#excerpts from my journal

There were no flowers left. No card to display. There was no breakfast in bed. No celebration. There were no words said. Instead, the children went on with their day - laughed & played amongst those who raised them. But, the one they wanted most never made it home to greet them..

In the midst of trying to love myself, am I trying to love someone else? I tried this before and it didn’t work out. Should I do it, again? I’ve picked up majority of my shattered pieces. With a little bit of super glue, I’ve managed to put this heart of mine back together. It’s not perfect nor does it look like the norm but, it works and functions as purposed. No strings attached, it hasn’t been sown to my sleeve or unraveled by anybody. However, it’s chambers are still full and being cleaned every moment. I know it’s alot to consider and even more complicated to ponder but, I have to find an answer before I die of fear or embarrassment. Will hurt win and triumph over me with it’s scornful gloats? Or, is it possibly for me to sanely indulge in the life of others in pure joyful bliss while accepting new love through a dream of life’s best? This is the question left existing in me…

Perhaps they were right in putting love into books.

Perhaps it could not live anywhere else.

-William Faulkner

“I’ll be watching over you from here…”

You know what I hate the most?

I hate you for always being there for her as much as I want you to be with me. I hate the way you look onto her, the way you hold her because for a moment, I felt like she was holding my universe. I hate it when you always have to leave me just because you will need to fetch her and ask her out. I hate the fact that even when you left me, I am still a fool waiting for you to return. I hate it when you ask me about what she likes, about the things that make her uncomfortable, I hate it when you always pay attention to the things she love to do, while I am stuck here, seeing how persistent you are on waiting for her. I hate the smile you wear as her name flashes your screen. I hate the way you misses her. I hate the way you talk to her, I hate the way you bring her name on our conversation. I hate the way you tell me how much you love her and the things you are willing to risk for her. I hate it. I hate how dense you are. I hate the fact that after all these years, you never noticed me, but I am still clinging onto you. I hate the fact that I love you as much as you love her. I was here even before she came and I will probably be here if she decided to leave you one morning. The fact that I have to support your love for her and I can’t compete with her because she’s way better than me, slowly kills me.

I was waiting for you to look at me too, but maybe I will stay like this, loving you in silence.

—the danger of one sided love j.a

“Do you know what’s the most tragic, unfortunate and agonizing reality is?

What is it?

I want to tell you how I feel but it won’t make any difference to our differences.”

— memoirsofbilal (via Instagram)

“It’s been a year since we met for the first time and it feels as if it was yesterday. My hand was in your hand and your head was on my shoulder. I was embracing the birthmark on your hand and you were promising me ‘forever’. I remember I had always told you not to make promises you wouldn’t keep and ‘I want you, that’s it’, you would reply. You wanted me to crave you more than I wanted my books and I never stopped loving you ever since. It’s been a year and it feels as if it was yesterday when you were madly in love with me. Some nights, I forget that we had ever broken up and I hope I would get your text when I wake up next day.” by memoirsofbilal (via Instagram)

— Good morning, baby

“Can we meet once again, for the first time? Can you tell me again that you are falling for my eyes? Is there any chance of you promising me that you won’t break my heart and tell me that choosing you over everything is not a mistake that I’m about to make? Can you hold my hand and tell me you want to get engaged before you leave the town? Can you call me one more time because you want to listen to my voice? Can you tell me you’re missing me more than anything in your life? Can I come to meet you one more time and this time, like the last time you did — can you ask me to stay?” by memoirsofbilal (via Instagram)

— because I wanted to stay and you asked me leave

‌“and it was my birthday. I looked at my phone — waiting to see your name popping up in my notification, hoping that you’d be the first one to wish me. Before that night, I had no idea that an event could make so much of a difference — even though you told me the next day you didn’t forget, I had realised that I wasn’t as important as I thought I was — perhaps, that’s when I had lost you for the first time. Few days later, we had gotten into a fight — all I know is that it was my mistake but all it proved to me was that your ego meant more to you than the love you said you had in you. I assumed, that was it — I had broken your heart but you wrecked my soul when I found out that you’d been lying to me and I lost you one more time. On our last call — you said you love me but your actions recited a complete different story. I had lost all hope until tonight when I picked up my phone to dial your number and my heart refused because I no longer love you — I love the person I thought you were.” by memoirsofbilal (via Instagram)

— a very happy birthday

“Now I know what it means when they say, “I don’t know which is worse, being the one with a broken heart or being the person that breaks the heart.” Now I know it all — I have broken your heart and there’s no debate about it. No ‘what-ifs’, ‘buts’, ‘could’ve’ or ‘should’ve’ can fix it — you wanted me to be happy, turned out you made me the reason of your happiness. You tell me you’ve fallen in love with me; you wish you didn’t and I wish I could love you the way you love me, I wish I could love you the way you deserve to be loved but this heart of mine is shattered and I only wish I shouldn’t have let you touch its pieces. I don’t regret meeting you — I regret that I’m the reason behind your lost smile. I am disappointed that I was breaking your heart while you were trying to fix mine. Now I know what it means when they say, “there’s nothing sadder than meeting the right person at the wrong time.” Now I know it all.”

— memoirsofbilal (via Instagram)