#incorrect umbrella acadamy
klaus: i am covered in blood for sexy reasons
klaus: also, i just got stabbed
allison, holding up an unlabeled bottle: is this whiskey or perfume?
klaus: lemme see
klaus: *takes the bottle and chugs it*
klaus: it’s perfume
allison: i know we don’t get along, but i got you this bath bomb as a peace offering. whenever you feel stressed, just run yourself a bath and throw this in. i promise, all your worries will be gone in seconds
leonard, opening the package: this is a toaster
allison: do you take constructive criticism?
klaus: not without crying
allison: you’re like school in july
leonard:
allison: no class
diego: patch talks in her sleep sometimes. it’s adorable
patch, sleeping: fight me… you motherfucker… square up… i think the fuck not
allison: i don’t dress to impress. i dress to depress. i want to look so good people hate themselves.
klaus, quietly: spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine
five:
klaus, steadily building volume: shrieking skulls will shock your soul, seal your doom tonight
five:
klaus, screaming at the top of his lungs: SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS SPEAK WITH SUCH A SCREECH YOU’LL SHAKE AND SHUDDER IN SURPRISE WHEN YOU HEAR THESE ZOMBIES SHRI-
five: SHUT THE FUCK UP
ben: is there a word that a mix between sad and mad?
five: malcontented, disgruntled, miserable-
klaus:SMAD
*debating*
luther: *finishes argument*
reginald: your turn, number two.
diego: yeah, so everything he just said is bullshit
grace: when you answer the phone, what do you say
diego: what up?
klaus: who dis be?
five: no, he’s dead. this is his son.
allison: i think luther is in trouble.
diego: alright. struggling to give a fuck, if i’m being honest.
diego: who ate all the powdered donuts
allison, staring at klaus: i think i might have an idea
klaus, covered in white powder: it wasn’t me!
diego: you’re literally covered in the powder!
klaus: …. it’s cocaine
~ Later ~
diego: oh, the donuts were in the fridge.
diego:
diego:
diego:KLAUS
klaus, in bed, half asleep:*sneezes*
ben, from under the bed: bless you
klaus:….satan?
luther, on a ledge: stay back! I’m a monster!! I’m going to jump
klaus: do a flip
Klaus: Before you say no—
Five:No.
Klaus: But I haven’t even told you yet!
Five: I’m sticking with no.
Luther: Has anyone ever stopped to wonder why we’re all still alive?
Klaus: Oh, yeah.
Ben: All the time.
Five: By all likelihood, we shouldn’t be.
Eudora: Were you dropped on your head as a child?
Diego: Bold of you to assume I was held.
Diego: Any sign of trouble just give the signal and we come in hard and fast.
Five: What’s the signal?
Klaus: Me screaming.
Diego: My body is a temple.
Five: Ancient and crumbling.
Klaus: Probably cursed or haunted or both!
Klaus: Hey do you think I could fit fifteen marshmallows into my mouth?
Five: You’re a hazard to society.
Ben: And a coward. Do twenty.
Klaus: Dee, what’s the phobia of chainsaws called?
Diego: Common sense.
Klaus, still up at 3AM: If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of the chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Diego, eyes wide, staring at the ceiling:…
Klaus: How the fuck do people stay motivated their entire lives? What drives you? I got out of bed once and I’ve been exhausted ever since.
Five: You need to learn to hate life to the point where you want to get revenge on existence itself.
Ben: You’re not talking any sense into me. You’re just cheering me on to disaster.
Klaus: Is that not half the reason why I’m your best friend in the first place?
Five: And I wasn’t convicted of a felony, I just committed one.
Klaus: First kisses are exciting - you don’t know how they’ll kiss until you kiss them, it’s a big love mystery. How are they gonna kiss? How am I gonna kiss? Do I lean left? Do I lean right? More tongue? Less tongue? Should I pinch their nipple or is it too early for that?
Klaus: I wasn’t injured. I was lightly ran over.
Diego: You were ran over?!
Klaus: Lightly ran over. I didn’t want to frighten you.
Waiter: [hands Klaus his check] here’s your bill, sir.
Klaus: [places down uno reverse card] here you go.
Ben: Wait, stop, think!
Klaus: No, no, and no.
Diego: I spy with my little eye someone who needs to shut the fuck up.
Luther:…Is it me?
Diego: It’s always you.
Klaus: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me…
Ben: Even more humiliating than—
Klaus: Let’s not do this today, Benji.
Ben: You still don’t understand what happened in Ocean’s Eleven!
Klaus: It’s a complicated film.
Ben: It really isn’t!
Five: That was my sarcastic voice.
Klaus: You know it sounds a lot like your regular voice.
Five: I’ve been told that.
