#mentally fucked

idk about ‘be gay, do crimes’ but i’m definitely 'queer and mentally ill’

i feel so little inside i’m physically aching.

some fear foods that I have:

peanut butter (more than 1 tbsp)

cereal (makes me bloat)

dairy milk

donuts

granola

pancakes

white bread

chocolate/coconut keto chunks (SO many cal)

soda

any type fast food (besides chipotle)

oil

butter (in large quantity)

cake

any meat that’s not lean/healthy

orange juice

pizza

sugary energy drinks

syrup

fried shrimp

mozzarella sticks

box mac n cheese

yogurt (low fat greek yogurt safe tho)

coffee creamer

salad dressing

frosting

oreos

i have problems :)))

my anxiety is eating me alive from the inside out

i feel like crying but i can’t cuz i’m on antidepressants

Just a post and apology to my friends and readers on tumblr. I know I have challenges to write for and things to update but my bipolar and BPD has been so bad recently that I fell into a dark mind frame of feeling like I was the cause of everyone’s problems, that I had no purpose or value in this world and all the while being the main source of care for my great niece who is only 3. It’s been a really hard few weeks and I’ve barely been about online. I’m lucky to have the family I do. I am sort of back on here now and will start going through the inbox soon. Sending love and hugs to everyone xx

when you get sent to hospital so you sit there in silence because you don’t know what the fuck your suppose to say-

might sell my life on the black market seeing as i can’t look after it myself lmaoooo

taking drugs to make me sleep after taking drugs to make me awake

health: …

i want to crawl back into the dirt from which i was made. im tired and alone. back to the earth is where i belong. there are no warm arms and a chest for me to lay upon with content and happiness. i am full of words and song, but im surrounded by no one. i could set up a mirror and have more engaging conversations with the girl who stares back.

I’m somewhere between here:

and here:

it’s funny. the girl that made me realise, that I am bisexual and was my first love is married. to the girl that hates me because of an incident she wasn’t even involved in. 

don’t get me wrong. I am in a relationship and happy. it’s just funny. 

I can’t sleep through the night for weeks now.. It’s normal for me to wake up at least one to two times a night.. but now it’s like 5 times a night?! And I have terrible nightmares for a whole week now..

I just wanna sleeeeeep plssss.. I am fxck tired x.x

Fun fact about me:

I always thought that I am the problem and got into this mental illness mess thing over 13 years ago. Never listened to others when they told me that it’s my parents fault and just blamed myself all the time.

Now my little sister suffers as well from mental illness issues. She is 14, the same age I was when everything went down for me. She sees a professional to help her through that..

And I hate myself for moving far away last year. I lived in the next city to my family for 7 years and last year I decided I need more space between me and my parents.

Never thought once about my siblings because we aren’t really close.. but now I wish we would be because I want to help her. Because I know exactly what the problem is. I was in the same position.

Fuxk -.-

don’t know why… but nowadays I fall for real skiny guys… 

I’m here for all the people who have been abused in the past and now flinch when people move to fast and get scared when people talk to loud/shout and have become overall really jumpy especially when the people around them find out they are jumpy and then do it just to mess with them and think it’s funny when they get scared and when they jump and I’m here for the people who are too scared or polite or shy to ask people to STOP and it’s not funny and or explain that it’s because of trauma and it’s not something to do because it amuses you. I’m here for the people who have to go through it every day without fail. Itll be okay, I support you and I understand.

If you find someone who you are friends with or someone who you just passively know, and you find out they are jumpy/skittish, dont be an asshole and exploit it. Its not funny, it can be terrifying to them. Dont be rude. Dont scare them on purpose. It’s not hard to not be cruel.

Inside hospitals you can physically perceive death as a concrete creature, basically standing bere beside you, watching silently, and waiting.

It’s here, breathing, polluting the air like a contagious virus, and suddenly you feel it infecting you as well.

You feel death.

You can even touch it.

And suddenly, it can touch you too.