#coping with abuse

It just pisses me off that my parents purposely screwed me over, never teaching me any valuable life skills & abusing & neglecting me until I was scared of everything, all because they wanted a perfectly obedient live-in servant. And when I finally started to advocate for myself, they realized they’d failed and tried to kill me.

Things have been ok for the last few months in respect to mental health. My mother had been on pretty good behavior, at least for her anyway. 

Though around the holidays she had a meltdown while driving and purposely tried to crash the car b/c we’d disagreed on something. Clearly that was terrifying but it’s not like it was the 1st time she’d done that. And thankfully she did not succeed.

 It scares me that I can write that out with a straight face. 

The last week she’s been acting like a complete gremlin. I know it’s because my birthday is coming up b/c she does this every year. She’s wicked for weeks and then enters all-out torture mode on my bday.

But I won’t give her the satisfaction. I have simply elected to no longer have a birthday. Or–at least not one I will tell anyone about.  

And i don’t mean a party. I mean the actual date. It’s become a trigger for me. I have so many trauma anniversaries on or around it, that the whole month of February is something of a psychological mine field. 

 I get stressed out by seeing the days count down on the calendar. So I have decided that it’s just any other day and I will move my birthday, a day for celebrating being alive, elsewhere.  

Just a reminder, you are NOT required to accept gifts and cards from people you’ve gone no-contact with, even if it’s your parents.

I just slapped ‘return to sender’ on a Christmas card from an abuser. 

I’m not gonna let it ruin my day.

Since the holidays are upon us, just remember to take care of yourself.

I know the holidays are hard. I know some families act worse than monsters. 

I know a lot of people don’t have anyone to rely on. 

But if you can’t do anything else, please be kind to yourself.

They treat you inhumanely and convince you everyone else has worse intentions.

Theyare the devil you know.

Once you’re finally able to go out into the world, you’ve been trained to see everything & everyone as a potential danger. You know nothing else.

& When you’re always silent & shaking like a leaf people are less likely to want to be your friend.

Because your fear is visible, you look scary to everyone else. 

So you continue to be alone.

Reminder not to be lulled into a false sense of security by your abusers.

So much of being an abused kid is growing up to redefine your childhood.

And I’m not only talking about finally seeing your situation for what it was. I’m talking about reclaiming parts of your identity too.

So many of us had our ‘favorite things’ robbed from us. SO many of us were assigned a favorite color, favorite animal, favorite toy…We didn’t get to make that choice for ourselves. Our abusers tried to construct us into who they wanted us to be. It’s time to take back being you.

Sometimes what you think is, “you being whiny,” is actually you doing the necessary work to grieve for & accept what happened to you.

I know it was a bit ago, BUT a little update on how mother’s day went this year:

My sibling and I, for the past few years, gave our abusive mother appeasement gifts. Mostly because I’d likely get physically & verbally attacked if we didn’t. 

This year was different. We didn’t do a single thing for her. Both of us are just completely fed up with her.

Thankfully it was a cold & rainy day, so she slept most of it. Only exploding at me once about something ‘unrelated’ (yeah sure). But she got nothing because she deserved nothing. 

If you’re living in an abusive home & aren’t able to leave or aren’t ready yet, it’s perfectly okay & there is nothing wrong with you for staying put & waiting it out.

It is often safer to stay put, gather your resources & keep a roof over your head until you are ready to go.

It does NOT make you ‘weak’ or 'lazy’ or 'not trying hard enough.’

It’s okay to process your situation at your own pace.

It’s completely bizarre how quickly my mother cries at minor inconveniences. But yet, she went through years of physically & psychologically torturing me & I was expected the keep a straight face the whole time. It wasn’t “supposed” to effect me.

It’s just so strange being at a point when you realize you’re far more emotionally mature than your parents ever were & all the abusive behavior now has context.

They stopped maturing at an early age. They still solve problems by throwing tantrums and lashing out. They’re emotionally stuck as toddlers, maybe teenagers, at most. And they make no effort to improve themselves.

 It’s just sad.

Because they’re stuck like that.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s no excuse for abusive behavior. I did my years of being furious at them. I know forgiveness is useless because they’re dangerous & I’m smart enough to keep my distance. But I’m at a point where I feel bad for them. Because they’re unstable and they don’t want to get better.

My town is on lockdown & I’ve been stuck inside with my mother for 3 days…

it’s going…..it sure is.  

After the first morning of her being home she was already acting like a troll ready to club someone over the head. I was just sitting there quietly trying not to lose it. Oh and my headphones died the first day so I have to listen to her screech at the tv 24/7. 

Hopefully the closures only last for the minimum of 2 weeks time & not the max. time of over a month. 

I’m getting really frustrated because my health issues keep relapsing. I’ve been in physical therapy for over 6 months now & every time I almost recover, it’s like my body hits the reset button and I have to start over.

I was doing really great the last few weeks and then all of a sudden I’m getting dizzy again & can’t do almost anything besides lay in bed all day. I’ve accidentally broken a bunch of things because I’m pushing myself too hard & end up knocking things over. 

This is the 2nd relapse I’ve had & it’s starting to sink in that I might never get better. I might be like this for the rest of my life . Stuck living w/ my abusive mother, unable to do basic things. Unable to do what I love.

I don’t want to get too deep into it but I’m even more pissed b/c we finally found the cause of my issues & it’s likely a result of something my mother caused. Now I’m basically getting flashbacks to being a teen b/c she used to tell me, “I’ll keep you here forever & never let you leave,” ….& that’s exactly what’s happening. It’s my worst fear. 

February-April are bad mental health months for me as it is & her behavior has been bad recently. Once she kept screaming at me to come downstairs, knowing how dizzy I was. She announced excitedly she’d bought my favorite food for dinner, only to say I couldn’t have any & mock me when I got upset. 

She sits downstairs & treats any sound I make like a source of entertainment. I sneeze, drop something? She lets out an incredibly fake, boisterous laugh & mocks me for making noise. It’s such bizarre behavior & she. doesn’t. stop. I can’t do anything without her commentary. When asked to stop she goes feral.

My life has been one trauma after another & every time I try to improve it something worse happens. Now I have to watch as people who tortured me my whole life travel, get married, & live it up. As I can only stay in bed as my body continues to get weaker. It’s just not fair. It feels like I’m being punished for being born. I just want a normal life. A quiet one where my body works right & I don’t get abused. I’m starting to think I’ll never get that.

Anyway I’m not in a good place right now & just needed to vent it out. I’ll be ok but I’m just really frustrated.