Yesterday I returned the keys to the studio space I’ve rented for the past 47 months, room 120 at Orion Studios in Baltimore. Not only was it a place where I made tremendous growth as a musician, it proved to be extremely important for my mental health and stability. Having a space of my own where I’m completely free to be creative, and to better myself without judgment of any kind, turned out to be more important to me than I ever thought it would be.
The photos above are a few that I’ve taken over the years from various recording and video projects I’ve done. I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished in the last 4 years in this space, and although this chapter of my life has ended, I find myself inspired and excited about my creative future.
in my mind’s eye, you’re frozen in time, in place not even revolving, never evolving
taxidermied, preserved, stuffed
until the next time we meet, face to face and you ask me to reassure you, learn you all over again
this time: i see you
you look soft and spiky, like a tumbleweed happier drifting with the wind and your thorns but when you latch on to your chosen rock, they’re stuck with you, more often than not…
because you’re endearing, as much as you’re wearying.
again, you ask me to reassure you i hear you
you said: i’m ready to bloom and i said: let me take a step back, and you can have the room and i wait it seems i’m always waiting on you to let go, to latch on to latch on to me, preferably… ha!
instead, i see you grow i hear you, and i know
it’s my problem, not yours but i’d like to cultivate my roses, too and i can’t do that if i’m letting you still my room, waiting on you to see me and the space that i need.
If you watched a ghibli movie, then you know that’s the vibe/aesthetic i’m going to describe in this post.
These suggestions are things which i do to make myself happy. I (try to) choose 1 daily. Why? Because you have to actively choose to do things in order to make yourself happy, why wait until happiness comes. go and grab it for yourself
Spend time alone and whenever you do, have some sort of activity, even if it’s just daydreaming
Make something you enjoy drinking; it can be tea in your favorite tea cup, it can be hot chocolate, it can be matcha latte etc.
Choose 1-3 hobbies but don’t make them chores, have fun doing them; don’t pressure yourself with the idea of being good at it, just have fun (suggestions: drawing, origami, making videos, grow a tiny garden in 2 paper cups, learn to play play at your laptop, make friendship bracelets, crochet, knitting, learn a language, embroidery)
Make something exciting to eat; pancakes, waffles, your favorite ramen, pizza pastries, lentil soup, mushroom soup, tarts etc. I said exciting, not your favorite because cooking something new can be amazing too.
Wear something you like; don’t keep certain clothes for special occasions. If they make you happy, wear them.
Try a new sort of tea or sweets. Your supermarket has something you haven’t tried before, i promise.
Got stickers? Use one of them. You keep hoarding them for “special moments” but they are the perfect thing to make you happy because you gave them that power. Stick them on your phone case, laptop case, journal etc.
Write yourself a love letter. By love letter i mean compliment yourself a bit. Tell you what you admire at yourself or tell you what you’re looking forward to do/learn etc.
Doodle some cute things. Pinterest has a bunch of easy doodles/decorations etc.
Go for a walk and take pictures. Find beauty in places you label as “ordinary”.. Maybe make a digital photo album as a diary.
Read something that makes you happy and take notes. Write why you like that book/character etc. You have a bunch of beautiful things in your life, they wait to be acknowledged.
Tell your friends they’re precious to you. Watch as they stumble upon their words as they process the words you just said.
Have tiny crafting projects for others. Made cookies? How about making some boxes or bags (with the help of pinterest) then decorate them and give them to your friend?
Go on a picnic with someone.
Stay a bit late and look out the window at stars or just at the empty street while the window is open and the window is chilly~
Clean your room while dancing or/and singing. Be proud of cleaning your space.
Look around your room and think what you’d change/ what you want to change and try to do so. Make a new poster, get a plant, move things around etc.
Learn something new. Enjoy the process. I said enjoy it, not aspire to be a master at it in 5 min. How do you enjoy the process? You remind yourself how 2 hours ago you didn’t know that, how you progressed and learn, how you improve, how this topic brings you joy and you won’t force it on yourself like you’re on a schedule.
You get yourself a nice shower gel, perfume, face mask etc and enjoy a relaxing afternoon.
Lie down and daydream until you fall asleep.
Make yourself a bento even if you go no where. There’s just something about making pretty food that delights people.
Get some handerchiefs and think of some design. Customize them by sewing or painting on them. You can make these for friends too.
Have a tea party with your friends. or a sleepover if you can
Have a journal where you write what you want to do, what goals you have, places you want to visit, what dates you want to go on, what people (fictional or real) you like, what songs inspire you etc. Make it a dream place.
Actively try to look at things and people like they special. That sunshine? It feels warm and soft. Doesn’t it look nice? How does your friend make you feel? How would you describe them? Is it like the entrance of a magical forest ready to go on an adventure? Is it the comfort of staying under a blanket on a rainy morning? Is your meal making you excited to eat it? Is your drink making you happy you got it? Is your room the environment you envision yourself being happy in?
Being a studyblr doesn’t mean you need all the fancy stationery.
Being a studyblr doesn’t mean you need to be a “perfect” student.
Being a studyblr doesn’t mean you need to know what you want to study if you plan on going to college.
Being a studyblr means that you find an interest in school and want to continue working hard. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You’re doing this for yourself.
Mean or broken, really it’s the same thing Intention don’t matter, in the end, you still hurt me Not absolved from your actions just ‘cause you want the consequences to go away
This is not Broadway I will not bow for your performance To you, keeping up this façade is of uttermost importance But this isn’t even worth the price of a matinee So I’ve gotta say bye to you, babe
Is happiness a destination we can choose regardless of circumstance, or an unattainable goal on the path to self-development? Amal Awad ponders this fleeting feeling.
You’re not a bad person just because you did a bad thing - and you gotta learn to separate the two. Self hatred never helped anyone grow and learn, because you can only do better if you allow yourself to believe you can improve. That’s why you gotta be careful not to label yourself as someone who is inherently terrible. You aren’t terrible. You did something bad, and now you can do better. Focus on that part.
this one is really important to me, especially lately.
i’m 5+ years recovered from an eating disorder (i went to treatment for 9 months inpatient and went outpatient for a really long time after. i still see my dietitian periodically to check in for accountability) and i still wrestle at times with body image from internalized messages (not referring to the gender dysphoria here), so i have to remind myself to thought-check before i body-check.
i’ve thankfully gotten much more adept at reminding myself that instead of seeing parts of my body (i.e. stomach, legs, arms - things that i was always judged/shamed for) under a microscopic lens of “too this/too that,” i can remind myself of what they do for me. my arms hold cats and work magick in my practice; they help me cook and steady myself as i ride my bike. my stomach protects my inner organs; it’s got skin just like my feet do. my legs hold me up and help me walk and run through sprinklers; even on the days i can’t walk so well, i know they’re trying.
i like the thought-work of reframing much better for my own self than i do the body positive movement, because to me, this reframing work says ’accept your body.’ and to me, acceptance IS the first step towards loving your body—because the absence of hatred is not the immediate presence of love and can lead to a lot of discouragement right off the bat if one thinks it does and it doesn’t work (i know it did for me).
so on my way out of a mindset of self-hatred, be it hatred towards my body because of messages i’ve internalized and adopted as my own or towards my ideas or towards my dreams, i have learned that i can not logically make the jump immediately from “i hate myself/my ideas/my body” to “i love myself/my ideas/my body” right away. instead, i have moved towards that direction through the phases of “i hate myself” working hard towards “i accept myself” towards “i am okay with myself” and it is getting me much much closer towards “i love myself.”
and of course there’s a lot of good to say about affirmations - i definitely say some of those as well, i’m not dissing those or the body positive movement. i’m just stating what’s worked best for me (and actually many friends from treatment that i am still in touch with) that i see as less-viewed but i think has great benefit. bottom line, i just really resonated with this lousy drawing today. i’ve been reflecting on my progress a lot lately and i simply love this one in particular <3
My boyfriend and I got into a small argument a few days ago. I was needing reassurance and I have trust issues. I broke down, sobbing and absolutely manic over something so small. I didn’t want to lose him. I love him so much. Finally, I looked him in the eyes and apologized. I loved him before, but I knew I loved him when he did this:
It was late and I was exhausted so I went to sleep in our bed. He thought it was best for him to sleep on the couch. Before he left, he covered me up with the blankets, kissed my forehead and said “i love you”. Later on I woke up and found him sleeping next to me. I knew I loved him before we had an argument and I knew I loved him after. One single “fight” could of blown out of proportion and lead to us potentially breaking up. In a relationship, shit gets hard. It’s not always sex, cuddling and lovey shit. Sometimes you have to be an adult and apologize. You have to move on. You have to push past it.
If possible, temporarily remove yourself from any immediate sources of stress and re-engage the positive aspects of the dominant function, and activate the auxiliary function to balance the mind. (see the Type Development section & #how functions work for more detail)
inf Si grip: zoom out from your head to examine the bigger picture and think about whether your decisions big/small are producing good progress
inf Ni grip: realize that brooding or being uptight doesn’t help anything, get out of yourself with a fun/productive/social activity that will boost confidence
inf Ti grip: check if your beliefs/assumptions about people are really true and consider whether your attitude is helpful for relationship health
inf Fi grip: acknowledge your weaknesses/failures and think on how to make up for them and/or work out the steps to doing better next time
inf Se grip: pause and get in touch with your aspirations/potential and reflect on whether your thinking/actions actually serve your greater purpose
inf Ne grip: breathe, break a problem up into smaller more manageable steps and then carry out your tasks patiently and methodically
inf Te grip: acknowledge and process negative emotions with self-empathy, get in touch with your authentic self and care for your well-being
inf Fe grip: step back to clear your head, slowly think through the problem and whether you need to change your idea/approach (for next time)
“How can I be substantial if I fail to cast a shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole; and inasmuch as I become conscious of my shadow I also remember that I am a human being like any other.” - Jung
So about 2 months ago I had set myself a challenge: not to ask for any advice for the entirety of a month (June). So what did I learn:
That asking for confirmation of my choices has become so automatic, I sometimes barely notice I’m doing it.
That I use asking advice as a way to hear my own thoughts out loud and thus to get more perspective.
That mostly I know what I truly want and it’s fear that stops me from making the choice, not my inability to choose.
At the beginning I caught myself a few times asking for advice and completely forgetting about the challenge. As the month went on, I became more aware and forced myself to make my decisions alone. This mostly ended up in me making the choice I was going to make anyway, just without another’s reassurance.
Towards the end of the month however, I noticed that I was becoming annoyed with the challenge. Sometimes I didn’t see the value in making a decision on my own, especially as some big life shifts were happening. For example, I had signed up for an apartment and suddenly received an e-mail inviting me for a viewing (at this time I was living with my mom). As soon as I stepped through the door, I knew I wanted the house. It just had an amazing energy and it was beautiful. Even though I already knew I was going to say yes to the house I still consulted my parents and my sister, it seemed like the mature thing to do. This was about a week before the end of the challenge and I figured I had tried it enough (to be honest I was getting frustrated with the challenge).
The challenge also showed me that I have a subconscious belief that asking for help means I am being responsible, because I am considering all the options. Which in a way is true, it’s like when I needed a new printer and I made sure to do my research before picking one (this might have been 3 days of nonstop researching XD). In the end though I picked the best price/quality combination and felt like I had made the best choice available. Obviously though research doesn’t apply to all areas of life. Sometimes we need to dive in, experience and learn on our own. Learn our own truth. Because with matters of the heart and when dealing with people we are never going to find a one size fits all approach.
In conclusion I would say that I definitely ask for less advice now, I am learning to trust myself more, but at times I do find it valuable to see from another’s perspective. I believe that as long as we are moving towards more self-trust, asking for different perspectives can be helpful. However we must keep our true desire in mind as we are looking from other’s perspective, we should be careful not to lose our own voice. The advice should lead us to choices we feel in our heart to be right.
“Don’t listen to people who tell you what to do. Listen to people who encourage you to do what you know in your heart is right.”
It’s a process like all other aspects of growth, being aware and working towards better choices is all we can do. We can’t be perfect and we don’t need to be.
Send me a message and share your experiences with me about making choices and asking advice, I’d love to hear from you!
PS. I said yes to the house and moved out a month later
trust yourself and choose whatever you are drawn to.
disclaimer:please take what resonates and is meant for you - leave the rest. this is a general (& not in person) reading and not everything will resonate for everyone. i believe the cards can be very accurate, but this is my own interpretation of them using my intuition and the energies i receive. if the way i read doesn’t suit you personally, please just find someone that works for you. everyone’s different :)
~LEFT PILE~
the empress, seven of pentacles, the high priestess
be grateful for the good things you have in your life, and you’ll attract more. there is a big opportunity for abundance in your life, whether it’s of love or money.
understand that when you give, you receive. you may be lacking motivating or faith that something will work out, but you’re being reminded that when you put in time and effort, long term results WILL show.
now is the time to tune into your intuition so you can access knowledge from your soul. trust yourself and messages from your inner voice, because it’s there to guide you moving forward.
~MIDDLE PILE~
the world, three of pentacles, page of cups
you may be completing a significant milestone or achievement. know that all the efforts that you have been putting in place are starting to pay off.
be open to working with others - if you put the skills and talents of multiple people together you could create something you’re very proud of.
your action card also relates to that. dream big, embrace your inner child and believe that anything is possible. allow yourself to experience new things.
~RIGHT PILE~
the lovers, ten of cups, page of swords
by being open and honest, you have a great opportunity right now to make a very strong, meaningful connection or build an existing relationship.
follow your heart and trust your intuition to lead you down the path aligned with your happiness and highest. allow your emotions and feelings to guide you.
go after anything that brings you excitement, happiness and curiosity. explore new opportunities and share your gifts or talents with other people.
THANK YOU SO MUCH! please like and reblog if anything resonated!!
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