#polyamory
“Hey… I say this because I’m your friend and I care about you… I saw your wife with another man yesterday.”
“Oh, yeah, that was probably her boyfriend.”
Love this. Chandler would so say something like that.
That’s a downside of not being open- being seen by someone we know while out with our non-spouse and assumptions being made that we’re cheating. I refuse to let that get in the way of just being ourselves when we’re out together, though.
I know our neighbors have to wonder what the hell is going on. I’m sure they’ve seen me kiss Ross goodbye, and they know Chandler is my husband. I’d hate for them to think I was having an affair, but I can’t exactly yell over the fence, “Hey Viktor! Come over and meet by boyfriend!” Well, I guess I could…..
Chandler (hubby) and Ross (boyfriend, although I hate using that word for him, ) hung out tonight while Rachel wasn’t feeling well and I was out of town for work. That’s nothing really new, but I love when they have bro time together. Hubby texted me, “thanks for loaning me your boyfriend tonight.” I really do love my life and my people.
You know you have something pretty damn great when you’re wrapped up in your boyfriend’s arms in your bed on a Sunday morning and your husband walks in (coming home from his sleepover with Rachel) and says “oh, hey, guys, just getting my work clothes, I’ll be outta here in 30 seconds.” I love my love and I love my polycule.
(As a side note, Ross and I were like, “it’s not what it looks like!” and then laughed hysterically because it’s exactly what it looks like.)
Intentionally family
It’s the holidays. Thoughts turn to family, etc. I have to admit, this is an interesting year for me. My parents are both gone, and with the exception of one cousin, I’m pretty estranged from my family. My husband’s family hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve maintained a relationship. Different points of view, different ways of approaching my son’s autism and my daughter’s outspoken nature haven’t made it easy. With my husband’s parents’ advancing age, we’ve been spending more time with his side of the family. Including yesterday’s Thanksgiving. Each time, I saw him spend a full day mentally gearing up for the visit….and hours in exhausted silence decompressing after. It’s worthy of note that his brother and brother in law said not a word to him during the entire meal, not even a hello. And his brother in-law shuttled our niece out so quickly after dinner was done none of us could speak to her. When we got home, both adult kids and my husband went into separate rooms for several hours to decompress. And I found myself wondering if it was all worth it.
As we were sitting at our Thanksgiving dinner, my kids’ conversation turned briefly to Christmas. In hushed and paused conversation, they asked if their “other family” could be included in some of our celebrations this year. We’ve been out to our kids almost since the beginning, and since moving within a mile-ish of each other last year, our kids have gotten close. When we got back last night, I couldn’t wait to see them-my real family. The family that I get to choose everyday. We talked about that last night. My girlfriend asking me how I felt on days like Thanksgiving without my big family. I used to miss it. I did. But knowing that I can have a family of love rather than a family that leaves you exhausted doesn’t make me miss it anymore.
It took me a long time to understand that, just because people share your genetic material, it doesn’t mean you have to spend time with them or even like them. It’s not like you got to choose your biological family. If you weren’t related, would they be people you’d hang out with or talk to? If the answer is NO, then you should have no obligation to do so just because you’re related.
Family can be chosen, and chosen families are often better than those of the biological variety. You see and spend time with them because you want to, not because a holiday (or a guilt trip) obligates you to be with them.
This is a post from a poly FB group I’m in (reposted with permission). How magnificent is that?! Why can’t everyone be this accepting?
Hierarchies
We practice hierarchal polyamory; we each have 20+ years with our spouses, kids, finances, homes, etc., so it’s only natural that our relationships are hierarchal.
I love both Chandler and Ross like crazy (Rachel, too, of course) and they’re both so important to me. I don’t like having to rank them as husband vs boyfriend. Husband gets these privileges, boyfriend only gets these. On the flip side, I’m sometimes envious of Rachel, wishing I could have some of the wife privileges she gets.
The glass ceiling that our type of polyamory brings is the one downside for me. There’s only so far we can go. It’s so ingrained in me that you meet someone, fall in love, and follow a certain progression in the relationship. That happens to an extent in poly, but then there’s a hard stop where there’s no further you can really go. Speaking for myself, my feelings don’t hit the hard stop, though, so it’s tough. You want more, but there is no more.
If that’s my biggest complaint, then I’m pretty lucky, though. I take what I can get, and, overall, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I wouldn’t trade this for the world.
Catching up
It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. I have so many drafts, but I never seem to get them perfected enough to post.
A brief run down of the last couple of months:
Our little polycule is as happy and healthy as ever. 2 of the kids are back at college, 1 got her own apartment, and 1 finished his degree and is hopefully finding his own place in the next year. This opens up Ross’ and Rachel’s house to sleep overs. It’s kind of a big deal; Chandler and I have “a drawer,” so to speak. Our kid is comfortable with our relationship but not as uncomfortable knowing we’re having guests, so we wait till he works late at his second job every other weekend then we house swap.
Our latest rehab is a multi unit Airbnb and is almost finished. It’ll double as our 2nd home (when not rented out, anyway). 1 unit will be Ross’ and mine, the other will be Chandler’s and Rachel’s. I’m pretty fucking excited about that. It’s as close as we each will get to having “our own place.”
Next week, we all head to Riviera Maya for 7 fanfuckingtastic nights in an all inclusive paradise. We’ll split the sleeping arrangements 3-3 with 1 night TBD. Maybe that’ll be a night of all 4?
The E word (exclusivity) has been floated by in a couple of conversations, but that’s a whole post on its own (in my drafts folder).
We were almost interviewed by CBS for a polyamory documentary, but production decided not to come to our city. That would have been interesting to do. We’d love to see more positive media coverage on non monogamy instead of most of the salacious, sister-wife bullshit that’s usually the spin on these shows.
My heart is so full and happy with these 3 amazing humans. I’m fully aware of how fucking lucky I am and don’t take a minute of this life for granted.
Yay for Polyamory
Reason #zillion that polyamory is pretty fucking awesome: Ross plays softball. Rachel hates going to softball games. I fucking love it. Plus it’s kinda fun to show up and let Ross’ coworkers wonder who the hell I am.
Agh, this makes me so excited!! My very own place to keep my stuff in my loves’ bathroom/bedroom. They even filled one with a starter kit . I love them so much. ❤️❤️
The only thing I’d change about us is that I’d meet you sooner so I could love you longer.
Skipping the party
The 4 of us were invited to a post pride party this weekend. The host posted that “it’s our 1st LS party!” I might be really a little naive, because I thought it meant the 1st party at their new house where the guests just happen to be LS friends.
When the hostess started posting pics of the play areas, the penis piñata, and condom/wipe station, I realized, ohhhhh…THAT kind of LS party. Which is cool, too, but…..
There was a time that Chandler and I would’ve been super excited to hit up this party, and eagerly checking out the guest list to see who we might hook up with.
Now, however, we’re just so happy and content with Ross and Rachel, and the party scene has lost its appeal. We still love hanging out with our swinger friends, and making out with them is fun, but none of us really have that desire to hook up with them.
We’re all kinda just with each other right now, but we’re not exclusive and probably will never designate our status as such. That eases my anxiety that Ross and Rachel won’t ever feel tied down. But for now, we’re all pretty damn happy to skip the house play parties.
unethical non-monogamy
made this post in r/hijabis but I haven’t gotten a response, so I’m taking to tumblr! I’d appreciate some feedback please, thank you!
promptsforthestrugglingauthor:
Writing Prompt #1949
“Well, I mean, you could just marry both of us.”
“You…you guys do that here?”
“You don’t?”
HELL YEAH PANSEXUAL POLYAMORY RIGHTS
i/me/myself
It’s always so interesting seeing people’s reactions in class - almost as interesting as the ideas we’re studying. Personally, I don’t particularly agree with the idea of polyamory and I think the logic behind it is very interesting. Again, I think that its presence as a “deviant” social convention forces those involved in it to be particularly thoughtful and intentional in their construction of the “system” of polyamorous relationships. However, as with BDSM relationships, I think the benefits of polyamorous relationships should be available in all relationships; it’s just that both relationships have set-ups that make particular types of edgework more necessary, and there are many types of edgework that are very beneficial to both individuals and relationships but because most folks don’t appreciate going out of their comfort zone, they will never voluntarily engage in those types of engagement (which is really self-development).
That said, I do want to give a defense of monogamous relationships as a response to “Polyamory or Polyagony” because I think it’s important to contend with the ideas at an argumentative-logic level, rather than an instinctive cultural reactive level. Polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry all have purposes in fulfilling specific needs that are largely unmet by many “normative” relationship styles. Shared physical and emotional resources can be really helpful to individuals’ wellbeing. The two women in the polygamous relationship clearly found each other a major asset, emotionally and relationally. And, as mentioned in class, pragmatically, having two women engaged in housework and childcare lessens the load by a lot. Similarly, if some individuals have large sex drives or emotional needs that are not fulfilled by their primary partner, it can be incredibly difficult and unfulfilling in a monogamous relationship if the two are not willing to work it out.
However, the argument for polyamory seems to hang a lot on the idea of self-development and self-fulfillment, even as being in a polyamorous relationship requires a lot of “selflessness” at times. The focus of the articles has been on the issue of jealousy, which is portrayed as almost a goal of polyamory: to eradicate jealousy within relationships and replace it with compersion. Whether this arises because jealousy is the biggest threat to a polyamorous relationship or because polyamorous individuals see jealousy as an interpersonal and relational flaw of monogamy for which polyamory is the “cure” remains to be seen.
Deri goes so far as to distinguish fait accompli jealousy and envy as two different emotions and describes jealousy as having more personal roots, coming out of insecurity and fear of the relationship being threatened. I both agree and disagree with this interpretation. While I do think jealousy may come from the feeling that a relationship is threatened, I don’t think it has to come from insecurity. I think it can come out of an idea of agreement and trespass in terms of valuing a relationship. Even if I feel secure in my relationship, there are moments when I am jealous for my significant other’s time, not because I feel threatened necessarily, but simply because, “I really wish you were here right now, I miss you.” Sometimes he’s just doing homework. Do I feel threatened by his being a student? Maybe? That’s certainly possible. But I think it can also come out just wanting more - and maybe that’s selfish, but I think the heart wants what the heart wants, and we all have desires. Rather than rerouting our desires, I think it’s better to be upfront about them and contend with them. So I agree that we should certainly deal with jealousy, but I disagree with the model that it has to come from a fear of rejection or inadequacy.
The primary hinge of polyamory comes from their disconnection of love and exclusivity, which, honestly, I think is an arbitrary decision. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but I don’t think you can argue that one is better or worse: it’s a decision to define love a different way, and it’s usually motivated by some desire that one wants to fulfill.
Same thing with monogamy: I believe love is exclusive because I need, I desire a degree of exclusive romantic attention, and so that is part of my definition of love. They’re really just two different, rather arbitrary definitions to fulfill different purposes. Monogamy happens to align with the things I prioritize in a relationship.
Certainly there are many frustrations and difficulties of monogamous relationships - that cannot be denied. Maintaining a successful relationship takes a considerable amount of effort, which not everyone commits to or understands the necessity of. “Alternate” models of love often are created, not just to “combat” institutional binds or inequalities but also as remedies for some traditional inequities and dilemmas - but I think the solutions they offer are just as viable within traditional relationships as outside, and often times, because they require more attention in a “normal” relationship, are actually better for an individual’s self-development as a human being if and only if people are WILLING to invest the time and effort it takes. Which, considering honestly it will often make you a better person who is better at LIFE in general, I’m always shocked at the resistance to intentional living. But, that might just be me…
So here’s a little life update. I’m in a polygamous triad now and I’m crazy in love with these boys. It’s a whole new experience for me, and I’m loving every bit of it. Love is such a funny thing and a little scary, but boy did it catch me off guard this year in a wonderful way! I love you boys so much ❤️
anonymous asked: Hey hey hey! Can i get some Polyamorous/Lesbian Jade Icons? Thanks a bunch!
hey hey hey yourself, anon! i hope you dont mind but i recolored the polyamorous flag slightly - if you want it (without the filters or anything) feel free to drop an ask!
:33< mod nep
