#lost in thought

“The most devastating part of having depression is not the numbness, the crying or feeling no emotions. It’s the inability to do the things you love so dearly. You could love reading, it is something you can do every day but one day you’re sitting down and you forget how it feels to sink into a book. To lose yourself into another dimension. I think that is the most devastating part of depression, to be eradicated - even for a moment - from doing the things you love with everything in you. For me, that is the most devastating, gut-wrenching emotion that depression brings along with it. The inability to love the things that once made you delirious.”

- g.d. (loss)

After almost 26 years, I came to realise how much affected can someone be due to the absence of a parent. I find myself feeling that I’m never enough, not worthy of love because she left me alone as a kid. No matter how much I love someone, or how much that person loves me, I’m always afraid that they’ll leave, just like she did. Suddenly.Without any explanation.

Nights in a row I cried myself to sleep, wanting her to be there, but never was, always hearing promises that were never kept.

I wanted you there. But the fact you never was, left me broken forever, questioning my own worth, thinking about what did I do, where did I go wrong… What the fuck did I do to you to leave me alone, growing up by myself craving for love and affection that was never given to me. The fuck did I do to deserve to grow up like this-to become an adult having abandon issues?

I may never admit this in front of you…

But you saved me, at some point, in so many ways.

Sometimes, I wish I was different.

But my communication skills are dead. I can’t express myself as I once used to. I can’t open up cause I’m afraid.

Every time I’ve put my thoughts into words I was told that I’m only paranoid, or I wasn’t listened to. And step by step I became an introvert. I hold it all to myself, even thought it’s not healthy… No matter how hard I try, I can’t, even though I know there is someone who could listen my dumb stuff and everything that goes through my mind.

Well, when no one listens to you for a long time, you lose your communication… And that’s a fact.