#coping with anxiety
Things have been ok for the last few months in respect to mental health. My mother had been on pretty good behavior, at least for her anyway.
Though around the holidays she had a meltdown while driving and purposely tried to crash the car b/c we’d disagreed on something. Clearly that was terrifying but it’s not like it was the 1st time she’d done that. And thankfully she did not succeed.
It scares me that I can write that out with a straight face.
The last week she’s been acting like a complete gremlin. I know it’s because my birthday is coming up b/c she does this every year. She’s wicked for weeks and then enters all-out torture mode on my bday.
But I won’t give her the satisfaction. I have simply elected to no longer have a birthday. Or–at least not one I will tell anyone about.
And i don’t mean a party. I mean the actual date. It’s become a trigger for me. I have so many trauma anniversaries on or around it, that the whole month of February is something of a psychological mine field.
I get stressed out by seeing the days count down on the calendar. So I have decided that it’s just any other day and I will move my birthday, a day for celebrating being alive, elsewhere.
Just a reminder, you are NOT required to accept gifts and cards from people you’ve gone no-contact with, even if it’s your parents.
I just slapped ‘return to sender’ on a Christmas card from an abuser.
I’m not gonna let it ruin my day.
They treat you inhumanely and convince you everyone else has worse intentions.
Theyare the devil you know.
Once you’re finally able to go out into the world, you’ve been trained to see everything & everyone as a potential danger. You know nothing else.
& When you’re always silent & shaking like a leaf people are less likely to want to be your friend.
Because your fear is visible, you look scary to everyone else.
So you continue to be alone.
So much of being an abused kid is growing up to redefine your childhood.
And I’m not only talking about finally seeing your situation for what it was. I’m talking about reclaiming parts of your identity too.
So many of us had our ‘favorite things’ robbed from us. SO many of us were assigned a favorite color, favorite animal, favorite toy…We didn’t get to make that choice for ourselves. Our abusers tried to construct us into who they wanted us to be. It’s time to take back being you.
With the 4th of July just a few days away, please remember to take care of yourself if you struggle with loud sounds!!!
If you’re staying in:
- Headphones are your best friend!
- Make a playlist of relaxing music like classical or lofi to drown out fireworks.
- Play your favorite films!
- Prepare some favorite snacks & non-caffeinated drinks!
- Use plastic plates/ cups so there’s no loud sound/shards if knocked over
- Swaddle yourself in blankets!
If you’re going out:
- Headphones are also your best friend!
- If you don’t have internet/phone/or headphones, ask to borrow from a friend/sibling. (I’m sure they’ll understand)
- You can buy ear plugs at most Pharmacies like CVS or Rite-aid.You can also wear them under headphones for an advanced bumper.
- Makeshift ear plugs can be made of toilet paper or tissues.
- Remember to charge your phone incase you get separated from your group!!!
The 4th is on ⭑Thursday⭑ this year so make sure you prepare ahead of time incase of early fireworks.
As always stay hydrated (seriously it’s hot out there), remember to take your meds/ vitamins, & check on your loved ones if they are noise adverse (including animals)! And Please add on what you do to cope! It could help others more than you know!
Sometimes what you think is, “you being whiny,” is actually you doing the necessary work to grieve for & accept what happened to you.
With Mother & Father’s day coming up, please remember you are not required to be grateful to abusive parents. Please remember,
- Don’t break no-contact.
- Don’t let family guilt you into breaking no-contact.
- Don’t feel guilty for living w/ them as an adult, you’re doing your best.
- Don’t feel you’re betraying yourself if you have to give ‘appeasement gifts.’
- DO put your mental & physical wellbeing first, as we know they won’t.
- Maybe get yourself something, so many of us had to be our own parent anyway.
I’m really glad that so many people are finding this post helpful but it also absolutely breaks my heart that so many people can relate.
Stay strong & keep going you can do it!
It’s completely bizarre how quickly my mother cries at minor inconveniences. But yet, she went through years of physically & psychologically torturing me & I was expected the keep a straight face the whole time. It wasn’t “supposed” to effect me.
It’s just so strange being at a point when you realize you’re far more emotionally mature than your parents ever were & all the abusive behavior now has context.
They stopped maturing at an early age. They still solve problems by throwing tantrums and lashing out. They’re emotionally stuck as toddlers, maybe teenagers, at most. And they make no effort to improve themselves.
It’s just sad.
Because they’re stuck like that.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s no excuse for abusive behavior. I did my years of being furious at them. I know forgiveness is useless because they’re dangerous & I’m smart enough to keep my distance. But I’m at a point where I feel bad for them. Because they’re unstable and they don’t want to get better.
One awful thing about being raised by abusive parents is that they don’t teach you basic social etiquette & they isolate you so you can’t learn.
For years, maybe even decades you might do things that are rude, mean, or have bad connotations & you have NO clue because no one corrects you.
Everyone raised in a good home assumes it’s your nature to be weird & rude so no one says anything out of fear of confrontation. And when someone DOES say something, it’s almost never somebody who corrects you gently. It’s almost always someone who explodes at you.
Then you get confused as to whether you’re actually wrong or that person was just a jerk who likes to yell at people.
My town is on lockdown & I’ve been stuck inside with my mother for 3 days…
it’s going…..it sure is.
After the first morning of her being home she was already acting like a troll ready to club someone over the head. I was just sitting there quietly trying not to lose it. Oh and my headphones died the first day so I have to listen to her screech at the tv 24/7.
Hopefully the closures only last for the minimum of 2 weeks time & not the max. time of over a month.
I’m getting really frustrated because my health issues keep relapsing. I’ve been in physical therapy for over 6 months now & every time I almost recover, it’s like my body hits the reset button and I have to start over.
I was doing really great the last few weeks and then all of a sudden I’m getting dizzy again & can’t do almost anything besides lay in bed all day. I’ve accidentally broken a bunch of things because I’m pushing myself too hard & end up knocking things over.
This is the 2nd relapse I’ve had & it’s starting to sink in that I might never get better. I might be like this for the rest of my life . Stuck living w/ my abusive mother, unable to do basic things. Unable to do what I love.
I don’t want to get too deep into it but I’m even more pissed b/c we finally found the cause of my issues & it’s likely a result of something my mother caused. Now I’m basically getting flashbacks to being a teen b/c she used to tell me, “I’ll keep you here forever & never let you leave,” ….& that’s exactly what’s happening. It’s my worst fear.
February-April are bad mental health months for me as it is & her behavior has been bad recently. Once she kept screaming at me to come downstairs, knowing how dizzy I was. She announced excitedly she’d bought my favorite food for dinner, only to say I couldn’t have any & mock me when I got upset.
She sits downstairs & treats any sound I make like a source of entertainment. I sneeze, drop something? She lets out an incredibly fake, boisterous laugh & mocks me for making noise. It’s such bizarre behavior & she. doesn’t. stop. I can’t do anything without her commentary. When asked to stop she goes feral.
My life has been one trauma after another & every time I try to improve it something worse happens. Now I have to watch as people who tortured me my whole life travel, get married, & live it up. As I can only stay in bed as my body continues to get weaker. It’s just not fair. It feels like I’m being punished for being born. I just want a normal life. A quiet one where my body works right & I don’t get abused. I’m starting to think I’ll never get that.
Anyway I’m not in a good place right now & just needed to vent it out. I’ll be ok but I’m just really frustrated.
Only after I realized how seriously abusive my family was, did I understand that others thanking their own families for “love & support,” wasn’t just some cheesy gesture.
It never dawned on me that other parents are a very real safety net for their kids & not demons behind closed doors.
I’m a mess
However, I’m the colourful one
