#love poetry

“was it all in my head”

Sweet Dreams, TN - ishani 

I feel tired, 
I’m telling not showing, 
Shakespeare taught me nothing. 

I can talk about 
the hours i’ve laid awake 
staring at the ceiling, 
red eyes, puffy and 
dark rings under. 

The same 112 beat 
circling round in my head, 
a three hour journey down 
the M40; “Little Miss Sweet Dreams, 
Tennessee” just wishing that was me. 

The same 352 pages
beneath my fingertips tracing 
the ink stained words “Yes, why not” Why not? 
If not later when?

The same tune of 505 playing 
on repeat, the beat drops, 
it vibrates through my veins,
like the pulse under my skin, 
the feeling of a hematite crystal. 

“Do I dare disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time for decisions 
and revisions which a minute will reverse” 

I stare out the window, 
unblinking, and unmoving 
for hours on end, and I keep 
asking myself “what is wrong with me?” 

Many 2% drained out, 
shaking legs, spinning heads, 
and now I am thinking “am I 
depressed or just love deprived?” because 
I’m going back to 2018 where I 
live through the love in stories that people 
have written. Alex waited years for Orion, 
and they never did get their true happy ending. 

I imagine being in love, 
then I look at my life and realise, 
I know nothing of the sort 

I’ve listened to the same 808 
beat for years of my life and wonder, 
would it be worth it after all?

I am tired, 
I am telling not showing, 
even though T.S Eliot taught me everything, 
I’m too exhausted to remember. 

I’m sorry. 

Lilies - ishani 

He was like poetry
not in a way you would expect
it’s embarrassing really
how a one night thing can linger so long

But it was like someone
ripped the pages out of 
a poetry book 
built a better man out 
of the ink that I cried
and then built a gentleman

I guess maybe cause he 
looked beyond everything 
I’m insecure about about and 
still thought I was beautiful
and the way he asked before 
he kissed me because 
i was younger than he was; 
“I don’t want to do anything 
you’ll regret tomorrow” 

I didn’t regret anything
other than not going 
back quick enough for you 
to kiss me one last time 

Summer with a Pisces - ishani 

I once wrote a list of 
sixteen different things, 
oh Tommy why didn’t you
want me? Scared that 
you would leave me… 
but guess what, he 
already did.

It’s ironic now, 
that sliver of hope
left behind when 
you left me in the 
dust, that burden 
lingering around 
for months to come - 
and it did. 

Tommy who’s the 
piper now? While 
you’re messaging me 
pictures of girls when 
she’s not the one that you
want - and I’m many 
miles away, drinking 
prosecco  and smashing 
pinot gorigio wine bottles 
because the guy that 
I wanted was kissing me 
and no one else. 

I guess I should thank 
you for leaving me
well enough to not spend 
summer with a pisces, but 
learning to love myself 
just the smallest amount. 

So just come home - ishani

I watched an avalanche 
come crashing down, 
falling at the walls around me, 
and all I can do is stop and stare, 
because all these numbing emotions
falling around me, 
and I don’t know if I am angry 
or simply hating the creator.
Is it bad that I am angry 
at god, because these past
few months he hasn’t been 
there for me when I needed 
him the most?
Is it bad that I am 
losing faith in his entire existence 
because he has let me down 
countless times, leaving me
all empty and alone?
Where did you go!
I should know, but I’m lonely
and hurting, and losing my mind, 
so please come back and guide me, 
because I need you to be real, 
I need you to be here, 
I need you forever, 
because I don’t know who I am 
without you, a world without you
seems like an empty shot at all. 
Come back to me please, 
don’t leave me, 
come back to me in the place 
that you found me, all safe 
and soundly, 
just please come back home. 
It’s scary, the feeling of the walls
that are caving in and crashing down 
all around me, 
I am in an avalanche and I am screaming, 
but no one seems to hear me 
crying out for help, 
Don’t you get it? 
the early nights, the late mornings, 
the messy room and the urge to 
self deprecate, self sabotage, 
the comparison, the criticism, 
I need help god damn it, 
but not even he is here to guide me. 
He left me, 
and, and I can’t breath. 

Alexander’s Lover - ishani 

I’ve left you behind once before, 
millions of men before you came along, 
for the first time you were into me; 
how funny 

can’t remember where I left my pride, 
carried it for too long until you spoke to me; 
how funny 

“maybe I can be a better human with 
a new name” said she, well maybe I can 
be a better human in a new place 

I’ve buried my pride, 
and held it a funeral; 
how funny. I guess I’ll 
have to bury it again; 
only this time, I pied the piper. 

The devil will dance for us - ishani 

I know it’s not the same anymore,
but with this tremor in my hand,
because the whole world is watching,
but still with both eyes closed,
I’ll still dance for you,
but still with one eye open,
I’ll dance with you,
but still with both eyes open,
I’ll breath for you when
you need it the most,
and then we’ll run away
and leave behind the world,
if I could ask,
or even imply,
that a moment alone with you,
will be more than enough ,
so then I’ll write you a poem
or five, about this moment in time,
that you grabbed the sun for me,
because you wanted me to shine.

I hid these feelings for way too long - ishani 

Emotions come and go,
been told to avoid
‘em for way to long,
sick and tired of being
stuck between these
feelings for a long
while now, they’re either
confusing or
abusing,
and I’m stuck in the middle
of a screaming match between
you and my conscious,
and I know I’m wrong,
but she tells me I’m right,
so I think therefore I am.

The devil’s in me - ishani 

I keep having these bad days,
I’m sorry about that, I am.
I apologise about that, I do,
but it feels as though Satan
has me in chains and pulling me
back into that devil in me,
bed ridden and irritable,
and eating it all, before
I am holding a knife to my skin,
ready to end it all.
It’s happened once,
I’m scared it’ll happen
once more.

anathematize - ishani 

This seems like the tipping point to me
while nectar green falls from my eyes,
but I’m not sad, at least I can say that right?

Or am I bed bound with the hangover
of you, with the aftertaste in my heart
after chasing you lovingly,
still you left me sore and aching
for loving you too much.

This is more that just a curse,
because you condemned me into
being your very own martyr,
and happily I did so.  

“he wanted to know what her lips would feel like on his. he wanted to tuck her curls behind her ear when they fell in front of her perfect face. he wanted to wrap his arms around her delicate body. he wanted to comfort her when she cried and rub her back. he wanted to play her favourite song and dance around the kitchen. he wanted to here that goddamn laugh for the rest of his life, no matter what it took. he wanted to reach out and have her. how come it couldn’t be that easy?”

— parallels pt 1 (12:54 AM)

“i could drive around with you all night, listening to your shitty music and singing the words to each other. as long as i get to stare into those big brown eyes and watch you run your fingers through that curly brown hair, i will be eternally grateful.”

— thursday, june 4th, CL (chicago freestyle)

“we sat on the roof at 5 am and drank shitty coolers and as the sun began to rise, it felt like — even if only for a second — everything was going to be okay.”

People call

Abusive relationships

Toxic instead

Of abusive

Call it

How it is

Or people

Will desensitize it