the battle of hogwarts, except draco malfoy stands up to voldemort in the courtyard scene. (draco x reader) beware: big angst
trigger warning: violence, gore, major character death
‘And now is the time to declare yourself. Come forward and join us.’
A pause. Two words, spat out with venom into the cold morning air.
‘Or die.’
Draco fixes his gaze on the rubble before him as Voldemort’s serpent eyes pan the crowd. His body swims with the exhaustion of sleepless nights, while his mind is forced to stay alert to the danger that he is once again in. He doesn’t want to fight anymore.
‘Draco.’ His father’s rasp breaks the heavy silence. Heads turn to stare accusingly at him, and Draco feels a small flutter of hope that is replaced by a heavy weight in his chest as he realises the head he most longs to see is not there.
What if you’re dead?
He doesn’t want to think about it.
He would never forgive himself.
‘Draco.’ His father, again, this time more desperate. More heads turn to look, none of them yours.
Draco finally dares look up, his sight travelling past the cloaked figure that has haunted him for the past few years and landing on his father. Lucius Malfoy, with his bloodshot eyes, dishevelled robes and straggly blonde hair, is a sad imitation of his former self.
Draco hates him.
He hates Voldemort too, and his stupid movement. He doesn’t want to go.
But he is terrified, afraid of what he knows Voldemort is capable of, afraid of what he has seen in those long grisly days at Malfoy Manor. He sees the green light hitting Professor Snape’s colleague square in the chest and her falling with a sullen thud onto the wood. He sees the snake sliding up the table too, past his trembling hands, and opening its fanged mouth and devouring her whole, blood and bones and guts covering where he used to eat his dinners as a child. He sees his aunt’s blade opening up Hermione Granger’s arm.
When his mother - his mother, who he still loves, even after everything - speaks his name, softly like she had done when he was younger and less scarred, Draco’s resolve disappears. Everything else blurs until all he can see is her platinum blonde head, and he lifts one foot and takes a step onto the rubble in front of him, and then another, until a hand reaches out from behind him and grabs him by the wrist.
And there you are, weak from the night’s fighting, tears staining your cheeks, but with eyes as bright as stars because you are alive, wonderously, gloriously alive.
‘Draco.’
For the third time, someone speaks his name, and Draco takes in the sight of you, who he’s loved since fourth year, who he’s continued to love despite your ending it due to his involvement with Voldemort. Evidently you must still have some feeling left towards him, otherwise you wouldn’t be doing this.
He’d looked for you in the battle, before and after the fire in the Room of Requirement, heart leaping when he caught sight of people who could’ve been you, but weren’t. This went on for the rest of night, and in the heat and terror and waves of dead bodies that were too many to count, Draco had slowly given up hope.
'I thought you were dead.’
'Draco, don’t do this.’
Your hand continues to grip his wrist tightly, nails digging into soft skin. People are staring, and Narcissa Malfoy calls once again for her son, the sharp edge of fear creeping into her tone.
'I don’t want to,’ he chokes.
'Then don’t,’ you whisper. 'You’re better than this.’ You indicate with a shaking hand towards Voldemort and his followers. 'You’re better than him, than them -’
'I’m not.’
'You are. And - and you wanna know why?’
Draco stands still. The only part of him that moves are his grey eyes, stormy with turmoil and guilt. Then he begins to turn his head to look back at his parents. You reach out and place a trembling hand on his cheek, and gently guide his eyes to stare back into yours.
'Because they’ve made their choices,’ you say. 'They chose, some longer ago than others, to hurt people because of who they were. They chose to inflict pain. They chose to ruin lives. They’ve already chosen the path they want to take, and have covered a lot already. Most of them even seem to enjoy it.’
Grey eyes, stormy eyes, eyes beginning to fill with tears -
'I don’t think you would enjoy it.’
'Draco!’ Narcissa and Lucius, together this time.
'My parents,’ he whimpers, sounding like a little boy again.
You keep your hand pressed to his cheek. You can feel his blood pumping under his skin: warm, hot, pureblood, blood which isn’t at all different from anyone else’s.
'This is your choice. Your parents cannot make it for you.’
A grey sky above a grey castle covered in grey rubble, Harry lying dead in Hagrid’s arms -
'They made theirs a long time ago. Don’t suffer for them anymore. God knows you’ve suffered enough.’
You take your palm off his cheek; you’ve said all you can say. Draco is free now.
'Draco.’ A fourth speaker sounds his name in a soft snarl, and this time it is Voldemort himself. He is growing impatient - he is not making a request. It is a command, for Draco to decide. For Draco to choose.
He pulls his eyes away from yours. You don’t know what he is going to do. You have never been able to read him, not really, not even when you look into his soul through grey windows.
’Draco…’
A final warning. A sharp intake of breath from the crowd, and strangled screams are ripped from both Lucius and Narcissa’s throats.
The man turns around, and looks deep into Lord Voldemort’s snake eyes.
Draco Malfoy is shaking with terror, but he somehow manages to keep his voice steady.
'No.’
A gasp from the crowd, an angry hiss from Voldemort, and Lucius Malfoy begins to plead.
'My lord, he is just a boy - he does not understand what he is saying - the gravity of his words -’
Voldemort ignores him. He continues to stare at Draco, who stands his ground despite wanting the earth to give out underneath him. He imagines the flash of green light again, the dull thud, the snake -
’What did you say?’
The Slytherin common room, the thrill of Quidditch matches, Butterbeers at the Three Broomsticks, laughter with you -
’No.’
Narcissa Malfoy speaks, her soft voice brave in the cold air. 'My lord - please.’
Voldemort raises the Elder Wand -
'My lord, please!’
I’m so sorry, mother. I had to do this. I had to do it
You grab Draco’s sweaty hand and quickly lace your fingers with his, because if he is going to die, surely you will too, and you want to go with him. You want to go with the man who made the right choice, if only at the very end.
Voldemort begins to say the spell and you grip Draco’s hand tighter, but just as you’ve prepared to die something in the Dark Lord’s face changes and he whips around.
The bolt of green light hits Narcissa Malfoy square in the chest, and she falls with a sullen thud onto the cold stone floor.
Someone screams. Draco lets go of your hand and runs to his mother, Voldemort’s inhuman laugh echoing in both your ears -
This will hurt him far more than him dying ever could.
You want to run to Draco but your legs have turned to jelly and you can’t breathe. All you can comprehend is the sound of him howling, and you’ve never heard anything like it in your life. You shove your hands over your ears to no avail. Raw, ragged, animal screams of pain sound out in the courtyard of Hogwarts.
Guilt and heartbreak descend upon you, and they’re heavy, so heavy that it hurts. You sink down under the gazes of the onlookers, the vision of three blonde heads, one of them lolling lifelessly on the stone - oh god - blocked from your view. Not even Harry jumping from Hagrid’s arms and the chaos that ensues cause you to rise from your sitting position.
Eventually you feel strong grips under your arms and Neville Longbottom pulls you into the Great Hall, putting the grey courtyard out of your sight.
hello hello, I am finally motivated to write fanfic again! I’ve just begun a long (and obviously angsty) HP WIP on ao3, which I’m not going to post here bc of its length. but if you’re interested, the first chapter is up to read on my account now:
final one! i hate this update sm but thanks for reading. read ‘the leaky cauldron’ and ‘illicit affairs’ before embarking.
trigger warning: ptsd, nightmares, alcoholism, violence, trauma, major character death
The shadow covers me The sky above a blaze that only lovers see Amy Winehouse, ‘Tears Dry On Their Own’
Ron looks like someone’s punched him in the gut. The anger and betrayal and pain that burn through his eyes make Hermione wish the ground would swallow her whole.
It’s over, it’s over, my friends, Ron, Harry, everyone and everything I fought for, it’s over, it’s finished -
It’s Draco who speaks first. ‘Weasley, listen -’
‘Shutup,Malfoy, you bastard -’ Spit flies from Ron’s mouth, and tears well in his honest eyes. He’s reaching for his wand -
‘No!’ Hermione screams. In her panic, she lets the bedsheet that she’s been clutching to herself fall. Gooseflesh covers her body but she’s warm from embarrassment as she gathers the sheet up again. Ron’s eyes don’t stray from her face, not for one second. They look so lost, and so sad, and oh god, what have we done?
Draco’s fumbling into a pair of scruffy trousers.
‘Hermione -’ Ron’s voice cracks.
She’s crying now. ‘Ron, I’m so sorry -’
‘How long?’
She can’t answer, because she knows the answer is toolong.
‘It was when you started staying here overnight, wasn’t it?’
‘What’s it to you, Weasley -’ All of a sudden, he’s the same Draco that picked on her at school.
‘SHUT UP, MALFOY!’ Ron roars, brandishing his wand, and suddenly Draco’s whipped his out too, and they’re going to fight, they’re going to kill each other, and it’s all my fault -
‘NO!’ Hermione screams again. Ron drops his wand a little at this, and Draco, now back to herDraco, touches her shoulder gently. His hand is shaking.
‘We can leave, Granger. We could leave this all behind, us two together, I know you’re not happy -’
‘Oh, it’s Grangernow, is it?’ Ron yells. ‘No more MUDBLOOD?’
Draco flinches, and Ron notices. He laughs bitterly. ‘You might - you might feel bad about it now, but that doesn’t mean you can just erase all the hateful things you said to her -’
‘Ron!’ Hermione’s voice is high and shrill. The tears are a waterfall now, and Draco’s hand is still on her shoulder, and she never wants it to leave.
Ron’s face crumples. ‘Why him?’He whispers. ‘When the waitress who worked here told me, I didn’t - I didn’t believe it. But I had to see for myself - Hermione, why? He was horribleto you for years - he fought for fucking VOLDEMORT, for fuck’s sake!’
Oh god oh god oh god
Hermione pushes the urge to throttle the bloody waitress out of her mind and focuses on the matter at hand.
‘Granger.’ His hand’s digging into her shoulder. It will leave a mark to accompany all the other ones he’s left on her.
Ron’s face is red and blotchy and he’s shoving his hands to his face like he can’t believe what’s happening and it’s awful it’s awful -
‘Hermione, I know things haven’t been… amazing between us - maybe we were just better off being friends, I don’t know - but for you to be fucking Draco bloody Malfoy -’
Aforementioned gently places Hermione’s robes in front of her. She wants nothing more than for him to hold her and never let go, but she couldn’t do that to Ron.
Like you’ve not done enough to him already -
Draco’s voice is a whisper. ‘Come on, Hermione, let’s go.’
‘You fucking - STUPEFY!’
‘PROTEGO!’
Ron’s spell rebounds back towards him. He flies across the room - and there’s a sickening crack as his head hits the wall.
Hermione screams. The blood drains from Draco’s face. He runs to Ron, who’s head is at a funny angle.
She’s sick with fear, all over the crisp white sheets.
‘Weasley - Weasley, are you alright -’
Hermione wipes the vomit from her mouth and crawls over to the two men she loves.
You said loves -
Yes I did.
Draco’s desperately feeling for Ron’s pulse, and he’s sobbing now too.
‘Weasley, wake up, please,wake up -’
‘RON!’
After what feels like hours, Draco gives up feeling for a heartbeat and lies Ron on the dusty floor. He starts to push down hard onto his chest, so hard that Hermione’s scared he’ll break Ron’s ribcage -
What does his ribcage matter anymore when he’s -
She clamps a sweaty hand over her mouth.
Draco’s still pushing but it’s not working, so he tries blocking Ron’s nose and breathing into his mouth, and when that doesn’t work, Hermione tries instead.
There’s only so much you can do -
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UPPPPPPP
She tries all the healing spells she ever learnt at Hogwarts and read about in her textbooks.
It feels like the sun has set by the time Hermione gives up.
Draco pulls her into his chest. They cry together until the sky above’s ablaze with reds and oranges and pinks.
They don’t tell Harry the truth. Actually, Hermione doesn’t tell Harry the truth. As far as he knows, Draco is still hiding somewhere after the judges at his trial allowed him to escape Azkaban.
What Hermione does tell Harry and Ron’s family is similar to the truth. She says Ron died from a head injury after his spell rebounded while fighting a criminal; he was an Auror, after all. Her and Draco agreed that it was the easiest choice. Maybe the Sorting Hat was wrong, and she should have been put in Slytherin.
It’s a possibility that they’ll be found out. Hermione doesn’t care. She’s going to tell Harry the truth, one day. She knows she owes it to Ron to do so.
For now, she says that she needs to spend some time away from it all. Travel a bit. Harry understands. His kind eyes and round glasses and the childhood memories that cling to him make Hermione want to pull her hair out.
She dreams of the Great Hall at Hogwarts. The ceiling is bewitched to look like the night sky, and the tables are piled high with food. She’s laughing with Harry and Ron. She dreams of Bellatrix opening her arm with a knife, and Ron coming to save her while Draco looks away. She dreams of obliviating the waitress, and wanting to punch her face in. Draco holds her back as she kicks and screams.
He’s always there, and Hermione’s glad. If there’s one thing she hates now, it’s being left alone, and she knows it’s the same for him. They move from muggle home to muggle home where there’s very little chance they’ll be recognised, constantly checking which family goes on holiday when. Draco talks about breaking into his father’s vault at Gringotts and stealing some of the Malfoy family fortune so that they have more to live on. Hermione doesn’t know whether he’s joking or not.
He’s there for the nightmares and cold sweats that Hermione’s starting to accept will never go away. She holds his clammy hands as he vomits into a toilet bowl when the memories of Voldemort’s visits to Malfoy Manor rear their ugly heads. She reprimands him when he makes a throwaway comment about muggleborns, because even after his change of heart, he still has so much left to learn. Hermione tries to teach him, and he listens.
Sometimes they argue, and sometimes their fights are as petty as the ones they used to have at Hogwarts about who was top of the class. But sometimes there’s screaming, and throwing things, and Hermione will tell Draco it’s his fault Ron’s dead. Sometimes he’ll hex her, but she always deflects his spells. Sometimes he’ll storm out and won’t be home for hours, but just as Hermione’s finished crying herself hoarse he’ll stumble in, blind drunk. Sometimes this will make her cry even more. Sometimes she’ll go and kiss him anyway.
Weeks turn into months, and months turn into years. Draco complains about the muggle way of life, even though Hermione knows he finds some of their customs fascinating. It isn’t as easy for her to admit, but she misses the wizarding world too.
She dreams of Draco and Ron, but she only wakes up to one of them, now. The white blonde hair that used to mean insults and torment when she saw it across a school classroom is now a welcome sight on the pillow next to hers, even if that sight fills her with guilt every second of every day.
author’s note: this was originally intended to be a oneshot but i’m feeling motivated to write rn so this is going to be a three part series:))
a chance meeting in the leaky cauldron, where hermione has been working to try to forget the horrors of the second wizarding war, leads to a series of illicit affairs. includes: much angst and implied smut. read ‘the leaky cauldron’ before embarking.
You showed me colours You know I can’t see With anyone else Taylor Swift, ‘illicit affairs’
They go upstairs, into the spare bedroom that Hermione has just told Draco about. Skin meets skin and tears mingle and the night passes in euphoric highs and snivelling, guilty lows. But Draco always kisses the tears away, and Hermione repays the favour.
When she wakes up, her head pounds. Dust particles float across the room, sprinkled around like icing sugar, and Hermione feels like she’s awakening from a dream. She hasn’t slept this well in months.
But someone’s breathing gently next to her. Lazy rays of morning sun soften the bags under Draco Malfoy’s eyes, and then the flood gates open, and Hermione remembers.
For some unknown, godforsaken reason, she wants to curl up next to him.
Tears prick at Hermione’s eyes. When she sees the dark, winding smudge on Draco’s forearm, they start to fall in streams, and soon she’s shoving a hand over her mouth as she sobs so that the Death Eater she just fuckeddoesn’t wake up.
Why do you care whether he wakes up or not? Why does Draco Malfoy getting his beauty sleep concernyou so -
Shut up shut up shut up
Hermione cries until she can’t anymore. Then -
Ron Ron Ron Ron Ron Ron
Ah, yes. I was wondering when we’d get to the man that you just cheated on.
Oh god oh god oh god shut up please shut up
Don’t you think he might be wondering why you didn’t come home last night?
Hermione stumbles out of bed, frantically throwing her clothes on, and she’s almost at the door when she looks back, she doesn’t know why, she can’t help it.
He’s still asleep. His white blonde hair is tousled, and his lips look soft and warm.
I thought he hated me.
You know what they say. There’s a thin line between -
Hermione slams the door behind her, like that will make the doubts go away.
When she finally reaches the house that Ron and her share, she’s panting and her legs burn from sprinting; if her crying didn’t wake Draco up, the door slam definitely did, and she can’t risk being there to face the consequences of their actions.
She pushes the door open, cringing at how much noise it makes. Maybe Ron will still be asleep and he won’t even have noticed she was missing and it will all be ok -
‘Hermione?’ His voice is a croak.
Ron’s standing in the hall, wearing a dressing gown. He’s clutching a can of beer in one hand and his face is red and blotchy, like he’s been crying.
‘Where were you?’
Hermione goes to him and takes his hand in hers, her heart thumping against her ribcage. ‘My shift - my shift at the Cauldron overran. I was so tired that I fell asleep there - Ron, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. Please don’t be angry.’
Some Gryffindor you are, lying to your best friend.
Ron doesn’t relax. ‘But I went to the Cauldron when you weren’t back for ages, and I didn’t see you there anywhere. I mean, it was past closing time so I could only look through the windows, but -’
She wants to scratch her eyes out at the waves of relief which wash over her.
‘The spare room,’ Hermione babbles. ‘There’s a spare room upstairs. I just thought I’d go for a quick lie down, but I fell asleep. You know how it is.’
Ron breathes a sigh, and pulls her into a hug. He feels safe and warm. Even if their relationship isn’t working, she knows that he will always care for her as a friend. Hermione wants to cry and cry.
‘Thank Merlin. You don’t know how scared I was, Hermione. For a minute I thought - God, I don’t know what I thought.’ Ron laughs shakily. ‘I thought maybe some fanatic who won’t accept Voldemort’s dead had found out where you worked or something. I thought that a Death Eater had got you.’
Hermione balls her hands into fists, her nails digging deep into soft palms.
The whole day, she’s terrified that Ron will sense the smell of him.Even when she changes her clothes, it still clings to her. If Hermione closed her eyes, she could feel him above her, behind her, inside her.
She wants to close her eyes, but she won’t let herself.
The day passes in a nervous blur, and soon it’s time for her shift at the Cauldron.
I need to go. They’ll wonder why I haven’t turned up.
Why don’t you just pretend to be ill?
I - I could.
But you don’t want to.
Shut it. With any luck, he’ll - he’ll have left already.
He hasn’t left. Of course he hasn’t.
Hermione cleans the bar and serves butterbeer and chats to customers while Draco sits in the corner, hiding his face and downing glass after glass of firewhiskey. The sun sets in the sky, splashing red across a darkening canvas, and Hermione finds herself taking sips of customer’s drinks until eventually she begins pouring her own.
The waitress who served Draco last night doesn’t arrive at her scheduled time, but Hermione doesn’t worry - the alcohol that she’s knocking back won’t let her. A dizzy memory waltzes through her mind, reminding her of how she pointed out the way to the spare bedroom to Draco, who went up by himself, unnoticed. Hermione remembers telling the waitress that she was done for the night, and leaving out the front door. The backstairs that led up to the room where Draco waited were slippy and frosted over.
An hour or so later, Hermione stumbles up those same stairs, swaying in the cold winter air and hating herself.
Draco’s touch is warm.
Weeks pass. Hermione spends less time with Ron, because she can’t bear to look into his sweet face after what she’s done. The times that they see Harry, it’s hard to look into his eyes, too. She tells them that the nightmares have been getting worse, so she wants to start working later shifts at the Cauldron, and when the pub closes, she’ll stay to clean up. She knows it upsets Ron but she does it anyway, each footstep further away from their home sending a painful jolt to her heart. Hermione serves the customers, she drinks, she cries in the bathroom. She tells the waitress that she’s going home, now. She staggers up the stairs, and tries to block out the voices in her head as Draco fucks her.
She wonders if he has doubts, too.
She asks him.
‘Yes,’ he says. The first silvery wisps of dawn are creeping through the window, and his voice is even deeper from sleep. It makes Hermione’s heart throb.
‘Then why do we do this?’ She whispers.
He pauses. ‘I don’t know.’
‘Draco, when did - when did you start feeling like this, for me?’ The words come rushing out, and Hermione can’t stop them.
Draco stares at her. He swallows. ‘I don’t know about that, either. All I know is that -’ He sounds like he’s almost choking on his speech. ‘All I know is that one day, I saw you - you weren’t really doing anything, just sitting at the Gryffindor table with Weasley and Potter. And you were laughing. And just then, I felt this sort of - this sort of warmthin my chest.’
Hermione knows that feeling all too well, now.
‘And I hated myself for it. Because all my life, my father had taught me that muggleborns… you know.’ Grey eyes flood with guilt. ‘I’m sorry for that, by the way.’
Draco apologises a lot to Hermione now, about what went on between them at Hogwarts. It’s another thing she loves about him.
Loves - you said loves -
What? No, no I didn’t -
‘And me hating myself… it made me angrier at you. Like it was your fault, or something. Even if it hurt me to be horrible to you - I still felt like I had to do it.’
It seems Draco is more well-versed in the practise of self-hatred than Hermione ever was.
‘But after what happened with Voldemort, I knew I couldn’t live that kind of life. Which, again, I’m… I’m sorry for choosing in the first place.’
‘It’s alright, Draco,’ Hermione murmurs. It isn’t, really. She touches the scar on her arm. But she’d forgive him anything, anything.
What’s happened to me? If the house elves who’s freedom I campaigned so fervently for could see me now, they’d laugh.
Draco lies back onto the pillow, and laces his fingers with hers. The Dark Mark touches Mudblood’s jagged scrawl. Hermione gives into temptation, and nestles her bushy head into his chest. A silence falls, as soft as new snow. Hermione’s eyelids flutter closed.
There’s footsteps up the stairs.
Draco’s head snaps up. He’s heard them too.
‘Hide under the bed, Draco -’
Too late. There’s no lock on this door and it’s being pushed open and the waitress has discovered their hiding place -
author’s note: first of all just wanted to say if anyone still cares that i’m so sorry about the joker fic, ik i haven’t updated in months - i started writing a new update but still don’t have any ideas on how to progress it:(( writer’s block sucks.
this is just a quick dramione one shot bc i’ve been in a pottah mood lately. also, isn’t it amazing how daniel radcliffe wrote the hp books?? jk rowling? i don’t know her.
the second wizarding war is over, and voldemort has been defeated. for hermione granger, however, the scars remain. suffering from ptsd and with her relationship with ron on the rocks, hermione has taken to working regular shifts at the leaky cauldron to keep her mind off things. one night, she comes across a familiar face. (draco x hermione) beware: much angst, but with a healthy dose of fluff at the end.
trigger warning: ptsd, nightmares, alcoholism, mentions of violence, trauma
I don’t never want to drink again. I just, I just need a friend. Amy Winehouse, ‘Rehab’
The flickering glow of recently lit candles bathes the Leaky Cauldron in a dim light. Outside, darkness has fallen.
Hermione hates the night. It reminds her that her shift is almost over, and that she will soon have to leave the dull comfort of the pub to face a crumbling relationship and, later, nightmares in garish colours of black and red. That’s if she manages to sleep at all.
She sighs, rubbing her tired eyes. Ron is a kind man and her best friend, but they just weren’t cut out to be lovers. What started as a tiny, nagging doubt has now become an incessant worry of Hermione’s - one that she is sure Ron can sense, too. But they care too much for each other to at least not try to make it work.
She wonders who will break the news first.
Hermione tries to push the uncomfortable thoughts out of her mind - like that’s ever worked before - and sets to methodically scrubbing the bar. Small, circular motions, one, two, one, two - you could just as easily use magic, you know - shut up, one, two…
The door opens, and someone enters. Hermione’s head snaps up. A new customer, thank god, something to do, someone to talk to - the Cauldron is nearly empty, at this hour.
The new arrival wears a hooded black robe and looks at the ground as he walks, so Hermione can’t see his face. His gait is timid and suspicious, like he’s scared someone will lash out at him - but he’s looking at Hermione like he recognises her, and as he turns away, she sees a flash of platinum blonde hair under the hood -
It can’t be him.
She hasn’t seen him in close to a year.
The man who she thinks is Draco Malfoy sits down at a table, as far away from Hermione as possible.
A waitress, the only other person aside from Hermione who’s working tonight, approaches him and asks if he’d like a drink. He murmurs something in reply - ‘I’m sorry, I can’t hear you’ - another murmur - ‘It’s the hood - if you’d take it off, then I could hear’ - a sigh, and then the hood comes off with a resigned yank,and the waitress gasps.
It is him.
‘Get me something strong - not a butterbeer.’
‘Y - yes.’
She scurries off.
Hermione stares at the boy who bullied her mercilessly back at Hogwarts - at the man who watched as Bellatrix Lestrange carved mudbloodinto her arm - at the prisoner who both she and the rest of the wizarding world had last seen on trial.
‘Draco Lucius Malfoy, you have been charged with aiding and abetting the war crimes and crimes against humanity committed by one Tom Marvolo Riddle and his followers, and the attempted murder of one Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore -’
People always used to say about Harry that there wouldn’t be a child alive who didn’t know his name.
Hermione never thought that the day would come when she’d compare Harry Potter to Draco Malfoy.
He was lucky to escape Azkaban, but he looks like he’s just left.
Draco’s face is gaunt, with hollowed-out cheeks. There’s not much left of the proud, pureblooded aristocrat in him, except for maybe the white blonde hair which is as it’s always been, perhaps just a little longer than usual. His eyes look empty and sad.
He glances over at Hermione, but when he sees her looking, quickly looks away. The waitress returns with his drink.
You should talk to him -
He doesn’t deserve it. He fought for the monster who tried to wipe out my whole kind, for God’s sake -
But did he really want to? You know what his father is like.
That’s - that’s not an excuse. And anyway, he wants to be left alone. We’d just start arguing again, like we did back at school.
Are you scared?
…
What, of Malfoy the bloody ferret?!
Hermione tries to block out the voice, and continues to scrub furiously at the bar. When she dares look up, she sees that Draco has finished his drink. He orders another one, downing it quickly. And another. And another.
God, how much does he drink?
What if he passes out? Then it’ll be all your fault for not stopping him when you could.
Shut up. I don’t care what happens to him, anyway.
Still scared?
Shut it.
Some Gryffindor you are.
That does it. With shaking hands, Hermione pours herself a butterbeer - you’ll need it - and walks to the table where Draco is sitting, slumped over his fourth drink. He looks up at her with bloodshot eyes, and she instantly regrets her decision.
‘Ah, Granger. I was wondering when you’d decide to grace us with your presence.’ He’s drunk, and his voice is deeper, deep like a muggle who smokes too many cigarettes.
Hermione’s normally brilliant mind goes blank, so she responds the only way she knows.
‘Shut up, Malfoy.’
Oh, for fucks sake. At least Ron and Harry would be proud.
Draco stares at her. For a moment, Hermione’s terrified that he’s going to start shouting, like alcoholics always do in films.
Oh god, he can’t be an alcoholic, can he?
She doesn’t know why that thought upsets her.
But he doesn’t shout. He starts to laugh. A loud, throaty laugh that makes the few people left in the Cauldron turn and stare. He sounds like he hasn’t laughed in years, which may, Hermione thinks, actually be the case. Then she starts to laugh too, at the absurdity of the whole situation. When they’ve cackled themselves sore, Draco motions to the chair opposite him.
‘Come on, Granger. Sit down. I need someone to talk to.’
So Hermione sits. An awkward silence settles, heavy with the years of not-so-pleasant history between them. She tries to break the ice.
‘How are you?’
She can hear the voice in her head laughing at her. Draco’s lips are pulled into a smirk.
‘Always so polite.’
Hermione takes a shaky gulp of butterbeer, and its warm burn gives her a jolt of much needed confidence.
‘So you’re saying I should be rude to you?’
‘After everything that’s happened, I’m surprised that you’re not.’
She doesn’t know what to say to that.
‘Anyway, to answer your first question,’ says Draco, ‘I am how I look. Bloody terrible. You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself, though.’
Hermione scoffs. He must not be a very good judge of character.
‘I take it then that you’re not,’ says Draco.
Bitterness bubbles up inside of her, like the potions they used to brew for Snape. Is he still just as ignorant as he used to be?
‘When you’ve risked your life and the lives of those you love countless times to fight a man who wants to murder all the muggleborns on the face on this Earth, you tend to have a few problems afterwards.’
Draco flinches.
‘Listen, Granger, about that -’
But Hermione can’t keep the anger hidden anymore. At first, she thought that not talking about it with anyone, not even Ron or Harry, would make it go away, but -
‘Oh, you’re sorry? If you care to remember, you called me a mudblood hundredsof times - so many times I can’t even count - and then you worked for Voldemort, and tried to kill Dumbledore, and watched as your fucking aunt hacked at me like an animal for the fun of it -’
A sob breaks through, and Hermione looks down at her glass. She’s drunk more than she thought.
A lone tear slivers down her nose and falls, plop, into the butterbeer.
‘Granger -’
‘What?’
Draco flinches again, like she’s slapped him.
‘I’m sorry.’
He sounds like a little boy again. Hermione remembers lying in bed in her second year dormitory, the day that Draco first called her mudblood.She remembers crying, wishing he’d say to her what he’s just said now. It means so much, but at the same time, it means nothing.
She sniffs back an onslaught of tears. ‘Sorry won’t make the nightmares go away.’
A cold chill passes between them.
‘I have nightmares too,’ he says.
You bloody bastard, this isn’t about you, Hermione wants to scream. But Draco’s eyes are cold and haunted, so she lets him talk. Some things never change.
‘They’re always at the Manor, or at Hogwarts, but with all the bodies from the battle -’
He drinks more from his glass, like the alcohol will wash the memories away.
‘And there’s a snake, but with Voldemort’s red eyes.’ Draco’s whispering, now. ‘And it slides up the table towards me - and - and my family is watching - and I can’t move - and then it opens… opens its mouth.’
A little talk - girl to girl - she’s lying on the cold stone floor - her sleeve is ripped up, and her bare arm feels naked in the cold air - but the cold is nothing compared to the pain - it hurts, hurts so much - Draco is trying to look away, but he’s not doing anything - why, why won’t you do anything, you bastard -
‘I dream of you too, sometimes.’ His chin wobbles. ‘Of my aunt, and - and what happened.’
‘What she did to me.’ Hermione can feel the scar on her arm, the jagged indents of the knife -
He nods, trembling. ‘What she did to you.’ Another gulp from the glass.
‘You shouldn’t drink so much.’
‘It makes the pain go away.’
They sit in silence for a few moments. The butterbeer is making Hermione’s head swim.
‘Why are you here, Draco?’
‘I wanted a drink.’
‘No, I mean -’
‘I left the Manor after my trial. Too many… memories.’
‘But didn’t your father -’
‘Try to stop me - yes. Told me I’d be forsaking the Malfoy name and money if I left.’ He breathes out shakily. ‘I left anyway.’
Hermione is shocked. ‘I thought family was everything to you Slytherins.’
A small ghost of a smile. ‘Not everything.’ It falls again. ‘Leaving my mother was hard, though.’
Hermione always thinks of Narcissa Malfoy as a stuck-up, unfeeling sort of woman. But she’s infinitely better than Draco’s father.
‘So where do you live now?’
‘I don’t live anywhere.’ Draco sees the look on Hermione’s face. ‘I know, a Malfoy living without his family riches - it was hard to get used to, I must admit. Especially sleeping in pub toilets. But I’m too scared to get a -’
‘A job?’ Hermione sees how embarrassed he looks.
‘Yes, for - for obvious reasons. I’ve tried twice before - but everyone knows who I am, you see, and no-one really wants to - you know. This is the first time I managed to pluck up the courage to come in here. I certainly never expected to find you. Why are you here, by the way? I heard,’ he swallows, ‘you live with Weasley now.’ There’s an odd look on Draco’s face.
‘I do,’ says Hermione. ‘It’s just - I don’t know. The routine of working here takes my mind off of everything. Like you said - if I don’t keep busy, the memories - they’re too much.’
‘I understand,’ murmurs Draco.
And he does.
A strange feeling takes over Hermione.
I can’t believe I’m about to do this.
‘Listen, Malfoy. There’s a - there’s a spare room, upstairs, here. With a bed. If you wanted to -’
Draco looks like he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing.
‘You’d let me stay here?’ he whispers.
‘Well, no-one uses it anymore, so, y - yes. But it might be a bit dusty. And you can’t work here - because I don’t think being around -’ She motions to their glasses. ‘I don’t think it’s good for you.’
And suddenly, Draco Malfoy starts to cry.
Hermione stares at him, open-mouthed.
‘Why are you being so kind to me?’ His shoulders rack with sobs. ‘You should - Hermione, you should hateme for what I’ve done to you.’
You called me Hermione.
‘I - I don’t deserve -’
For some reason, her heart constricts, and her breath hitches in her throat. Hermione leans forward, swaying a little from the alcohol, and puts her hand on Draco’s arm. With a chill, she realises that the Dark Mark lurks underneath the grubby cloth.
Draco jolts back, shocked at her sudden gesture. For a moment, Hermione’s terrified that he’s going to pull away - but he doesn’t, and melts into her touch.
She remembers, all those years ago, seeing Draco with his father at Flourish and Blotts. She knew then that this was a man who’d never hugged his son. Back then, Hermione couldn’t fathom a life without the warm hugs that her muggle parents so frequently gave her.
She can feel Draco’s blood pumping beneath his skin. Slowly, he repays the debt, and Hermione feels the heavy weight of his hand curve around her arm. Fingers trace a ghostly touch over her scar. He’s stopped sobbing, but his grey eyes are still wet. They remind Hermione of misty hillsides on an the early morning. Salty tears crystallise on beautiful black lashes, and his face is flushed.
He presses his lips to hers. It’s soft, and a sweet hurt.
summary;after spending the night of the yule ball with renowned slytherin, draco malfoy, you catch his eye at breakfast. the boy seems to be hell-bent on seeing into your thoughts, and so you let him — but now you think he might’ve seen too much.
word count; 1kgive or take a few words maybe like exactly 23 idk i don’t have specifics
content;use of legilimency and occlumency, sexual themes, choking if you use a magnifying glass, i really came for draco’s childhood trauma + mental issues… my apologies, mentions of love (gross but also will they,won’t they?).
a/n; this is a rewrite of “last night”, something shitty i made ages ago !! anyway absolutely brilliant title god my mind is so powerful ugh </3 food ??? breakfast. for ??? thought??? occlumency, legilimency !!! i’m so sorry, i rewrote pretty much every word(including this authors note, is it that obvious?) at 5:30 am, it’s not amazing, but i’m sleep deprived and on my period so safe to say i did tear up for absolutely no reason.
you and draco both said that you’d never speak of what ensued in his dormitory the night of the yule ball. and you obliged. and you both swore it would never happen again. and you nodded your head. it was a mutual, meaningful agreement, and post-orgasm, it had seemed like a brilliant idea. no consequences, no ties between you two, being from different houses.
but it was extremely difficult to stick to your word when your legs still ached from the night before.
and his breathy groans, hot air fanning over your ear as he railed into you senselessly, wouldn’t push out of your mind.
and the bruises trailing down from your neck to your waistline were constant reminders of his tongue tracing over them, blowing on them, teasing you to all hell.
every time you blinked, the images flashed beneath your eyelids.
every time you inhaled, you missed his hand squeezing over your throat, restricting air.
and merlin, any slight brush against your own skin made you jump, thinking of his body on yours, skin on skin, sweat, clammy hands, your arched back, the veins in his hands, his jaw, his collarbones.
in the great hall, you made your way to your table for breakfast alone, and gnawed at your bottom lip while playing around with the food on your plate, famished, yet still so full of racing thoughts and fresh memories. his hands on your thighs, the way he sighed your name, your nails digging into his back, leaving little crescent moons over it, and his shoulders, and his hips, too. again and again and again.
looking up from your plate to scan the empty room, your eyes met draco’s ones, his irises a stormy grey, pupils dilated, and you inhaled sharply, looking away. you’d gotten up early, as if it would stop suspicion rising if you seemed like you hadn’t had a long night. it seemed as if he’d done that too, sat alone just the same.
merlin, you could feel the burn of his gaze, it made your body freeze and your cheeks heat up. he was looking right at you, right into you. you could feel it, the thumping at your temple that wouldn’t cease, the throbbing behind your eyelids. he was attempting to penetrate into your thoughts.
as if he hadn’t penetrated enough of you within the twenty-four hours, for fucks sake.
in need of a distraction, you turned your attention to the fork still lazily dancing across your plate, the cold handle twirling beneath your fingertips. it didn’t feel fair, what he’d done to you. turning you into a mess, mind hazy. giving you a taste, then taking it away immediately, albeit that being exactly what you’d agreed on. and although he really had given you absolutely everything the night before (or rather, this morning), it still felt like a neverending tease, with all that need careening through your veins.
swallowing harshly, you straightened up in your seat, pulling at the hem of your skirt, playing with a loose, dark thread. christ, he was still trying. the headache never seemed to stop, so persistent, so demanding, a feeling you knew well through conversations with dumbledore. but this headache clouded your mind, unforgiving, begging to be let through. it wasn’t asking for permission.
looking up once again, keeping your body still and your breath steady, you stared right back. taught ruthlessly by your grandmother, you’d always kept your mind shut from peering intruders. yet he was so fearlessly determined that you could feel it through his magic, snaking its way right through you, searching for any slight weaknesses in your armour. a strand of white hair fell over his forehead as he tilted his head slightly, jaw clenching. he wasn’t giving up.
draco malfoy always had something to prove. he was always so sure of his own success, so much to the point of insecurity, of doubt. it was a troubling mix of brashness, arrogance, and cowardice sprouting from the child rooted deep inside him, desperate for assurance and acceptance.
but it wasn’t your pity that led you to allow him to break through.
it was your need for him to know something you weren’t so sure you could admit verbally. you were thinking of him. that was all.
so, you stared straight into the silver of his eyes and let him right in.
his hands digging into your hips. the sheen of sweat over his entire body, glistening. the faint bruises he left on your wrists. you begging him to go harder.
him obliging.
his eyes were clouded over, as if in a trance, flitting through your memories.
but using legilimency was as much a curse as it was a blessing. because he could feel everything you felt too. the lust, the want, the pain filtering through the pleasure. and he could feel every little thing you’d noticed about him; the mole above his left knee, and the other on his waist, and the few freckles beneath his eyes, and the scar he had just above his eyebrow that you’d never really noticed until you’d tipsily placed wet kisses over his hairline.
for what felt like hours, you let him in, until he decided he’d had enough.
he was blinking quickly, brows furrowed, pale cheeks now flushed pink. he clumsily stood up from the slytherin table, pushing aside his plate of food, and stormed, flustered, out of the room, much like the boy who’d kissed you the night before. all tongue and teeth, all desperation, all emotion. but it was just for the one night. that was all.
and you felt foolish.
because you realised, he’d felt everything.
that in those moments, you thought you might’ve even loved him.
the boy, all tongue, and teeth, and hands, all pale skin, all desperation. it was certainly something entirely worthy of love.
a/n: umm, heyyyy. idk what this is, i just wanted to write and i also wanted to let y’all know i’m alive. miss u.
summary: drarry after the war, dealing with trauma and love. roadtrip included
warnings: angsty, trauma, implied self h*rm - don’t read if you’re not up for it <3 stay well
Draco had never seen a car, let alone lived in one. It wasn’t as if he wanted to, either.
But Harry was insistent; he was going to leave, and Draco was welcome to come if he’d like, but if not, Harry would see him in a few weeks or so.
He had decided after one of his nightmares, the repeating one of wandering aimlessly down the halls of Hogwarts, just as tall as he was at 11, calling out for everyone he could think of and getting no response in return. He would feel around the pockets of his robes, only to find nothing but one of his small broken figurines from under the stairs and a muggle coin. He had no wand and it was getting dark, and still, no one answered him. He searched for the Great Hall, for the Fat Lady, for Dumbledore’s office, for the Pitch, for Hagrid’s hut, even for the dungeons. There was nothing, it was just one long hallway with creeping shadows, just as unfamiliar as his first night at Hogwarts. As he walked, he had a horrible pit in his stomach, even in the dream, because he knew what was at the end of the hall. It would be the mirror, and in the mirror, he would watch his parents die, again and again until he woke up screaming with sweat and tears covering his face.
Draco was there, of course. He was always there. Harry would only be able to see a flash of his hair in the small sliver of moonlight that peaked through their curtains. Then, faster than he could object, Draco pulled him back down, pulling his sleeves over his hands and using them to wipe Harry’s face, smoothing his hair down whichever way it could go.
It was like, after the war. Harry had expected so much worse, and yet he underestimated everything else. He had thought it would be so heavy, that he could never escape the dark, or the screams, or the death. It turned out that he had never escaped the part of his life before that. He had nightmares of the Dursleys, nightmares of his parents, nightmares of Quirrell and the Basilisk. It swirled around his brain constantly, like a muggy sewer with a drain clogged. He felt like he needed his skin pulled back and for everything to be scooped out and polished.
The morning after the last nightmare, Harry awoke before Draco. He laid with Draco’s arm draped across his chest, watching it rise and fall as he breathed. He held his breath for a moment, watching as Draco’s fingers reflexively gripped Harry’s shirt. He continued breathing, watching Draco’s hand relax.
He closed the blinds completely as he quietly left the room, looming in the doorway to look at the bed. He had left almost no mark, his pillow barely dented from where he had twisted and turned all night. But there was Draco, curled into an invisible space as if Harry were still there, as if he needed Harry to unwind him and reposition him for the day.
Harry set off to their small, shabby kitchen and put the kettle on. He put two pieces of bread in the toaster, opening their fridge and surveying their pathetic groceries. Neither of them had been taught to live on their own, and it showed. All they had was soda, beer, an unopened packet of hotdogs, butter, and milk. Harry stood upright and looked at the counter; they didn’t even have hotdog buns.
He had just started buttering Draco’s toast when two delicate arms wrapped around his middle. His back instinctively curved into the shape of Draco’s chest, and he craned his neck to afford Draco the small inch he needed to place his chin on Harry’s shoulder comfortably.
It was wonderful, and still, Harry could feel it resting in his bones, his skin itching to be peeled and flayed open.
Draco had very little fight in him, these days. He felt it melt away every time Harry broke his glasses, or every time Harry watered his plants, or every time Harry picked up the knitting needles and started a new project. It was replaced by something warm, something that was becoming so hot it burned him. But, the fight was gone. The part of him that had been leading him towards harsh teasing and relentless bullying was gone, instead replaced by a cold layer over his eyes. The inside of him burned with love for Harry, but it was like he was submerged in an ice tank and can’t warm himself. He did everything quietly; he found the patterns in which he could get Harry’s hair to lay, he watched Harry with silent interest in everything he did, he offered himself to Harry whenever he could.
So, of course, Draco was sat in the passenger’s seat of the shitty car Harry had managed to buy. He couldn’t be anywhere else, not when everything was cold without Harry.
Harry found it hard to drive for two reasons. The first was that he was a bad driver. He hadn’t exactly gotten an abundance of opportunities to learn growing up, and it would be reasonable to say that he had hoped for the best when he took his test and was pleasantly surprised when he passed. The second was that Draco looked quite good next to him, distractingly good. He still wore a long sleeve, even though it was warm enough for Harry to wear a t-shirt with the windows down, but Draco only wore long sleeves after the war. It had been hard for Draco to watch Harry look at his forearm, at what Draco had done to it out of shame after having to look at the mark himself for so long. So, he covered it with sleeves as often as he could. His hair was pushed off his forehead- the both of them had been neglecting haircuts, letting the other perform a cosmetic charm when they felt it was necessary- and wisped around his face like a heavenly halo. His eyes were still an icy blue, though, for the first time in months, they looked quite warm. He had a red flush on his cheeks when he noticed Harry staring at him, smiling and putting a delicate hand over his face as he turned toward the window bashfully.
As it got dark, all Harry could see was the few and ar between oncoming headlights, spotted with the sparse flashes of light dotting the rural countryside. The light from the radio illuminated the inside of the car, Draco’s long and melancholy CD’s he had bought when Harry took him into town. Draco had been asleep for an hour or so, and things were starting to blur in Harry’s vision. He pulled over, waking Draco from his light doze. They both lowered their seats, Harry shutting off the car. Without the noisy hum of the engine and Draco’s music, it was silent besides the wildlife outside. Wind moved the trees overhead, shaking leaves onto the windshield as they sat, idle. Harry turned to his side, laying as comfortably as he could (which was not very comfortable at all), and looked at Draco’s tired face. It was so different at night, his cheekbones casting dark shadows, eyes foggy, mouth in a familiar straight line. Harry wondered if he could close his eyes and reach out, recognize Draco’s face from touch alone. His eyes fluttered shut and he did exactly that, listening for the quiet sigh Draco often released when Harry touched him unexpectedly. Draco pulled his legs onto the seat, his body curled up. Harry’s fingers found the dip above Draco’s lips, the slight point of his chin. He smoothed his thumb over Draco’s eyebrows, invisible unless illuminated in the right light. He could see Draco behind his eyelids, as distinct as if he had opened his eyes. In the midst of his clogged and diseased brain, Draco was there, distinct as a bright light.
“This isn’t very comfortable,” Harry sighed, turning onto his back and planting his feet on the floor of the car, “is it?”
“No,” Draco said, not sounding like he minded it at all.
Harry wordlessly crawled in the backseat, pushing discarded food wrappers onto the floor. Draco followed him, listening to Harry’s stifled laughter as they navigated their long legs in the small space.
They twisted and turned until they lay side by side, Harry stripping off his shirt to prepare for the night heat. Draco pulled his sleeves over his hands, only his fingers visible as they traced up and down the side of Harry’s neck. Draco felt, suddenly, that they were alone. As if they hadn’t been alone in their apartment for all those months, as if he didn’t feel alone his whole life. He was reminded of how young they were, of the lack of age on Harry’s body beneath his fingertips. He wondered if they looked like boys together, or if the war was clear on their faces. Had the people in the gas station known? Had they seen two boys who had hated each other all their lives, two boys fighting each other in a way? Or had they seen two boys traveling the countryside together, buying too many crisps and candies and sodas?
The next day, after they had lazily kissed each other for hours and Harry reluctantly moved back to the driver’s seat, Draco thought of all the places Harry had told him about. About the beaches Remus had always wanted to go to but never got the chance, the woods Sirius told him James loved so much, the mountains Hermione had promised him were breathtaking. Draco thought that Harry might be showing him the good that was tangled with the mold within him. That maybe, as they drove, Harry was leaving behind everything that crowded his head. Harry hoped that the sun might warm the outside of Draco, just to match the inside a little.
warning/s;angst to fluff, mentions of pregnancy and post partum depression
word count;4.4k
summary;fred leaves you on the day you were supposed to tell him that you were pregnant with his child. three years later you see him again, and secrets are unearthed.
a/n;feedback is very, very welcome! i just love reading them aaa this was such a weird thing to write bc i wanted it angst but it’s not angsty enough so watch out for more angst deuces
“i don’t understand, freddie. why are you—”
“[y/n]! that’s enough!” your boyfriend furrowed his brows, blowing out an exasperated breath that had you feeling offended. he ran a hand through his already unkempt hair before meeting your eyes. “don’t you getit? i’m done. we’re done. we’re through.”
there was no emotion behind his words. no meaning. nothing that told you of the two years you’ve spent together. and to be perfectly honest, even if you wouldn’t admit it to yourself, you expected this. deep down you knew he’d fallen out of love somewhere along the way.
warning/s;angst to fluff, mentions of pregnancy and post partum depression
word count;4.4k
summary;fred leaves you on the day you were supposed to tell him that you were pregnant with his child. three years later you see him again, and secrets are unearthed.
a/n;feedback is very, very welcome! i just love reading them aaa this was such a weird thing to write bc i wanted it angst but it’s not angsty enough so watch out for more angst deuces
“i don’t understand, freddie. why are you—”
“[y/n]! that’s enough!” your boyfriend furrowed his brows, blowing out an exasperated breath that had you feeling offended. he ran a hand through his already unkempt hair before meeting your eyes. “don’t you getit? i’m done. we’re done. we’re through.”
there was no emotion behind his words. no meaning. nothing that told you of the two years you’ve spent together. and to be perfectly honest, even if you wouldn’t admit it to yourself, you expected this. deep down you knew he’d fallen out of love somewhere along the way.
Him and her. Together again as they always were. Fuck, that hurt. What the hell was that? It was the castle, the lesser known weapon of the war. Spraying its concrete and glass over the bodies of the ones fighting and the ones lost. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Seven Weasleys, good. One her and one him. Everything was not okay. He’s still here, everything is okay. Bombarda. White sparks flew from his wand creating a barrier between her and bombarda, wordlessly. Remember to thank him when this is all over. Man, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
From the wand of the death eater.
Confringo.
From him and her.
The wall was crumbling. Seven Weasleys. The wall is coming down. They lock eyes. Him. He was too far, but that didn’t halt the yelling and running. Her. What would come of this war if he didn’t get to her? The only place he knew in that moment of time was her eyes. Slow motion. Looking over her shoulder. Freddie, freddie. He knew her eyes, and the last whisper of life that shot from her scream. Seven Weasleys still standing. One him, and all that was left of her. Dust plumed. Dust taunted. Dust gave way. There she was, large bricks covering her.
From the mind of him.
No.She looked like something out of a movie. Pale, bleeding, dying. Dead. He dragged her from the rubble. The fighting stopped. The ghost of what happened danced around him. Her eyebrows taught, lips drooping. Please. The eyes he just knew. Lifeless.
From his lips.
“Wake up!” Strained cries from him. “Please?” He was asking her.
Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. Sirius. His name played like a mantra in her head, over and over.
His name was the most bittersweet thing she had ever tasted. Sirius. It tasted of regret, hatred, power, love. Like the Greek translation of his name, Sirius, he was scorching, burning everything in his path leaving no trace but the embers slowly dying from the wake of his footsteps, Sirius.
She felt sparks every time she dared to utter his name. Two months since their last meeting, two months and the door was still unlocked, the plants unwatered, the foundation crumbling. He left when it was raining. In her mind, rain was synonymous with Sirius. The door unlocked every rainy day and night.
He would be there. He would come and hug her. He would, he would, he would, he wouldn’t. Not now, anyway. Not while the Veil still had him, Sirius, in its deathly clutches. Never. But, she still sat watching the door, every rainy night, door unlocked, plants unwatered, her foundation crumbling beneath the weight of sorrow and hatred.
Sirius. Sirius. Sirius.
“Where are you?” a whisper of lost time.
His name was the most bittersweet thing she had ever tasted. The only thing she could taste now was death. Sirius.
Summary: Ten years ago, Draco was sure you were dead. But after receiving a letter from none other than you, his world is flipped upside down.
Pairing: Draco x Reader
Word Count:4k+
Genre: Fluff, a lil angsty
Requested:No, requests currently closed while I finish my sitting requests :)
Warnings:None
A/N: I know it’s been a while, and this is likely all over the place~ just something that’s been on my mind for a while and finally had some time to sit down and plot it out! Part 2?
The warmth of the fire can’t drive away the cold. It creeps in, starting from his toes and runs all the way to his chest. That cold that can only be associated with his own sadness. Draco sits in his favorite chair by the hearth, his eyes scanning the letter over and over again. Surely he’d seen this before.
“Darling,” Astoria, his wife of six years starts. “I’m putting Scorpius to bed, are you coming?”
“Not tonight,” he says. It’s firmer than intended, but he can’t even drag his eyes away to apologize.
Astoria lingers in the doorway of their meager living room of their meager cottage that they’d fallen in love with when they first saw it, but now needed more space. She eyes her husband warily and the letter in his hand, that smelled of the sweetest perfume and has him in a tizzy. She knew there’d been someone before her. Someone that never made it out of the war. Someone he loved more than anyone.
Astoria sighs, her eyes still watching her husband for a single second before she slips down the hallway.
Draco brings the letter to his lips, kissing the very paper it was written on, his mind wandering back to all the kisses he gave to you, all the times he’d kiss your forehead and hold you and tell you how much he loved you. He can’t believe the letter had even come.
Dearest Draco,
I’m sorry if this letter reaches you late. It is now May 10th, 1998, and by now you must be sure that I am dead.
Draco puts the letter down for a moment, his heart almost completely stopping in his chest. Alive? Is she alive? Should he leave now?
I hope someday you can forgive me for letting you think I’d ever meet such a fate in a war, but I assure you I am, for now, safe and sound. I made a deal with Dumbledore before your task. I’m continuing his work, growing my own power and studying as much as I can. I’ve followed the knowledge, as I always told you I would. I wrote the first half of this letter once I’d gotten out safely, but couldn’t bring myself to finish it. It is now August 25th, 2008. Ten years since I started.
She’s alive. She must be, if he’s receiving this letter now. He sets it on the arm of his chair and stands, pacing in that Draco Malfoy way. He stoops at the chair for his whiskey and the letter, his eyes scanning it.
I’ll be returning to London soon. I’ve taken up the Potions Master position at Hogwarts under Mrs. Granger’s rule, and I wanted you to be the first to know that I’ll be coming back. I hope to see you in Hogsmeade on the 29th of August. You know where. I’ll be there at 3pm, and I hope you show. I want to hear all about your life, Draco. Did you ever marry? Are you happy? I miss you, and I hope that you’ve built a life for yourself.
See you?
Love,
Y/N
Draco sits down in his chair again, his eyes wide and his heart pounding. Seeing you. Tomorrow. For the first time in ten years. The longest ten years of his life, thinking you were dead. The worst ten years. No, he married. He has a son. He became one of the most well-respected and astute healers in the entire wizarding world. He’s had a wonderful ten years. Right?
He stands again, pacing and pacing and pacing. Alternating between his drink and smelling your sweet, sweet smell that he’d tried so hard to preserve in one of his t-shirts you always wore to bed.
Astoria leans against the doorjamb, watching Draco pace and pace. She knows that pace. He’s stressed and conflicted and terrified. That look on his precious face…
She walks to him, taking his face in her hands.
“Draco,” she says firmly, catching his attention. “What is it?”
He’s quiet for a moment and she holds her breath, searching his face for any kind of answer.
“It’s Y/N,” he says, his voice almost a ghost of a whisper. “She’s alive. And she’s coming back. And she wants me to meet her tomorrow.”
Astoria drops her hands from his face, taking in his words. So, this was it, then. She knew who he would choose should it come down to it.
“That little twit,” Astoria breathes. “How selfish can she be?”
Draco, taken aback, gazes at his wife. “Selfish?”
“You were in hell for the first years of us being together because of her! You moped at our wedding. You won’t dare allow me to do simple things like wear your clothes to sleep in or go through your old Hogwarts trunk. All because you thought she was dead!” Astoria roars, finding her voice now.
“Darling, calm down,” Draco starts.
“Calm down?” Astoria roars, growing louder. “You’re going to tell me, your wife, to calm down, after telling me you’re going to meet the woman you’ve secretly wished I was for the last ten years? Don’t tell me to calm down, Draco. Don’t.”
Draco sighs. He paces the length of the family room, only stopping to sink into his chair.
“Astoria, I don’t know what to say,” he sighs. He drags his hands down his face, haunted almost. “She was the love of my life. She taught me everything I know about love and how to do it. That I was capable of it.
“Would you leave me for her?” Astoria asks suddenly, eyeing her husband.
“I wish I had an answer for that,” Draco relents.
Astoria nods. She squares her shoulders, holding her chin high as her eyes water. “Then you can sleep on the sofa tonight.”
She turns and exits into the hallway, and Draco can hear her stalking to the bedroom and the telltale door slam.
~
Astoria doesn’t speak to him all morning. She gets Scorpius ready for his mid-day lessons and ignores Draco.
So, he gets up, showers, tousles his hair, and squirts on some of his best cologne. He’d look like the happiest man in the world today. Maybe because he is.
He leaves the house without a word to Astoria, only stopping to kiss Scorpius on his head and whisper a quick “I love you,” words he never heard from his own father.
~
Hogsmeade bustles with shop owners and consumers and students, all exploring the new world and everything it has to offer. Draco walks amongst the crowd, his teeth chattering despite the warm August day. His nerves make every step feel longer than it is, and his palms sweat profusely. He allows his mind to wander as he forages down the cobblestone pathway; what would you look like? What would you be wearing? Would you smell the same? Did you ever marry? Are you happy?
His train of thought is halted as he approaches the place that you used to call your spot. The little ice cream shop across from Creepy Cauldrons, a vehement Halloween only shop. You and Draco would go on ice cream dates almost every Hogsmeade trip since fourth year when you admitted you fancied him, and he you. It was the one spot he couldn’t bring himself to walk into when he thought you were dead. Not even with Scorpius.
He pushes open the door, the little bell jangling as it always does. It doesn’t take long for him to spot you. You were in the same booth you were always in when you’d meet up. Your booth you shared together.
Draco approaches you, though your back is to him. He wonders if it’s a dream. Could it really be you? Is this a cruel prank?
Upon hearing his footsteps, you turn, Y/E/C eyes locking with his grey ones. Draco stops. His heart stops, his mouth dry, his eyes watering. It’s really you.
You stand and move to hug him, but Draco is stiff. He doesn’t hug you back.
“Draco,” you start, pulling away from him. “I’m sorry this is so sudden. I understand if you don’t want me back in your life at all, I just wanted a moment to explain myself.”
Draco nods. He takes his old seat, and you sit across from him.
Over his shoulder, Sir Harrington- the owner of the ice cream parlor- gives you a thumbs up. He’d been serving you ice cream since you were kids, and you had no doubt he would forget you or Draco.
“So,” Draco begins. He hides his shaking hands underneath the table. “You’re back? For good?”
“For good,” you relent.
“I thought you were dead,” Draco says. His voice betrays him and cracks. He clears his throat, but doesn’t continue.
“I know,” you say. You reach across the table for his hand, but he doesn’t move. You withdraw your hand, knowing he’ll be cold as ice until you can crack him. “I know what everyone thought. I knew the repercussions of what I did, but I’m only sorry to you.”
“Sorry to me?” He asks. “You’re sorry? You came here to tell me you’re sorry?”
“Draco,” you start, but he cuts you off.
“Don’t. You don’t know what it was like. I thought you were dead. I moved on. I lived in hell every single day that you were gone. I can’t even look my wife in the eye without wishing it were you,” he says through his teeth.
“You married, then,” you say. Your resolve weakens, and you know it’s hopeless.
“I did. Astoria Greengrass and I wed in 2001. It’ll be seven years in December.”
“I see,” you say. “I’m happy for you, Draco.”
“We have a son. Scorpius.”
You nod, chuckling to yourself. “The name we picked out for our first son?”
Draco nods, and has the grace to look slightly embarrassed. “Astoria knows what you meant to me. I wanted to keep you alive in my memory somehow.”
“Meant?”
Draco remains silent, his eyes on his hands as he considers his own words.
“Mean,” he says, finally meeting your gaze.
You sigh and allow yourself a moment to get lost in his eyes the way you wanted to every minute you were gone.
“I didn’t want to leave you, Draco,” you admit. “But it was for the best. I was doing dangerous potions work. Collecting samples of serums from creatures that can only be found in the deepest, darkest corners of the world. It was the type of exploring that I had to do alone.”
“You could’ve at least told me you were alive,” Draco says. He leans across the table, taking your cheek in his palm. “I died over and over again every day that I thought you were gone.”
You bring your hand up, holding onto his wrist, letting his words soak into your brain. You know you’ll likely never hear them again.
“I didn’t know if I would ever come back,” you whisper, your voice catching in your throat. “So many times I was sure I was dead, but I kept fighting. I wanted to come back to you.”
Draco drops his hand, though you had the feel of his warm palm on your skin already committed to memory.
“What are we to do?” He asks, reaching for your hand.
You trace the silver wedding band sitting on his left hand, fourth finger. “We go on with our lives. I’m sure I’ll be teaching Scorpius someday. I’m glad that you found love, Draco, and I’m sorry that it wasn’t with me.”
You stand, turning your back on the boy you love so dearly, and walk out of the shop.
Draco sits for a minute, taking everything in. Why hadn’t he tried to stop you? Why hadn’t he reached out for you? Why did he let you walk away from him again?
~
When Draco enters, Astoria rises from her place at their dining room table. She’s prepared for the worst, but Draco doesn’t look haunted anymore. For the first time in her life, he looks alive.
“Draco?”
His head whips to her, like he hadn’t seen her.
“Oh,” he says. “Hello.”
“How was it?”
“It was… good?” he says. He takes a seat at the table, his eyes trained on his hands, recalling the feeling of her finger on his wedding band. “She said she’s happy I’m happy.”
“What else?” Astoria pries.
“She just wanted to let me know she was alive,” he says. “She’ll be teaching potions at Hogwarts. She likes that we used her name for Scorpius, said she looks forward to teaching him someday.”
“She didn’t… she didn’t ask you to be with her?” Astoria asks. She can’t hide the shock from her voice.
“No,” Draco says. “She didn’t.”
“Well,” Astoria starts, her voice returning to normal. “I’m happy she’s okay. Come now, let’s shower.”
Draco rises, follows his wife into their bathroom, all the while in a daze. His mind wanders to his time at Hogwarts with you, how much he loved you then and he wonders if maybe he still does.
~
You look back at Draco, giggling as you pull him through the snow, trying to outrun Crabbe and Goyle to Hogsmeade.
“Darling, come on!” You grin back at him. “They’re going to eat all the chocolate chip, and you know it’s my favorite!”
“Slow down,” Draco laughs, pulling you to a halt. He wraps his arm around you, pulling you into his side. “You’re freezing!”
“Oh, it’s just a little cold,” you smile up at him. “We’re going to get ice cream, come on!”
“Maybe we should get some soup or something?” Draco asks, keeping you tucked into his side. “I don’t want you to get sick.”
You lean up, kissing him sweetly. “I love the way you take care of me, even when you’re stressed.”
Draco’s cheeks redden as he smiles down at you, his blond hair flopping in his eyes as he kisses your forehead. “You’re my love. I’ll always take care of you.”
Your returning smile is dazzling as you stop in the snow to hug him tightly, relishing in his warmth.
“Just two more years and we can graduate and be married!”
~
Draco towel-dries his hair as he sits on the edge of his bed. His mind feels like an unraveled ball of yarn, but he can’t ever remember feeling so happy?
“What’s on your mind, love?” Astoria asks, crawling behind Draco on her knees. She rubs his shoulders softly, kissing at his shoulder blades.
“Her,” he admits. “I was just thinking about some of our time together in school. Just some memories, that’s all.”
“Let’s have another baby,” Astoria says suddenly.
Draco turns to look at her, his heart torn. “I don’t think now is really a good time, Astoria.”
“Why?” She pouts. “I think it’s as good a time as any.”
“I don’t,” Draco says. He removes himself from her grasp, standing so he can properly look at his wife. “I just… I can’t right now. I know you can’t understand this, but I’m really trying to be the husband that you expect me to be.”
Astoria gazes up at him. “You’re rejecting me?”
“No, Astoria, I-“
“If you wanted to meet my expectations as my partner, you’d give me another baby,” she says, determined.
“I don’t want another baby with you,” Draco says almost immediately. His eyes are wide as he takes in the enormity of what he’s just let slip. “Astoria, I’m sorry-“
“Don’t,” she hisses. She closes her robe and moves to the bathroom, locking the door behind her.
Draco sits on the bed again, dragging his hands down his face once more. There it is, then. He doesn’t love his wife, he’s a terrible father, and everyone at St. Mungo’s would hear about this. With Astoria’s connections, he doubted there was a way out of this one.
~
Knock knock knock.
The door swings open and Narcissa Malfoy stands in the doorway, looking at her son who looks like he’d just walked miles and miles to even be at the manor. She takes him in her arms immediately.
“Hello, my darling boy,” she smiles, kissing his hair.
“Mum,” Draco says.
Narcissa ushers him inside, closing the door behind him. The manor had changed significantly since Lucius’ trip to Azkaban, where he remains for conspiring against the ministry. Everything is white and crème, no more blacks and greys, though the telltale Slytherin green still decorates the throw blankets and some statues.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?” Narcissa asks, sitting comfortably on the sofa.
Draco takes a seat across from her.
“Do you remember Y/N?”
“Oh, how could I forget? She was fierce. It’s a shame what happened to her, I quite liked her,” Narcissa says, reminiscing to herself. “She would’ve done incredible things.”
“I saw her today,” Draco says. “She’s alive.”
“Oh, darling, are you still mourning her? I can get you some help, though you are the healer of the family,” Narcissa rambles.
“No, mum,” Draco says. He wipes his palms on his pants legs. “I mean, she wrote to me, and we met at the ice cream parlor. She’s alive. And she’s come back to teach at Hogwarts.”
Narcissa sits up immediately.
“Draco…” she starts, choosing her words carefully. “But, what about Astoria? Scorpius? You have a responsibility to your family.”
“I know,” Draco says. He rests his chin in his palm. “If she’d just told me she was alive… If she’d just… I would’ve waited.”
“Don’t say that,” Narcissa goads. “Then you wouldn’t have Scorpius.”
“I can’t pretend that I don’t love her, mum. Astoria wants another baby. I just… I would’ve waited.” Draco sighs. He runs a hand through his hair.
“Does Astoria know?”
“Yes,” Draco nods. “She’s not happy about it.”
“No one would expect her to be,” Narcissa says. “She’s just found out the same news that you have, but now it’s a waiting game for her.”
“A waiting game?” Draco asks, looking up at his mother.
“Draco,” Narcissa smiles. “When have you ever picked anything over that girl? You were almost killed trying to protect her. It’s only a matter of time until you can accept the consequences and chase after her.”
“I’ll lose everything,” Draco says, his eyes searching Narcissa’s. “I’ll lose my life, Astoria will make sure of that.”
Narcissa stands and crosses the space between them to sit next to her son. She takes his hands in her own.
“Answer me this, darling,” she starts. “Are you happy?”
Draco takes a moment to consider this, chewing on his lip.
“I love Scoripus, and-“
“That’s not what I asked,” Narcissa interrupts. “Can you honestly look at me and tell me that you’re happy.”
“No,” Draco admits. “I’m miserable. I’m stuck. I don’t love Astoria, she was just a good option, as harsh as it is. She deserves better, but I can’t lose my son.”
“Go to her,” Narcissa instructs. “Tell her how you feel.”
“Which one?” Draco asks, holding onto Narcissa’s hands for dear life.
“That’s up to you,” Narcissa advises. “But always remember this: You’re a Malfoy and no matter what, there’s respect given for the name alone. I can spin a bad reputation, but I can’t heal my broken boy.”
~
You flit around your kitchen- though it’s not really a conventional kitchen- throwing herbs and animal parts into the large cauldron that adorns the middle of the room. Who needed a dining table when you can eat in bed?
Taking a whiff of the potion, you smile- it’s perfect. You’re just about to extract it when there’s a knock on your door.
Draco stands behind it, hands in his pockets, cheeks rosy, hair perfect.
“Draco,” you smile. You hold the door open, inviting him in. “What a pleasure! I would’ve tidied a bit had I known you’d be dropping by.”
“Pardon the intrusion,” he smiles. “I called in a favor with the Weasleys to get your address. Still messy as ever?”
You laugh that cathartic laugh of yours, throwing your head back momentarily as you gesture around you. “Would you expect anything less?”
“Frankly, I don’t know how you function,” Draco laughs. “How do you find anything?”
“Organized chaos,” you shrug. “I’m sure you didn’t come here to goad me into cleaning, though. Is everything alright?”
At your question, Draco is pacing again. Honestly, this boy could pace a hole in the floor, but you only lean against the kitchen counter, your arms folded, watching him in all his amusing glory.
“What I’m about to say is going to sound daft,” he starts, chewing his thumb. “But I think I might still be in love with you.”
He stops pacing and looks at you finally, but you can only raise an eyebrow at him.
“Draco, you’re married.”
“I know. And it feels so wrong,” he admits. He closes the space between you, taking your face in his palms so gently. “But I’ve never felt as alive and free as I do when I’m with you.”
You pull away quickly, trying to be as gentle as possible as to not offend him.
“I know how you feel, because I feel the same way,” you start. Draco’s eyes light up. “But… I can’t be with you.”
“Why not?” He asks, visibly shrinking.
“You’re married!”
“What if I weren’t?” He counters.
“That’s not the situation,” you retort. “You are married. Had I known, I likely wouldn’t have written you. I would’ve let you find out on your own. I never meant to come between you and your family.”
Draco runs his fingers through his hair, clearly frustrated.
“You are my family,” he growls. “Can’t you see? You and Scorpius and my mum are the only people in this world who truly matter to me. I married Astoria because it was what was expected of me.”
“I’m afraid that’s not the way the world works,” you sigh. “I love you, Draco. I always have. I’ll probably love you forever. But I’m not a backup plan. You thought I was dead, you moved on. That’s something I’ll have to live with.”
“Y/N,” Draco starts. He folds his hands in front of him, and he grows more and more flustered by the second. “I’m standing right in front of you, telling you that I choose you.”
“And have you told your wife that?” You counter, folding your arms again.
“I wanted to see how you felt first,” he confesses. “I was leaving either way, or so it seems. I just wanted to see what you thought.”
“Draco,” you sigh. “Worry about your family for now. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”
~
Though the night is calm and peaceful, a storm brews in Draco’s mind at the thought of walking inside of his home. He sits outside on the front steps, encased in darkness, when it occurs to him that the home shouldn’t be dark.
Curious, he stands and pushes open the front door with no resistance. It should’ve been locked. Flipping on the lights, Draco chokes back a sob. The home is empty of any presence of anyone other than himself. No photos on the walls. No dishes in the pantry. No drawings or lesson reports on the table from Scorpius. Everything lay bare and abandoned and sad. Everything but one envelope sitting on the small kitchen table, now devoid of any flowers or vases.
Dear Draco,
After hearing of your escapades with Y/N, I’ve taken Scorpius away. I don’t know for how long we’ll be gone, or where we’re going, but I will not be a second option. I’ll allow you to decide: Me, your wife. Your son. Your home. Your career. All of your dreams. Or her.
Should you make a decision, send my owl immediately, as I’m sure she will have no problem finding me.
Pairing: Sirius Black x Female Reader Word Count: 6.6k Synopsis: Her and Sirius have a complicated relationship and things get even more complicated when they agree to start a fake relationship to get their parents off their back Warnings: genuinely cannot think of anything, except maybe sirius’ photos?
There was just something about Christmas Day that always forced itself to be intertwined with my relationship with Sirius Black.
When we were twelve and I had found out the hard way that I was no exception to him, my anger came boiling over on Christmas Day.
I had on a green dress that my mother had picked out for me and I was standing in the corner with the other children in this society, trying not to make eye contact with Sirius who was in a suit that barely fit him. It was too long and I wasn’t sure what he had done to convince Walburga to let him out of the house looking like that.
I hadn’t spoken to him since before his stupid prank, even if he had relentlessly tried to get me to speak, and I could tell that he was growing frustrated at my silent game.
We were at Black Manor, and Sirius must have felt toocomfortable at his cousin’s house because he came over to us and forced his way through.
This wasn’t unusual Sirius Black behaviour. Usually, everyone would roll their eyes, not even trying to hide it, but I had always taken a step back so he could join in the circle, even if it only took him seconds to get annoyed and walk away.
It was unspoken. The fact that I was usually the one who let him in the circle, but it seemed whether subconsciously or not, everyone knew it was me because Sirius always entered beside me. And just like always, he came next to me, expecting to be welcomed into the circle.
This time, I stood still. I didn’t even turn my head to look at him.
“Surely you’re not all partying without me.” I heard him say, but he was still standing behind me and not everyone heard him as someone else in the circle was speaking.
I could see a few people in front of me averting their gaze to Sirius, but no one said anything.
“Let’s all ignore the Gryffindor,” he continued, “yeah, that’s real original.” I could practically hear him roll his eyes, but I forced my attention onto the person talking.
“Sorry, can we help you?” My head turned to look at Bellatrix who was now staring behind me.
“Apparently not,” I heard him mutter. I could feel his eyes on me. I knew everyone else’s eyes were on him, watching him watch me, but I wasn’t going to give in.
I knew, of course, that they would notice me not paying attention to Sirius. I had been paying attention to him my whole life and the people in front of me were the ones who had been constantly telling me not to hang around him.
“He’s a bad influence,” they’d say. “Who knows what him and his friends get up to.” Or “You’re too nice to be around someone like Sirius Black.”
But I had only ever shrugged in response, which was why when I looked around the group, I noticed that the few eyes who weren’t on Sirius, were on me, watching and waiting to see what I’d do.
I never gave in, and I eventually heard Sirius sigh and walk away. Once he was out of sight, everyone’s eyes turned back to me and I hoped no one would mention it.
When I could no longer handle being under their gaze, my eyes shot down to the floor, and thankfully whoever was speaking before Sirius had interrupted us, began talking again.
I couldn’t really focus on what everyone was saying after that. He had never said it, but I knew Sirius always felt left out around us and I knew it upset him even if he would swear he didn’t care. I also knew that I was the only one he ever really spoke to in this society and that me ignoring him would have really upset him.
But he had really upset me so I pushed it to the back of my mind thinking that somehow, in some weird way, we were even.
I wasn’t sure what would happen next with us. We had fought before plenty of times, we were always getting under each other’s skin. But that was all it was, annoying the other. This time it felt different. This time we might have gone too far.
It wasn’t until later that night when I walked over to the food to get a chocolate dessert that I saw him again. I wasn’t sure where he had gone after I had ignored him, but I also wasn’t trying to find him.
“What’s your problem?” He asked and I quickly turned around to him. At first I wasn’t sure what to do. I had been trying to ignore him for these past few weeks and I wasn’t sure how far this silent game extended. “Oh right,” he rolled his eyes when as I thought about what I’d do, “I forgot you weren’t talking to me.” I frowned. “I forgot I was dealing with the world’s most dramatic person.”
I think he just wanted to get a rise out of me in hopes that I would eventually break my silence, and that was smart, because it worked.
“Well I wouldn’t be so dramatic if you weren’t so inconsiderate,” I snapped.
“Finally,” he mumbled under his breath. “I’m always inconsiderate, I thought you’d be used to it by now.” I wondered if he really didn’t connect his prank to my actions or if he just didn’t want to bring it up.
I opened my mouth to explain it to him. I wanted to tell him how he had humiliated me, how his actions weren’t just inconsiderate, they were cruel, but for some reason I didn’t think he’d understand. And not knowing how to explain that I thought I was some weird exception to him, I decided I’d instead continue to hurt him how he had hurt me.
“You’ve changed,” I said, squinting my eyes at him, trying to muster all the venom I could into my voice.
“Not you too,” he grumbled and for a brief moment, I felt bad. “So what I got sorted into Gryffindor,” he huffed, “it doesn’t mean I’ve changed, it just means I’ve always been different than you.”
I wanted to tell him that his explanation was exactly what I had been telling everyone else in this society, but they just refused to listen, but I didn’t want him to have any feeling of a win in this conversation, so I didn’t.
“Well the Sirius I knew wasn’t mean and cruel,” I said.
“Well maybe you didn’t really know Sirius, did you ever think of that?” He asked, his voice getting louder.
“I did, until you got new blood traitor friends,” I scoffed, but apparently that was the wrong thing to say.
“Don’t bring my friends into this.” His voice got lower and for a moment, I was taken aback. I had always blamed his friends for how he turned out, it hadto be their fault, but I suddenly felt like I was missing something. “At least they accept me for who I am.”
“Sorry for wanting what’s best for you,” I said sarcastically.
“And what’s best for me?” He challenged, “Being accepted in a bunch of blood supremacists who hate everything about me? Just because you’re stuck up like them doesn’t mean I have to be.”
“I’m not stuck up,” I fought weakly.
“Oh you are,” he took a step closer to me and I hated that I wanted to cry. We had fought before, we had annoyed each other until the other person snapped, but we were never mean. “You’re exactly like everyone here, prejudiced, stuck up, and you think I’m mean and cruel?” He let out a harsh laugh. “What about what these people do to innocent wizards? Just because they’re blood isn’t pure.I thought you might be different, but you’re horrible just like everyone else in this room.”
“Well,” I said, biting back my tears, “I’d rather this than your future. You’re lazy and you’re always the loudest person in the room. There’s a reason no one wants you here and it’s not because you’re in Gryffindor, it’s because you’re difficult and annoying.”
I probably would have continued. I could have dug the knife in even deeper and said that everyone was ecstatic when he got sorted into Gryffindor because it meant we wouldn’t have to deal with him in Slytherin. But out of the corner of my eye I saw all of the other kids who I was talking with before watching us. Their eyes open in amusement and the corner of their lips tugging up in a smirk. When my eyes moved to find them, so did Sirius’ and the realisation came over us both that they had heard most of it.
Not knowing what to do, I let out one last final huff and walked back over to them. They welcomed me and turned their back to Sirius. They were smiling at me and laughing and letting out small remarks of praise. And I smiled at them and nodded, but there was a sinking feeling in my stomach that stayed for the rest of the night and followed me all the way back to Hogwarts.
At Hogwarts, Sirius stopped making an effort to try to speak to me and I had already stopped making my effort. He avoided me at all times and when he did accidentally make eye contact with me, he would turn away with a scowl.
But then, our second year ended and during our summer break we were constantly in forced proximity and that was when our silent game finally ended and we moved on to trying to see who could hurt the other the most.
It seemed we didn’t stop this game until Christmas last year, where Sirius tried to help me get out of my arranged marriage by offering to fake date me. I think that was one of the nicest things he had ever done for me.
While it was only our parents who knew it was all fake and everyone else thought that everything between us was real, it still felt like this Christmas, a year later, was the first time everyone would see me on Sirius Black’s arm.
I was slightly nervous. I had already done it before, but this time I had a wrecked proposal and a public breakup lingering in the air and I was scared about what people were going to say. Or what they already were saying.
But at the moment, I was more nervous about the death contraption buzzing in front of me.
“C’mon princess,” Sirius yelled over the engine, “we’re going to be late.” It was turning dark outside even if it was only the beginning of the evening. The cold weather had made the sky gloomy and dark and that along with the cold chill in the air made me think that this was a bad omen.
I couldn’t believe that I had agreed to do this. I was standing outside Grimmauld Place, freezing my ass off, and wrapping his stupid leather jacket tighter around my body to fight the cold. I was sure that the smell of cigarette smoke and wet dog was permanently etched on this jacket, but now, my perfume was trying to fight it off.
“I can’t get on,” I whined, causing him to chuckle at me. He was wearing a suit that actually fit him. I commented on it when I arrived, impressed that he actually looked good for once and I couldn’t help but feel giddy when he told me he got the house elves to tailor them for him. Maybe I was having a good effect on him.
But that didn’t mean he always listened to me. I had told him that this would be a horrible idea, but here we still were.
“You know what?” He had asked me in early December. He was over at my house while I got ready for us to go out for dinner. It was afternoon and the clouds outside made it look dark, but my light illuminated the room.
“What?” I asked, wanting him to humour me. I was sitting at my dresser, looking at him through the mirror.
“We should arrive to the Christmas celebration on my motorbike,” he said, as if this was the best idea he had ever had.
I laughed.
Sirius gave me a mock offended look and I walked over to stand in front of him.
“I’m serious,” he said and when I opened my mouth to say the obvious joke, he raised an eyebrow at me. I smiled up innocently at him instead.
“It’ll be cold,” I pointed out.
“You can wear my jacket,” he argued.
“I can’t get on with a dress,” I explained.
“Well then wear something else,” he said. I gave him an unimpressed look. I had had my dress prepared for weeks now and there was no way I was going to be changing it at such late notice, especially not for something as trivial as this.
“We’ll see,” I said, hoping that Sirius would forget it and we could just apparate there normally.
But, of course, this was Sirius Black and he didn’t forget.
“It’s not my fault you didn’t wear the proper attire,” he shot back and I sighed.
“You owe me,” I mumbled before dropping my arms and reaching out for the helmet in his hand. “This is going to ruin my hair,” I complained. He laughed.
“You’ll still be the prettiest girl there,” he said and I frowned at him as I put the helmet on.
“Don’t watch me,” I said. He was still laughing but he turned around as I bunched my dress up to give me enough stretch so I could step over.
I was wearing a long, emerald velvet dress that was tight fitted and really put up a fight as I tried to get my legs over the seat. My heels made it awkward for me to put my feet down, but I was glad I had worn gloves otherwise my hands would have surely frozen off by now.
I cursed Sirius for making me do this tonight. Any other night I still would have complained, but at least people wouldn’t have to see me in the aftermath.
When I was finally comfortable I realised just how little room there was on his bike. My nose was almost in contact with his back and my chest was squished up against it.
“Are you ready?” He asked, revving the engine and turning his head slightly back so I could hear him.
“I guess so,” I said, my voice louder than usual so he could hear me.
“Hold on tight, princess.” I could basically hear the smirk in his voice and knowing that he couldn’t see me, I rolled my eyes at him, but I still wrapped my arms gingerly around his waist before he sped off.
Immediately I held on tighter. I wanted nothing more than to scream, but I knew that Sirius would tease me about it later so instead I brought myself closer to him and hid my face in his back. The helmet hit it awkwardly, but he didn’t seem to mind.
I knew he would also bring this up as soon as we got to Crabbe Manor. “You were holding on awfully tight, princess.” I could already hear him say.
His back was vibrating against my cheek and the cold air made me lose feeling on the tip of my nose. My hair was flying behind me and for a brief moment, I didn’t mind it. Sirius wasn’t a horrible driver and I didn’t mind how fast my heart was racing. It was almost fun.
Not that I’d ever tell him that.
When we came to a stop he turned his head and asked, “enjoying yourself?” I pulled my head up from his back and smiled.
“No,” I lied and I felt his tummy rumble underneath my palms before we started moving again.
Fortunately, Crabbe Manor wasn’t too far and with no one else on the road on such a late and cold night, we only stopped again when we finally arrived.
I was breathing heavily when he finally turned the bike off and now that it was quiet, I realised how tense I had become. I relaxed on Sirius for a brief second before I lifted myself off and took the helmet off.
He copied my actions and took the helmet from me while I tried to fix my hair.
“So,” he said, “thoughts?”
“I prefer apparation,” I said, giving him a sarcastic look and wrapping my arms around my chest once more to try and hold onto the small amount of heat that had transferred to me from holding onto Sirius so tightly.
“C’mon,” he whined, “it wasn’t that bad,” he said as he attached the helmet back onto his bike.
“It was freezing,” I complained.
“Is that why you were holding on so tight?” He teased, raising an eyebrow at me and causing me to scoff at him.
“Of course,” I said as if it was obvious.
“Sure, princess.”
He put his arm out once he finished with the bike and I glanced at it for a brief second before I smiled up at him and took it. He was already looking down at me when I grabbed onto him.
His jacket creased underneath our touch and I found it humorous that this was very similar to the way we had entered last Christmas when we had organised our little charade.
Even if we knew that the first time wasn’t real, everyone else thought it was. Not that they’d know it was for real now either. But this time, there was the knowledge of our very public break up, and then the fact that I refused a respectable marriage only to run back into the arms of the least respectable person I knew hanging over everyone’s head.
I hadn’t told Sirius that I was feeling nervous about this because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but he seemed to be able to read my mind.
“It’s going to be okay, yeah?” I turned to look at him, expecting to see him grinning or looking desperate as he tried to calm my woe, but instead he looked sincere and that made me feel confident that he was telling the truth.
When we walked in, I was in awe, as usual. The Crabbe’s had gone all out for the infamous celebration with trees covered in fake snow that were charmed to fall down so it looked like it was snowing. There were large ornaments hanging from the ceiling and the walls and there was tinsel on all surfaces. The house elves were wearing Santa hats and there was cheerful music playing in the background. Sirius gave my hand a squeeze.
“It’s all right,” he said, “I guess.” I turned to roll my eyes at him and give him an unimpressed look, but before I could his mother was standing in front of us. However, I still caught his cheeky grin and sly wink.
“Darling,” she said, grabbing my upper arm that wasn’t attached to Sirius’ side, “I’m so glad you got here in one piece.” The fabric of his jacket creased under her touch as her eyes darted between Sirius and I. She looked flush as if she had been stressed and I knew it was because she hated the motorbike just as much as I did.
“Please mother,” Sirius said, “I’m a good driver.”
“It’s not you,” she said as if she had had this argument a thousand times. I had no doubt that she had. But before she could continue, my mother had found us and was standing next to Walburga.
“You two finally made it,” she said. I let out a nervous chuckle, we weren’t that late. And besides, I guess it was my fault. Maybe if I hadn’t shown up late to Sirius’ in hopes he would choose the much faster method of apparation instead of his bike, we would have been here on time, but I knew my mother also wasn’t a fan of motorbikes and I thought it best not to bring it up.
“Had to make an entrance,” I mumbled and I could see Sirius grinning out of the corner of my eye.
“So,” Walburga said, her lips thinning as she looked at us both, “this time it is for real?” Her voice was hopeful and I smiled at her before turning to smile up at Sirius. He was already grinning down at me.
“Yeah,” we both said at the same time, looking at the other.
“Oh wonderful,” Walburga said, bringing her hands together in front of her chest, “I don’t think I’d be able to deal with getting my heart broken again,” she said dramatically as if she was a part of our public breakup.
“And I don’t think I’d be able to deal with any more time wasted,” my mother added. There was a smile on her face and I was struggling to tell the sincerity of it.
“And now we can finally have you over,” Walburga gushed.
“Of course,” I said, “that would be wonderful.”
“And I guess we’ll have you over too, Sirius.” She still had that smile on her face and I was so happy that I decided it was better than nothing.
“I can’t wait,” he said. I looked over at his side profile. He was smiling and when he felt me look at him he turned to me and our mothers excused themselves, leaving us by ourselves.
“If we weren’t in public right now, I’d kiss you,” he whispered and I couldn’t help but giggle.
“You’ll just have to wait,” I whispered back, happy that he remembered my distaste for public displays of affection. But maybe, I would have made an exception for him, if it wasn’t for the voice of a third, interrupting our short moment.
“I can’t believe you two pulled this off.” Our heads both snapped to Regulus Black standing in front of us.
“What, because you didn’t catch on?” Sirius asked, and I laughed.
“How did you even find out?” I asked.
“I have my ways,” he shrugged, “and I had my doubts about this,” he motioned between us, “at the beginning, but then you kissed on New Years Eve and I didn’t think you’d give up your first kiss to my brother so I didn’t really know what to believe” He took a sip of his champagne and I gave him an exasperated look.
“Sorry,” I scoffed, “how did you know I hadn’t had my first kiss.” He finished his champagne in one more sip before shrugging.
“I told you, I have my ways.” Sirius laughed, but I still wore a look of confusion as I tried to figure out how Regulus knew so much.
“You both hated each other,” he continued, “so I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I thought Sirius would ruin it with his philandering ways.” He waved his hand nonchalantly and I laughed, allowing Sirius his turn to frown.
“She could have ruined it as well,” Sirius said, reminding me of a child with the whine in his voice.
“Really?”
“Really?” Regulus and I asked at the same time, turning to give him a look. I raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled sheepishly at me, ignoring Regulus’ look of disbelief and amusement.
“So who caused the big scene at the engagement?” He teased and Sirius and I both gave him an unimpressed look. “That’s the couple I knew.” He was laughing, but Sirius and I weren’t. “Oh well,” he sighed, “at least you got a romantic first kiss out of it.”
“We didn’t even kiss,” Sirius said a little too proudly but then he shot me a look and he looked fearful about how I would react, but I smiled at him and he relaxed.
“What do you mean?” Regulus asked.
“We didn’t kiss.” I confirmed and I could practically see Regulus think.
“No,” he said, “I saw you kiss.”
“You thought you saw us kiss,” Sirius corrected. Regulus squinted his eyes at him questioningly.
“So your first kiss was with Nott, then?” I wanted to tell him a lot of things. Firstly, I wanted to tell him that he was weird for knowing all of this, and then I wanted to yell at him for saying such a stupid and inappropriate thing.
Before I did either of those, I turned to meet Sirius’ gaze, but I stopped once I saw the way his eyebrows were furrowed together and the edges of his lips were curved down.
“Uh, yeah,” I said awkwardly instead, clearing my throat. Regulus smirked at the awkward tension he had created.
“Alright,” he sighed, grabbing a glass of champagne from a server walking by, “you two behave.” He pointed at us with the hand his glass was in before walking away.
I turned to face Sirius.
“I never thought about Nott being your first kiss,” he said and I sighed, not really wanting to have this conversation. .
“You didn’t know I hadn’t had my first kiss,” I said. “It’s fine, you’ll be my last kiss.” I gave him a cheesy grin, but there was still a small grimace on his face. “If it makes you feel any better,” I continued, trying to make him feel better, “I hated every second of it.” He gave me an unconvinced look, but he must not have wanted me to feel like I had to make him feel better because when I said, “I promise,” he chuckled and said, “sure, it’s fine.”
So, foolishly, I continued. “He kissed me and I didn’t even know he was going to kiss me and I went home and cried for the rest of night.” He looked taken aback once I finished my little rant and frowned once more before replying to me.
“That makes me feel worse, actually.” He was looking down at me and I was looking up at him, and even though our conversation wasn’t necessarily a happy one, I couldn’t stop the grin from forming on my face and it seemed neither could Sirius.
We stood like that for a moment before I broke the silence.
“I guess we should go around and greet everyone now.” He gave me a small nod.
“The only reason I want to is so I can call you my girlfriend.” I rolled my eyes at him but took his hand regardless as we made our way around the room.
I thought Sirius and I together would be something that people wouldn’t be able to look away from. I knew word had gotten out quickly that we were back together after his birthday, but it seemed barely anyone was paying attention to us and I seemed to relax as people smiled at us and greeted us politely.
When the Parkinson’s excused themselves from our conversation Sirius and I turned to each other and smiled.
For a moment, everything felt right. I had forgotten about all of the stressful situations he had put me in throughout my life and I was overwhelmed with joy that we had finally made it.
~~~
Once the party was over and everyone had enough cheer in them to last them until the next celebration, I went over to my parents who were waiting to apparate away.
“Is it okay if I go over to Sirius’?” I asked and my mother gave me a weary look.
“Are you sure about this?” She asked, but I knew she really wanted to know if I was sure about him.
“I’m sure,” I confirmed and she gave me a small nod.
“Alright,” she said, “but don’t come home too late.” She pulled me in for a hug and I relaxed in her arms. Everything was going just a little too well, but I didn’t want to stop and dwell on it in case the feeling stopped.
When I finished saying goodbye I walked back to Sirius who was waiting for me with a smile on his face and I reached out to grab his hand.
“Think you’ll survive on the bike again, princess?” He asked, a teasing glint in his eye.
“I’ll just hold on really tight,” I replied sarcastically, a matching look in my eye as I turned and laughed at him.
He gave me his helmet and turned away as I situated myself on the bike, I was glad that no one else was around to watch me do so. With his leather jacket still on me, I wrapped my arms around his tummy once more and this time, when he turned the engine on I didn’t flinch, and when he finally sped off, I buried my face into his back and smiled.
It was the Christmas present I needed yet didn’t know I wanted. The present, of course, being Sirius. It was a weird thought to think that of all the things Sirius and I had gone through to get to this point, it felt that we had always been like this or maybe that it should have always been like this. Really, it just felt right.
We had overcome so much, our past, our bickering, my almost arranged marriage. I wondered if I would ever stop feeling embarrassed about my rejection. At least now I had someone on my arm to distract myself and everyone else from it. And it appeared so did Tiberius.
He had arrived with a young girl on his arm and I wondered if she was in a similar situation to what I was in not long ago. She was a few years younger than me and she was in Slytherin, but she wasn’t part of our society. But I hoped they were happy. I was happy.
The stars were shining above us and when I rested the side of my head on Sirius’ back I could see the moon illuminating the side of the road. The bike vibrated against our bodies and I sighed happily.
Soon enough we were back at Grimmauld Place and as we both got off of the bike, I passed my helmet to Sirius before we made our way inside. His parents and Regulus had already arrived home, but they were in their bedrooms I imagined as they were nowhere to be seen.
I followed Sirius up to his room, our hands intertwined as he stretched his arm out behind him and I stretched mine out in front to hold his as the stairs only allowed one of us to fit at a time.
I followed him in and he turned on the light. His room was clean. There were only a few misplaced trinkets on the surfaces, but it was much cleaner than when I came over on Father’s Day. He must have cleaned it, knowing I was coming, and that made me feel giddy inside.
I hadn’t been up to Sirius’ room since Father’s Day even though I had been over to his house numerous times. It seemed Walburga just couldn’t bear to leave us alone and I knew it was just because she was happy we were finally together. And of course, how much she loved me played a big part in it.
The light made the room shine a hazy yellow and as I took in his room I let out a noise of surprise.
“You took those stupid photos off,” I exclaimed as I walked over to his mirror that no longer had the half-naked women on motorbikes attached to it.
“You’ve barely walked into my room,” he laughed and I turned to face him.
“They’re always the first thing I notice.” I scrunched my face up in disgust at him and he walked over a to me, a mischievous smile on his face.
“I have a new photo now,” he smirked. I froze at his comment knowing what photo he was referring to. I gave him a weary look but he only gave me a cocky grin in return.
“I can’t believe I thought it was a good idea to give it to you,” I laughed awkwardly, completely embarrassed by it.
“I’m glad you did,” he teased and I rolled my eyes at him.
“Is your mother happy they’re gone?” I asked moving past him so I could sit on his bed. My feet were hurting from my shoes and I didn’t want to be standing up longer than what was needed.
“Ecstatic,” he murmured, “think she almost had a heart attack when she saw they were gone.” I laughed at him as he made his way over to sit next to me.
He was grinning down at me and I was smiling up at him, letting the backs of my leg hit his bed frame.
We sat in silence for a moment before his face lit up and he immediately got up and went to a corner in his room.
“I obviously need to replace them,” he said as he found what he was looking for, “but I don’t think my mother would be too fond of the photo you supplied me with no matter how much she loves you.” He had whatever he had found behind his back and I gave him a confused look as he continued, standing in front of me. “So, let’s replace it.” He pulled out his muggle camera from behind his back and I laughed as he sat back down next to me and gave me a questioning look, waiting for my answer.
“Good idea,” I murmured as I let my head fall into his neck. I put my hand on his chest and grinned as he held it up.
“Say ‘I love Sirius,’” he said and I chuckled as the flash went off. “You didn’t say it,” he pouted as he brought the camera back down to his lap as we waited for the photo to process.
“I love Sirius,” I said slowly, enunciating my words as I looked up at him.
“Better,” he said, “and I love you, princess.” He pressed a kiss to the top of my head and I melted into his touch, leaning on his shoulder as we waited for the image to process.
When it did, I immediately loved it.
“It’s perfect,” I said. Our hair was both a little messy from our bike ride, as it seemed neither of us had bothered to fix it, but our smiles were so big that it didn’t even bother me.
“It is,” Sirius murmured and he stood up to go and place it where those otherphotos had once resided.
“So,” I said, crossing my legs on top of his bed and getting comfortable. “Presents?” We hadn’t had a chance to give each other our gifts as I had spent all morning getting ready and when I arrived at Grimmauld Place, there wasn’t enough time to open them considering we were getting there by motorbike. Even if I tried to convince Sirius to apparate so we could do presents beforehand, he was having none of it.
Sirius had put them in his room just before we left and he walked over to his desk and brought them over.
“You first,” he said, handing me my gift.
I reached out to get the tiny bag and I opened it slowly. It seemed the only thing that could fit in there was jewellery and I hoped it was, but I had a feeling that whatever it was, I would love it.
On top was a note and I took it out to read it.
“You know,” I said, “I’m insanely jealous of your handwriting.”
“Why?” He asked, a small smile forming on his lips.
“Because it’s immaculate and I know you don’t even try.” He gave me a confused look so I continued, “and it’s better than mine.” He laughed.
“I’ll write horribly from now on so yours will always be better,” he said.
“Thank you,” I grinned and started reading his note.
Princess
Merry Christmas.
I think Christmas Day has always been an important part of our relationship. But this is the one I will cherish the most. I cannot wait to spend many more Christmas’ with you and make them even better.
Love, Sirius xx
I cooed at his words and he smiled at me as I placed the note next to me and pulled out a tiny box.
“If you don’t like it, you can change it or-” he continued, but I was quick at unwrapping the ribbon tied around it and let out a noise of delight when I saw the shiny ring inside. “I love it,” I exclaimed, taking it out of the box and trying it on.
“I hope it fits,” he mumbled and as I found the right finger for it I turned my hand around so he could look at it.
“It’s beautiful,” I said. He was sitting on his bed with his legs still hanging over the side and I put my weight on my knees as I leant over to kiss his cheek. “But you really didn’t have to buy me something so expensive.” I gave him a look and he laughed. I knew how much this ring would have cost him and I felt bad, I didn’t want him to think he had to spend lots on me.
“Okay,princess,” he said, emphasising his nickname for me, “I can take it back then?” He had a cheeky smile on his face as he took my hand in his and I flexed my fingers so he was holding onto my fingertips and the ring was facing him.
“But it looks so nice on me, don’t you think?” I gave him an innocent look and he pretended to think about it.
“I guess,” he mumbled and I snatched my hand away from his.
“Open yours now,” I said, and he took the bag from me.
He read my note and put it aside before taking out the lump of fabric in the bag. He held it up so he could see it all.
“It’s a leather jacket,” I explained, “but a much nicer one than this one.” I said, referring to the one that was currently still wrapped around me. “I know this one is special,” I said, “but you can wear this one to more fancy events.” I didn’t want him to think that I was trying to replace the one I was still wearing. I understood sentimental value, this leather jacket had obviously gone through a lot. It looked like it had gone through a lot. It was tattered and old and it had some odd smells associated with it which was why it just wasn’t appropriate for every occasion, so I had bought him a much nicer jacket that he could wear and look nice in, while still keeping some of his style.
“I love it,” he said.
“Really?” I asked, not knowing if he was just trying to make me feel better.
“Really,” he confirmed, standing up and trying it on. He looked at himself in the mirror and I grinned. “It’s perfect.” I stood up with him so we were both in the mirror.
“We’re matching,” I giggled and he turned around to get the muggle camera on his bed before turning it to the mirror and taking a photo of us.
“To add to my collection,” he said as we waited for it to process. When it finally developed and he stuck it on the wall he turned to me and held onto my wrists. I moved them so my hands were in his and our fingers were intertwined.
“I can’t believe we’re here,” he whispered.
“Me neither,” I whispered back.
“I love you,” he murmured, bringing his head down to kiss the top of my forehead. I sighed contentedly.
:Pairing: Sirius Black x Female Reader Word Count: 7.2k Synopsis: Her and Sirius have a complicated relationship and things get even more complicated when they agree to start a fake relationship to get their parents off their back Warnings: swearing, i think mention of champagne and smoking, and brief mention of outfits ;)
A/N:This is a bit wordy at the beginning but then the rest is pretty much dialogue
I wasn’t sure if it was fortunate or not that Sirius’ birthday was close to Halloween. I guess it was fortunate because it meant that we would be forced to talk things out, but then it was also unfortunate because we’d be forced to talk things out.
This wasn’t my strong suit and I knew from previous experience, it also wasn’t Sirius’.
Once my post-drunk thoughts disappeared the day after Halloween I realised that I had potentially overreacted. I guess it was sweet that Sirius didn’t want to do anything when I was hysterical after rejecting Tiberius and if I was being honest, I was tired of fighting with him. I had been fighting with him my whole life and his words on Halloween made me think that maybe he wanted to stop fighting as well. If he was ready to lay his armour down, then so I was.
After I had woken up in the morning with a pounding in my head that wasn’t solely because of the amount of champagne I had drank, I started sobbing as I recalled the events of the night before. My hands were rubbing my eyes to dry the tears when I eventually stood up and walked over to my desk to look at the stupid photo I had taken.
I looked ridiculous.
I felt ridiculous.
I wasn’t sure how, but somehow I had made everything worse when I already thought that I had reached my lowest point. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and I put the photo in my top drawer so I wouldn’t have to look at it and sighed.
I blocked it out of my mind until it was the afternoon before Sirius’ birthday and I realised I didn’t know what to get him. He had got me such a thoughtful gift and I desperately wanted to return the favour.
I wanted to get him something nice and my mind instantly went to new watches and fancy suits, but he had gotten me something even nicer and spent a fraction of the price.
Not knowing what to do, I went to sit on my desk and I pulled out my top drawer to take out all of the notes I had received from him over the past year. His annoyingly neat handwriting was staring at me, but for a moment, I didn’t mind.
They were sprawled out on top of my desk and I pulled out the one from my birthday, skimming over it to see if anything inspired me.
I have given you my favourite book and I hope one day we can share our thoughts together, but I won’t blame you if you never want to speak to me again.
I almost laughed. I didn’t want to speak to him. Then and now. I didn’t want to speak to him right now and have to deal with all of the stupid choices I made. What if he was embarrassed by me after what I had done on Halloween and now wanted nothing to do with me?
I knew that I would only find out when I went to his stupid birthday and that really put me on edge.
But at least I knew exactly what I was going to give him now. I got a spare piece of parchment and my quill out, taking my time to make sure my writing was as neat as his.
Sirius,
On Easter, you asked me what I thought would become of us if you had been sorted into Slytherin. I told you nothing would have changed. You still would have annoyed me. But that was only half true. That night I couldn’t stop thinking about it and ever since then I have been selfishly wishing that you had been sorted into Slytherin. I think things would have been very different.
I don’t think I will ever stop caring about what people think of me, but I care the most about what you think. And I want to hear your thoughts. You don’t care what anyone thinks about you, but I hope you enjoy my thoughts.
This was a very Sirius Black book. Take that however you want.
Love forever,
Your Princess xxx
I spent longer than I usually would making sure that my writing was immaculate. Not that he would ever probably notice.
I wanted to write more. I wanted to tell him how despite all of the pain he had put me through, I’ve always known it was him, but I didn’t know what was going to happen and I didn’t want to take any risks and make an even bigger fool of myself.
I turned to the stack of books on my desk and pulled out the one that Sirius had given me for my birthday. The one with my messy scrawl on each page, with the corners bent and the spine broken.
I found a spare bag and put the book in along with my note. The bag was sparkly and silver and I knew Sirius was more of a gold person, but I hoped it would only serve as a reminder of who it was from.
I went to put the rest of his notes back in my top drawer, but when I pulled them all together, that cursed photo of me that I had taken on Halloween night fell out of the pile. I sighed as I bent down to pick it up.
I held it between my pointer and middle finger, moving them so the picture flicked back and forth. I thought about it. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew I’d regret it. I knew I should have put it back in the drawer where it came from. Or even just thrown it out. But instead, I quickly dropped it in the sparkly silver bag and stood up and walked out so I wouldn’t dwell on it.
The next night I was standing in front of my mirror. It was dark outside and my lights were making my jewellery sparkle. I was definitely overdressed for Sirius Black’s birthday. There was, of course, a reason that I had made such an effort. I’ve always cared about what people think of me, but I knew I cared more than I would like to admit about what Sirius Black thought of me. And if this all went downhill, at least I would still look good at the end of it.
I took a deep breath as I looked at myself in the mirror. It was going to be fine. Maybe I had made a big deal out of nothing on Halloween, but my actions weren’t unjustified. My pride had been hurt by Sirius Black one too many times and all I wanted was him to be vulnerable with me, just once. Hopefully this time, he would be.
~~~
“Welcome.” Walburga gave us another tight lipped smile, but when she took me in she couldn’t stop her eyes from lighting up.
“Oh he’ll just love you,” she whispered so softly I tried to pretend I didn’t hear it.
I felt like a fool. I had worn red plenty of times and I alwaysdressed nice. Why would anyone think that I had done this for a boy.
But I still smiled at her and thanked her, the sparkly silver bag hanging from my arm as we walked inside.
It was dark and cold outside, but it was warm and bright inside. It wasn’t as extravagant as my birthday or any of these other celebrations I had been too and there were barely any decorations up, but I wasn’t surprised. Sirius was never one to go all out for his birthday, even if I didn’t understand that all.
But I guess Walburga couldn’t help herself because there were still red and gold balloons around the place and a few happy birthday banners hanging on the walls. There was also music playing in the background that I wasn’t familiar with. It was playing quietly, but I could still tell that it was some band, no doubt, one that Sirius liked and Walburga had only put on because it was his birthday.
I walked around the room to greet everyone. I found it humorous that everyone from our society was in attendance, even if Sirius hated them all and they all hated Sirius. I guess everyone was too scared of Walburga to say they couldn’t make it.
My eyes scanned the room and I felt funny when I noticed a familiar head of red hair in the corner. I must have been staring for too long because she turned over to look directly at me and when she saw me, she started waving.
I was embarrassed already. She definitely wasn’t shy and she was making a big deal about trying to get my attention when she already had it. My eyes quickly scanned around the room to make sure no one was watching and when I saw no one paying attention to us, I quickly walked over to her in hopes she would calm down.
James and Lily Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, were once again sitting in the corner of Grimmauld Place looking completely out of place. They were usually present at Sirius’ birthday, so I didn’t find it odd, but I had never spoken to them here before.
“Oh Sirius will love this!” She squealed as she motioned to my dress and brought me in for a hug. There was a part of me telling myself that this was a horrendous thing to do and people were going to think horribly of me, but then there was a part of me who reminded myself that I had already spoken to Lily Potter at Halloween and still lived to tell the tale. I quickly pulled away in hopes no one would see us again.
“It wasn’t for Sirius,” I mumbled and she laughed, knowing that that was a horrible lie. When she turned her back to me to face the rest of his friends I noticed baby Harry was there and for a moment I wanted to go over to James Potter and take the baby right out of his hands, but I was brought out of my trance by Lily’s voice.
“Happy birthday!” She took a step behind me, her arms out ready for a hug. I didn’t want to but I knew I’d have to. I turned around and even though his arms were around Lily, his eyes were on me and my whole body went flush.
She quickly pulled away and went back to James and Harry leaving me and Sirius alone. My back was towards his friends and he was standing in front of me. He had black pants on and a black dress shirt. It was slightly creased, but he had on his horrendous leather jacket which helped in hiding it. His hair was done in its usual messiness and he was still freshly shaven from Halloween.
He was smirking at me and I wanted to slap him for it. He was so infuriating. I wasn’t sure how I looked or really, what I was doing. All I could do was stare at him. I wasn’t sure what to say and I was scared about what he was going to say. But it didn’t seem like he was going to start anything so I inhaled and said, “Happy Birthday.”
For a moment it seemed like he wanted to hug me, but my arms weren’t outstretched and he mustn’t have wanted to make the first move.
“Thank you,” he said. I smiled awkwardly at him and passed over the bag. I wasn’t sure where this awkwardness was coming from and I really didn’t enjoy it, but the look on Sirius’ face told me he did.
One of his eyebrows slightly raised at the present, but he took it gently from my hand, our fingers brushing as he did so.
“Thank you, princess,” he mumbled and I had to stop myself from giving in. To what exactly, I wasn’t sure, but I stood up straight and maintained eye contact with him.
We stood in silence for a moment before Sirius broke it.
“You came,” he said.
“It’s your birthday,” I said.
“I didn’t know if you’d come.” I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say, ‘Of course I was going to come, I need to see where this goes.’ but I didn’t want to rush it.
Instead I went with, “I didn’t think you’d still be wearing this horrible leather jacket.” He laughed. A deep laugh that weirdly sounded like a bark. I missed that laugh.
I smiled at him. This was a familiar area. I could do this. I’d been doing this my whole life.
“You don’t even try to make an effort for your own birthday,” I rolled my eyes dramatically at him and he went back to smirking.
“Well,” he said and there was a mischievous look in his eye that told me I wouldn’t like where this was going, “someone did.” He looked me up and down and my whole body became hot. I simultaneously wanted to melt on the floor, but also burn him. When his eyes came back up he winked at me and I tried to keep my face neutral.
“Well,” I mocked, “I’m still looking for an eligible partner, I need to be looking my best.” I stuck my chin out at him and he scoffed. I hoped he would see right through me and when he ran a hand through his hair and groaned, I think he finally did.
“You drive me fucking crazy, you know that, princess?” He took a step closer to me and I shrugged.
“You drive me crazy too,” I argued.
“You know,” he paused as if he wasn’t sure he should say what was about to leave his mouth, “I almost didn’t wear this jacket.” I squinted my eyes at him, not entirely sure where this was going. “I knew you wouldn’t like it and for some unknown reason, I wanted to impress you. I’ve never cared about what people thought of me until you came along.” His voice was sincere and I suddenly felt embarrassed. He was so close to me and I was scared he was going to hear my heart beating.
“At least I’ve done you some good,” I said, “by giving you some doubt. You’re too vain.” He laughed. He was looking at me and I was looking at him and I decided that if he could share that with me, then maybe I could share something with him. “I guess,” I started, dragging out the last syllable, “I had you in mind when I decided to wear this dress as well.” I admitted reluctantly.
I’d never seen him smile so big.
“And I’m glad you did.” I rolled my eyes at him playfully and his eyes never left me.
“Oi, lovebirds.” My head snapped around at James Potter’s voice, but before I could send him a vicious glare Sirius grabbed my hand and squeezed it in his own. “Are you going to join us?”
“Shut up, Prongs.” I went to turn around to ask Sirius why he had just called his best friend Prongs, but before I could, he started walking over towards them, my hand still in his meaning I was dragged behind him.
If I was being honest, I didn’t want to sit with his friends. Regardless, they were still blood traitors and I knew going back to Sirius Black would do horrible things for my image, but this would be even worse.
“It’s the birthday boy’s request that you sit with him and his friends, and you wouldn’t deny the birthday boy would you?” He asked, apparently reading my mind. He turned back to talk to me while he continued to walk, my hand in his and my silvery gift bag in the other.
I rolled my eyes, not giving him an answer, but I followed him over to the lounge.
I sat down next to him and he was sitting next to Peter with Remus on one of the adjacent chairs and James, Lily, and Harry squished in another lounge meant for one person.
“So did he make it up to you?” Remus asked and all I could do was blink at him. Sirius slouched in the lounge, putting the bag on one of the tables next to us and placing a hand over my shoulders as I sat up straight, giving Remus a confused look.
“What?” I asked, wishing that Sirius would take over the conversation for me, but he just gave me a guilty look.
“He said you had a fight, but he was going to make it up to you today,” Peter explained and I froze. I guess I wanted Sirius to tell his friends on Halloween that we had broken up, but I never considered how fearful I was about how much detail Sirius would go into.
They were all staring at me expectantly and I wanted to answer them, but I didn’t know how.
“Don’t worry,” Sirius sat forward so he could murmur in my ear, “I didn’t tell them the full story.” I relaxed at that, but I still wanted to know exactly what he had told them.
“Oh,” I started, “uhm,” I turned to face him, but he wasn’t looking at me. His face looked worried. He was blinking fast and I could feel his arm tense around my shoulders and I would be lying if I said I didn’t like the power I held over him. “I guess he did,” I said and they all started cheering.
I was surprised. Sure, they had let me in on St Patrick’s Day, but it was obvious they weren’t fans of our relationship. I wondered what had changed to make them so excited about us.
Sirius finally looked at me and he gave me a sheepish smile and for the first in a long time, I beamed at him.
I leaned towards him, closer to his face so only he could hear me say, “But there is always room for improvement.” He shook his head at me, but pulled me closer to him regardless.
I stayed sitting with him and his friends for the rest of the night. A few people looked at me and gave me some funny looks, but apparently Sirius could tell whenever I saw it happen because he always took my hand in his and made an extra effort to include me in the conversation.
Which, I was actually joining in this time as compared to St Patrick’s Day. And I was learning lots, maybe his friends weren’t thatbad.
Eventually it was time for his cake and we sang and he blew out the candles only to smile back up at me immediately.
When it was time to go I said goodbye to his friends and I only wondered if people had seen me once they had left. It was too late anyway, I had spent most of the night with them. And weirdly, I enjoyed it.
I then went up to my mother and father who were waiting for me before they apparated away.
“Do you mind if I stay here a little longer?” I asked. I was feeling giddy and I wished I was calmer when I asked because my mother gave me an unimpressed look.
“Why? Do you have more blood traitor friends to ruin our image with?” I frowned at her words.
“I-no,” I mumbled, suddenly not so excited.
“Well why do you need to stay here?”
Before I could answer I felt a presence behind me and when they grabbed my hand I squeezed it in my own.
“Birthday boy’s request.” There was a smile on Sirius’ face and I hoped that when he looked down at me and I looked up at him, he didn’t see the way my mother rolled her eyes at him.
“She’s been here long enough,” she said and I looked down at the floor. There was a brief moment of ignorance where I thought Sirius’ words would change her mind, but then I remembered how much my mother disliked him.
“Oh, darling, there you are.” My head snapped up at Walburga’s voice and everyone’s eyes followed her as she came and stood on the other side of me. “You don’t mind if I keep her around a little longer, do you?” She asked, turning to face my mother. “I promise I’ll have her home before midnight.” She laughed and I couldn’t help but laugh as well. I was so shocked at what was happening and it seemed everyone else was as well by the looks on my parents’ faces.
“Oh, I guess that’s alright,” my mother said, but her face was saying something different. Her face was tight and when she smiled, it didn’t reach her eyes.
“Wonderful,” Walburga said, looking down at me, “thank you so much for coming.” She turned back to my parents and waved as they apparated away. My mother gave me one last unimpressed look before she left and then it was just me, Sirius, and Walburga.
I turned to face Walburga to thank her, but she was already putting distance between us, winking at me and walking away to give Sirius and I our space.
“I love your mother,” I said, turning to face him and letting go of his hand. He gave me an unimpressed look and I laughed. “Did you not see what she just did?” He shook his head at me and didn’t say anything.
It was just us, standing apart, facing each other, looking at the other, and when I stopped laughing we were standing in silence. The room was empty. Walburga had left and I was sure she had told Regulus and Orion not to go in either. The music was still playing softly in the background and the mess of the party was still around us.
“I promise I didn’t go into specifics when I told my friends,” he said, eventually breaking the silence.
“Okay,” I said. I was going to continue, but he cut me off.
“I told them that I fucked up because I should have told you how I felt and that I was going to make it up to you tonight, but that was all.” He said quickly.
“You’re very sure of yourself,” I teased and he smiled at me. “I don’t want to tell anyone we fake dated.” I took a step closer to him.
“What do you want to tell them?” He had a cocky look on his face and I hated that he was making me be the one to say it.
“I want to tell them that you’re still annoying me,” I said sarcastically and he chuckled.
“That’s weird,” he said, “I want to tell them that we’re actually dating.” He raised an eyebrow at me and for some reason I reached out to grab his hands.
“I guess I want to tell them that too,” I said and took another step closer to him.
“I should have told you that sooner,” he whispered.
“You should have,” I said.
“I’ve been spending the last year telling myself that I’m not good enough for you, and I’ve never thought that.” I rolled my eyes at him. “It’s the main reason I never said anything to you on Father’s Day and it was definitely the whole reason I reacted how I did at the engagement. You were confirming my biggest fear.” His voice was soft and he was rubbing circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. “That I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“That’s a shitty excuse.”
“It’s not an excuse. I’m a disappointment, I’m doing absolutely nothing with my life,” he stressed, “and you’re you. The golden child.” I gave him an unimpressed look but he only continued. “You could have had absolutely anyone you wanted, I’m sure you know how loved you are to these people and I know a few people who would beg to get a chance to prove themselves to you,” he rambled, “and I got that chance. And all I kept doing was fucking it up and for some reason, you kept showing up.” My heart was pounding in my chest and I wondered if Sirius could feel my pulse as he held onto my hands.
“We made a deal,” I whispered.
“And I kept having to remind myself of that. We were just a deal, there was nothing else involved. But I selfishly thought that we could be more and then you ended it and then I saw you with Nott and he looked like he belonged with you.”
“He wasn’t-”
“He’s rich,” he cut me off, “he can dress himself, he has a stable job, he could give you everything you wanted. I can’t give you everything you want.” I had never seen him so serious and I didn’t like how he was speaking about himself, but this was exactly what I hoped would come out of tonight, so I let him speak.
“I do want a lot of things,” I mumbled and he chuckled softly. “Do you remember on Mother’s Day when I went on that little rant to my mother?” With only us in the room, staring into each other’s eyes, I was sure that it was just Sirius and I in this world, and selfishly, I wanted it to stay this way forever.
“I do,” he said.
“Do you remember what I said?” I could see him replaying the conversation in his mind and I couldn’t help the grin on my face when I watched one develop on his own.
“Yes,” he said.
“Well I’d be willing to give it up to marry someone I loved…Yes mother, we’ve been dating for almost six months, I wouldn’t be with him that long if I didn’t love him.”
“I meant it all. I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it. I’m a horrible liar.” We were so close together that we were only whispering and I liked how intimate it felt.
“You are,” he said, “if it wasn’t for me, everyone would have known we weren’t actually dating.” I shook my head at him and ignored him.
“Well I meant when I said that love isn’t about money, “ I paused and he was smiling down at me, “and I meant it when I said I’d be willing to give up my luxurious lifestyle for someone that I loved.”
“You love Sirius Black?” He was mocking my mother and I gave him an unimpressed look.
“Maybe I do.” I wasn’t sure when it happened, but I knew I loved him. I finally admitted it to myself after Mother’s Day, but it was something that I think I had known for a while. There wasn’t a cathartic moment of realisation, nor was it something that I was really aware of. Falling in love with him was something familiar, something that made me feel safe to be myself comfortable being with him. It happened slowly and it took its time, but I knew it was there, the attraction had been there most of my life and the love was easy to follow.
“Well maybe he loves you back,” he said.
“A girl can dream,” I sighed dreamily and he tugged on my wrists so I had to take a step closer to him. “But I want to keep my job,” I said sheepishly and I suddenly couldn’t meet his eyes. In my mind, Sirius didn’t care that I wanted to keep my job, but I wasn’t sure if that was a reality.
“Of course,” he said and I smiled up at him. “I’d be a much better housewife than you anyway.”
“Well you could also get a job,” I teased.
“Sorry princess,” he frowned, “I’m accustomed to a certain lifestyle.” I scoffed at him and he was laughing and I couldn’t fight the smile spreading across my face.
“So,” I dragged out the syllable, “if I don’t care that you can’t give me everything,” I said, referencing what he had previously said, can you at least give me yourself?” My voice went higher and my shoulders went up and I knew it was cliche and stupid and I felt like an idiot. But I needed him to explicitly say it.
“Only if you let me wear this stupid leather jacket whenever I want.” Of course. I forgot who I was talking to. I hoped he was just teasing.
“Only if you promise to let me wear it when it gets cold,” I challenged. I wasn’t going to let him win. He raised an eyebrow at me and there was amusement written all over his face knowing my distaste for that jacket. “It looks better on me,” I explained.
“I really have ruined you.” He squinted his eyes together and squeezed my hands. “Okay,” he said thinking, “only if you let me take you for a ride on my motorcycle.” I had a feeling we could go on like this for the rest of the night.
“Definitely not,” I said.
“Well then,” he sighed, “sorry princess, but I can’t give you myself then.” I scoffed at him again and removed my hands from his to fold them across my chest.
“Are you serious?” I had never seen such an excited look cross Sirius Black’s face.
“Actually, I am. Sirius” I gave him an unimpressed look even though he looked so proud of himself for finally making that stupid joke.
“Fine,” I stuck my chin out at him, ignoring his laugh, “but only if you let me wear your jacket on the motorcycle because it’ll be cold.” Like I said, I wasn’t going to let him win this.
“I like the sudden interest in you wearing my leather jacket.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“I’m hoping if you see how ridiculous it looks on another person, you’ll stop wearing it.” He opened his mouth to go to say something, but then just pouted.
“That was rude,” he said. I giggled and he started taking his jacket off. “But I do really want to see how stupid it looks, so maybe you could wear it?” It was one of the lamest things I had ever heard him say, but I still took it from him and wrapped it around my shoulders.
I inhaled the scent. Oddly enough, it had become familiar. It didn’t smell strongly of cigarette smoke anymore, but it still lingered, and the distinct odour of wet dog was still there, but weirdly, I didn’t mind it. “Absolutely horrible,” he murmured, shaking his head. “You must take it off immediately.” I sighed and he took a step closer to me and grabbed the back of my arms in his hands.
“Whatever,” I said. “So…” I prompted.
“I guess I can give you myself then,” he said, “princess, will you please be my girlfriend.”
I took a step closer to him and nodded.
For a moment, I was staring into Sirius’ grey eyes and he was staring into mind. We were both quiet and for a moment, I thought we were going to kiss. We were so close I could hear his breath and for a moment, I wanted the world to stop.
“I really want to kiss you,” he whispered.
“Then maybe you should.” Apparently that was all the permission he needed because his lips were immediately on mine.
I was right. Nott was an unusually rough kisser. Sirius was much softer and when his hands moved to cup my face, his touch was gentle and I couldn’t help but lean into it.
He tasted a bit like birthday cake and I had to stop myself from giggling at it. We were both smiling into the kiss and I thought that all of our fights, all of our screaming matches, everything, was all worth it to get to this moment.
Eventually we pulled away when my brain decided that right now was the perfect time to remember what I had put in his bag and I was unbearably embarrassed by it.
“I should get going,” I said apologetically. He frowned, unsure about my sudden change in mood. “I don’t want my mother to stress. And Sirius?” He nodded his head at me, a concerned look on his face, “please open my gift in private.”
His face changed to one of shock but I didn’t want to explain it to him. I was already humiliated, but there was also a part of me that really didn’t want to take it out so instead I kissed his cheek and quickly said, “write to me, I want to see you soon,” before apparating away.
I knew Sirius Black quite well and I knew that he was going to immediately go and open my present.
“So?” My mother asked as soon as I walked into the kitchen. My heart was pounding and the embarrassment had subsided and been replaced with that giddy feeling I had felt earlier. “Are you together?” She eyed the leather jacket I was still wearing, but I chose to ignore it.
“Yes,” I said confidently, “we are together.”
“Well let’s hope this time it works out.” When I ignored the way she immediately went up to bed after she said it, it sounded nice, and so I decided to look at it in a positive way as I made my way upstairs and got ready for bed.
When I was comfortable and in my pyjamas, the leather jacket resting on my computer chair, I went to get into bed but before I could, there was a familiar knocking on my window and I almost tripped as I raced to open it.
There he was, still in the same clothes he was wearing this afternoon, an urgent look on his face. I opened the window and before he could enter he croaked out, “Princess, I think you’re going to kill me.”
He came in and I closed the window behind him so the cool air wouldn’t get in. I was giggling up at him and he looked like he was trying to control himself.
“That picture was,” he paused, “really,” he struggled to find the right word, “something.”
“Wow,” I laughed, “that makes me feel sogood about myself.” He took a step closer to me.
“Can I kiss you?”
“Please.” We were kissing once more and Sirius’ palms were cupping my cheeks and I was leaning into his touch and all I could think about was his lips on mine.
He still tasted a bit like birthday cake and when neither of us pulled away, I reached out to grab onto his shirt.
We stayed like that until eventually I pulled away when I needed to breathe. But apparently Sirius couldn’t get enough of me because he struggled to pull away and as soon as we were no longer kissing, he brought his lips back down to peck my own.
“I’m sorry,” he said, squishing my cheeks together as he brought my face closer to him so he could peck them again, “I’ve been dying to do this for ages,” he kissed me again, “I just,” another kiss, “can’t,” another, “help myself,” and one more. I was smiling up at him like an idiot and he was grinning down at me and I couldn’t believe that what I wanted had finally come to fruition. “I can’t believe you’re my girlfriend
“Alright loverboy.” I rolled my eyes and stood back from him. “Here,” I said, picking up his leather jacket, “I forgot to give this back to you.” I passed it to him, but he shook his head.
“You keep it, so you can wear it when I take you for a ride on my motorbike.” I groaned and he laughed.
I answered him with another kiss and he seemed to like that because his eyes crinkled as he smiled down at me.
“I have to get back to help clean up, will I see you soon?” I nodded up at him and watched him leave.
When I went to bed that night I couldn’t sleep. I had been thinking about this for a while, but I didn’t want to relive the humiliation of it so I kept pushing it to the back of my mind. But now I couldn’t stop myself from it.
I was suddenly twelve again. I was sitting in the Great Hall when there was a bang. I hadn’t been at Hogwarts for that long, but I knew that it was the sound of a dungbomb going off, but this was the first time I had ever been close to one.
I was sitting with Narcissa and a few other girls from my year along with some of Narcissa’s friends, and it seemed that they had all been a target as well. Most of the people sitting around us were.
It seemed the whole room was confused, but I could hear the laughter of no doubt the Gryffindors who would be the only ones immature enough to do something like this.
I had my hand covering my nose to protect myself from the horrid smell, so when I looked up and saw Narcissa with red hair, she couldn’t see the way my jaw hung open.
She had her hand in a similar position, but I saw the shock in her eyes and I heard her gasp and I knew my hair must have looked the same.
At this moment, everything was fine. Sure, we were going to have to go shower, change our uniform and be late for class, and yes, we would have had to do the charm to fix our hair and hope that we didn’t stuff it up and lose it instead, but that was all manageable.
Sure, I was angry and embarrassed and I wanted the people who had done this to suffer, but I was resilient and I knew life would go on.
But then I looked around the room. I knew everyone would be watching us, but then I saw him. Sirius Black. Him and his stupid group of friends were laughing and I was hurt. He was looking at me and he was laughing.
I couldn’t fight the frown on my face and I know Sirius saw it too. But he turned away. And then another round of dungbombs went off and they laughed louder and I dramatically stormed out of the room, not caring if I left my friends behind.
It was, of course, Sirius and his friends. There was no doubt about it. They were always doing stupid things like this, especially to Slytherins and now I wasn’t so sure why I was still defending him.
I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew that it was because I had never been on the receiving end of any of their antics, so I could easily say, “It’s his friends! They’re a bad influence.” Or “They’re just harmless pranks, he’s still the stupid kid we grew up with.” whenever people spoke badly of him, but really, I knew how he felt about Slytherins and about our society and I knew they weren’t harmless. I guess I thought that I was an exception to it.
Because we were friends. We still spoke, we still got along. But he knew it got me, he knew it would have got me, and he still let it happen. I was stupid to ever think I was an exception to him.
I cried the whole way to the dormitory. I didn’t care. I was hurt and upset and humiliated and I didn’t want to leave my dormitory for the rest of the year.
But when I walked into the Slytherin Common Room, someone was already there.
“What happened to you?” I sniffled and wiped my eyes as the door shut behind me.
“Your stupid brother,” I spat and Regulus stiffened.
“I’m sure he didn’t know that it hit you.” I wondered how Regulus knew exactly what I wanted to be true, but unfortunately, I knew it wasn’t.
“He did,” I huffed, “he saw me and he still did it.” My voice broke at the end, but I bit my lip so I wouldn’t start sobbing.
“I would hug you, but you know,” he said awkwardly, giving me an apologetic look. I probably smelled horrible.
“That’s okay,” I sniffled and went up to my dormitory.
As it turned out, Sirius and his friends weren’tstupid and there was no charm that me, my friends, nor Madame Pomfrey could use to get the red hair dye out and with two hits from the dungbombs, it seemed to linger on my skin for weeks.
I decided that Sirius no longer deserved my protection if I didn’t have his, and so, I made the mature decision to ignore him. And it didn’t take him too long to figure that out either.
The very next day he came up to me in the library. My friends sent him daggers, but I didn’t even look up from my book.
“Nice hair,” he sniggered. I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to hit him. I wanted him to know how much he hurt me. But I took a deep breath and kept reading my book. Or pretended to. “I think it suits you.” He was standing behind me and I wasn’t going to turn around.
I took another deep breath. I wasn’t going to give in. “But I do think you need to invest in another perfume.” He wasn’tgoing to get a rise out of me. I could tell that he knew I was purposefully ignoring him because his voice started getting more desperate. “Do you think your mother will like your new look?” I counted to ten in my head. “I thought it was funny,” he mumbled.
One of my friends sighed and stood up. They had been ignoring Sirius their whole life so really, how hard could it be?
“How about we go find somewhere quiet to study?” One of them asked.
“Please,” I said, staring right into Sirius’ grey eyes as I said it.
He looked dumbfounded. He looked like someone had hit him. He looked hurt that I was ignoring him as if he hadn’t publicly humiliated me.
But that was it. I didn’t want anything to do with him. I was no longer going to defend him because all of the nasty things people had been saying about him were true, it had just taken me a while to see it.
I wondered what twelve-year-old me would be thinking right now. I don’t think she’d be happy. Or, maybe she would be because the whole reason she was upset was because all she wanted was for Sirius Black to like her, but that prank just showed her that he didn’t really care about her. He knowingly humiliated her and that crushed her.
It was probably why nineteen-year-old me was so heartbroken when he humiliated her at the engagement. It was uncovering an old wound that I never really let heal properly in the first place.
I sighed. I really hoped that was over. I really wanted this to work.
Pairing: Sirius Black x Female Reader Word Count: 7.3k Synopsis: Her and Sirius have a complicated relationship and things get even more complicated when they agree to start a fake relationship to get their parents off their back Warnings: swearing, getting drunk, costumes ;), there’s nothing wrong with what she does at the end, but she thinks it’s wrong because of her upbringing
I felt like a complete fool after I had gone to Sirius’. Nothing had come out of it and I felt stupid that I had originally thought something would.
My mother wasn’t speaking to me and my father was only communicating with me when he had to. The worst part was that my mother probably assumed that Sirius and I were dating. She already thought I was stupid enough for rejecting Tiberius, but I didn’t want to know what she’d do if she found that I didn’t have anyone to fall back on.
I guess part of me wondered if I should have stayed with Tiberius. It’s not like he was a bad boyfriend. I would have had my respectable and comfortable life. I would have been currently preparing for the wedding. I would probably have had to put in my notice at work because my mother nor Tiberius would want me to be working. I would have been miserable because I wouldn’t be with Sirius.
It went like this.
Everything I did reminded me of Sirius. All I could do was picture him sitting next to me on my bed on Easter whenever I was in my room. When I was in the kitchen all I could think about was when I had stood up for him to my mother on Mother’s Day. When I was working I’d be seeing him in the people around me, even if they never could compare to him.
And for a second I’d forget that everything was wrong. It was almost as if I had convinced myself that everything went right that night I went to his house on Father’s Day. Then I’d remember how he pulled away and didn’t say anything and I went home like an idiot.
How could I be so foolish? I’d think. But then I’d remember how he always apologised and how he had given me such a thoughtful gift and how he had respected all of my high maintenance wishes during our fake relationship. So I’d start to blame him. Heledmeon. This was the boy who relentlessly annoyed me as a kid and who I grew to despise during my teenage years. This was the boy who came on my birthday just to tell me that he forgot we weren’t dating when he knew I was with someone else.
Then, my mind would wander to the future. I was twenty now and I had no possible husbands and who would even want me after the humiliating way my last two relationships had ended?
So I tried to think of something else, until minutes later I’d see something that reminded me of Sirius and I’d go down the stupid spiral again.
I was so overwhelmed and frustrated and a part of me thought I was going insane.
And I knew I definitely was when a few days after Father’s Day I received a letter from Sirius. I snatched the letter a bit too roughly from the owl and felt bad so I gave it extra treats. It was nibbling at my hand while I stared at the stupid neat cursive writing I had gotten all too familiar with.
How is my princess? I hope you’re feeling okay. You shouldn’t be worried, but if you are the only person you should be worried about is yourself. I’m here for you.
Sirius xx
It felt like he was taunting me. I’m here for you. But was he really? He wasn’t there for me on Father’s Day.
I went to reply straight away. There were a few things I’d like to say to him. I sat at my desk and pulled a quill out, the ink dripping haphazardly on my desk as I started scribbling. I’m sure he wouldn’t even notice if my writing was messy.
Sirius,
I began, but then I began tapping the end of my quill on the desk. Maybe I didn’t know what to say to him.
I’m not okay.
That was a good start.
I’m not sure why I went over to your house that night, maybe you should forget it ever happened. I wish Icould forget that it ever happened.
The words were coming much easier now and I was writing them down as quickly as I could.
Why didn’t anything happen? Do you think anything could happen between us?
I paused as I realised how desperate it sounded. I couldn’t send this. And I knew I wasn’t going to, but for some reason I continued.
I could’ve been planning the wedding of my dreams right now but I stupidly gave it up for someone who doesn’t even like me back. I think I’m going insane. Not to be dramatic, but if you were sorted in Slytherin, I think I’d be planning our wedding right now.
I let my quill fall on the desk and quickly ripped the note up before throwing it away. I was fighting back tears. Everything was falling apart. Word had quickly gotten out that I had rejected Tiberius, like I thought it would, and after everything that had happened with Sirius this past year, I was sure that there wouldn’t be a lot of words in my favour.
Before I could start crying I put Sirius’ note in the top desk of my drawer where all the other notes he had written for me were stored. His stupid, perfect, elegant script was standing out at me, mocking me, spiting me.
I never replied to him.
~~~
The next celebration was Halloween and unfortunately, it was at Grimmauld Place so I had a pretty good feeling Sirius was going to make an appearance and that was just something else to add to the list of things I was losing my mind over.
I wasn’t entirely sure why the noble wizarding society celebrated Halloween. No one ever really got dressed up besides the young people. I was sure it was just an excuse to eat good food and drink bubbles. Not that I was complaining. I really needed an excuse to eat good food and let the bubbles help me forget how shit my life was becoming.
The outfits were always pretty tame. Most of the older individuals would wear masks and call it a day and the younger ones usually just went with something that was very low key and easily accessible in their wardrobe.
Last year I went as an angel. I wore a short white dress and charmed some wings to flutter, and a halo to light up.
“You’re not a very convincing angel,” an annoying voice murmured in my ear that night. I turned to face the familiar voice and scowled. Sirius was wearing black slacks which actually fit him quite well and a white t-shirt with black suspenders. There was a fake blood stain on one side of his shirt and he had a fake muggle gun in his pocket.
“And what are you meant to be?” I asked boredly.
“A mafia boss,” he responded as if it was obvious. I looked him up and down and gave him an unconvincing look.
“At least people know what I am.” I shrugged, walking towards one of the tables and grabbing a chocolate. Unfortunately, he followed. “And of course I’m a convincing angel, I’m angelic.” He laughed loudly as I unwrapped the chocolate and ate it.
“That’s what everything thinks,” he said, “but only if they knew the way you spoke to me.” I rolled my eyes at him. “An angel wouldn’t roll their eyes at me,” he argued. “Sometimes you hurt my feelings, y'know, and I don’t think that’s very angelic.” He gave me a dramatic pout and I gave him a judgemental look.
“Have you ever stopped to think that maybe that’s your fault? If you’re the only one who doesn’t see me as an angel then you’re the anomaly.” I shrugged and he smirked at me.
“Please,” he said, “I’m not trying to fool anyone, I know I’m a demon.”
“I’d say you’re more of a devil,” I hummed, as if I was really thinking about it. He went to say something but I saw Narcissa walking past and quickly called out to her and left Sirius by himself.
It was weird to think that at that moment I had no idea what was to happen in the following year. I had no idea how close Sirius and I were going to become.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to go as this year. I was so busy with work and all of these horrendous thoughts constantly swirling through my head that, if I was being honest, I hadn’t even thought about it.
Now, it was the night before Halloween and I had no idea what to do. It was midnight and I was exhausted. I thought maybe I could go as an angel again. I usually would never repeat an outfit in such a big crowd, but I was desperate and I think, at the moment, people had much worse things to say about me than the fact that I was an outfit repeater.
I contemplated asking my mother in the morning, but we were still playing the silent game and I wasn’t going to admit defeat nor was I willing for her to find out that I had rejected Tiberius for nothing.
The light in my walk-in wardrobe was harsh on my tired eyes and I groaned as I flicked through my clothes and found a lack of costumes. When I got to the end I gave them a much larger push than what was necessary in frustration, moving them away from the wall and revealing a piece of fabric that I had shoved in the corner.
For a brief second of ignorant bliss I forgot what it was and bent down to pick it up. I huffed when I realised it was that stupid outfit Sirius had bought me on Valentine’s Day. I rolled my eyes at the memory and threw it quickly back in the corner, folding my arms and huffing again as I walked to sit on the seat on my dresser.
Stupid Sirius.
Stupid Sirius who calls me princess. Stupid Sirius who found a new nickname for me when I told him not to call me darling. Stupid Sirius who tried to call me princess to annoy me, but continued when he found out I liked it because, foolishly, that was all I ever wanted to be. A princess. A princess with a respectable and comfortable life. His princess.
I sat up straighter at the thought. Of course. A princess.
~~~
My parents were dressed elegantly, with masks covering their eyes. We were waiting outside Grimmauld Place waiting until more people moved in so we could escape the cool air. The sun had just set and with no beaming light, it was chilly outside.
We stood there in awkward silence until we were let in. I could hear gothic music playing from inside and I wanted to comment on it, but we hadn’t spoken all afternoon and stubbornly, I wasn’t going to be the one to break it.
“Welcome,” Walburga’s face was tight as she looked at the three of us. She sent me a relaxed smile, but it was so quick I wouldn’t have been surprised if I imagined it.
“Thank you for having us.” My mother gave her a tight lipped smile remembering the last time they spoke and we walked in. I wasn’t entirely sure, but I was confident in my guess that my mother and Walburga hadn’t been on speaking terms since the Lestrange engagement which made me quite sad considering they were close before.
I departed from my parents and made my way around to greet my friends. A few people complimented me on my outfit, but most people were either unashamedly staring at me as if they couldn’t believe I had shown up or were giving me sympathetic smiles. I wasn’t sure what was worse.
I understood it. I guessed. A lot of people originally thought I was an idiot for going out with Sirius Black, and then most of them would have thought the scene between Sirius and myself was too dramatic, and now that everyone knew I had turned down Tiberius, I couldn’t even imagine what they thought of me.
I walked around and admired the decorations, trying to ignore the stares from the people around me. There were carved pumpkins illuminating the room and cobwebs hanging from all surfaces with fake spiders charmed to look like they were spinning the web. There were some ghost and monster artefacts lying around as well, but more importantly, there were chocolates and lollies thrown around the table and I couldn’t resist. I went to grab a chocolate and began to unwrap it before I was interrupted.
“Princess?” I didn’t even get a chance to taste the chocolate.
“What?” I turned around to face him and scowl, but my mouth was left open in shock instead. I had worn a pink glittery dress. It was fitted around my chest and the sleeves hung loosely around my biceps. It flared out at the bottom and I was wearing sparkly heels to match the sparkly diamond tiara in my hair that I, fortunately, already had. Sirius had come in an old fashioned suit. He had a puffy white shirt on and a navy blue vest, and in his long curly hair that looked as neat as I had ever seen it was a golden plastic crown. “What the fuck?”
I frowned as I looked him up and down and he did the same to me, but he was beaming. I was suddenly a bit annoyed that Sirius had matched me. I thought I was so smart for coming as a princess and maybe a part of me wanted to see his reaction to it because I thought he wouldn’t even expect it, but apparently he had because he was a prince.
“I knew you’d come as a princess.” I frowned because I didn’t even know I was coming as a princess over twelve hours ago.
“Don’t you think this is more of a couples outfit?” The chocolate was beginning to make my fingers sticky so I ate it, focusing on my chewing to get my mind off this.
I hadn’t even considered how bad it would look for me to be seen with Sirius so soon after I had broken up with and then rejected Nott because I was so affronted. Everything was so confusing and I just wanted people to like me and to be that golden child once more, but I just wasn’t sure how.
“Oh.” Sirius looked a bit flustered and I tried to remember a time I had ever seen him like this. “I mean I guess, I just thought it would be funny.”
“Sure,” I rolled my eyes and patted his chest before walking away. I didn’t really know what to say. My heart was pounding and my palms were hot so I grabbed a glass of champagne from a server passing by and drank it in one sip. I don’t know why but I thought it would cool me down. Maybe it would relax me and that was exactly what I needed.
The most drunk I had ever gotten at one of these events was on New Years Eve when Sirius and I were still doing our fake relationship charade. I didn’t like getting too drunk because it was never a good image. But my image wasn’t in everyone’s favour at the moment and I figured if there was ever a chance for me to get absolutely smashed on bubbles, now was the time.
Besides, I really needed to stop thinking about everything that had happened to me these past few months. I needed a break from the constant thought of Sirius in my mind and how stupid I was to ever think he liked me back. And from the constant nagging of my mother’s voice in my head telling me how foolish I was to reject Nott’s proposal. I needed the worries of what would happen to me to go away and I was feeling pretty confident that if I drank enough champagne, everything would just disappear and life would become easier. For just a few hours.
I walked around the room, trying to seem natural as I tried to find another server with champagne. As I made my way across the room I noticed some of Sirius’ friends were there. Only James, Lily, Peter, and Remus. I foolishly wondered where Harry was.
I wondered why his friends were even here. I had seen them at his birthday celebrations, but they had never shown up to these high society events. I wondered what he had to do to convince Walbruga to let in a bunch of blood traitors. If I didn’t have a million other things to worry about, I would have dwelled on it.
Instead, I found another server and drank the glass in one sip. When I looked up I made the mistake of making eye contact with Lily Potter who waved over at me and motioned for me to come to her as if we were good friends.
There were alarm bells going off in my head. Firstly, I found it strange that she was being so friendly to me after being so not-friendly my entire Hogwarts experience. Especially after I had broken up with one of her good friends. Surely he had told them and had said horrible things about me. It was the Sirius thing to do. Then, there was the issue that she was a muggleborn and even if my reputation was already tarnished, I knew the one way to make it worse was to be seen talking to a muggleborn.
I looked around to make sure she was waving at me and not someone else, and when I turned back, she was already making her way towards me.
“Hi!” She beamed and I thought she also must have had something to drink because it was a stark contrast to the way she greeted me on St. Patrick’s Day.
She walked over to me and gave me a hug and I tensed as I quickly wrapped one arm around her and immediately pulled away. I looked over at his other friends who waved at me and I awkwardly waved back. They were sitting on one of the lounges in the corner. James and Lily were wearing matching pirate costumes, Peter had D.I.Y mouse ears resting on his head, and I wasn’t sure what or who Remus was, but he had on a long coat and was carrying a book I wasn’t familiar with.
The right thing to do was to quickly tell her that she looked nice and that I hope her and her family are well before politely excusing myself before anyone saw I was talking to her, but the champagne must have started to effect me because instead I stupidly asked, “Where’s Harry?”
“He’s at home,” she pouted, “this is our first night without him.” For some reason, I frowned. “It’s so cute that you and Sirius wore matching outfits.” I gave her a weary look and let out an awkward chuckle. She seemed happy and I was very confused, but I didn’t really want to talk to her about whatever was going on between myself and Sirius Black.
“I guess we just know each other too well.” It wasn’t a lie.
She practically squealed and I tried to steady my breathing as I thought about how bad this would look to anyone watching. Sure, my life was already about to be over, but I could get out of this and find a respectable husband, get married, have children and pretend that this last year never even happened. But to be seen with a muggleborn? My life would be over forever.
“Are you stealing my friends, princess?” There was an arm over my shoulder and I shrugged it off.
“I was just saying how cute you two look.” I could see Lily smiling out of my peripheral vision as I glared up at Sirius who was giving me an amused smirk.
“Don’t we always?” He asked before breaking eye contact with me. Lily rolled her eyes and turned around as James called out to her and she walked away, leaving me alone with Sirius.
“Are you okay?” I nodded, but I didn’t look at him. “I have to admit something.” For the tiniest second I thought that I was going to get what I went over to his house on Father’s Day for and I quickly turned to face him. “I never told them we broke up.” I was so ready to hear the words I had been longing to hear that it took me a moment to process what he said.
“What?”
“Well it just happened all of a sudden and I thought that we’d get back together, but then you got with Nott and I didn’t want to tell them that because then it would seem like you left me for him, which you kinda did, and-”
“You need to stop talking.” I was on the verge of tears for some reason and I looked up at the ceiling so they wouldn’t fall.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“Yeah,” I said.
We stood in silence for a moment as I continued to stare at the ceiling. Sirius didn’t say anything and I was grateful because I didn’t want him to see me cry and I knew that if I had to speak, I would. So he just watched me try not to. I half wished he would leave, but the other half of me was glad he didn’t.
“Aren’t you two just the cutest matching couple?” I turned away from the ceiling when I heard Regulus’ voice. “It’s so cute I want to vomit.” He rested an arm on Sirius’ shoulder and finished whatever was in his cup. He was wearing devil horns and he had a plastic pitchfork in the hand that wasn’t holding his drink.
“Shut up, Regulus.” Sirius groaned, but I only smiled at him. Regulus seemed to like that I was on his side because he continued.
“I’m so happy you made up, it was getting boring seeing Sirius all mopey and sad,” he pouted dramatically, “did he tell you that mother even let him invite his blood traitor friends because he was so upset about it?” He turned to smirk at Sirius whose jaw was clenched as he glared at Regulus. I had been under a few of Sirius Black’s glares, but I had never seen any as intense as this one. Normally, I would’ve laughed at his dramatic nature, or teased Sirius about this information that Regulus had so kindly shared, but I was feeling a little fuzzy and thought that if he was that upset about me breaking up with him, he should’ve done something about it.
“Who said we made up?” I folded my arms across my chest and gave an innocent look to them both.
Regulus let out an awkward chuckle and cleared his throat.
“That’s embarrassing, isn’t it? I need another drink.” He pushed himself off Sirius, gave him a look that I didn’t understand, and quickly walked off leaving me alone to avoid Sirius’ gaze.
“What does that mean? Are you still angry at me?” I wanted to walk away, but for some reason I stood still and met his gaze, giving him an unimpressed look.
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why not?” I couldn’t really explain it because I felt like he wouldn’t understand and I didn’t need this to escalate and turn into something else to make me mad at him.
“You’re insane,” he grumbled and I huffed at him.
“You’reinsane.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes at my horrible attempt to get the last word in.
He was so infuriating. The whole reason I had said no to Nott was so that I could be with him, and maybe it wasn’t his fault for wanting me back, but it was his fault for making me think that he wanted me. Right? But then, did he really show that he wanted me?
I was working myself up. This was why I needed more champagne. I wanted to stop thinking about this.
“I also need another drink.“ I stormed off and I heard him go to say something, but then sigh in frustration before I assume he went to go and sit down with his friends.
I walked around the room, casually trying to find a server with more champagne. When I did, I drank it again in one gulp. Usually, my goal was to drink just enough to keep me sane and confident while talking to all of these people, but tonight, I just wanted to forget everything that had happened this year. Which was why I needed another one.
“You shouldn’t drink so fast, you’ll get a headache.” A voice said as I turned to pass my empty glass to the server and I frowned as I picked up another.
“I thought you weren’t talking to me,” I said to my mother, holding the new glass in my hand. I also didn’t want to have this conversation right now. I knew I made a stupid decision and I didn’t need my mother knowing that.
“I saw you talking to those blood traitors,” she whispered as if someone might hear us over the music and chatter. I wanted to roll my eyes, but I was scared because if she saw, then who else?
“They were speaking to me,” I shrugged. What was worse was that Lily wasn’t a blood traitor, she was a muggleborn. But I wasn’t going to remind my mother of that.
“Like that makes a difference to these people.” She rolled her eyes and I nervously tugged at one of the layers on my dress. “You’ve already ruined us by rejecting Nott and going back to Sirius.” At his name I shot a glance over at him. I was sad and I was sure that it was reflected in my face because when my mother followed my gaze she gave me a doubtful look. “You went to Sirius’ house on Father’s Day, didn’t you?”
I felt like I was being interrogated and I knew what was coming.
“Yes.” She couldn’t prove anything from that.
“So you could be with Sirius?” I was a horrible liar and I was scared she’d see right through me.
“That was the plan.” When I didn’t look at her she put two and two together.
“You stupid girl,” she emphasised each word and I felt a wave of heat wash over me in humiliation. I already knew how stupid I was, I didn’t want her knowing that or reminding me. “But you’re not together?”
“No,” I mumbled softly in hopes she wouldn’t hear. She let out a manic laugh.
“I was eventually going to forgive you because I thought you at least had Sirius to fall back on. You and Tiberius were only together for a few short months, I could have made sure everyone forgot about them. But you gave up on a respectable marriage with no one to fall back on?” She laughed and I felt like a child again. So helpless. “You’re not my daughter.”
A server walked past with more champagne and my mother took one and walked away, mumbling under breath and shaking her head. I drank the champagne in my hand in one sip before getting a new one from the same server. I felt like I was going to cry so I quickly walked away, trying to find a less crowded place.
I think what upset me the most was knowing that I was right. Everyone here thought I was an idiot. That I was stupid. I was never going to be the golden child again and that was the hardest hit I had received from reality.
I sighed when I realised how alone I was. I had gotten used to having Sirius on my arm and annoying me at these events and now, I had absolutely no one.
I made my way over to sit on one of the empty chairs in the corner and I skulled my drink so I could get a new one from one of the servers as I walked past.
When I sat down I felt it hit me. My legs turned to jelly and I was feeling very light-headed. I decided to give myself a little break as I held the new champagne glass loosely in my hand. I also didn’t want to have to stand up and find another one anytime soon, my feet were already hurting from my shoes and I wasn’t sure I’d be able to hold myself up either.
I was happy to sit down and be upset with my thoughts, but before I could process what was happening I could hear a chair scraping towards me and before I knew it I was sitting next to Tiberius Nott.
“Hi,” he said. I stared at him dumbly.
“Hi,” I eventually muttered back. What was going on?
“How are you?” He didn’t seem angry, but he did seem upset and now I was even more sad then what I was when I decided to sit here like a loner.
“I’m really sorry.” I frowned up at him and he gave me a sad smile back.
“It’s okay,” he said, but it wasn’t convincing. “I just,” he turned to face me better, “I don’t understand what you see in Black.” It was like my eyes knew where he was because they instantly found him. I turned back to Tiberius to be respectful. “You could have so much more, do you know how many people in this room would do anything to be with you?” I gave him a confused look.
“No they wouldn’t.” I wanted to tell him that my parents, that I, had been trying to find someone my whole life and I kept coming up short, but I didn’t want to sound more pathetic than what I already felt.
“They would,” he insisted, “everyone’s mother loves you, you’re pretty, smart, and successful, and there are some eligible people out there if you look properly.” I couldn’t hold his gaze anymore so I looked down at the champagne glass in my hand. “And even after all of this, I know if you asked any one of these guys absolutely anything, their answer would always be yes.” I felt like he was telling me that I shouldn’t wait for people to ask me and should instead ask them, but I wasn’t sure why considering our history. I thought he would be mad at me, so I wasn’t expecting this.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I don’t want to see you throw away the life you deserve. I got to know you quite well in those few months, do you really want to give everything up for a boy?” I wanted to laugh and say, ‘What? And give everything up for a manlike you?’ but even though my head was incredibly fuzzy, I knew that would be cruel when Tiberius was trying to help me.
There was so much to think about and I couldn’t meet his eyes. He let out a sigh and rested the palms of his hands on thighs. “Do with that what you will, I’m sorry we didn’t work out.”
I wanted to tell him that I was sorry too. That I didn’t mean for us to end on bad terms and that I didn’t want to absolutely humiliate him in front of both our families. I had been the one humiliated in the past, I knew how horrible it felt.
I also wanted to thank him for giving me this confidence boost which I currently needed, but he was gone and I was sitting by myself again.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised he was right. Just because I had two failed relationships in the span of a few months didn’t mean that I couldn’t still be the golden child. If anything, it should look bad on Sirius and Tiberius for not being able to keepthegolden child.
I finished the rest of the champagne in my glass which was a bad idea because I wobbled when I stood up.
But maybe, no one cared what I had done or what I did or what I was about to do. No one was staring at me anymore, they all had enough champagne in their systems to become so self absorbed that my issues were nothing to them.
I looked around the room and I found him.
Even Rosier was a year younger than me. He was in Slytherin, he came from a pureblood family, and he was cute. We had always been friendly growing up, but because we weren’t in the same year we were never exceptionally close, despite being in the same friend group. I wasn’t sure what I planned to gain out of this, all I knew was that he was attractive and Sirius didn’t like him.
Regulus had always been close with him and I knew that Regulus might tease me for the decisions I was about to make, but he would never judgeme for it. At least, that’s what I thought.
So I wobbled over to Regulus and Evan who were sitting on one of the main lounges. I squished myself right between them and pushed my hair back so it was out of my face.
“Hello,” Regulus chuckled.
“Hi,” I giggled, looking directly at Evan and giving my back to Regulus. Evan was smiling back, a look of amusement crossing his face as he took me in. We were staring at each other and I was blinking fast and I was feeling dizzy, but I tried not to let it show.
“Are you drunk?” Regulus asked and I flickered my eyes back and over to him for a second before returning to Evan.
“Why would you ask that?” I was still giggling and Evan chuckled. Regulus scoffed and for a moment I thought the scoff had negative connotations associated with it. “I haven’t spoken to you in so long.” I pouted up at Evan and he smirked.
“Too long.” I felt the lounge lift up and noticed that I no longer felt Regulus’ knee against mine, but my attention was focused only on Evan. “How have you been?” I wanted to tell him that I hadn’t been doing great. That I was actually really upset and was having an almost quarter-life crisis, but I knew even in my horrendously drunk state that that wasn’t going to turn this conversation in the direction I wanted it to go.
“You know me,” I shrugged, but I never got to finish the rest of the sentence because someone was standing in front of me and clearing their throat.
“Can we talk?” I glared up at the prince standing in front of me.
“I’m talking to Evan,” I motioned between us, giving him an incredulous look.
“Well you can talk another time, this is more important.” I stared up at him, raising an eyebrow at him. I wasn’t going to move and he wasn’t going to force me to move so I guess we were stuck at this stalemate.
“Evan, move.” His voice was low and it sounded rough so Evan stood up.
“Hey!” I complained, reaching my arm out for Evan, but he was standing too far away and I couldn’t reach him. “That’s rude.”
“I’ll talk to you later.” He gave me a soft smile, but then he glared at Sirius. I wasn’t sure where Regulus was, but Sirius was now sitting next to me and facing me. I turned so he got my side profile.
“Are we okay?” He asked.
“Why wouldn’t we be?” I was getting sick of him continuously asking me this. I still wasn’t looking at him, but I could tell that he was also getting frustrated at my answers.
“You just broke up with Nott.” I wanted to thank him for stating the obvious, but my mind was very fuzzy and the words weren’t coming out fast enough,
“No,” I said, “I declined his marriage proposal. Now I need to find someone else or I’ll look stupid.”
“What about me?” His voice was so soft that I turned to face him so I could give him a reassuring smile and promise him that the reason I had broken up with Nott was so that I could have him.
He was looking at me with these sad eyes that I had never seen before. I felt bad that I had upset him.
No. I was supposed to be angry at him. With my head spinning I wasn’t entirely sure why anymore, but that wasn’t important.
For some reason, I decided to hurt him further. Maybe if I hurt him how he hurt me we would be even and then we could move on. Or something like that. My thoughts were too slow in my very fuzzy brain.
“What about you?” I gave him a bored look as if he was wasting my time and that must have made him angry because he scoffed and said in a low voice, “you’re drunk.”
“Yes, I am,” I confirmed, “and what about it?” He shook his head at me. “I still know that after I rejected Nott no one came to make me an offer, so I guess I’m all alone.”
“Are you kidding me?” His voice had gotten louder but when I shot him a dirty look he continued so only I could hear him. “You were fucking bawling your eyes, pouring your heart out to me. You were vulnerable and I wasn’t going to take advantage of that.” He had a point but everything was hazy and all I cared about was the fact that I needed his validation more than anything that night and I hadn’t got it.
“Well why do you think I came over?” It was my turn for my voice to get loud but he didn’t care. “So I could tell you my sob story and leave? I came over because I wanted you to tell me I had made the right decision, that I was going to be okay.” My voice broke. “That we were going to be okay.” I finally took a quick glance around the room. No one even seemed to care that we were talking and for some reason that made me relax. “But you didn’t, so now I need to find someone else so everyone can forget about the stupid mistakes I’ve made this year.”
“You never replied to my letter.” He had a challenging look in his eye and for some reason, I thought he had won whatever this was.
“I didn’t know what to say.” I stuck my chin out as if I thought I still had a chance of winning. “Of course I wasn’t doing well, but we’re barely even friends so why should I let you know?”
“Why’d you come as a princess, then?” He had moved closer to me. His thigh was squished against mine and somehow our faces had gotten very close.
“Why’d you come as a prince?” I challenged a little too quickly.
“Because I’m charming,” he said sarcastically.
“Well I’m elegant.”
“Sure, princess.” We both rolled our eyes.
But for some reason my whole body had turned hot at the way he said that. Sure, princess.
There was just something about it that just made me feel…hot. I knew I was drunk because for some reason I was now nervous to look at Sirius. Nervous to look into his grey eyes that were always searching mine in a way that made me feel he really wanted to know what was behind them for whatever reason. I didn’t want to notice the way I knew his jaw would be clenched or the way his facial bones always stuck out. I chose instead to focus on his hand which was resting on the side of his thigh, but that was a mistake because he had long fingers and veiny hands and for some reason my heart was beating really quickly and I was still so hotand-
“I have to go.” I couldn’t read the look on his face and I didn’t want to stare at it too long so I walked the other way.
I quickly found my mother and muttered, “I drank too much, I’m going home,” which, really, wasn’t a lie. She let out a noise as if she thought I was being ridiculous, but she didn’t fight me and so I walked outside and apparated back home.
I went straight up to my bed and was quickly taking my dress off. I was just so hot.
I went to put my dress back in my closet before I saw that stupid piece of fabric again in the corner. I pulled it up and held it in front of me. It was so short I didn’t think it would even completely cover my bum.
I stared at it. It was pink and glittery and in some ways, it reminded me of the dress I had just put away.
I still had my tiara and high heels on.
For some reason, I decided to put the stupid piece of fabric on. I guess you could say it fit, but it would be better to say that it fit how it was meant to. It unsettled me that Sirius had guessed my size accurately, but I didn’t want to dwell on it and with the bubbles still travelling through my body, it was easy to forget.
I looked good. I always looked good. But I always dressed modestly and elegantly, my mother would have a heart attack if I ever wore anything as short as this. I’m not sure if it was the confidence boost that Tiberius had given me, or the bubbles coursing through me, or even what Sirius had said moments before, but I was feeling a bit too confident and went to go find my camera.
I sat down in front of my full-length mirror so my cleavage was on full display and the end of the fabric rested very high on my thighs. For some reason, I took a photo.
It was being processed immediately and as I saw the colour start to show a wave of humiliation drowned me.
What the fuck was I doing? I was not the type of girl who took pictures like this to feel good about myself. I wasn’t the type of girl who got very drunk and flirted with boys and spoke to muggleborns. I wasn’t the type of girl who publicly broke up with her boyfriend and rejected a stable future and went against her parents wishes.
I frowned down at the picture. It felt like I was looking at a different person. She didn’t look like me and I didn’t look like her.
I didn’t really know who I was anymore and stupidly all I could think was that Sirius Black really did have a horrible effect on me.
I huffed and practically ripped the fabric off of me, wanting to forget that I had ever been so stupid. I folded it away and packed the camera up, but for some reason, I put the photo with all of the notes I had received from Sirius in my top drawer.
I blamed it all on him. If he hadn’t asked to fake date me he never would have gotten me that stupid outfit and I never would have done this. If he hadn’t humiliated me in front of everyone I never would have gotten with Tiberius. If he had just told me how he felt then we wouldn’t be here. Drunk and feeling shitty about myself while having no idea what Sirius Black was thinking.
I started crying and then sometime afterward, I fell asleep.
Blurb: the other woman always gets the short end of the stick
part 2 to arranged Word Count: 4k Warnings: cheating, regulus is still a shit, but of self-doubt and feeling sad A/N:idk how i feel about this, i feel like i should’ve kept arranged as just arranged, but i really wanted to write a second part from the muggleborns perspective but it just didn’t give what i wanted it to gave. maybe i should’ve waited a bit longer, maybe i’ll rewrite it sometime in the future, but at the same time, i knew it would be something like this. anyways
I liked to think it was a common experience. To be the other woman. At least that was what I told myself. I think ‘the other woman’ usually got a bad reputation, but I didn’t think that was fair. How were they to know that their lover was seeing someone else if their lover never told them? Sure, if they know it’s a completely different story and maybe part of it is fair. But either way, it wasn’t fun being the other woman. Eventually you find out and it tears your whole word apart.
It was during our seventh year that I started going out with Regulus Black. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew that our relationship would be frowned upon. More so on his side than mine, but there were plenty of people I knew who didn’t like Regulus and his arrogance and pride. But they were wrong, they just didn’t know him how I knew him.
It started when we were partnered up in Potions class. The professors tried to shield us from the upheaval that was occurring outside the castle, but tensions were high even amongst us students and they were trying desperately hard to promote inter-house relationships. Personally, at the time, I thought it was stupid that they had partnered Regulus Black, a known death eater, with me, a muggleborn.
Well it wasn’t known that he was a death eater, but sometimes rumours are true. And sure, maybe I was a bit apprehensive of him and honestly, a little scared. He was known throughout the castle for hating my blood and that didn’t sit right with me. So I tried to be happy and pleasant just so I wouldn’t end up on his bad side.
Maybe I was a little too happy and pleasant though, because once our assignment was over, we still met up to study and I would swear that he would smile at me in the hallways and then one day I got a note from him.
Can you meet me at the top of the Astronomy Tower tonight? 2am? R.B
I found his eye in the Great Hall and gave him a discreet nod. He smiled into his breakfast. He had been nothing but friendly to me once we got over the awkward beginning stages and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about what he wanted to see me about.
So maybe I did show up in my best jeans and my new jumper and maybe I did do my hair nicely before I went to meet him. I was quite intimidated by him and part of that was because he was veryattractive.
“Hi,” he breathed out when I entered the Astronomy Tower. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have gone. He was a death eater, it could’ve been a trap or maybe he might not have even shown. I wasn’t sure why I trusted him, but I did and there we were.
“Hi,” I smiled at him. We stood in front of each other, both of us with cheesy grins on our faces.
“I like your jumper,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said.
We sat down and spoke. I thought it would be hard to find topics that we were both interested in, but our conversations flowed as if we had been best friends our whole life. Whether it was about Quidditch or classes or random school gossip, we had a lot in common.
When I couldn’t stop yawning and the sun was peeking up, he sighed and turned so I was looking at his side profile.
“I really like you,” he whispered. His voice was so soft I barely heard him.
“I really like you too.” I wasn’t sure if it was because I was so tired, but it just felt right to tell him.
“But no one can know.” He turned to look at me again and I gave him a sad smile.
“I know.”
And so began our secret relationship.
It wasn’t hard to fall for Regulus Black. He was kind when you got to know him and he was much more intelligent than he let on, and of course, there was no denying that Regulus Black was pretty and nice to look at.
We would meet in broom closets and walk around the grounds late at night, my heart pounding in fear that someone would find us. In regards to someone finding us out of bed past curfew and finding out about our relationship.
“What would happen if people found out about us?” I had asked one night when we were sitting in the Astronomy Tower again. This was our favourite place to meet.
“I don’t know.” He didn’t say much, but his face went hard and I could feel his whole body tense. I understood why we had to keep our relationship private, but it still hurt. The stolen glances, the rushed touches, the discreet letter sending.
It was tiring. And we couldn’t always meet up. Regulus couldn’t just leave his dorm every night. People already had a few suspicions about him and that would not help his case.
Our seventh year went by so quickly. With exams and my new secret relationship and the threat of war lingering closely in the back of everyone’s mind, it seemed that it ended before I even got a chance to appreciate it.
But being out of the castle meant that Regulus and I got more freedom. My parents had helped me buy my own house once I left Hogwarts, so it was easy for Regulus to pop over whenever he liked. Which, unfortunately, was still scarce.
“I promise I want to visit you more,” he explained one day. We were sitting on the lounge, cuddled up in blankets very late into the night. “It’s just hard for me.” His face turned hard and I knew what he was talking about.
Regulus had never mentioned anything about his pathway but I had never seen his left arm bare. Feeling brave, I reached over and touched his forearm where the ink should be. He tensed under my touch, but he didn’t stop me. He wouldn’t make eye contact with me, but he nodded.
I pulled back his sleeve and there it was. The dark mark. I didn’t want him to know how much it affected me so I started tracing it to distract myself.
I guess I was so caught up in this relationship that I forgot that Regulus Black was trying to stop people like me from becoming wizards. I was breathing heavily, I couldn’t help it.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. I nodded, pulling my hand away and pulling down his sleeve. “I promise I’m not like them. I promise I’m trying to do better, to fix my past mistakes.” I nodded when he finally looked over at me. I foolishly believed him. How couldn’t I? “For you,” he whispered and I bit my tongue to stop myself from crying.
As the war reached its crescendo it seemed that I was seeing Regulus less and less and every time he left I feared that would be the last time I saw him. He always visited late in the night, looking exhausted and I tried to be strong for him, but I was so scared.
Eventually, the war came and went and I hadn’t lost too many friends and Regulus was okay. He survived and he was healthy. He still had his dark mark, but he had been practising spells to hide it and now it all seemed like an afterthought.
“It’s all over.” He said when Voldemort was defeated. “Now I have more time for my love.” He nuzzled his head in my neck and I smiled.
It briefly crossed my mind that even though everything had changed, nothing had changed between Regulus and I. He hadn’t said anything about making our relationship public and he still only visited sporadically, usually late in the night, and he was always gone whenever I woke up late in the morning.
And now with the war over, we both had to focus on our careers. I had a stable job at the Ministry and Regulus was a successful potion maker. He said it required odd hours which was why he could only come late at night and why he left so early. My job was a regular office job which made it even harder for us to find time.
But we did, somehow. Yet, there was still something nagging in the back of my mind. It was very late one night when Regulus was over and as I usually was when he was over, I was really tired and I decided to bring it up with him.
“It’s weird that while everything has changed, nothing has really changed, don’t you think?” We were sitting on the couch, cuddled in blankets and he hummed as he turned to me.
“Yeah, I guess so,” Regulus murmured, a crease in between his eyebrows as he sank deep into thought.
“We still have to hide our relationship, we still can’t walk down the streets holding hands.” Sure, now that things had changed there were more purebloods dating muggleborns, but they weren’t received very well. I had heard other muggleborns say how stupid those people were, dating someone who had only just recently been fighting to get rid of their existence. I couldn’t even imagine what the purebloods were saying.
“We can,” he mumbled, “but it’s best we don’t.” My heart sank. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting him to say. Maybe that he actually wanted to be seen in public with me. That he wanted to show me off, but it still wasn’t safe. Regulus was kind. He brought me gifts and he always listened to me and showed me nothing but respect, but it was hard keeping a relationship secret. And, of course, there was the doubt that came with it. I was a muggleborn and his family probably hated me even if they didn’t know I existed.
He turned his head and I looked away.
It seemed like there was something he was leaving out. There was something left unsaid between us. But I put it down to just being exhausted and dropped the subject. Everything was fine, I told myself.
She had been working in the same department with me since I started and our offices were right next to each other. Shewas very pretty, and nice, and a pure blood. Which wasn’t a big deal, anymore. The war was over and as much as they needed to overcome their prejudices, so did I.
We were in the same year at Hogwarts, but had never spoken to each other for obvious reasons. It was awkward at first, she knew my blood status and I knew her beliefs, but she had always smiled at me when we crossed paths and one day she took a risk and sat next to me at lunch. I didn’t move away and instead initiated polite small talk which continued until polite small talk turned into workplace gossip which soon turned into more personal conversations and I was now happy to call her my friend.
No one really warns you about how hard it is to find friends after school. Especially when you start in a new workplace and society is recovering from a war that was centred around your blood status.
I wasn’t lonely, but I was pretty much on house arrest during war for my own safety and with Regulus and I still keeping our relationship a secret, I was starting to struggle and I wanted to bring it up to him one night and I was so tired, that I did.
“I feel so alone,” I whimpered. We were lying down in bed and I was cuddled up into Regulus’ chest, trying not to cry. “Work is taking up all my time and I’ve lost contact with all my old friends, I have no one, I-”
“You have me,” he offered and I looked up at him, trying not to look hopeful. He gave me a cheesy grin and the hurt on my face vanished as I felt my whole body relax.
“Really?” I had asked pathetically. It seemed that our relationship was still stuck in the position it was in our seventh year. So much time had passed and yet it felt like our relationship hadn’t developed.
“Of course, my love.” He leant down to kiss the top of my head.
I wanted to tell him, I really did. It was true and I had been thinking about it for a long time, but I didn’t want him to freak out. We hadn’t been emotionally intimate like this and I was unsure if I was overstepping a line. But I must have been absolutely exhausted because I said it anyway.
“I love you.” I said it in his chest so when he didn’t reply I wondered if he even heard me. My heart was racing, did I overstep a line? Maybe I could pretend like I didn’t say anything. I could-
“I love you.” He mumbled and I fell asleep feeling at peace.
How could I not think that he was different? I had always wondered how a pureblood like him could ever like a muggleborn like me, yet alone love. But he wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it, right? He didn’t tell me everything about his past and his family, but I knew they were the ones who pushed him in the direction that led to the permanent ink on his skin and I was so caught up in loving him that I guess it was easy to put the blame on them. Because Regulus was different to them. He had given his complete self to me. He had to be.
I was giddy all week at work. I was so in love and I wanted to share that with everyone around me. I was on cloud nine and I didn’t think anything could bring me down.
Until I noticed there was something wrong with her the minute I sat down at lunch. I felt bad that I hadn’t told her about Regulus and I’s relationship, but no one knew and she wasn’t some odd exception. Even if I wanted her to be. I had a feeling she would understand and share my excitement with me. Maybe I could tell her I was in a secret relationship, I didn’t have to tell her who with.
I thought now that maybe Regulus had said he loved me he would be more open to making our relationship public. Maybe if I spoke to her and got a third opinion, I’d have more clarity. I decided I’d tell her once I figured out what was wrong with her.
“What’s got you down?” She looked like she hadn’t slept that night and she looked weak. I was very concerned.
“I’m in an arranged marriage.” There were so many things that she could have said, but this was something that I never expected. I looked at her in shock, my mouth slightly agape, and when the words finally settled into my brain I looked at her in confusion before wondering the extent of the arranged marriage. Was she having issues with her arranged husband? What type of issues could she be having? How long had they been occurring? Was she safe? I gave her a sceptical look but then she assured me that they were friends and got along really well so I smiled at her.
“Well,” I said, “who’s the lucky guy? Did he go to Hogwarts?” She was obviously sad about whatever was going on so I tried to remain cheerful and happy.
“Yeah, he was in our year as well. Regulus Black.” I dropped my cutlery and my face fell. But then I remembered that I was meant to be the supportive friend so I quickly went back to smiling. Surely I heard her wrong. Surely she wasn’t married to myRegulus Black. Was there another Regulus Black at school?
“When did you get married?” She had said something else but I wasn’t paying attention. I felt bad about cutting her off so I tried to sound genuinely curious.
“Early June, pretty much as soon as we left Hogwarts.” He was seeing me at that point in time. The person he just told he loved. Maybe he didn’t love her. It was a horrible thought and not something that a friend should be thinking, but it was an arranged marriage, that didn’t mean they lovedeach other, right?
“How long did you know?” She said something else but I still wasn’t listening. I was hot. My mind was racing at a million miles an hour and I just wanted to ask Regulus what this was all about. Not that I didn’t trust her, but I just wanted to hear what he had to say for himself. He was my boyfriend after all. At least I thought he was.
“Know what?” Her eyes slanted every so slightly and a weird tension filled the air. She had caught on. How was I going to tell her that I was dating her husband?
“That you would marry him?” I felt like I was going to cry. My lips were starting to wobble and my cheeks were hurting from trying to fight my frown.
“Just before our sixth year, I don’t know-”
“I need to tell you something.” My heart was pounding and I was struggling to keep it all together. Why wouldn’t he tell me that he was in an arranged marriage?
“What?” A cold chill ran through my body as I tried to think of how to tell her.
“I-, Regulus and I, we–I didn’t know,“ myvoice broke off and there were tears forming in both of our eyes. “You have to believe me,” Ipleaded and I wondered if shealso suddenly couldn’t breathe. “He never told me he was married.” Ilet out a harsh sob and for a brief second I wanted to reach out and hold her and tell her that I was so sorry.
“I believe you,” she sighed. She wasn’t crying, but I couldn’t say the same for me. I was sobbing and I didn’t care how pathetic I felt. It’s not easy finding out that your boyfriend is married and my pride couldn’t handle it. Not when it was with someone I called a friend. “When?” she asked, and I really didn’t want to tell her. He was seeing us at the same time and that knowledge broke my heart, I didn’t want her heart to break anymore either.
“During our seventh year,” I mumbled. She nodded slowly. I felt so foolish. Of course there was someone else. Someone prettier and smarter and a pureblood. Why would he ever want a muggleborn? He was a death eater. I was foolish to think that he was any different. While I was always wondering about him and our relationship, he was with another person.
“I think-,” she took a deep breath and closed her eyes as I watched single tear fall down her cheek, “I think I need to get back to work.” I didn’t want to be alone. I was shaking from the intensity of my sobs, but I didn’t want to ask her to stay. I wasn’t that selfish.
When she stood up, I did too and I reached out to give her a hug. She probably didn’t want to hug me, but I just needed to. I needed to know that things were alright between us. I kept mumbling, “I’m so sorry,” but I knew it didn’t change anything.
I cried even more when she left and I cried for the rest of the day. It didn’t feel real. It felt like I was no longer in my body and I no longer had control over anything that happened to me. I was just there, waiting and watching it all fall apart.
I couldn’t stop comparing myself to her either. She was so confident and proud. Just the type of person to suit Regulus. I couldn’t help it, I knew it was stereotypical of me, but I couldn’t help but think all purebloods were the same. They were horrible and cruel and arrogant and selfish and they didn’t care who they hurt.
I had never felt so badly about myself and I wondered if she felt the same. Surely not. Why would she ever compare herself to a mudblood like me?
It was a long day. I had a migraine from all of my sobbing and I barely got any work done. I had come to work so excited and joyous, thinking that nothing could ruin my day and yet, here I was. My day ruined.
I couldn’t help but wonder if she was okay. I hoped she was. I hoped she knew that I didn’t blame her. That if she wanted to, I would remain friends with her. It wasn’t our fault. It was all his.
When I got home that afternoon I got a glass of water and some painkillers which I took instantly. This wasn’t fair. How could he make me think that I was so special to him? How could he tell me he loved me when he had a wife?
It all started making sense. The reason he only visited me late at night and why he always left when I woke up. I wondered if he even was a potion maker or if he even had a job. This was also why he wanted to keep our relationship secret. He had played it off as being worried about my safety, but I wasn’t that naive.Of course he would want to keep me hidden. He had a wife.
A chill ran through me as I started to think. Did he have any children? What if he did? I’d be a homewrecker. Surely she would have told me if there were kids involved, but then again, I didn’t even know she was married.
I cried some more. I felt so sorry for myself and I allowed myself to dwell in this pain because I wasn’t sure there was anything that could make me feel better.
The worst part was the realisation that I was the other woman. I wasn’t sure what their situation was like, but as the hours came and went there was no appearance from Regulus and I knew that he would be at the house he no doubt shared with her. I wondered if she would bring it up or if she’d pretend that nothing was wrong. I wondered if they’d fight about it. What they’d say about me. I wondered if they’d make up. At least she would get to see him. A fight was better than nothing. But I was here, all alone sitting in my hurt and I’d have to see her again tomorrow and the next day, and relive this pain again and again. Would she even talk to me at work? I had finally made a friend and it turns out I was dating her husband. Typical.
I had such good thoughts about Regulus but now that was all gone. I used to think he was selfless and brave and courageous, but now I knew he was selfish and cowardly and dishonest, and as the hours passed I knew he wouldn’t turn up. I thought he had given me all of himself, but now I didn’t know what to think.
I wondered if I’d ever see him again. He’d probably tell her that he would do better. Of course, he’d want to fix his marriage before he fixed whatever we were. He lovedher.He loved me too, I thought, but I now knew that wasn’t true. He had lied.
I wondered what he’d say about me. I wondered what she’d say about me. Maybe he’d promise to stop seeing me. Maybe she’d hate me. Did he even know that we worked together? What would happen at work tomorrow? I sobbed. I guess in the end it didn’t matter because I was just the other woman.
A/N: This one is soangsty though. Like holy sh*t. Enjoy!
Song: All Too Well (10 minute version)
Pairing: Bill Weasley x Reader
Warning: Implied *eh hem*, breakup, moving on, “die”
The air was cold as you approached the burrow, walking side by side with Bill. Your y/h scarf was hung loosely over your shoulders, the frayed ends brushing against the wrapped gift in your hands. A smile was spread on your nose, small snow flurries falling around you.
Before Bill could even knock, a short, stout ginger threw the door open, rushing out onto the lawn and throwing her arms around your boyfriend. He laughed, stumbling back a few steps as he wrapped her arms around her.
“Oh, Bill, it’s so good to have you home!” She exclaimed, patting his cheeks gently. Slowly, she turned to you, a toothy smile on her face, “Oh, Bill, I didn’t know you were bringing a guest! Now who is this?”
Your smile fell in that moment, but it was quickly, and forcefully replaced. Extending a hand, you introduced yourself, “Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N. Bill’s girlfriend.”
“Girlfriend!” She exclaimed, jumping back in surprise, “Oh, Bill, you should’ve told us! She’s quite a looker, isn’t she?”
A nervous laugh escaped your lips, “You must be Bill’s mum?”
“Oh, forgive me, dear!” She took your hand, shaking it roughly, “I’m Molly Weasley. But you can call me Molly. Or mum. Most of the kid’s friends call me that.”
Bill shook his head, letting out a breathy laugh, “No, they don’t.”
“Well,” Molly sighed, “Let’s get you warmed up inside. No sense in standing out here in the cold when we’ve got a fire going inside. Come on, dear!”
Slipping off your wool coat, you hung it on top of your h/c scarf on a nearby hook. You had handed Bill the wrapped present, which he held to one side as he gave his siblings one armed hugs, grinning from ear to ear.
In the next ten minutes, you were introduced to more people than you knew possible. Bill’s dad, Arthur, was more than entertaining. After finding out that you were a half-bloof, he was asking about your experiences having a muggle as a parent. You had been in Ron’s year in school, so you had already met him and Ginny. And although you had heard of Fred, you hadn’t been properly introduced. As for Percy, it was no wonder you had never spoken a word to him at Hogwarts. He didn’t speak much to anybody he deemed “unworthy of his time”. The Weasley’s appologized that the second oldest Weasley wouldn’t be able to make it.
“Charlie,” They had said, “Is preparing for the birth of a dragon this week, so he won’t be able to make it for Christmas. He should be here to ring in the New Year, though!”
The next thing you knew, you were being ushered over over to the living room. Taking a seat on the long and narrow couch, a large plush book was thrust into your hands. On the front cover, a photograph of the Weasley family was haphazardly pasted on, peeling off at the corners.
The corners of your mouth lifted up as you began flipping through the photo album. You spotted a picture of Arthur and Molly on their wedding day, two rubber duckies topping a lopsided cake. Molly heavily pregnant with her first child–Bill. Soon, your eyes were floating across the pages from Bill’s childhood. He was an only child for two years, then came along Charlie.
One picture caused you to pause. A smiling five year old Bill looked at the camera, his cheeks as red as his hair as snow fell around him. He sported a knit sweater embroidered with a “B” and a red and gold hat hiding his flaming red hair. Looking up at him, you smiled at the similarities, resting your head on his shoulder.
“So, Y/N, tell us about yourself,” Arthur said, “Old Billy hasn’t told us a single thing.”
Swallowing, you forced another smile on your face, “What do you want to know?”
“What do you do for a living?” Molly asked.
George interupted before you could answer, “How’d you meet old Billy here? He’s old enough to be your grandfather!”
“Did you grow up with rubber ducks? How about cars? What was it like to be raised as a muggle?” Arthur questioned, resting his chin on his hand.
Ginny sighed, “What house were you in again?”
“Why are you with Bill? He’s a bit old, don’t you think?” Ron said inbetween bites of chicken.
Percy wrinkled his nose, “What are your views on the Ministry’s newest order?”
Your eyes widened, all the questions hitting you at once. Squeezing Bill’s hand for comfort, you waited for the questions to die out. He smiled down at you, nodding gently.
“Well, Molly, to answer your question, I’m a Keeper for the Kenmare Kestrels. I got the offer as soon as I left Hogwarts. It’ll be my second year playing on the team this June.” You let out the breath you had been holding since the questions had begun, “And, Ginny, I was in y/h. Percy, I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been keeping up with the Ministry’s policies as well as I should have. I live a pretty busy life, but I’m working on it.”
Continuing, you looked to Arthur, “I grew up around magic. My mother made sure I was introduced to it as a young age. I grew up surrounded by wizards with all of my extended family on my mum’s side. My father’s side knows very little about magic, but he knows the basics and comes to all my Quidditch games with my mum.”
Now, onto the questions you had been avoiding. How the age difference between you and Bill affected your relationship. How you met. The usual questions you were pelted with.
“Bill and I are only nine years apart,” You blurted out, your whole body tense, “It’s not too big of a gap, if you think about it. I’ll be twenty in the new year and he’ll be twenty nine. We both know plenty of people with even larger age differences that have made it work. It’s almost… normal for us. We don’t think about it too much.”
Molly nodded, “Completely get it. You two seem comfortable together.”
“We are,” You said, “We met at one of my Quidditch games, actually. Bill’s friends with one of the Chasers on my team, so he brought him back and introduced him to everyone. We hit it right off the broom.”
“So, did you guys use rubber ducks often? What’s the function?”
With a glance towards Bill, he silently excused the two of you from the table, “We’ll go ahead and start cleaning up. Take the night off, mum.”
“Are you sure, Bill? I can just wave my wand and-”
He nodded, “We’ve got it. Promise.”
Bill led you into the kitchen by the hand, pressing a kiss to your temple as you breathed, your head spinning.
“Sorry about them,” He sighed, “They can be a bit intense when I bring a girl home.”
You were silent for a moment, chewing on your bottom lip, “Why didn’t you tell them about us?”
“I guess it just slipped my mind.”
Brushing the hair out of your face, you looked up at him, “They didn’t even know I was coming, Bill.”
“It was a surprise.”
You shook your head, dropping your gaze. But he simply took your hands in his, waving his wand to turn on a nearby stereo. You recognized it from your dad’s office. He had one set up in the corner, playing old records. The music began and Bill began swaying slowly.
After a few minutes, he was twirling you around the cramped kitchen, causing you to nearly burst out laughing when he nearly knocked over a bag of flower.
“We really should start cleaning up…” You trailed off, your lips mere inches from his.
You layed beside Bill on his bed, one of his flannels wrappd around your shoulders. You had packed plenty of clothes for the week, but had insisted on wearing one of his shirts to bed, inhaling the smell of cinnamon.
He rolled onto his side, “Lucky Ginny has a bit of a cold or else mum would have had you sleep in her room.”
“I’m just surprised she didn’t put me in Charlie’s room.”
“His room is a bit embarassing. Dragons everywhere. She wouldn’t want to subject you to that.”
You stifled a laugh, “Oh, I’m sure.”
Bill propped himself up on his elbows, “What do you say we go for a ride?”
“What kind of ride?”
“In the family car.”
You raised a brow, “You know how to drive?”
“We all do. Except for Percy. He refused to learn,” Bill said, raking a hand through his hair, “What do you say?”
Tears streamed down your face, small cries escaping your lips as you sobbed into your pillow. Your heart wasn’t broken- it was shattered.
After joy riding in the Ford Anglia, which led to you and Bill steaming up the windows in the middle of an empty field, you had fully expected him to attend the Quidditch Playoffs. You were being recognized as a star Keeper. It was an honor. And he hadn’t shown. He should have been there. But he wasn’t. And it broke you.
He had sent you an owl, writing “I’m sorry I wasn’t there, emergency at Gringotts.”
But it kept happening.
Bill hadn’t shown up to a single match you had played the whole season. Eventually, you couldn’t take it anymore. You confronted him, asking if he even cared about you or your career. He went silent, explaining that his word didn’t revolve around you.
You left his flat that day, his words repeating in your head, “Maybe if we had been closer in age, it would have worked.”
But within a few months, he had a new girlfriend. A year younger than you. You had tried to ignore it, tried to move on. But you got an owl with a package clumsily tied to it’s talons.
Upon opening it, silent tears flipped down your cheeks. Inside was the golden watch you had given him, the clothes you kept at his flat, and the “promise ring” you had given him. Your father had given your mother one, and you liked the sentiment of it, so you had picked on out especially for him. And now it was in the palm of your head.
You digged deeper in the parcel, looking for the scarf you had accidentally left at his mum’s.
But in small letters, you realized you weren’t getting it back.
“Call the scarf a keepsake.”
You wouldn’t see the scarf again. The chances of you getting it back were about as high as it being wrapped around his new girlfriend’s neck. And that made you want to die.
