. I’ve had good and bad teachers in the subject, just like any other subject, but overall, it’s soooo much better than abstinence only sex ed or none at all. And honestly, if a state like Iowa, which is heavily rural and fairly religious can have good, accurate, age-appropriate, and informative sex ed, then I see NO reason why even liberal states are still not providing this for their students. (We were also the fourth state in the nation to legalize gay marriage just sayin’)
FUCK YEAH. Comprehensive sex ed ftw. I did my sex ed over the course of several school systems(I was raised active-duty army) and I would say my experience was similar, mostly. I was quite lucky. -C
Up until now, reproductive science has been steered by a male-dominant perspective, which explains why the narrative of reproduction has historically adopted patriarchal terms. But now this new science “undercuts the dominant, founding myths of Western culture — that men are active and women are passive, that men seek and find and women wait and choose. There is an interaction between the two.”
They have a disabled section with stuff for chronic pain. There was a link about navigating consent with non-verbal partners. This is an awesome resource, I’ve never felt so included.
Here’s a rundown of their general policy, from literally the first article I clicked on just now:
As you might be getting from that, they’re pretty intersex inclusive, too. Here’s a sample of something that’s a little more directly about sex-specific stuff in case you’re thinking “well but they said that was just about pleasure tho”:
They have a lot of sections on their site, but number two is Gender:
“That’s probably just like hetero gender dynamics stuff tho…” Nay nay! Here’s a few of the articles from the first page of their “Gender” section:
Scarleteen was a huge help to me as a trans person. They have a live chat that has sex-ed type folks giving real-time answers, and even just the staff+volunteers who happened to be attending to the live chat were able to help me with weird niche trans problems - a decade ago, when trans people, it seemed, damn near didn’t exist. They are EFFING AWESOME and want to help you!!!!
Not even joking, y'all, Scarleteen is an amazing resource that deserves attention and (if you’ve got the cash for it) donations so they can keep providing thorough education about sex, consent, relationships, etc to folks of all ages who need it.
- Sex is fun, but not as important as movies/tv make it seem.
- Sex is fun, diseases are not. Use protection.
- Your virginity is not an on/off switch, you lose small bits and pieces of it as you try new things, there’s no need to rush into doing everything just to get rid of your virginity.
- Your virginity can be a cherished thing, or you can chose to ignore it, it’s really your call and no answer is “right.”
- Sex doesn’t need to be a solemn occasion. It’s a fun thing to do with someone you find awesome, feel free to treat it as such.
- It’s okay to not like a sexual act, even if it’s one “everyone does.” If you don’t like it, no one has the right to make you do it.
- Farting during sex is not as horrendous as you initially think, pretend you didn’t notice and your partner will likely do the same.
- You are GUARANTEED to make at least one stupid sound/face during your sex life, but the reality is no one cares if you got a little derpy while having fun.
- PORN IS NOT EDUCATIONAL! Porn is sex that looks good on film, not that goes well in the bedroom. Be exploratory, gentle and request feedback from your partner until you know how rough they personally like it. Do not start out on “jackhammer” mode.
