#five the umbrella academy

klaus: i am covered in blood for sexy reasons

klaus: also, i just got stabbed

allison, holding up an unlabeled bottle: is this whiskey or perfume?

klaus: lemme see

klaus: *takes the bottle and chugs it*

klaus: it’s perfume

allison: i know we don’t get along, but i got you this bath bomb as a peace offering. whenever you feel stressed, just run yourself a bath and throw this in. i promise, all your worries will be gone in seconds

leonard, opening the package: this is a toaster

allison: do you take constructive criticism?

klaus: not without crying

luther:how would you rate your pain?

klaus:0/10.

luther:how- your arm is literally going the wrong way-

klaus:as in 0/10 would not recommend

luther:

klaus:very not gucci, does not slap, no thanks

allison: you’re like school in july

leonard:

allison: no class

diego: patch talks in her sleep sometimes. it’s adorable

patch, sleeping: fight me… you motherfucker… square up… i think the fuck not

klaus: things i want- snuggles

also klaus: things i receive- struggles

allison: i don’t dress to impress. i dress to depress. i want to look so good people hate themselves.

klaus, quietly: spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine

five:

klaus, steadily building volume: shrieking skulls will shock your soul, seal your doom tonight

five:

klaus, screaming at the top of his lungs: SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS SPEAK WITH SUCH A SCREECH YOU’LL SHAKE AND SHUDDER IN SURPRISE WHEN YOU HEAR THESE ZOMBIES SHRI-

five: SHUT THE FUCK UP

ben: is there a word that a mix between sad and mad?

five: malcontented, disgruntled, miserable-

klaus:SMAD

*debating*

luther: *finishes argument*

reginald: your turn, number two.

diego: yeah, so everything he just said is bullshit

grace: when you answer the phone, what do you say

diego: what up?

klaus: who dis be?

five: no, he’s dead. this is his son.

allison: i think luther is in trouble.

diego: alright. struggling to give a fuck, if i’m being honest.

diego: who ate all the powdered donuts

allison, staring at klaus: i think i might have an idea

klaus, covered in white powder: it wasn’t me!

diego: you’re literally covered in the powder!

klaus: …. it’s cocaine

~ Later ~

diego: oh, the donuts were in the fridge.

diego:

diego:

diego:KLAUS

klaus, in bed, half asleep:*sneezes*

ben, from under the bed: bless you

klaus:….satan?

ben: i thought you were better than this!

klaus: really? …. why?

diego: mama might’ve raised an emotionally awkward man-child with self-esteem issues, but she dIDN’T RAISE NO QUITTER

klaus: they say seventy percent of the human body is made of H₂O

klaus: well the other thirty percent of me wants₂die

five: i told you, i’m fine. why the hell do you keep asking?

allison: you had ten cups of coffee in two minutes

dave: so how do you feel about all this? about us?

klaus, checking his mood ring: uh, i feel green i guess

diego: god, i hate everyone in this fucking house

luther: you’re in the house you know

diego: bitch i said everyONE not everyTEN

diego: klaus, why is there a horse in the living room

klaus: he wouldn’t fit in the kitchen

diego: that’s not what i- whY the FUCK is there a goat in the bathroom?!?

klaus: he was bullying the horse! what else was i supposed to do??

klaus: if i punch myself and it hurts, am i weak or strong?

vanya:strong

diego:weak

five: an idiot is what you are

dave: i love you

klaus: *holds up uno reverse card*

five: i’m off dessert

also five: *eats sixteen peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches in two seconds flat*

klaus: well, change is inedible.

five: i think you mean inevitable.

klaus, spitting out a quarter:nope

police officer: license and registration, please.

klaus: okay, here

police officer:

klaus:

police officer: this is a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card

diego:bitch

luther:blocked

diego: wait, unblock me i need to tell you something

luther:unblocked

diego:bitch

Guess what I just binged—