also pro mental health tip but you will want to kill yourself marginally less if you eat food. bonus points if its like actually cooked and not outta the box saltines crackers
Why do you gotta call me out like this?
I’ll have not eaten in well over 12 hours, wonder why I’m so cranky, then my girlfriend asks if I’ve eaten and like fuckin magicI feel better afterward.
the idea of people going “zero carb” for months… you are going to die. like how do you get through to these people and convince them that they’re hurting themselves
thanks tumblr for recommending me posts about eating disorders when I’ve specifically blacklisted every tag under the sun concerning eds, this website really DOES work
this one is really important to me, especially lately.
i’m 5+ years recovered from an eating disorder (i went to treatment for 9 months inpatient and went outpatient for a really long time after. i still see my dietitian periodically to check in for accountability) and i still wrestle at times with body image from internalized messages (not referring to the gender dysphoria here), so i have to remind myself to thought-check before i body-check.
i’ve thankfully gotten much more adept at reminding myself that instead of seeing parts of my body (i.e. stomach, legs, arms - things that i was always judged/shamed for) under a microscopic lens of “too this/too that,” i can remind myself of what they do for me. my arms hold cats and work magick in my practice; they help me cook and steady myself as i ride my bike. my stomach protects my inner organs; it’s got skin just like my feet do. my legs hold me up and help me walk and run through sprinklers; even on the days i can’t walk so well, i know they’re trying.
i like the thought-work of reframing much better for my own self than i do the body positive movement, because to me, this reframing work says ’accept your body.’ and to me, acceptance IS the first step towards loving your body—because the absence of hatred is not the immediate presence of love and can lead to a lot of discouragement right off the bat if one thinks it does and it doesn’t work (i know it did for me).
so on my way out of a mindset of self-hatred, be it hatred towards my body because of messages i’ve internalized and adopted as my own or towards my ideas or towards my dreams, i have learned that i can not logically make the jump immediately from “i hate myself/my ideas/my body” to “i love myself/my ideas/my body” right away. instead, i have moved towards that direction through the phases of “i hate myself” working hard towards “i accept myself” towards “i am okay with myself” and it is getting me much much closer towards “i love myself.”
and of course there’s a lot of good to say about affirmations - i definitely say some of those as well, i’m not dissing those or the body positive movement. i’m just stating what’s worked best for me (and actually many friends from treatment that i am still in touch with) that i see as less-viewed but i think has great benefit. bottom line, i just really resonated with this lousy drawing today. i’ve been reflecting on my progress a lot lately and i simply love this one in particular <3
Where do we even begin? This post is probably going to be all over the place so please bear with me. I’m still figuring out how to talk about all this.
I guess I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Rowen and I am an alter in Sabrina’s system.
Since Sabrina last posted on here, a Lot has happened. We escaped an abusive living situation. We moved to a different state. We discovered that we are a dissociative system and that there are quite a few of us in this body.
***
Over the summer and fall, we went through a lot of new trauma that we’re not able to really talk about yet as it’s still really hard for us to sort things as the memories are held by different alters which makes figuring out timelines and things super weird.
But, the gist of things is that we were being psychologically and emotionally abused by someone we considered a best friend with whom we were living. This person used our disabilities against us as a way to control us and invalidate us to others. By the time we escaped, our sense of reality had shattered, we were sleeping only a few hours every few days, and we were severely malnourished from not being able to eat.
As summer gave way to autumn, Sabrina began noticing that they were losing time. They would think back over the day and not be able to account for hours at a time. They would find themselves somewhere and not know how they got there. They would find things moved to completely different places than where they remembered leaving things. The were pieces of writing they didn’t remember. Other people would mention prior conversations Sabrina had no recollection of.
As the abuse we were enduring took more of a toll, Sabrina lost more and more time. They were losing days at a time. During this time, other alters came forward to plan our escape. Things had become critical for us. We were sleeping only a few hours every couple days, at times remaining awake for nearly three days straight. We didn’t feel safe enough to sleep. We barely ate. We pushed the body far beyond it’s limits and kept pushing until we would quite literally collapse.
On a Saturday in October, we finally convinced out partner to flee with us after making the decision that whether or not he agreed, we had to escape. Thankfully, even though he didn’t understand, he trusted us enough to leave with us.
The next few weeks were incredibly tough. We stayed with a friend as we tried to figure out what to do. There was a lot of fighting and a lot of tears. We constantly felt like we needed to run, to escape.
It was also during this time that Sabrina started to put together the pieces. They began reading about people’s real experiences with Dissociative Identity Disorder and began suspecting that they may be part of a system.
It was also around this time that I, Rowen, was created. With all of the new trauma we had endured, Sabrina couldn’t handle being host any longer. Several of us split off during our time in the Manor and the ensuing chaos. When Sabrina stopped fronting, we were basically a revolving door of traumatized alters for a bit before I stepped into the role of host.
We’ve since moved back in with our parents, and while it was a really difficult transition that brought up a lot of old trauma, it has given us the chance to start recovering.
Things are still pretty rough for us. Our physical health is a mess and getting healthcare has been an uphill battle that we’re still struggling through. And our mental health is still quite the mess, though we’ve definitely made a lot of progress.
We don’t have much communication between alters yet, but there has been some improvement.
Sabrina hasn’t been around much since the escape and the few times they have come out, they’ve been very distraught.
Coming to understand that we are a system has been a difficult process, and one that we are still going through. Losing time is frightening. Having such limited memories of our life is hard. Learning to work together is challenging, especially when it is still so difficult for us to communicate. This has been a really difficult journey thus far and there’s still a lot of work ahead of us, but we’re still here and we’re still fighting and we’re going to keep working towards a better future for us.
***
StrangerDarkerBetter is Sabrina’s blog and was primarily centered around autism. With Sabrina being absent for the time being, we’ve decided to use a different blog.
If you’re interested in following us on our journey as we learn more about our system, you can find us over at @paradoxesofgalaxies. We reblog a variety of things as well as posting original content occasionally (though we hope to start posting more going forward)
Our inbox is open and we will do our best to respond to any questions we receive, though it make take some time as communication is still a struggle for us much of the time.
***
If you’re interested in learning more about DID, we suggest checking out some of the following resources:
We would like to conclude by apologizing for any harm we have caused and to those we have worried. The love and support y'all have shown Sabrina is incredible and we thank you so deeply. Y'all are truly incredible!
Author’s note: I decided to rewrite one of my stories I made when I was younger. I’ve gotten better at writing over the years of when I first made the story. I’m thinking of publishing it if I think it’s good enough. I’ve decided to make the story more book like with chapters and all that. The story is now first person and from Ollo’s and others perspective.
Ollo’s story is inspired by the Manga ‘Emergence’ or some call it ‘Metamorphosis’. It’s written by the hentai artist Shindol. Even though the story is hentai it has really good plot and is heartbreaking. You can read it for free on the website Nhentai (Only if you can handle it the story is DEPRESSING and dark and it’s also 18+). Saki Yoshida (The main character in emergence) and her story inspired Ollo and all the mistakes she made. Hopefully people will love Ollo and her story.
Warning: Story contains.
Strong language
Sexual Assault
Sex
Substance (Drug and alcohol) abuse
Underage drinking
Mental illness/suicidal themes
Eating disorders
Story: 18 years ago a Korean baby with black hair and brown eyes was born. My mom would have been a single parent and unable to take care of me if she didn’t give me up for adoption. She always told me if was the hardest decision she ever made and wished she could take care of me but couldn’t. I don’t hate her for her choice and I understand why she did it. And, I don’t love her any less because of it.
At birth I was adopted by my two dads Taeyeon and Mark. I also have a big brother named Hyungwon which is a year older than me. We lived in Korean long enough to adopt my two younger sisters. Mia who is two years younger than me and Uzuki who is three years younger.
Life with my dads was great. Even though I was young and don’t remember much in Korea, I remember them being kind and loving. They always made sure we were happy and bought us everything we wanted. They always played with us and cheered us up when we were sad. It’s not like we had anything to be sad about, it was mostly if we fell down or if Hyung didn’t share his Playstation.
Every weekend we all rode the train to our mother’s houses. My mom lived in a small apartment with my grandmother in seoul. My mom is very beautiful and sweet, and a lot of people say I remind them of her, but I don’t see it. Shes so beautiful and I’m anything but that. I remember being with my mom the most in Korea. I remember her always calling me chubby when I went to her house. i know she never meant to say that to hurt me but it started to.
After a few years in Korea my dad found a better job in Tokyo, Japan. So me and my family packed up and moved to japan in a decent sized house in the city. I also started school during this time and at first I was really excited to start and meet new friends. Only if I knew what was really about to come.
When I first started I found out how man kids could be. I was called fat, ugly, pig, and so much more. Throughout the years one name stuck with me. It was given to me by a girl named Star. She was rich, pretty, and popular. I remember the first day I came to school she called me a pig and followed it with pig noises. I remember some of the kids laughing and me wanting to crawl in a ball and hide.
I didn’t make many friends when I was younger and mostly got bullied. It was mostly my fault. I mean everything is my fault. I pushed people away scared of being teased and picked on.
I’m the reason I was so lonely and sad.
The teasing went on for years and I never told anyone what was happening to me except for Hyung who stood up for me when he could. I remember this one incident when I was 8.
I was sitting under one of the playground play sets drawing in the ground with a stick. And, star and her friends walked up to me.
“Move pig” She said to me.
I stopped drawing in the dirt and told her “No I always play here” with my head still down.
I remember her kicking dirt in my face causing me to fall back and cry. I remember her laughing with her friends and saying to me,”Listen fatty you’ll never be anything like me. You’re fat and ugly and no one likes you. You’re probably going to be like one of those girls who has sex with men to feel happy. So if you know whats best for you, you should just g-”
I remember Hyung ran under the play set in front of me to protect me from them. He told them to leave me alone before he beats all their asses. He was older than them and scarier than them so they all left. He hugged me and told me, “Don’t listen to them. You’re nothing like they said you were. You’re one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen.”
I wish I listen to him.
Who knew kids that age could develop a eating disorder. I use to starve myself and workout to the point of passing out. I didn’t know what a eating disorder was back then. I just simply thought I was working out like normal and not slowly killing my body. My family noticed the weight loss but just shrugged it off thinking I was losing baby weight. A part of me wished they stopped me and the other part is happy they didn’t.
People at school started to notice the weight loss. Boys drolled over me, but never said anything. I guess they were scared of getting bullied for talking to the past fat girl. Girls hated me and would talk about me behind my back. I remember them saying things like, “She probably makes herself throw up like those models.”
My dream was to look like my favorite K-pop idols. I use to use the posters in my room of them as inspiration. I even use to talk to them and treat them like friends when I was alone in my room. I really needed friends.
I was really lonely….
Ending note: Welp that was the ending of the unfinished rough draft of Ollo. I’m going to finish the story in a few months and finish the story. I hope you enjoyed the sneak peek.
r/loseit is the funniest subreddit in the most depressing way like they act like they will beat you with hammers if you suggest eating below 1200 calories but every so often a seven foot tall dude will say he’s eating 900 calories and they’ll act like it’s normal and advise him on macros or whatever and ppl on their will unironically say “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” like dude lol
“An eating disorder history also demonstrated a relationship to being out. Out bisexuals were more likely to have an eating disorder than heterosexual women. It is unclear why this association would be found. Regardless of degree of outness, bisexual women were twice as likely to have had an eating disorder than lesbians. There is no other existing data on bisexual women and eating disorders. Despite the differing rates of eating disorder histories, the B.M.I.s and current self-perceptions of weight were equal among the lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual women subgroups. The findings of this study with respect to the bisexual population and the influence of outness and eating disorders highlight the need for further research in this area”
very struggling with my eating disorder again. sigh. i know it is chronic but i fucking hate this and i hate feeling this way and hate having to do things about it as well. i dont want to make appointments with a dietitian or get medical monitoring set up again or anything like that . but i know i should ….fuck all of this
accidentally lock urself out of ur own dorm room and its dinnertime and ur starving but u left ur shoes in ur dorm so u have to borrow ur friends shoes but he wears a 13 and u wear like an 8.5 or 9 and the only place that is open is downhill and u keep tripping on the stairs and when u get there ur walking around like a fuckin clown and the shoes wont stay on and u see a guy u like and this guy actually thinks that ur very cool and ur excited that there might be something there but he sees the FUCKING shoes and now ur worried that he wont think ur cool anymore and also he asks about ur friend and u say that the shoes belong to ur friend and he kind of smiles in a certain way and U DONT REALIZE UNTIL LATER that it sounded like ur friend was ur boyfriend and now ur thinking of ways to tell him that u r not dating ur friend and also ur still locked out of ur dorm so u have to sleep in his roommates bed that smells like baby powder
is there a method for treating eds that doesn’t prioritize “compliance” and being in treatment as often as humanly possible? It’s really not working for me and I’ve been told it’s how everyone does it and there’s no alternative :/
people are absolutely EVIL about the boundaries of “picky eaters”. no, they do not have to try it. yes, they can know they don’t like it without having eaten it before. no, they probably have not suddenly grown a taste for the food they’ve said they hate. no, they probably are not going to like it in the Special Way This One Place Cooks It. yes, you are being a bad friend if you try to “trick” them into eating it anyway
Also if you’re an e*ting d*sorder blog please refrain from liking and interacting with my posts…I’ve been recovered for some time and I check my notifications often so seeing ED blogs in my notifs doesn’t sit well with me
“It’s very American, isn’t it? Because in America, certainly in Hollywood, it’s about youth and it’s about the glorification of the young body, the firm body, the teenage, post-teenage, early-20s body. It’s also about being stick thin. It doesn’t actually reflect the way women’s bodies actually look or how women’s bodies actually mature.”
“I think Hispanic women are beautiful with their curves. I’m not sure who feels that way in Hollywood. I was never told to lose 50 pounds. If they think that they just don’t bother with you. You just don’t get the role and you never know why. That’s still better than physically harming yourself and becoming unhealthy just to star in a movie.”
I’m sorry to have to make a post like this, but I really need help. I’ve just gotten let go from my job with no warning (I was still in the first few months so they legally didn’t need to give me notice but it still sucks), and I was relying on that paycheck for food and to pay my utilities. I spent the last of my money on cat food (the essentials, can’t have my babies go hungry) and one of my medications. I am a trans woman who is recovering from a really awful eating disorder, and I’m honestly terrified of relapsing if I am unable to buy groceries. Honestly, if anyone is able to send $1, ramen is better than relapsing into this toxic cycle. If you aren’t able to donate, please reblog or share, it would help me more than you know ❤️❤️
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