Just some thoughts from today, inspired by my anxiety. I have this hyper awareness when i feel my life going through changes and it makes me terribly uneasy. I see what i can’t control, my own life, i can’t control the changes at all. This smacks me upside my head every five minutes and i feel sick the rest of the day - or sometimes, the rest of the week.  No one wants change when they have it made, no one wants to get older and face the real world. But this is life, and this is my life and i can’t control the natural progression of things. All i can do is take advantage of every moment the way i want to. Carpe Diem. 

We watch our lives go by and we know we can’t control the changes we go though. We can only keep focused on each moment. Save the nostalgia for the quiet times, for the times when you feel the most grateful to be alive. Remember those who changed you, keep mental snapshots of the smiles and the landscapes you’ve gazed upon. The beauty of this incredible world is right before you, growing and shifting perpetually. Be in awe and stay humble.
 
Love truly, and mean what you say when you do utter those words. Its only when you lose someone do you realize how much you really cared for them, so soak up every moment you are able to experience with the ones you love. Love madly and with your whole being. There’s nothing wrong with not always being successful in love, but don’t give up on it. Everyone will go through it. But those who stay loving are those who have the most love around them. Stay positive and keep peace. 

The Box

my coworker has been drunk calling me a few nights a week for 1+ hours each time to talk about work and i totally don’t mind at all!! but it gives me huge anxiety after the phone call!!! i hate it why can’t i be a normal!human!

‘It’s easy to feel alone when you’re the only person living your life… especially when that life is as unique as a TCK’s experience. But just remember: you have a global family who gets exactly the same feeling you do, and we’re here for you.’ #tck #blog

David C. Pollock maintains that there are five types of traditional TCKs: Foreign Service Kids, Military Brats, Corporate Brats, Missionary Kids, and Other. I’m… not really sure how ‘Other’ is traditional, but it’s nice to be included.

One thing I love about my identity is how it can be shared with people who have entirely different lives to mine. Everyone knows by now I’m a TCK because I…

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I think a lot of people think that once you go to the doctor and get meds for depression and anxiety then that’s it. Or that you cannot question or tell the doctor stuff. But you can. When I told my doctor that the meds in the past that I took made me feel numb, which in turn made me want to kill myself, then she took steps to help me feel better about other kinds of meds completely outside that family of drugs that I had taken previously.

The doctor-patient relationship is a two way street. Yes, the doctor knows things, but you have to be able to communicate what the issues you have are, and sometimes you might even have to convince them there’s a real problem. On the other hand, sometimes the match-up between doctors and patients aren’t that great so it can also be good to find a new doctor.

Once I felt I could trust the doctor after they explained that it was different, I decided to try to take this new antidepressant medication. Of which took a process of months to determine if I needed more, then we discussed introducing a new medicine along with the current one, which is still a process I’m going through now. These kinds of things aren’t set in stone, and you have to be able to be flexible and commutative. Doctors don’t know everything, and they certainly don’t know how you actually feel unless you tell them. It’s important to communicate your concerns and report side effects that make you feel uncomfortable. Meds aren’t supposed to make you feel numb. They aren’t designed for that. So once she told me this, I felt better about trying new ones.

Whatever the case, if you’re not ready to take meds then don’t. Just know that’s an option if you want to take it. I was unmedicated for many years due to my trauma as a teen of being forced to take meds that made me feel bad or worse than I had already felt. So, I totally get it. Just try to take care of yourself. If you know something is wrong or are struggling, try to seek out help. Whoever that is, just try. If you ever need a person to talk to, my door is always open.

Today my bipolar is winning. No motivation, couldn’t focus at work, couldn’t do work, having bad thoughts.

So my dumb self decided to look at the election news and it is still way too close for comfort two days out from Election Day. Can Spain take back California? Or can we go back to the Queen? America is not great. So many other countries have it way better. Trust me. I really don’t get the appeal for here. Like there are so many other places that are free and accept anyone. I don’t even consider myself lucky to live here. Constant anxiety of what our dumb ass current president will do next. Trying to not hate my older family for their skewed views on that Trump is great and he’s truly helped the economy, seriously I don’t know how they believe that. Even before pandemic. Like how can my parents support someone who is trying to take away insurance coverage for pre existing conditions, when their daughter has had severe asthma since she was a baby, can’t change that. Ugh

digital-medic:

OPwhat.is.mental.illness [Instagram]

Having chronic suicidal thoughts is hard. Really hard. And really scary. It’s one thing to get close to hurting yourself once, but some of us have to do it again and again. What if one time our will fails?

Despite it all, there IS a silver lining. I now know I can get through anything. I mean anything. I have survived my brain yelling at me to kill myself time and time again. I made it this far. There’s not a damn thing that can stop me.

I will endure pain, grief, panic, uncertainty as we all do. It’ll suck, as it always does. But I KNOW I’ll come out the other side. Because to me, nothing can be scarier than chronic intrusive suicidal thoughts. Life can’t throw anything at me that my brain hasn’t already tried to destroy me with.

I mean maybe I’m just like really well medicated for mood disorders rn but I am footloose and fancy free and ready to absolutely fuckin savor this life I fought so hard for.

moretrashyrpmemes:

Over my past years roleplaying I’ve put together a list of small things I occasionally need to remind myself of for whenever The Anxiety™ comes to town. Hope it can help y’all out as well!

This is not an expectation: Nobody expects anything from you, and you don’t owe anyone 1 thing. You are here for YOU and nobody else, anyone who says otherwise needs to be cut from your life bcos u don’t need that. snip snip.

Who said you had to be the best?: I find myself often trying to just be the BEST because I think it will stop me from being anxious, but it really just makes it worse. Focusing on only being the “best” takes the focus away from the fun of it.

You can’t please everyone: This goes for more than just roleplaying, but there is such a component in anxiety that makes this extremely difficult to accept. Take a deep breath and just say it until you hear it. It’s okay, people willget mad at you, you willhave bad interactions; such is life.

Icons/Promos/Art/Themes do not equal quality: I used to think I would never be quality until I had all those things, but really, it’s in the writing and interaction. I can list endless blogs that have beautiful graphics and resource, but the writing? I’ll pass.

Find your community: Probably one of the most important things I’ve learned. Surround yourself with bad people and you will have a bad time. Find the right people? Buddy I promise you’ll be having a ball.

Other people’s perception of you does not define you: Another really important thing I’ve learned. Every single person you meet will see you differently than the last, and it will alwaysnever be how you actually are. These people only see a screen and words, how can you expect them to see everything you are?

Everything is okay: And that’s it. Everything is fine. Your brain might be running itself all up but when it comes to the facts- you’re okay.

Your body talks to you. Any grief and sadness you’re holding on to, manifests itself as an illness on your body. It appears as stomach problems, skin problems, autoimmune disorders, migraines. Let it go so you can heal and be at peace.

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Whumptober Day 26!

Link to the Ao3:https://archiveofourown.org/works/34210837/chapters/86534524

Title: Adrift - Clark

Prompt: Alt. No. 15 - Anxiety

Word Count: 1798

Clark liked taking the ferry.

Not only was it the quickest way to travel between Metropolis and Gotham across the bay (besides flying, of course) but it also had a nice view of Stryker’s Island and the inside of the boat had the second-best seating Clark had ever come across in public transportation, only topped by the comfy padded bus seats on Route 8 through Metropolis. The crowd on the ferry was always just enough passengers to be considered ‘a lot’ but also polite and orderly in a way that didn’t make such a gathering uncomfortable, and the little booth benches on the boat’s second floor were the perfect spot for him to get a bit of work done during the forty-five minute trip. Lois was not as big a fan of the ferry as Clark was, but he chalked it up to the fact that she had lived near a coastline nearly her entire life whereas the Kansas farmboy still got excited at the cry of gulls and the smell of the ocean.

He had just finished covering a story in Gotham - something about a change in import regulations at the harbor and the effect they would have on shipping charges - and Clark managed to catch one of the last ferries home before they stopped for the night. It had rained a bit that morning, though now the stormclouds had descended and covered Hobb’s Bay in thick fog only abated by a very light sea breeze. Visibility would be down, the ferry captain announced over the PA as the boat left Gotham Harbor, but the radio towers and instruments were operating fine so they would only be a few minutes behind schedule due to reduced speed.

That was fine by Clark - it gave home more time to compile his notes from the interview in Gotham, and he had a snack that he always kept in his bag in case he got hungry. Even with the delay, it wasn’t going to take more than an hour to reach the Metropolis side, then maybe another half-hour by subway to get home around five-forty-five which gave him just enough time to break out the Korean dumplings and start a pot of rice before Lois got back from work. He knew that neither of them had any urgent projects, so maybe if they finished their respective articles before nine they could put on a movie…

Clark knew none of those domestic fantasies of a nice night at home with his girlfriend would come to fruition the moment he heard the soft clunk of what must have been one of the ferry’s propellers, followed by a significant decrease in the boat’s speed - it wasn’t hard to tell that something was wrong.

He considered himself to be a curious person, but unlike Lois, he wasn’t much of a snooper or eavesdropper. Much to both her and Chief’s displeasure, Clark typically preferred to wait until the whole story played out before he started asking questions, and by then he had already missed his chance at breaking the ‘breaking news’. Lois often urged him to take a more direct approach: if he saw something, he should say something. Now Clark could clearly see that the ferry was in a bit of trouble for some reason or other, and he knew that, of course, the quickest way to find out how or why it was in trouble would be to talk to the captain.

A bit reluctantly, Clark grabbed his bag and got up from his seat to seek out the wheelhouse, which wasn’t too hard. After rapping politely on the door and enquiring to the man who answered whether the captain was in, he was presented to an older man who looked genuinely tired with the whole situation and in need of a cigarette as he introduced himself as Captain Pokorny. The captain, after seeing Clark’s press pass, reluctantly gave him admittance into the wheelhouse where most of the ferry’s crew was currently gathered in discussion, and explained the situation.

A propellor - one that had been showing signs of wear-and-tear and was supposed to have been fixed in the last maintenance check-up - had somehow either jammed or broken off of the boat completely, leaving only one working engine that the captain was reluctant to complete the trip on in case it overheated from the strain, which was highly likely considering how old the boat was. In short: they were a little bit stuck.

There was no danger of the ferry sinking in Hobb’s Bay - that would require a leak of some sort, the captain explained - they were just unfortunately stranded and adrift in the open water until the Coast Guard could arrive to give them a tow back to harbor. There was, of course, the chance that the Gotham or Metropolis Harbor Police would show up first, but the general sentiment in the pilot house was that ‘those boys take as long crossing the Bay as it takes to drive damn around it’.

Clark dutifully recorded all of this information, writing it down for a potential story to turn in at the Daily Planet when he got the chance, and asked a few more questions about what the maintenance schedule was like, what sort of improvements the crew thought could be made to the ferry system, and how long before the Coast Guard was expected to arrive.

Having got his answers and what he considered to be a pretty solid basis for a human interest story, Clark thanked the captain and returned to his favorite seat on the ferry’s second floor to wait out the estimated hour or so until help arrived (the Coast Guard had been alerted and would be on their way soon, the radio officer had assured him, but were caught up with an incident involving some missing fishing boats further north).

Clark dutifully transferred his notes from the moleskine notebook he had taken to always carrying with him to the backup drive on his phone so that he could at least have both a physical and digital copy of his work - a skill taught to him by Lois, who was well-familiar with the importance of keeping backups and often kept up to five copies of her stories on various flashdrives, dropboxes, and in desperate times, even her own notebook (a dollar-store composition pad in the bottom of her emergency go-bag). And speaking of her, it occurred to Clark that he should probably let his girlfriend know that he would be a little bit late, except there was one issue: cell service in Hobb’s Bay was patchy at best and straight up non-existent on a normal day, so instead of giving Lois a call and getting the chance to hear her voice, he had to satisfy himself with a short, explanatory text that would hopefully go through sometime soon.

The funny thing was, he could resolve the whole situation all by himself if it weren’t for one tiny issue: Clark was on a boat packed with passengers, and there were just a few too many curious eyes around for the reporter to vanish and Superman appear without somebody noticing the change. No private corners to turn his cape, no hidden closets for him to conveniently step into - even the bathrooms were out of the question considering the ever-present line leading into them. In short, Clark was just a little bit stuck where he was.

He would not say that he had anxiety, he was far too level-headed for that. It was just that sometimes, if he was a bit stressed or under pressure or hadn’t eaten or slept in the past few days, he had the tiniest bit of trouble with keeping his thoughts from wandering to some… unpleasant scenarios.

The boat could sink. The weather could get worse. The Coast Guard or harbor police could get lost and never find them. Or if they were found, the rescuer wouldn’t be able to do anything. To put it plainly, there was the possibility that Clark wouldn’t get home that night simply because there were too many watchful eyes on a ferry in the middle of Hobb’s Bay.

It was a shout from the ferry’s upper deck that caught his attention and pulled him out of his unhealthy downspiral of anxious thoughts. Said shout was followed by many running steps, someone gasping and another praying under the breath as onlookers gathered on the floor above. Clark was obviously curious, and mounted the stairs with a group of passengers ascending to see what the commotion was about, and he was met with the sight of lightly-drizzling fog surrounding the boat, still uncomfortably thick but now punctuated by a sharp flash of color in the mist - a bright red cape drifting on the breeze nearby.

She spotted him immediately - of course she would, he’d have expected nothing less considering how overprotective she was - but made no sign that she recognized him besides a hint of a smile as she observed the gathering crowd, and a slight raising of the eyebrows in his direction as if to teasingly ask ‘what sort of fuck-up have you found yourself in now’.

The uncomfortable ball of ice that had been forming in his chest suddenly got a bit lighter at the sight of her, and Clark found himself almost sighing in relief. She was here, everything would be all right now, he didn’t have to worry anymore - but that wasn’t to say she couldn’t use his help. Clark gave her a quick summary of the situation in hushed tones, knowing that not even the crowd surrounding him would hear while she would pick up his voice with ease.

Once he had explained the issue, she gave him the slightest of nods in acknowledgement, her gaze sweeping the boat itself in a quick glance as she located the problem, assessed the ‘fuck-up’ she had come to rescue him from, and allowed herself to drift on the light breeze just close enough to the boat to ask to speak with the captain about giving them a tow.

The anxiety that had been settling uncomfortably in Clark’s stomach released its hold slightly, and a little more when the captain arrived and an arrangement was worked out between him and Superwoman over the issue of getting to harbor. A Coast Guard vessel was already en-route but it was agreed that the Kryptonian would be allowed to tow them across the rest of the Bay to Metropolis with the CG acting as backup in case something else broke. All in all, the ferry would only be delayed by about ninety minutes and have Clark back on dry land in less than that without having dented his enjoyment of taking the boat in the slightest.

i’m really out there performing the most complicated role of all which is hiding that i’m absolutely insane and not fit in any way to live in a society