What is wrong with me? I feel like no one needs me. I’m so lonely. I fuck up everything and everyone. I’m so useless and I’m sick of it.. Give me one reason why should l stay alive..

She could part oceans in two with her loving nature but there was a devastating loneliness in her eyes when she smiled.

Some homes are like this,
the haze of pining or brittle light,
movement in dew wind,
the oak woods readable to a girl
whose heart is wrought of eucalyptus;
it keeps eclipsing itself green and oil,
the stony plantar of a body forgotten
or what the eyes in the vase   
want to remember of the dawn,
construction of a hill house,
this sketch of bay, marble night stands,
elderly with small dogs, novels
rested in a glass chest, this haze
of empty love, then closure, travel,
then resin words tumbling
like fog, just when this plot  
is ruined by us, we construct a pond 
with timber water and the background
of the portrait starts with the conception
of leaning against something even if
for minutes just bark, orchid sphere of wall  
and honey, holy like these cotton moments
and others blooming, we keep what
will stand, hard pulses that come
and wane, the red moon sky, the sheen
nerve we are alone.

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A new trial by UC San Diego Health infectious disease specialist Maile Young Karris, MD, will use longitudinal questionnaires and qualitative interviews to assess the impact of living in an interconnected virtual village on the loneliness known to afflict older people with HIV.

“It’s about changing the culture back to how it used to be,” Karris said, “where neighbors actually knew each other and helped each other and you didn’t have to worry so much about your poor dad who lives by himself, far away from you, because you knew that his neighbors would call you if anything happened or would make sure that he was eating.”

TW: Drinking/Alcohol

“But you don’t look lonely,” A gestures to the two drinks in front of B, “Where’s your friend?”

“I order two so the staff don’t worry - they just think I’m buying each round.”

“That’s both smart and concerning.” A’s eyes go wide. 

“Yeah but at least I don’t have people asking if they can have the empty chair.” B shrugs.

Well I am now in my new place. Which feels amazing. So much better than sleeping in a room with 11 other strangers. Things have gotten a little better but are still in the settling in period. Turns out that Mozart didnt need to apply for any other jobs because he got triple the hours from his bar job. Which is fantastic. The only thing that sucks is that we have opposite hours now. By the time he begins to think about waking up, I am off heading to work and doesnt come back until the wee hours of the morning, which means that I am spending a vast amount of time alone. Despite this I have tried to make the few hours that we actually have together, count. I asked him to meet me after work at around 8 so we can spend an hour or two in the city before he heads off to work, which has been working out alright. At least I thought it was. But this morning Mozart in his tired stupor told me that he needs some privacy time. Some time where he feels like I am not dictating what he needs to be doing. Some time away from me. I was slightly confused by this truth be told. I am gone all day, which allows him to do whatever he wants, and the few hours in between our two jobs is the only thing we have for the day. I was especially confused tonight. Since we wont be seeing each other at all tomorrow. Am I the only one that thinks we hardly spend any time together even though we are living with each other? I guess I am. Forcing him to spend time with me won’t be the way to go. So I guess I will just have to be alright with it, and secretly hope that he was just saying those things because he was crabby in the morning. Nothing else to be done really. Things would be different if I had a good group of friends here already. I would be totally fine having quality time with them. But I guess when you come to a country not knowing anyone, you have to kinda expect to be lonely some days.