#isolation

Me to my SAD lamp

why do I have memory gaps? why do I forget things so easily? why do I feel like I’m delusional, like anything I see or feel isn’t real and isn’t there? why do I feel like I’m always lying? what happened? why don’t I remember it?

My depression grew in a tiny flower pot. Everyone took turns watering it. But after a while people stopped paying attention and stopped caring. So I started watering it myself until it grew big and tall. And I’m ashamed to say it is my biggest accomplishment.

Anon wrote: Hello, I’m a 19-year-old female INFJ and I have some problems with a friend. He seems to be an ESFP. I’m still practicing typing other people, so I’m not really sure about it. He uses Se a lot.

The problem I have is not about typing, but rather about his behaviour. Lately, whenever he has a problem with something, he becomes quiet, he doesn’t talk about it at all and he pretends that he’s fine. Then he tries to escape from his own mind by behaving carelessly and engaging in risky activities (drinking a lot of alcohol, smoking many cigarettes, gambling, etc).

I have noticed the risky behaviours only recently, but his tendency to isolate has been going on for a few months. Before, we used to talk a lot. I used to help him when he had problems and he used to do the same with me. Now the situation is different. He has been distancing himself from me, even though I haven’t done anything to him. He’s doing the same thing to two of his dearest friends as well. There are probably plenty of reasons for that, and I suspect that two of them are the war and his new girlfriend.

I don’t want that he talks necessarily to me. He can open up even with others. The only thing I care about is that he doesn’t put himself in danger and that he doesn’t cut off all the important people in his life (except the girlfriend). He doesn’t seem to understand that his behaviours can damage himself, nor that isolation is likely to just make things worse. In your opinion, is there anything that I can do? Thank you in advance.

——————-

The behavior you describe is indeed concerning. Without knowing the real reason for his withdrawal, there’s not much I can offer by way of solutions. It’s difficult to help someone who won’t open up, but it’s unclear whether he’s resistant or just sliding into passivity.

Withdrawal is a common warning sign of poor mental health. It may indicate that a person needs time and space to process negative feelings and emotions. It may indicate that they need help but don’t know how to get it. It may indicate that there is a difficult problem sapping their energy and they aren’t able to resolve it. It may indicate an existential crisis, in terms of being deeply unhappy about something in life and not knowing what to do about it. It may indicate some serious mental health problem with depression or anxiety.

Withdrawal is an unhealthy coping mechanism because it leads to isolation, feeling stuck, and being cut off from social support. Ideally, the person should be reaching out for help or talking about their problems rather than ruminating on them. However, it is sometimes difficult to get withdrawn people to open up. The first step would be to try to figure out 1) why exactly they’re withdrawing, and 2) whether there is some obstacle preventing them from reaching out or opening up. There are many possible obstacles, for example:

-Not knowing where to start: ESFPs are generally open, easygoing, and sociable. But they sometimes have difficulty confronting complexities and dissecting complicated situations. They might not know how to begin talking about a problem because their feelings seem soooo large, they have too many mixed emotions, and they feel oppressed and overwhelmed by the heaviness of it all. Under normal circumstances, ESFPs are naturally expressive and generally quite comfortable with opening up, which means that perhaps all you have to do is ask them the right questions and give them a chance to process their thoughts and feelings freely out loud. If you prod them to open up and they refuse, then they are making a conscious choice to close up and there is likely a deeper problem at play.

-Lack of emotional vocabulary: It is natural for Fi to seek private time for emotional processing but, being extraverted, it is essential for ESFPs to let their feelings out, the sooner, the better, otherwise, the negativity will eat them up inside. However, people who don’t have a good relationship with their emotional life won’t feel free/safe enough to let their feelings out. Gender is an important factor to take into consideration because men are socially discouraged from being emotional. If someone is emotionally repressed and has spent many years burying their vulnerability, it might take a lot of empathy, patience, encouragement, and reassurance on your part to get them to open up. Sometimes, all you can do is provide social support by creating a safe, warm, and supportive environment. Remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

-Feeling like no one will understand: If an ESFP feels alone and, for whatever reason, believes that you won’t validate their feelings and experiences, they won’t open up to you. Ideally, they should talk to someone with some similar experience so that they feel less alone. It’s easier to open up to someone who has been through a similar situation and can offer useful and practical insights about how to get through it. If you’re not the person with the right experience, then offer to help them find the right person to talk to.

-Feeling too ashamed: ESFPs tend to be prideful, so it can be difficult for them to confront a problem/mistake that is tied to their sense of self and affects their self-esteem. They are prone to beating themselves up for not having done better. Reassure them that you’re willing to hear everything they say without any judgment whatsoever. Express your compassion and put their emotional well-being above all other concerns. If appropriate, share one of your own sources of shame in order to help establish trust and get the ball rolling.

-Hopelessness: To lose hope is difficult for anyone but especially for ExFPs, since a positive attitude is integral to their way of being. It’s difficult to instill hope in someone who is determined to be pessimistic. It’s difficult to persuade someone to have hope in a truly dire situation such as war. Perhaps all you can do is remind them of the good things in life to feel appreciative of and/or help them find something positive to look forward to or work towards.

-Helplessness:Being naturally proactive, it is unlike ESFPs to be passive in the face of a problem. However, anyone can fall into helplessness when they lack the knowledge, skills, or resources to solve a difficult problem. They might need a mentor to teach them the knowledge and skills required to overcome their challenges. You can try to point them toward good learning resources. ESFPs learn best with practical advice and/or a respected role model to emulate. Once ESFPs have a concrete plan for moving forward in life, their mood should improve quickly.

-Not wanting to be a pain or a burden: If an ESFP really cares about you and sees that you have a lot on your plate, they will not want to bother you, so they’ll try to work things out on their own. Reassure them that you’re truly there for them. Tell them that you can handle sharing whatever emotional load they are carrying. Examine which mental, emotional, spiritual, or material needs of theirs are going unfulfilled and provide an idea or method to get them fulfilled.

While you see his reckless behavior as harmful, admonishing his behavior isn’t the right way to go about helping him, because it will only give him more to get frustrated about (and feel defensive about). Remember that the recklessness is only a symptom of the problem, so it should be forgiven in order to get to the actual underlying problem itself.

Before I begin… This is my story, and I entrust you with it like you have with me. For you skimmers out there, rest easy: I’m not going anywhere. I’m okay. So Worth Loving is not going anywhere. SWL is okay! Today is actually her birthday! We made it another year fam. Cheers to perseverance and impacting lives!

I remember sitting in a Kroger parking lot at 7:15am on January 2nd, feeling confused. I had no make up on, a beanie on my head, and 3-day old hair as I listened to music and wept. I didn’t know exactly what I was crying about because there were so many layers upon layers of emotions. Everything was gray. I rationalized in my head that… this happened because this happened; and then this happened because this happened; and then this happened. Nothing could stop my mind from racing. The only thing I could do was think. Then over-think, and then spiral. 

I want to share something not many people know, unless you are in my inner circle. And if you do know, it might be because you are an observer from afar or caught wind of he said/she said.

This year, I hid from you because I truthfully thought I wasn’t deserving of a community of people that believed in me. I was struggling to understand what my truth was. 

Did you know that diamonds are found in the dark, created under pressure, and cut by another diamond? I didn’t; and if I’m being honest, I have felt that same cataclysmic pressure, too. I found myself in the dark, encountering an unbelievable amount of pressure, experiencing relationships that refined me and made me better. If I could share every detail of the last year of my life, every nook and crack in my heart, I don’t know if you would be “Team Eryn” anymore. Or maybe you would, because maybe you would find that I am just like you.

I never want to sit on a pedestal and claim that I know everything about business and self-worth. I don’t. I’ve only hoped and prayed that my voice be used for good. Hoping that I could share my perspective, create a space for you to share yours, express what I’m learning, and celebrate vulnerability and connection. I’m here to inspire empathy in safe places. 

So, I’ll quit with the hesitation and dive in. 

Over the past year, I have been desperate for empathy. For myself and others. I’ve carried my own mistakes and the weight of those around me. I’ve seen the worst in friendships and the beauty in nitty gritty, raw, authentic relationships. I’ve blamed and shamed myself and others. I saw parts of myself I couldn’t believe were inside of me. What I’ve learned is the moment you start to believe you are immune to something is the moment you become the most susceptible to it. 

Sharing this part of me is terrifying. That’s why I have even more admiration for you as I read your stories. I believe in the power of storytelling. I believe in the power of transparency and the healing that comes with it. I believe our stories have the power to transform others, and if my pain and failure can help one person, I’ve done my job. Today is So Worth Lovings birthday and in the last 6 years of So Worth Loving, I’ve seen suicide prevented, self-harm addressed, rehabilitation being remitted, and recovery from divorce. I’ve seen people get out of bed for the first time because they decided depression would not hold them down any longer. 

Brene Brown says, “We are vessels for stories.” 

I’ve carried your stories with me. When my eyes encountered your stories of pain, I wept with you. When my ears heard your stories of victory, I celebrated with you. But when my world was completely flipped upside down, I struggled to be present in my own story. Because of that, I began to fracture and break.

I want to be careful with this, because my story is woven with another’s. I respect their story. I don’t know how to navigate this well, but I’m going to do the best I can to be as vulnerable with you as you have been with me, while also honoring another.

This year, I experienced heartbreak on a level I didn’t think was imaginable. I knew real heartbreak existed, but I didn’t know what it was like to physically feel a gaping hole in my heart. I didn’t know what it felt like for my spirit to shake and break.

The light I prayed for since I was in 7th grade, I watched slowly become dark. I’ve had people in my life who have gone through it, but I never experienced it like this. I guess I was naive. People have a tendency to do strange things in times of grief, and we all handle it differently. I experienced the 5 stages of grief. It was as though I was on a hamster wheel of grief and couldn’t get off. 

For me: 
I was in denial. 
I was confused. 
I was angry
Because of this, I began to isolate myself. 
I no longer saw myself as worthy of anything good. 
I self-pitied. 
I got physically sick.
I was faithless.
I was exhausted. 
I was gossiped about.
I was betrayed.
I was lied to. 
I lied. 
I was depressed
I carried guilt. 
I felt shame. 
I became numb. 

I was shutting down. I was blocking out any noise that contributed to the sounds in my head and the false whispers in my ears. When you are in a season of uncertainty, it’s easy to acquire everyone else’s beliefs as your own.

When I made the decision to end a marriage after 9 years, it became apparent who was no longer in my corner. I couldn’t take on their beliefs and let their judgments define me.

As you walk through life, you will encounter phases that require different levels of courage. But how do you take those first steps of courage without a "How To” manual? Christine Caine says “The first step of courage is cut away things that hold us back or hold us down.” So that’s what I began to do… 

I began to cut away the fear and allow myself to feel every single emotion. I began to cut away the feeling of shame and stop saying what I was feeling was “bad” or “wrong.” I began to let myself feel, so that I could begin to heal. I sought help and guidance from others who understood the level of pain I was experiencing. I learned that I didn’t need to be told that I was going to be okay, I needed to be told how I felt was okay. Through this past season, I discovered the depth of my well. I discovered the depth of my faith. 

I’m coming out of it ready to be an anchor for you like never before. Now I know I can sit with heartbreak and grief on a multitude of levels. While the circumstances will certainly be different, I know the emotion connected to it, and I will feel with you.

I will not ask if you found resolve yet. I will not rush you towards a solution. I will sit with you while you figure it out, and I will hold you up when you feel like falling down.

While the last season of my life has broken me down in so many ways, in my personal and in my business life, I’m so thankful to have found some of the most incredible humans who weren’t scared to walk alongside me. They challenged me, questioned my decisions, and loved on me so tenderly and patiently. I got to witness people who didn’t see me as my circumstance, but saw me as Eryn. The Eryn who failed them, yet they loved me anyway. Those same people didn’t give up on me, even when they felt uncomfortable to lean in, consistent in their word to stand by me. They let me talk too much, sometimes in circles about the same thing. They showed up on my door when I would ignore their texts or calls, never taking offense or believing it was a reflection of who they were, but simply a reflection of where my heart was. Hidden. They showed up because they knew sometimes getting out of bed and believing in yourself when your life has been hit by a tidal wave is so hard. They knew that one more expectation wasn’t something this heart could handle. 

These people are like you. Willing to catch the broken hearted and say “this is just temporary. This is not a punishment, it’s development.”

Now… 
I am thankful.
I am renewed.
I am inspired. 
I am taking ownership.
I am moving forward
I am ready. 
I am forgiving.
I am forgiven
I am faithful.
I am alive.
I am grateful.
I am healing.
I am so worth loving.

In this uncomfortable season, I learned an even deeper understanding of the phrase “so worth loving.” 

So Worth Loving started with you. It began with your belief in the importance of talking about our struggles so we may help someone else feel less alone in theirs. 

We were fortunate to grow quickly, but as my personal circumstances began to crumble, so did I. I found myself taking on more than I could handle. I found myself creating and building on the back end of logistics when I deeply desired to be on the front end talking, creating, laughing, crying, connecting, and loving with you. 

When I started So Worth Loving, it wasn’t to be a t-shirt company. It was to simply use apparel as an entry point to talk about self-worth. Because the conversation was our primary focus, we moved all of our inventory out of our office and into a 3rd party fulfillment facility a few months ago. This decision took me out of logistics and put me back in a space to dream a little bigger and get a little closer to all of you. It opened up our capacity to expand and set out to do what is closest to us - start conversations through apparel, where self-worth and self-care can be the emphasis. It will give us the space to create resources for you to be able to find the proper help and support that you need when looking for the right books, therapists, & safe communities near you.  

Again, I reminded myself: “The first step of courage is to cut away the things that are holding us back or holding us down.” -Christine Caine

After many phone calls, conversations, and emails, I decided to move out of our office space and SWL will no longer be behind walls, but outside the walls of a physical building like we once were. We are coming back to our roots and will continue to be online so we may focus on the areas that matter most. For those of you who don’t live in Atlanta, none of this will look any different than what you’re already used to — we’ll still see you online!

We will be going on tour this spring and partnering with Airstream for 6 weeks. While our fulfillment is in Ballground Georgia, I’ve settled on 16 acres in North Georgia where I will spend my time writing, creating, and listening to you. We are in the filing process of the So Worth Loving Foundation where we will be able to partner with college campus counselors and be their support in the mental health community. We are realigning. Recalibrating. Pivoting back to the basics. This season will be where we can get back to what we feel called to do, and that’s to be closer to you. 

Our heels are digging in deeper than ever before. We need you like never before. This next season will be a wild ride, and with every transition there is an opportunity to fail. But with failure comes the opportunity to learn more of who we are. 

I hope to be the Eryn who will make you proud, and I hope you will continue to love her and our team as well as you always have.

Will you join me in this next season of So Worth Loving?

Grammy Winner

¿Quien lo diría?

Today marks 6 years of “Por Vida” ♥️

”happy sunday//new baby alert”

Kali at the American Music Awards tonight.

Kali Uchis & Sza - Fue Mejor 9/29

Kali Uchis Shop

»Man könnte sagen, daß Don Quichotte die erste Gestalt in der Renaissanceliteratur ist, die durch ihr Handeln versucht, die Welt mit ihren eigenen Plänen und Ideen in Einklang zu bringen. Cervantes’ Ironie liegt in der Tatsache, daß sein Held zwar nach außen hin im Namen des Alten (des Feudalsystems) gegen das Neue (die ersten Erscheinungsformen bürgerlichen Lebens) kämpft, in Wirklichkeit aber versucht, einem neuen Prinzip Anerkennung zu verschaffen. Dieses Prinzip besteht seinem Wesen nach in der Autonomie individuellen Denkens und Fühlens. Die Dynamik der Gesellschaft führt zu der Forderung nach einer immerwährenden und aktiven Umgestaltung der Wirklichkeit; die Welt muß ständig neu gebaut werden. Don Quichotte schafft seine Welt neu, wenn auch in einer phantastischen und solipsistischen Weise. Die Ehre, für die er zu Felde zieht, ist das Produkt seines Denkens und nicht das Erzeugnis gesellschaftlich begründeter und anerkannter Werte. Er verteidigt die, die er seines Schutzes für würdig hält, und wendet sich gegen die, die ihm böse erscheinen. In diesem Sinne ist er sowohl Rationalist als auch Idealist. Trotz seiner feudalen Mitgift hat der Ritter einen weiteren Wesenszug mit dem modernen nachmittelalterlichen Menschen gemeinsam – die Einsamkeit. Seine Widersacher sind zwar auch isoliert, aber aus einem ganz anderen Grunde: ihre Atomisierung entspringt aus der Tatsache, daß jeder seine eigenen selbstischen Ziele verfolgt. Don Quichotte jedoch ist isoliert, weil er das Unmögliche möglich machen will: er will die Bösen niederhalten, die Gewalt abschaffen, die Menschen befreien und seine tiefe Liebe für das Menschliche in seiner Hingabe an Dulcinea verwirklichen.«

|||Leo Löwenthal,Das Bild des Menschen in der Literatur

What is cabin fever and why does isolation — being cooped up in one place too long — make us feel so bad? At Longreads, Kara Devlin shares six stories about loneliness and isolation to help connect us by reading.

Of course, isolation is not just found through a physical landscape. The most harrowing form of loneliness can occur in a crowded room. Edward Hopper famously explored the loneliness of living in the big city through paintings like “Nighthawks.” This ubiquitous depiction of urban isolation, a diner with no entrance and no exit, serves as a memorable illustration of loneliness. When you are inside of this feeling — the metaphorical diner if you will — there is no perceived beginning or end, and no consideration from those around you, as nothing exists beyond this world-swallowing experience.

I am drawn to the idea that reading can connect the isolated — that one story on loneliness can link together hundreds of confined minds to think, Maybe I’m not alone. The stories on this list do not just seek to analyze and dissect the effects of isolation; they serve as a powerful tool of connection.