Me, explaining why I don’t connect with people

I’m not a crazy flake, I just play one in real life.

this no friends thing not cute anymore :/

I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.I wanna die.

my friends simulator.

would you like to befriend someone with a mental illness: yes/no

you picked yes

would you like to be warned ahead of time of their symptoms yes/no

you picked yes

uh oh they’re showing symptoms what’s your next move

show them support and understanding/abandon them without warning

you chose abandon them without warning

congratulations your awful

My therapist when I try to bring in a whole bunch of distorted thinking and shit:

Me:

When my therapist says wise things I’m like:

Confirming appointments like

Me: *tries to compartmentalize my emotions*

My emotions:

When I say something really twisted and my therapist gives me That Look™

I’m like

Therapist: *calls out my negative core beliefs*

Me:

Therapist: *points out that I seem anxious*

Me:

Me to insurance: “I need this treatment in order to survive”

Insurance:

Writing about my mental illness like

Me to my therapist as we start trauma work:

My therapist trying to teach me mindfulness:

Me:

My therapist: *asks me to open up and be vulnerable*

Me:

Safety planning

Me: “I’ll be safe”

Therapist: “Okay so what is your plan for tonight?”

Me:

Me: *wants to live*

Mental illness:

Me: *desperatly wants a secure attachment*

A secure attachment: *starts happening*

Me:

Therapist: “So you’re going to solve your abandonment issues by… abandoning people first?”

Me:

The fact that I can’t remember like 90% of my childhood sometimes makes me wonder if I’ve ever even been a child. Maybe I haven’t and the blurry 10% I believe to remember are just random pictures and szenarios I made up to convince myself that I once was a child.

Everything’s nice and I’m feeling fine, then out of nothing I’m losing my mind. I thought I’ve left the darkness behind. It ran after me, turns out I’m easy to find.

23MAY2019

Oooof