always should be someone you really love! ✿ | r.l.
*:~>#%<~:*
remus lupin x reader (set in the 90s)
warnings: underage drinking, smoking, cussing, making out
sweaty and drunk teenagers filled the room, screaming and dancing their hearts out.
feeling the liquor burn it’s way down my throat, of course this being a sign that i needed to drink more for the burning to go away.
remus was laughing his ass off telling some incoherent story, i was laughing as well because i was so fucking out of it.
“REMUS!!! STOP TALKING!!” i said as i put my hand over his mouth to listen to the song that was playing “THIS IS GIRLS AND BOYS!! BY BLUR!!! GOD DAMON ALBARN IS SO FIT!!! LETS DANCE!!”
i grabbed remus’ arm and dragged him to the dance floor
“streets like a jungle, so call the police”
“following the herd down to greece”
we were dancing like it was the last thing we’d do, “fOollOwing the hErddSss dOwwnwn to gReEcee” remus was singing, god his singing was terrible.
“on holiday, love in the nineties, is paranoid”
“HOLIDAYY NUNUNUNU NINETIES NANANAN PARANOID!!!” “THIS SONG IS SOO GOOD” i screamed “ISN’T THAT RIGHT REM??” “TOTALLYY” he screamed back, as if we weren’t facing each other
we kept stupidly dancing until the chorus came on
“girls who want boys who like boys to be girls who do boys like they’re girls who do girls like they’re boys”
“always should be someone you really love”
“ALWAYS SHOULD BE SOMEONE U REALLY LOOOVEEEE” we said in between laughs
“hey rem, you know what would be so funny?”
“yeah y/n/n?”
“if we made out!”
“hell yeah!! let’s do it”
and with that his tongue was down my throat and my fingers were tangled in his hair. this went on for a little longer than i’d like to admit.
when we were finally sobering up i took a cigarette from his pocked and asked him to light me.
“DUDEEE. REM DID YOU MAKE OUT WITH Y/N” james came screaming into the room, “well fuck me!! i probably did… why?”
“everyone’s talking about it man!” james replied with a laugh
“oh god” remus took the cigarette out of my hand and put it on his lips.
“remus!! song 2 by blur!! let’s dance!!” i said as i heard the drums of the song “i’m tired y/n” “c’moonnn man pleaseee” i whined. “fine” he gave in, “hurry jamie, it’s starting!!”
“woohoo!!!”
we all screamed along to the song
“woohoo!!!”
“hey rem, you know what wound be cool” i said
“yeah?” he replied
“if we made out again!”
“you know what, fuck it” he said and smashed his lips into mine
“god damn, zero respect for the people around you it seems” james said as he walked away
“when i hear heavy metal”
“and i’m pins and i’m needles”
“god y/n, seems like blur makes you horny” remus laughed as i pulled away.
“always man”
god this night was crazy…
———
HELLO??? DID YOU MISS ME??? i apologize for disappearing like that omf. i’m kinda rusty in writing fanfic so this kinda sucks. i fell in love with blur when i was away, also i kissed a bunch of people!! go me!! i’m so gonna be writing fics about many other people and many other universes. my life has changed a bunch since the last time i posted!! i hope i can get back into regularly posting again, lots of love -syd
warnings: angst, break up, cussing, self harm, i wrote this based off of my experience with self harm. reader discretion advised.
not proofread cause booooriiiiinnggggg also moony write a happy fanfic challenge <//3
read me: guys, i’m so sorry for not writing in so long. god, days have really flown. i was in an intense writers block, but yesterday i saw an interesting stranger whom without a word spoken already had my heart. i really hope i see them again soon, it sucks and it hurts to not even know their name, it’s frustrating that i can’t do anything about it. they’re perfect, i hope we meet again soon. i wrote a song about them because i felt things too strong to keep inside. i’m glad i started writing again, i missed it. now, traitor, a sirius black story:
(lyrics in purple)
brown guilty eyes and little white lies
yeah, i played dumb but I always knew
that you’d talk to her,
maybe did even worse, i kept quiet so I could keep you
guilty eyes with unspoken words looking back at me, making me feel small and stupid for acting like i never knew.
you talked to her behind my back, at first i just thought it was your friend since you clearly had no trouble in making them, but i didn’t believe you did even worse.
of course, like a child in love for the first time, which was what i was at the time, kept quiet.
i couldn’t lose you.
and ain’t it funny
how you ran to her
the second that we called it quits?
isn’t it funny? how when i finally got the courage to confront you about it, it ended in a big fight, you blaming me for not trusting you.
whenyouwe called it quits, the person who brought you comfort was her. not your friends, clearly not me, her.
and ain’t it funny
how you said you were friends?
now it sure as hell don’t look like it.
when i even thought about bringing it up, or stared too long, you said you were friends. yet every time i asked you how your day was, or what was on your mind, you brought her up.
the way you have your arm around her, or the loving look you have on your face when she’s around. i don’t blame you, how couldn’t you? her dark brown eyes, her smooth dark skin, her long fluffy hair, there was nothing not to love.
you betrayed me
and i know that you’ll never feel sorry
for the way i hurt
i wonder if you remember our promise, we would be together through thick and thin, together forever. that went to shit.
the way you love her will never make you feel sorry for all the restless nights i spent, or the cuts scattered on my thighs, the eye bags that became something normal for me to have. you never payed it any mind.
loved you at your worst
but that didn’t matter
when you needed someone, i was always there. dropped anything, important or not, so you could have a shoulder to cry on. did the impossible to make you feel alright.
but none of the mattered.
it took you two weeks
to go off and date her
guess you didn’t cheat
but you’re still a traitor
it only only took two weeks to hear everywhere how you were with her.
how much you loved her.
and almost nothing to see you guys attached to the hip, like we once were.
you didn’t cheat, you stayed there with me but in the end were never really present.
but you still betrayed me, told me cheap lies to which i was too in love to not believe.
now you bring her around
just to shut me down
show her off like she’s a new trophy
it’s like everywhere i go, you’re magically there, with her.
so many days ruined and nights spent crying because of your new trophy.
and i know if you were true
there’s no damn way that you
could fall in love with somebody that quickly
all the ‘i love you’s and ‘i’ll never leave you’ went to shit.
if you loved me as much as you told me the night you broke my heart, there’s no way or explanation on how you lover her so much. it’s been two weeks, sirius, two weeks.
ain’t it funny
all the twisted games
all the questions you used to avoid?
so all the “baby, she’s nobody” “don’t worry about it hun” “don’t say that” “i love you, not her” were all lies, love really blinded me and fucked me up this time.
“siri, who’s that girl you’re always hanging out with?”
“y/n! you’re just paranoid. just because you’ve had shitty partners doesn’t mean i am. stop being paranoid, it’s annoying.” that hit low. he was so cruel weeks prior to the breakup, how didn’t i see it coming.
god, i wish that you had thought this through
before i went and fell in love with you
the red lines on my thigh appear from the night before. being just a reminder of how i can’t feel anything, my favorite things go unnoticed now. you broke me. i wish you had thought it through before you let me fall in love with you
don’t you dare forget about the way
you betrayed me
you really fucked me up. i let a bunch of things and red flags go “unnoticed”. I’ve tried my best to be as supportive for you.
one thing i promised myself because of the shred of dignity i have left, is how i swear to god i wont let you forget about how you betrayed me.
—
a/n: i hope you guys find this story to your liking, it’s the first thing i’ve wrote in a while and i don’t know how to feel about it. if you could, please tell me what you thought about it. thank you :) -moony<3
warnings: angst, remus realizing things, not proof read.
(also a few t.A.T.u lyrics lol)
a/n: this ones kinda short bc there’s not rlly a lot of ways to end this lol, i’m sorry
——————————————————————————
“loved you more than i’d ever loved myself. i gave up everything. but you seem to have loved her.”
is this really how they felt? fuck, i never meant to hurt them. i’ve looked everywhere, everywhere. even the special tree they went to when they had to think or just cry. i went to their dorm and there was nothing there. i lost them.
i mean, it’s almost the end of the year right? maybe they went home early? no, they wouldn’t. hogwarts has always been their escape, right??
all the things she said, running through my head, they’re running through my head. nothing comes up. i wish i could apologize.
have i lost my mind? i always imagine them, imagine them walking around, i miss you y/n. please come back.
*time skip bc i don’t feel like writing abt his summer lol*
I’m at the train station. i broke up with my girlfriend because i just can’t bare the thought of y/n being upset. i’m gonna make things right. they’re my everything.
i saw a notebook fall in front of me, i picked it up and went to give it back to its owner. i was too wrapped up in my own thoughts that i didn’t even see a figure in front of me, talking to somebody.
“hey is this yours? it fell.”
they turn around, they look different. longer hair, and it had little purple streaks in it. it looked charming.
“y/n..” i saw them shift uncomfortably “oh, thanks.”
they started speed walking away and i tried to stop them, saying “y/n can we please talk? i want to apologize” “you don’t have to, i’m over it. have a good day remus” that tone was like a shot to the heart.
i spent months, months.trying to get them back. they moved on. there’s nothing i can do about it, i lost them.
oh my god this was rly long but I did it! idk maybe less happened than I thought it would but! oh and I made Mary and Hope asians, deal with it, tho I’m sorry if there’s been inconsistent hc oops it’s been so long since I read through the tumblr version fully anyway I’ll stop now & as always ty for reading ily <3<3<3
It was bound to be a long and raucous evening. With the speaker turned up to full, and boxes of reheated pizza piled on the coffee table surrounded by bottles of wine and beer, they filled the room full to the brim. Those who didn’t fit on the couches and armchairs spilled onto the floor, making a circle between them.
No one and everyone was holding court, the way they sprawled across the room. Remus curled up on the couch with Lily and Mary, who was telling all sorts of stories about James from before, making Lily laugh till her eyes watered. Where James and Sirius sat on the carpet in front of the sofa, Sirius was gleefully adding to the mix, head leaning back just enough to rest on Remus’ knee. Peter, the lucky bastard, bagged the comfortable armchair before anyone noticed, and Dorcas and Marlene were snuggled into a beanbag by its side.
“Marlene darling—” Mary stretched an arm to pass a fresh can of beer, “how’s the hockey been?”
“Please, you wouldn’t understand if I told you.”
“What! It’s not like we know nothing!”
“Look, I’d grab Pete if I wanted to talk hockey. Cheers—” She saluted at Peter’s laugh, “The rest of you are all clueless.”
“How’d you know I haven’t become a hockey player! I could have just secretly changed careers overnight. Heard it was the fad ‘round here.” She turned to wink at Lily and Remus.
“Oh yeah, wasn’t that a surprise.” Dorcas said, “you all need to stop keeping things from us. Can’t believe I hadn’t heard a word of it till I showed up myself.”
“Well I’m not complaining,” Sirius grinned, and James hummed in acquiesce. Remus couldn’t tell if it was about him, or Lily and James.
Lily was blushing nonetheless. “Oh enough about us. How’s the States been, Mary?”
“Yeah, how are the people of the New World? Are they really all obsessed with money and guns?”
“No but hear me out, they’re still all so weird.” Mary laughed easily, “And also, apparently I sound too Chinese for the white people and too British for the Asians. Nevermind they all grew up with American accents anyway.”
-
“Remus Lupin,” Mary leaned across the space Lily left empty as she stood, “how’s my favourite fake asian doing these days, hmm?”
Remus groaned, and jostled her head on his shoulders. “Not bad, I suppose.” he said simply, not knowing how to elaborate.
Mary stared at him a bit, then snorted. “See, there’s why you’re a fake asian.”
“So was I supposed to tell you about the new bubble tea store in town?”
“Exactly. You don’t even need a ‘how are you’ to start ranting about your parents and shitty new Chinese restaurants.” Mary waved a hand, hiding a forlorn smile that showed up every time she started to ‘talk asian’, “And obviously I want a nuanced analysis of that new bubble tea shop.”
Remus smiled back. He never expected to have real opinions about something like this, but at some point, between him and Mary, it became a coded dialogue about missing home. “They’re quite good. And not too obsessed with tea leaves to be crazy expensive. You should try the ice matcha.”
“Do they have good pearls?”
“Pretty good actually. Perfect texture, and melts just a bit on the outside—”
“Ugh,” Mary groaned, then started to giggle. “Yeah, I do like bubble tea. Oh Rem, how’s aunty Hope been doing?”
“Yeah, she’s good. Well, physically she’s the best she’s been since before, but there’s been other things bogging her down.”
“You know,” Mary looked up, matching his frown, “she could ask my parents anything, even though they’re not in the country, right?”
“Oh Mary. Thank you. But you know she’d never ask.”
“I’ll get my parents to call then.”
“Even then she won’t tell. Or say yes.”
Mary sighed, “you two. You’re the exact same. But anyhow it’ll be nice for them to catch up.”
‘Yeah… You should come ‘round some day.”
“Yea!” Mary breathed eagerly, “I really missed those massive veggie buns she used to make.”
“Yeah.” Remus said quietly.
For the next few moments, Mary watched him. Remus barely realised, he was looking ahead and unconsciously gnawing his lips again.
“Whatever it is, stop worrying.” Mary slapped him lightly on the arm.
“What—”
“Just enjoy the evening, yeah? And stop worrying so much about everything, you sooty stick.”
He replied with a light chuckle, “I’ll try,” and raised his beer in salute.
-
It would be very welcoming indeed, Remus thought, if his brain was just wired to let go. Which it should, tonight of all nights. It would be ideal indeed, if noise and friendship was just enough.
But there was no way to explain the nameless agitation that started and didn’t go away. Soon it manifested physically as a headache rising from behind his eyes, an audible static that came in waves and settled as a buzz between his ears. It wasn’t the beer, he barely had any, and he was nowhere as drunk as the rest of his friends. But he found that their conversation started to race ahead that he could barely follow. They flitted in and out, never too far from skating, of course. He felt strangely unsteady, floating as though in a dream, and all that noise. Remus was hearing himself being drowned out.
-
They started talking about program music at some point. Sirius was proudly showing some moves from the Bohemian Rhapsody remix he’d put together for the free skate, even pulling Remus up with him at some point. Dorcas jumped up, matching move for move with her jazz tracks. Then Lily and James would start arguing among the two of them again.
“Just choose something you both like and be done with it! What’s so complicated?”
“Oh no Marls, that was the wrong thing to say.”
“It’s got to make sense, you know?” Lily said urgently, “It can’t just be a random track out of your workout playlist, or whatever your coach chooses—”
“You two are just obsessing at this point—”
“Itneeds to resonate. I need to feel it in my soul.”
Marlene laughed.
“She’s right though.” James added, “And it needs to be right for the both of us, which you know, is easy if you’ve paired for years but we’ve just started, and—”
“And we’re fighting about everything, it’s so frustrating, neither of us were like this before!”
Mary and Remus, ‘the ones before’, shared a grin and a smirk.
“So is it a romance you want to tell?” Dorcas suggested.
“Obviously it’s a romance!” Lily gestured, “And an intense one at that. ‘Cause you know, with Remus, all our narratives have been mostly— platonic, and even if it’s a love story it’d be some innocent and pretty fairytale, because it’s, it’s Remus—”
Remus scoffed, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
“She says you’re cute!” Marlene called from across the floor.
“Yeah,” Sirius breathed into his shoulder, “and I’d agree.”
Remus whipped his head around, “how drunk are you?”
But Sirius’ eyes were stone cold sober, startlingly clear in the light and edges crinkled with a smile.
Remus felt something jump in his chest. He hurriedly looked back towards Lily.
“And there’s nothing wrong with that at all, Remus, I love you, and you know that. But I just— it’s been two years and I feel different. I want to show something different now, you know? James doesn’t get it—”
“What do you mean I don’t get it? I totally get it!”
“Then why has everything you’ve suggested been, oh I don’t know, playboy pretty girl—”
“That’s not— I mean, that’s not what I—”
“Playboy, Prongs?” Sirius had burst out laughing, “you? Really?”
James’ drink-flushed cheeks coloured even more, despite his dark skin, “That’s not what I was going for! I’ll have you know—”
“Then who did you want to be?” Peter snorted, “some loverboy Romeo?”
“Yes, exactly!”
The room burst into laughter. James frowned.
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Oh James,” Dorcas wiped her eyes, “I knew we should have gotten you into acting with us.”
“What do you mean?”
“Nothing,” Remus nudged James with his elbow, “you would have made a nice Romeo, that’s all.”
“If he could have taken it seriously for more than a second.” Peter said.
“I’m not Romeo,” James blurted. “I don’t want it to be Romeo, but you know, I don’t really want it to be me either—”
“But James it’s meant to be you, how else do you tell the story?”
“Just that! Tell a story. I mean, it would be a bit creepy to imagine myself in the story with— you know…” James trailed off.
Remus heard Sirius’ quiet laugh, and dared to look over.
“I think he wants to not-himself,” Sirius whispered with a smile in his voice, “so he can unabashedly obsess over Lily.”
“Yeah.” Remus smiled a little, “That’s the impression I got as well.”
-
“What about you, Remus?” Mary finally asked.
“Huh?”
“You. Your music?”
“Oh, I— don’t know yet.”
“Oh.” She said, looking at him curiously. She saw Remus squirm uncomfortably, and quickly added with a smile, “not that far behind these two, then. Have you got any ideas?”
“Yeah I’m,” Remus grimaced to himself, “mostly not sure.”
“Wait, you’ve chosen our waltz for the short right?” Lily turned to beamed at him, “Chopin’s 19?”
‘Our waltz’, Lily called it, because it had been the track for their senior debut, a couple of years ago now. The posh kids from Slytherin scoffed and laughed at how it’s “one of Chopin’s easiest waltz”, but the two of them had always been ridiculously proud of it.
“Yeah.” Remus squeezed a smile, “that’s what I told McGonagall. But I don’t know, I could still change it, if I’m not sure. And the free skate—” he exhaled frustratedly, “I— don’t even know what I want it to be. I just know what I don’t want it to be— sometimes.”
“And what’s that?”
“What everyone else is doing?” Remus said, with half a frown, half a pout.
His friends burst out laughing, though Remus didn’t feel the humour.
-
“Oh my god!” Dorcas clanked her bottle down, “Are we here for another round of complaining about the scoring system?”
“Yes! I swear—”
“The very idea of a panel for subjectively judging components and interpretation—”
“Like sure, it’s not the 6.0 system anymore, with anonymity and everything, but I swear to god sometimes it just feels like they can now cheat you and have nothing traced back to them—”
“I did a degree on this, if you suggest a human panel for judging anything in computer science they’ll just straight up laugh at you, but not here it seems!”
“At least we used to be able to tell straight away if a score is off. But now we have to just guess, meticulously compare every person’s jumps and scores to call them out.”
“And what the hell do you do with the ‘presentation mark’?”
“Exactly!”
“It’s so easily manipulated it’s crazy.”
“And honestly, sometimes I feel bad for the judges, everyone is always taking a shot at them”, Dorcas said, ever-so-compassionate, “but it amazes me how they’d came up with a system so easily questioned.”
“Oh no, not just questioned, their reputation is getting destroyed in all circles of sensible people. Honestly, how many scandals does it take for them to start fixing things?”
-
Marlene was at the stage of drunk where she looked ready to climb on the coffee table, and start an impromptu impassioned speech against capitalism. Mary was trying to get the troupe to start singing show tunes together, old-time-theatre-kids-style.
“Comeon,” she intoned, “We’ve got the wines and beers, and all the loud obnoxious young queers”
“Mary, you’re speaking in rhyme.”
“La vie boheme!!” She shouted as the only reply, raising her glass to the ceiling.
“Oh is that Rent? I loved that show!”
“Hell yea Jamesy! And oh my god look, it’s like us now! A bunch of young drunk bohemians in a room—”
“Yeah, not quite sure we’re there yet.”
“We are drunk, though. And we love that show. I love living queer hippie anti-establishment. I love theatre,” Mary mumbled, smiling dazedly and one arm around each of James and Lily, pulling them around with her words, “Oh you know what— this is exactly what you two should do for your skate! Dig out your theatre roots and go for one of the musicals—”
Lily chuckled noncommittally, “yeah sure.”
“No, I’m being serious! Oh shut up Sirius—” she immediately said, with a huff from Sirius, “god. A couple of months away and I’m already forgetting. How could I. Anyway, James, Lily, you listen— you know what I think? I think you should properly look at all the theatre classics, romantic, and as intense as you want them—”
“Hmm,” James turned his head to the ceiling, snorting a laugh.
“Listen up! This could be your Eureka moment.”
“Alright, yes! Listening!”
“I could help you fix up a medley. No, really, I was going to do some work with Hogwarts’ orchestra anyway.”
“That— would be wonderful.”
“Wouldn’t it?” Mary grinned, “so what do you think? The Phantom, Les Mis— though James I don’t really think you could pull a Marius— Christian from Moulin Rouge— maybe. Or some Sondheim? A Little—”
“Wait no—” Lily started, at the same time as James:
“No stop a second—”
They paused, surprised, and slowly turned to look at each other. They became even more astonished to find the same shade of epiphany in each other’s look.
“Blimey,” James breathed, “this is it, isn’t it?”
Lily said nothing in response. She looked back at Mary.
“You said— Moulin Rouge, right?”
“Yeah…” Mary thought again, “Oh. Oh— oh my god! Satine and Christian!”
“I don’t get it.”
“Shut up Pete!”
“That movie was so cheesy!”
“Shut up! This makes so much sense!” Mary was grinning like mad, “Oh god this is wonderful. I could— we could start tonight—” she made to stand up, only to stumble.
“Hey it’s fine, it’s fine!” James pulled her back down. He and Lily were staring at each other with such a look in their eyes. “Oh Mary! Thank you, I— can’t believe we just—”
“I told you,” Mary said happily, “your Eureka moment! And Lily— come on, Satine is so hot—”
-
No matter how much Remus wanted to knock his own brains out, he couldn’t concentrate at all after that. On anything. He suspected something ugly in him was envious of his friends, and the thought sent through him shocks of guilt and disgust at himself. The buzz between his ears was becoming a swirl, pounding under his skull as though almost starting to block his vision.
He screwed his eyes shut. Surely, he could slip away without them noticing? The way they were so wrapped up in their rapture.
He felt Sirius place a concerned hand on his knee, but he lightly pushed it off. “Sorry Pads I— I’ve got a headache. Might just go outside for a while.”
Carefully, he stood and made his way to the door. Mary stopped him with a questioning look.
“Headache. Will probably turn in early tonight.” He said apologetically. And Mary put her drink down to envelop him in a hug.
“Go on you. I’ll explain to everyone.”
“It’s so good to see you.” Remus said sincerely. Having gotten Mary’s answering smile, he picked up his rucksack, “come for lunch on Sunday, yeah?” He said, and slipped out the room to the front door.
-
Out in the cool night air, Remus looked up and tried to breathe deeply. Above him, a blanket of bright stars were silently moving through another night, along their assigned tracks, in perfectly coordinated harmony. He wondered why everything else must seem so ordered, so peaceful.
Lily and James would really make an insane pair as Satine and Christian, he thought, despite how his brain might refuse to process it.
He sighed, feeling too tired to stay and too restless to go home. So he headed to the rink.
-
ok look I’ll break my rule and put my ramble here instead of in the tags because my dudes please watch Tessa and Scott’s Moulin Rouge free skate because it’s maybe *the* most iconic program in recent history?? it’s unironically almost a religious experience. if I remember right that was the reason this monster was started, like one time I watched (and look I’m not lying when I say I literally watched this daily recently while writing this) and my brain just went ‘wait… jily?’ and yeah anyway have a good day <3
“Remus Lupin!” bellowed a voice Remus hadn’t heard in two years.
He was just about to demonstrate the double axle to one of his older students. But he winced and stumbled on take-off, and landed with his arse on the ice.
And the boy had the audacity to laugh at him.
Remus groaned, “What do you want, you lunatic!” He shouted back, and looked towards the source of the voice. Sure enough, one Marlene Mckinnon, crop top, leather jacket, ripped jeans and all, was perched at the rails sporting an almost-amused smirk.
“Get your arse over here!”
The boy looked at Remus amusedly. “I guess that’s that for the day?”
“Yeah, I suppose so.” he muttered, shaking his head, “Sorry, Andrew. We’ll try that again next Tuesday, yeah?”
Marlene’s eyes followed him all the way as Remus made his way over. “You’ve got to stop letting those kids bribe you into unpaid overtime.”
“Well,” Remus shrugged, “how’d you think I started skating.”
“What’s it they say? Fight the system, not acquiesce to it?”
Remus laughed breathily, “good to see you too, Marls.”
Marlene was possibly the only one out of their friends to appear even less impressed to see Remus than he was to see them. But the fierce hug they shared betrayed them both.
“Marlene,” Remus drew back with a smile, arms still on her shoulders, “How did it take you so fucking long to show up?”
She lightly punched him in the side, “I’m here now, aren’t I?”
“How’ve you been?”
“Oh you know,” She grinned, running a hand through her messy blond locks, “a bit bored. But that’s life.”
“Oh my god,” Remus chuckled. They’ve come a long way from binge-reading Nietzsche and Dostoyevsky together at 3am, but— “you’re still exactly the same.”
“Surely nothing and no one ever really changes.” She deadpanned.
“None at all?”
“Well. Nothing that really matters.”
“Alright you.” Remus snorted fondly. “Then what’s this I hear about you falling in love?”
Marlene’s lips twitched, “Oh yeah?”
“So what. Have you gone crazy about someone and finally figured out what the fuss is all about now?”
“Oh no.” She laughed, “Didn’t you hear? Nothing changed. The world doesn’t turn over on its belly. You just don’t realise it isn’t really different. Sure, I’m crazy about her but. Always been, haven’t I?”
“Hmm.” Remus considered her with a small smile. “I quite like that. Good for you, Marls.”
-
It wasn’t long before the rest of everyone bundled in. They were impossibly loud as they poured down the sidewalk that led from Hogwarts into the village. Everyone was laughing, trying to have five different conversations with everyone else. Remus flitted between walking besides each of his friends, not a couple of words exchanged before one of them was pulled into another conversation. But it was the pleasant kind of exasperated buzz in his head. It’s been so long since they were like this. For perhaps the first time since they’ve graduated, all of them were gathered together in one spot. Well, almost everyone.
“Oh by the way!” James suddenly called out over all of them, “Did you all know that Mary is flying in tonight?”
“What?!”
“Who fucking what?”
“You’ve got to be kidding—”
“Why didn’t I know—”
James laughed as he was drowned out with a bout of surprised, indignant exclamations, and looked around delightedly at them all. “Well yeah! She told me her flight’s today, asked me to pick her up and everything!”
“No, no, no, James Potter—” Lily looked ready to pull out her hair, “did you just— forget to mention— how long have you known?”
“A couple of days.” The way James was grinning, one would think he’d won a million-pound prize. “Dance partner loyalty, and all that.”
“Not jealous, are you Lils?” Sirius nudged her with an elbow.
“Fuck you, Black.” Lily whipped her head around, her ponytail almost slapping James in the face as Sirius laughed.
“Mary that traitor,” Dorcas said disbelievingly, “How come she didn’t tell any of us! I knew she was coming back soon but not— James, when exactly is she arriving?”
“Oh, she’ll probably be landing soon, I was gonna get home and get the car straight away.”
“Bloody fuck,” Remus breathed. “Glasgow? Godspeed with the traffic, Prongs.” James responded with a two-finger salute.
“Yeah, want us to pack you something to eat on the way?” Peter added.
“Nah, it’s all good! Just make it good for when we get back.” James winked.
“You bastard,” Marlene said, “guess we’re at yours tonight then? Bloody hell, give some warning for this sort of shit next time.”
“Where’s all the fun to that!”
Marlene rolled her eyes. “We’ll go grab some beers then, shall we?”
“And pizza. Literally nothing else would do.”
“Good call, Pete!”
Remus shook his head to himself. This was bound to be a long and raucous night. As everyone else prattled on excitedly about their plans, Sirius sidled up to him.
“Remus—” he smiled a little nervously, and said under his breath, “I know we said we’d go somewhere just the two of us tonight, but—”
“Shut up.” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand with both of his, “of course we’ll bunk in with everyone. What were you thinking?”
“Know you must be tired. Had a long day, wanting a quiet night, that’s all.”
“No, it’s fine.” Remus shook his head, “I can’t wait to see Mary. Fuck, I can’t believe we’re all here.”
“Crazy, ‘innit?” Sirius chuckled breathily.
“You didn’t know either, did you?”
“No.” Sirius gave him a lopsided little smile. “Not a clue.”
They shared a quiet smile, the lamplights’ shadow gliding across their faces as they continued walking forwards.
“We’ll do this again another day, won’t we?” Sirius asked.
“For sure. Any day you want, really. We don’t even need to set a date, most of the time you end up grabbing me for the evening anyway.”
“Alright, well. What about tomorrow?”
“A saturday? We won’t be at the rink though.”
“Yeah, but we could just go for dinner anyway.” Sirius shrugged, looking ahead.
Remus smirked a little. “Won’t miss me so much after one weekend, will you?”
Sirius huffed, “will you come with me or not?”
“Yeah, of course.” Remus said quietly, after a short moment.
Sirius turned to him then with a soft smile. “It’s set, then.”
-
Sirius’ phone buzzed— it’s a message from James. Remus leaned in to read over Sirius’ shoulder. They’ve piled into Sirius and James’ house, with enough food and drink to feed a zoo. Though Remus supposed they weren’t all that different from a zoo. The message read:
Pronks: were just outside town now!!!xxxx
“Ahoy mates!” Sirius exclaimed and jumped off the sofa, “they’ll be here soon!”
Remus picked up the phone that kept buzzing:
gon make it a surprise kay? turn the lights off and everything
With some sort of telepathic understanding, Sirius was already running up and down closing curtains and turning off lights.
“Right, Pete, you’re on window duty. Signal the moment you see Prongs’ car rolling in.” He flew around the room, so fully in his element, “someone go get the upstairs light, I’ll stand by for hall and kitchen— Lily, can you find the stairs?”
“I don’t know where your lights are—”
“Ow Lils that was my foot—”
“Oh I’m so sorry—”
“Can you turn the fucking lights back on?” Marlene waved an arm around, hitting Remus in the chest, “oh for fucks— can y’all calm down?”
“Calm down, Marls? We’re about to see Mary!”
“Can someone please go upstairs those lights on the stairs are our fanciest!”
“Alright I’ll go!” Remus relented, getting up and started to feel his way through the dark.
“Love you Moons! Okay, do you think we’ve got any streamers?”
“Oh my god can we not—”
“Code red!” Peter suddenly shouted, turning from the crack in the curtain, “targets approaching— everyone get to station, wherever we didn’t even agree to!”
After a couple minutes of waiting interrupted with occasional whispers and stifled giggles, they heard muffled talking through the doorway. Laughter— James’ booming bellows and Mary’s high pitched giggles— a jangling of keys, then the key was turning in the hole, and the door cracked open. The shadow of a shaggy head was seen in the doorway before James flicked a light on. With it, the entire house burst alight.
“Surprise!!” Everyone shouted, jumping from behind walls and furniture. Remus poked his head down the top of the stairs.
“Welcome home, Mary!” James grinned, stepping aside to let Mary take in the room and everyone around. She stood wide-eyed and still for long moments, jean jacket awry and high ponytail messy from travel, both hands full with travel sacks. Everyone held their breath.
“Oh my god.” Mary dropped the bags and covered her mouth with her hands. Her eyes were shiny, “of fucking course all of you are fucking here!”
In unison, the entire room flooded forwards, and crowded the tiny hallway in the loudest, grandest group hug they’ve had in two years.
“Mmh. I’ve missed you. Where the hell have you been?”
“What, I thought I was giving you and Sirius some space.”
Remus’ head snapped to her, looking scandalised, “excuse me? That’s what you’re call gallivanting around with James?”
“What was I supposed to do when you were off with Sirius all the time?”
“Well what if I thought I was ‘giving you and James some space’?”
They narrowed their eyes at one another.
“Let’s drop it.”
“Hm.” Remus hummed sceptically.
“Alright! I’m sorry!” Lily said, “Your love life is not my excuse! Neither is mine yours. Happy?”
“Fine.” Remus crossed his arms, “so it’s a ‘love life’ you’ve got now?”
“Oh you know,” Lily looked on the verge of blushing.
“What have you gotten up to?”
“We— ended up going on a few dates. And umm, went back to his, when Sirius was out,” she was undeniably red now. Remus smirked and punched her arm. “Hey! Not so fast. When Sirius was out— with you, I presume?”
Remus thought about it. “I think that’s when he came to have dinner with me and mum.”
“Getting cosy, are we?”
“Well. Then there’s that time we biked to the regional park? That wasn’t cosy at all, that was quite cold. And he had the bright idea of hitchhiking to Glasgow to go to an arcade. That one didn’t really work out, obviously, we ended up on the train. Got back in the middle of the night.”
Lily looked at him in wonder.
“He did get to go to the arcade, though. I quite enjoyed watching him go berserk alongside a bunch of children.”
“Have you—” Lily asked curiously, “talked with him about it?”
Remus took a long moment to sigh, then looked back at Lily. There was no question what ‘it’ was. The ‘it’ between two people that sometimes had a name but Remus simply didn’t yet want to name.
“Maybe. No. Not exactly.” Remus said, “We did decide to just be comfortable around one another. Physically too, to some extent. Doesn’t mean it has to be a— thing.”
The look Lily was giving him resembled how one might look at a cute little puppy about to make a fool of itself, brows drawn and holding in a laugh.
“Oh shut up.”
She continued to regard him with a tilt of the head, “but do you want it to be ‘a thing’? Have you really thought about it?”
“I— don’t know.” Remus muttered, and shrugged. “I sort of have a lot on my mind.”
-
“Do bandaids work on lips? Bandaids don’t work on lips.”
“Huh?” Remus looked up at James, who stood looming over Remus as he sat in the stands hunched over a pile of files “what in hell are you on about?”
“Can’t put a bandaid on your lips, so you should stop biting them, before they start bleeding.”
“Oh.” Remus poked at his bottom lip with his tongue. It did feel rather tender, “I didn’t even realise.”
“Stressed?”
“A bit, I guess.”
“What are those?” James sat down next to him and gestured at the pile.
“Oh. Just trying to figure out my jumps. Key word trying. And not getting very far.” He flicked through the top few sheets to display pages full of component score calculations.
“Blimey. All this for that? Sure you aren’t overthinking it?”
“Course not. And no, most of the pile is just class schedules for McGonagall, which I also still need to figure out, shit—”
“Oh. Chill, Remus, it’s fine—”
“—Oh and she’ll be hounding me about the free skate music again.” Remus didn’t like the way his head was almost going dizzy, “James—”
“C’mon Remus.” James wrapped an arm around his shoulder, “take it easy, yeah? It’s really all fine. Lord knows me and Lils are nowhere near the end of bickering about it too.”
Remus huffed through his nose but said nothing.
“You’ve got no need to be so wrung out about the jumps at all, either.” James declared, ever the pep-talker, “It’ll all make sense the moment you got your music sorted.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I suppose.” Remus sighed, and ran both hands over his face, “thank you, James.”
“No problem. And hit me up if you want me to take over a couple of classes, yeah?”
Remus knew that James knew he’d never actually accept the offer, but it was nice to hear, regardless.
“Sure.” he said with a little smile.
“Alrighty.” James nodded satisfiedly, and moved to stand up, “See you around, Moony.”
“Hmm.” Remus replied distractedly, before a thought occurred to him. “Wait— you wait just the moment.” he started, pulling James by his sleeve, “I’ve got a couple of questions about you and ‘Lils’, Mr Potter.”
James smiled sheepishly. Remus smirked.
-
“Oh my god, what are you doing here now?”
Remus sighed at another interruption. Though it was probably a good thing. He might be doing his head in at this rate.
It was Dorcas this time. She breathed heavily and her face flushed olive— most likely due to having run across campus from her dance session.
“Oh I, have a class to take in—” Remus said distractedly, checking his watch, “an hour.”
“Again, why the fuck are you here? Where’s Sirius?”
“He’s visiting Benjy’s studio in town for choreo.”
“Of course.” Dorcas muttered, “so what, you’re just going to coop in here all day because no one’s dragging you out?”
“It hasn’t been all day— and wasn’t going to be all day!”
“Yeah, ‘cause you’ve got dinner plans with Sirius?”
“No!”
“I know you do, love, he told me himself.”
Remus groaned. “What, you think that’s something you’ve got over me?”
“Why were you so quick to deny it then?”
“Well you made it sound like— something it’s not!”
“I said nothing of the sort. Have you considered this concept called projecting?”
“Sirius, why has Fabian sent me a letter to apologise to you?” Remus poked him in the stomach with his toes.
“Hmm?” Sirius groggily lifted his head from Remus’ chest, trying to blink the sleep away. “Fabian… oh! Er—”
“He said he’s sorry for, and I quote, ‘inappropriate advances’ towards you, ‘due to some misunderstandings that had inadvertently arisen, I hope this will not come between our friendship—’” Remus read quickly, “Sirius, what happened?”
“Hm.” Sirius slowly pushed himself up onto his elbows, “that’s funny.”
“I for one have not seen Fabian this awkward about anything.”
“All that sounding formal too.”
“What did you do?”
“I umm.” rip the bandage off, “I kissed him. Or really, he kissed me.”
“Oh, so you’re branching out.” Remus drew up his knees and looked at Sirius lopsidedly, “but then why’s Fabian apologising? Unless you aren’t branching out, but you’ve not been dating for a while either, so is that why you— did you think you might be— oh, Sirius. Come here.”
“Huh?” Sirius said a little dumbly, but let Remus take him in his arms.
“Who would have known all that was going on in your head, huh?”
“Is that supposed to be an insult?”
Remus laughed, Sirius scowled.
“Really, though, whatever worked or didn’t work— it’s alright. You know that, don’t you?”
Sirius bit his lips and grunted. “It wasn’t supposed to not work, though.”
“What does that mean?”
“This isn’t normal, is it?”
“What’s normal then? Having sex with boys?”
“Yes, obviously! Fabian’s fine!”
“But Fabian doesn’t want to have sex with girls.”
“Well yeah.”
“So it’s fine to not want to have sex with girls, and it’s ‘obviously’ fine not wanting to have sex with boys, it’s also apparently perfectly fine to want both— then why can’t you just not want either?”
“Yeah but. You have to want something, don’t you? It’s part of being human or whatever.”
“Pads, hate to break it to you,” Remus deadpanned, “but you’re actually talking to a werewolf.”
“That’s not what I—”
“And you happen to be a dog. Not really a ‘human’ are you?”
“I’m clearly more than just a human. So are you. That’s what Nietzsche meant by ubermensch right?”
Remus looked as though he seriously thought about the suggestion, “Sure. Something like that. And the ubermensch cares not about what’s normal, which are clearly all a farce.”
“It’s too early in the morning for this.”
“For what?” Remus said innocently? “Cuddling? You can get out now if you want. Or— is it too abnormal for a manly male friendship?”
“Shut up.” Sirius whined, snuggling even closer to Remus.
“Hiya lads!” James burst in through their door, “ooh have I come in on cuddling hour?” he said, and launched himself at them.
“Gerrof Prongs! You’re all sweaty and gross!”
“I’m joining too.” Peter poked his head out from the toilet, toothbrush still in his mouth. He ambled over and curled into Remus’ other side, butting off James to sprawl across the foot of the bed.
-
“Wait a second.” the thought occurred to Sirius halfway thought the day, “Remus, how did you know Fabian’s gay?”
“Oh well,” Remus said breezily, “he told me he had a crush on me once.”
—
The Marauders had a motto— they did whatever they liked, long as no one got hurt. (well, no one who wasn’t a git).
Then came the night when Sirius first failed his promise of never leaving Moony alone on a full moon. And—
“When we said we could do whatever we liked long as no one got hurt,” Remus said coldly, not looking at him, “this wasn’t what I meant.”
It was the morning after, when Sirius tried to visit feeling like he had a rotting pit for a heart. And sure, of course, whatever he did or wanted to do was precisely who he was. But it was clearly far from fine, or normal, or good.
—
He talked to the boys about it at the start of sixth year. Everything in their dorm, the window panes, the bed curtains, hung exactly where they’d always been. Yet everything felt so strange. Remus was standing in the corner, listening carefully, but the air between them was still stilted.
“I get it, I think.” Peter said, “I might be the same. Is it like, you don’t really care what the other person is? Boy, girl, whatever?”
“Got it in one, Pete.”
“Yeah. I think I’m like that too.”
“Oh. Thanks for telling us.”
“But then,” Peter continued, “you don’t really want to kiss them or have sex with them.”
“That too.”
“Yeah, that’s the part I don’t really get.”
“It’s just,” Sirius scratched his head, “I don’t look at a person and think, I want to have sex with them. Ever. Or even kissing, but that’s— fine, I guess. Could do without it, though.”
He glanced over to find Remus looking straight into his eyes, gaze sharp yet unreadable. At what must have been Sirius’ worried look, Remus pressed his lips together in what could have been a tight smile. Sirius felt acknowledged and reassured nonetheless.
—
Having been paired with Lily Evans for Charms, with James looking on in resigned despair, must have been the funniest thing to have happened to him— in some universe where it didn’t happen because Remus probably had asked to not be with him.
“I swear, Black, if you’re going to spend this whole time advertising James Potter to me I will make your life miserable.”
“Yeh. I know you could. But do you want to hear about the time he laughed so hard at something you said soup came out of his nose?”
But it turned out that it was just James who Lily was a threat to.
-
“You have a
“You have a crush on Remus.”
“What?”
“You do. You’re staring at him all the time.”
Sirius couldn’t quite talk about why he was looking at Remus rather than being with him; or about how every new day he still felt like guilt was being kneaded into him like dough. “Am I, not allowed to look at my friend?”
“You don’t stare at Peter like that, do you. Not even James.”
“Yeah well, what’s there to stare at?”
Lily laughed. “Sure.”
“It’s not like— I want to kiss him or anything.” Sirius said lamely.
“Oh come on. You think that’s the only symptom of having a crush? And it’s not like you have to want to kiss them to have a crush on them.”
“Nope Evans. You’re making no sense.” Sirius decided, “what does it even mean to have a crush, huh? Can you tell me that?”
Lily rolled her eyes “can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”
-
It was quite unlucky the way Lily planted the idea in his head. It was quite unlucky the way he was noticing how much he noticed Remus. Remus, who sang Joni Mitchell in the shower and talked in his sleep. Who liked David Bowie way too much and gave the best cuddles. Who Sirius would clearly do anything for,
And he wondered.
-
The answer came on an unremarkable afternoon in the common room. Remus was playing chess with Peter, and when Sirius approached them, Remus looked up towards him, and unhesitatingly smiled. It was open and careless, a smile Sirius hadn’t seen directed at him for months. Then Sirius suddenly knew that they were okay. So much more than okay.
Remus, however, quickly went back to scowling at the game between him and Peter. He was so clearly losing.
Instead of directing his next play with his voice, Remus took out his wand, and started poking at his tragically few remaining pieces.
“Remus, hey, what are you doing?” Peter immediately tried to grab at Remus’ wand, almost upsetting the board.
Remus showed no sign of relenting. Peter grabbed the board to take it away, a suddenly movement that badly startled some of the chess pieces. They started pointing their tiny arrows and canons towards Peter, firing at him.
“Ow! Alright.” Peter put his hand up. Remus smirked.
He stabbed at his remaining pawns until they looked like queens— with crooked crowns and third-handed gowns. But they apparently didn’t mind
“Queen to D4, queen to E5, queen to F4.” Remus said triumphantly, tapping at each of the transfigured pawns, “Oh hell yeh. Checkmate, Pete!”
Peter groaned. “I hate you!”
“I didn’t know you could be so blatant with cheating.” Sirius said breezily
“Sorry buddy,” Remus said, grinning, not sounding sorry at all. As Peter’s king has been felled, he waved a finite over the board, then stood to give his seat up. “Go on then, Pads.”
And he sat serenely with a book, watching Sirius getting absolutely destroyed by a still-fuming Peter three games in a row. And Sirius could hardly pay enough attention to mind, because he’d just gotten Moony back, who was smiling and grinning and smirking at him, and all was alright in the world.
—
It was a sunny weekend afternoon. The common room, albeit bright and warm and cosier than ever, was abandoned as expected. Except.
Sirius caught Remus sitting at the piano, stumbling through the chords of Starman, while singing along under his breath. Sirius grinned widely, creeped over, lightly pushing Remus till he budged over, and plopped himself down right by him.
“Want me to teach you?” He doesn’t wait for an affirmative, “Like this, see—” he wound an arm around Remus to place his own hands over Remus’.
He shuffled their hands to correct Remus’ awkward finger positions, one chord at a time through the whole song, then back to the start and again. It was slow and awkward, punctuated by intermittent laughs, huffs of frustration, Sirius playfully slapping Remus’ wrist when he got it wrong, again.
“You are literally breathing down my neck.”
“This isn’t fair. You could be so good at this, your hands are so big. You barely need to spread your fingers for the octave.”
“What’s that got to do with the timing? My brain is literally trying to split apart—”
After another suppressed grunt that escaped as a squeak, Remus laughed softly and shuffled away from Sirius.
“Alright you, go on.” At Sirius’ raised eyebrow, he added, “You’re clearly itching to play yourself.”
“Well, alright.”
Sirius dramatically cleared his throat, wiggled his fingers in the air. Slowly, he lowered his hands to the keys, and then he was off. The familiar chords filled the room, ringing more crisp and delicate than the twangy guitar of the original song. His fingers raced up and down the keys, at times leaning close into Remus to reach the keys. Remus leaned back into him. As the chorus came up, he turned his head to look at Remus, grinning madly as he belted about starmen and children losing it. Remus had the crinkle by his eyes, head nodding in beat as he softly hummed along. His eyes flitted between Sirius’ eyes and the way his fingers flitted over keys, adding flourish between lines of lyrics almost by instinct.
Finishing on a glorious glissando, Sirius let out a long happy sigh. He took a moment to ponder almost in amazement at the way his hands were poised on the piano. This was the most fun he’d had playing the instrument perhaps ever.
Sirius turned his head, and it was to catch Remus with a small smile again.
“What?” Sirius said, his own grin softening.
“Show-off.” Remus said fondly, shoving at him.
Sirius laughed brightly, “Hey, here, let me teach you a couple more—”
That’s how Lily found them, huddled close over the piano. Low laughs between them underscoring melodies that edged between rock and classical.
Remus was the first to see her, a curtain of sunlight away, standing near the common room entrance. “Lily! Come here!” he called her over.
Sirius wondered how long she’d been standing there watching them.
-
“Sooo are you in a relationship?”
“Who?”
She gave him an unimpressed look.
“Alright, alright.” Sirius laughed, “But no, obviously not. Remus doesn’t even want a relationship.”
“How dare you decide what he wants or not?”
“No, I’m Serious,” he said— Lily glared at him, daring him to make the joke, so he had to let it pass— “Moony doesn’t care about girls— or boys. Moony cares about books.”
Lily rolled her eyes, “well he could change, couldn’t he?”
Sirius rose to retort, but snapped his mouth shut at Lily’s single raised finger.
“And this isn’t really about Remus. I’m asking you, Sirius. Would you want to stand and watch Remus in a relationship with someone else?”
The thought left a funny feeling in his stomach, though decidedly unpleasant.
“… No.”
“I thought as much. So you want to be in a relationship with him.”
“I mean— not really, not like that.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno, like James wants with you?”
“God. You just had to bring him up.”
“As is my duty.”
Lily sighed. “But think about it, won’t you? About what you feel about or want with Remus. You’ve got to at some point.”
-
It all came out in a rush, when the two of them were alone under their tree by the lake.
“I am in love with you, I think.” Sirius said into the sun.
Remus lifted an eyebrow. “You think?”
“I— think. Yeah.”
“But what does that mean? That you’re in love with me? Rather than plain old loving?”
“I don’t know. Just, more. Possibly.”
“How exactly?” Remus asked in a murmur.
“I… don’t know.”
This wasn’t how Sirius thought it was going to go at all.
“You love me, Moony, don’t you?”
“‘Course I do.”
“But in the same way you’d love James and Pete.”
“Obviously not,” Remus closed his eyes against the sun, “you’re not James and Pete.”
“But I mean like—”
“I know what you—”
“— As a friend. You love me as a friend.”
Remus opened his eyes, turned to look at him. He pushed himself up onto his elbows.
“Well, what’s the difference between your closest best friend and your boyfriend or girlfriend?”
“Pft. Boyfriends and girlfriends are so much sillier.”
“What about, say, soulmates?”
Sirius didn’t answer for a very long time.
“There’s no difference, is there?”
Then Sirisu saw. It’s what Remus has been trying to show him. Remus has been trying to show him for years. Every act of trust and loyalty and forgiveness and tenderness, though Sirius didn’t realise, they had been talking with their souls.
And Sirius saw in Remus what Padfoot, as a dog, had known since he laid eyes on Moony the very first time.
The realisation hits him with the weight of the entirety of the blue sky. Bright light and white clouds stood as witness.
The sun was on his neck, the wind was in his face. And Sirius felt so high like he was sailing.
“Moony?”
“Yeah?”
“I think you are my soulmate.”
The shock of a smile that emerged on Moony’s face— so careful and tender and subtly making his entire face glow up from his crinkled eye to his lifted cheeks. It made Sirius want to bottle it and hold it forever. It made Sirius feel so proud to have been its cause.
Early December of fifth year, Sirius turned into a dog.
He was the first out of the three of them to get it. In the tiny space between their beds, a huge black dog jumped around ecstatically, tongue rolling out by instinct, beaming back at three huge grins of the other boys.
It took a while to settle into Padfoot’s mind, it took a while to understand the words again as a dog. But that first time, all he could remember feeling was that when looking at Remus, there was something he recognised in him with a bone-deep conviction— and he knew Moony must have felt it too. All he could remember seeing was the way Moony looked back at him, reached out to him, bursting with disbelief and awe and happiness.
James tried to pick him up from behind, Padfoot tried to shake him off. It ended up being a bear hug and a tumble onto the floor.
“Oy Pads you’re so heavy — Mhmhrg—” he screwed his eyes shut as Padfoot licked all over his face.
-
Sirius knew it was going to come up like this. But that didn’t lessen how awful he felt.
“Remus, please.” he pleaded again, looking at the ground between their feet.
“I can’t let you.”
“Wasn’t this the whole point? Letting us come with you?”
“Not with only one of you! Fuck, Sirius. I know the wolf, you know what the wolf would do. You think I will lock you in there all night alone with it?”
“I will bloody well go find you then!”
“No don’t you dare.”
“But how could I just sit in the dorm doing nothing while you’re out there—”
“You’re not doing nothing! You’re keeping me safe by staying safe yourself— If I’d hurt you, Sirius, I would— fuck. I’d rather I died.”
Sirius rushed forward, closed his arms around Remus and held on as tight as he could. “Don’t. Don’t say that.” He said, voice low. It terrified him to know when Remus said something like this, he’d truly meant it. “Before the next moon. James and Pete will have gotten it too. You’ll let us come with?”
“I—” slowly, Remus lifted his arms to wrap around Sirius’ back, “we’ll have to see. You need to be powerful enough to hold me down. I can’t risk hurting any of you.”
“The last.” Sirius pulled back, grabbing his hand and seeking his eyes, “This is the last moon you spend alone. I promise.”
Remus looked away, “I can’t promise you that, Sirius.”
-
“Sirius, stop.”
Ever since Remus has gone down to the shack alone, Sirius had been pacing the room back and forth. Even Peter had started to protest.
“Pete I just, I can’t believe I’ve still got to sit here, not able to do anything.”
“Your walking a hole into the floor is not going to help him.”
“Argh.” Sirius pulled his hair in frustration. “I can’t stop thinking about it, alright? I should be there!”
“You’re not, and you won’t be tonight. It is what it is, just sit down!”
Sirius was stunned to a stop. Peter was almost never this blunt. James came out of the bathroom then, already in pyjamas, and pushed past him towards the door.
“Prongs, where are you doing?”
“I’m going to find Dorcas, and ask for Care of Magical Creature notes, because Remus was too distracted today,” James said quietly, a hand on the door, “and then I’m going to bed, so I could wake up at sunrise to get Remus from the shack.”
He pinned Sirius with a look, then slipped through the door.
Sirius breathed hard through his nose. He glared at the closed door and tried to push down the flare in his chest, before marching towards it himself.
“Where are you going?”
“For a walk.”
-
Sirius had almost made it out of the common room when a voice called out.
“Hey, Sirius?”
“Not now—”
“No, Sirius, wait—”
Sirius turned around. It was a girl from his Runes class, looking at him expectantly. He almost cried out in despair— not now of all times.
“Monica?”
“Yeah, I thought, well.” She peeked up at him, a shy small smile at her lips, “I wouldn’t have come up to you, but it’s almost Christmas…”
The common room was quiet at this time, but there were still more than a few pairs of eyes looking towards them. He could almost hear the other girl’s heart pounding out of her chest.
And Sirius, truly in accordance of all his self-destructive tendencies, thought, fuck it.
He forced a weak smile which could have passed for a sly smirk, and said, “Well, do you want to go for a walk with me, then?”
Her eyes widened, “yeah, that sounds good. Really good.”
“Where do you want to go? Out of the grounds?”
“But how could we?”
“Oh, I know my way around. Don’t worry.”
-
Whatever possessed him to take Monica out here to Hogsmeade, to the clearing looking towards the Shrieking Shack, he regretted it now. The ramshackle cabin stood not half a mile away. They could hear the noises coming from it. It made Sirius want to tear out his chest— and to know that was probably what Remus was doing to himself now—
They hear a howl.
“What’s that?” Monica grabbed his arm tightly in alarm.
“Oh, it’s haunted. Didn’t you know? Most haunted house in Britain.”
“Really?” her eyes widened, flickering in the moon. “Sirius, I’m scared.”
Sirius laughed flatly, “What’s there to be scared of? You live in a castle full of ghosts.”
“But— what could be making those noises? That can’t have been a ghost.”
“What do you know, must be Moaning Myrtle’s party.”
She chuckled tensely. “Yeah. Must be.”
“Stop you worrying. We’re fine.”
“How do you know that?”
“I just do.”
“Oh.”
She was trying to look into his eyes now, though he could barely see her face. With where they were standing, her visage was entirely hidden in shadow, while Sirius’ own was fully lit by the moon. He sighed to himself. Tomorrow she’ll probably be telling her friends all about seeing the moonlight in his eyes, or something. She started to lean in towards him.
–
“Sirius, Sirius wake up.”
“Hmm? Moony?”
It wasn’t Moony, it couldn’t have been. It was a small, feminine hand that was shaking his shoulder repeatedly. They’d fallen asleep in the kitchens after they got back.
“It’s morning. We’re going to miss class. Who’s Moony?”
Sirius snapped up. He missed the sunrise.
“Fuck.”
“Hey, it’s alright. Breakfast’s just started, I think. And we could just eat here.” She walked around the baskets of fresh pastries, but all that the smell did was make him sick.
“I’ve, I’ve got to go.” He said, scrambling towards the door. He didn’t stop to explain or to placate the startled girl.
“Oh, alright. See you soon—”
Sirius raced through the empty halls, breath wheezing painfully in his throat, heart pounding louder than his echoing steps. If breakfast was starting, then it must have been around two hours since the moon has set. Fuck. He wanted to punch a wall, he wanted to punch his own face. He could have cried because how could he?
-
It was clear from the moment he fell by Remus’ bed with the others that he wasn’t the only one furious with himself.
“Remus, hey.” he said breathlessly, “Hi, you guys.”
“Hey Pads.” Peter replied quietly. Remus gave him a closed-lipped smile that didn’t reach his eyes, and James wasn’t looking at him.
“Remus, how are you feeling?”
“Same as always.” he shrugged.
“I’m so sorry I’m late. I’m sorry I didn’t go pick you up.”
“It’s alright. You never had to.”
“No—”
“Yeah, it’s fine. We managed alright with the two of us.”
“Hm.” Remus snorted lightly, “only needed two babysitters today.”
“Is there anything else you need?”
“Well, I suppose not. Pomfrey has got me all patched up.”
“We could get some food.” James spoke for the first time since Sirius came in. He looked straight at Sirius. “Padfood? Should we nip down to the hall?”
Sirius nodded slowly, stood up, and followed him out.
-
It was rare to see James Potter angry. It was even rarer to see James Potter angry at Sirius Black.
“Right. So out with it. Where were you all night?”
Sirius looked for the words to explain.
“Peter said you went for a walk. But you weren’t just strolling around moping by yourself, were you?”
Sirius looked away.
“Were you with someone else?” James asked sceptically. “Sirius, who were you with?”
Sirius took a deep breath.
“Monica.”
“What?”
“It was Monica. Gryffindor girl from Runes.”
“Sirius, what the fuck?” James stopped in his tracks, and pulled Sirius by the arms to face him.
“She came up to me, alright?”
“Why the fuck would you have— you said you were worried. Your way of showing that is to find some girl to snog and gallivant around all night?”
“That’s not what I—”
“So you’re saying you didn’t go around with a girl instead of sleeping and coming with us this morning?”
“You’re— not being fair— that’s not what it was like.”
“Then tell me what it was.”
“Well let me explain then.”
“Alright, go on.” James paused at the hall entrance, arms crossed and disbelieving glare sharp behind his glasses.
“I was— worried, I told you. I—” Sirius paused and took a couple of deep breaths. This was James, he reminded himself, James out of anyone wouldn’t hate him. “I’m not like you, the way you always just know how to mother hen us, how to be the most help rather than proselytising or sulking, I—” Sirius peered at James, who was now biting his lips and looking more worried than angry, “I got carried away brooding rather than— doing. The girl just— got in the way. I didn’t want her there, not really. But I know. I’ve been a piece of shit to everyone.” he said quietly to the ground.
Sirius heard James’ long sigh as they began walking again.
“Padfoot?”
“Yeh?”
“You’re such an idiot.”
“I’m sorry—”
“Nah. It’s alright. It’s not a big deal.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“You got us so fucking worried, Pete thought you must have gone down to the shack, but. Well, as you said, it wouldn’t really help anyone, would it?”
“Prongs—”
“Also, I just don’t understand why you still do it. This whole girls thing. Has it ever ended well for anyone ever?”
“Well I don’t know what makes you keep going after Evans even though you clearly annoy the fuck out of her.”
“Bloody hell, you’re such an ass.” James said as he pushed open the hospital wing door.
-
“You guys alright?” Peter asked, head tilted.
“Padfoot is being a git.”
Remus lifted a questioning eyebrow.
“Nah, we’re alright.” Sirius breathed out, shoving the basket of food at Peter.
-
“So have you told James or should I tell James?”
Sirius’ head snapped up from where it rested on Remus’ hips to look at him. Peter and James had gone to class; Sirius quietly elected himself to stay.
“What do you mean?”
“What you were doing last night? Who was it this time?”
“I— what?”
“You came down, didn’t you? To the shack.”
“How… did you know?”
“The wolf could smell you.” Remus gave him a dry, wry smile. “The both of you.”
“Did you know who it was?”
“It did.”
Sirius’ heart dropped. He hadn’t realised. “It didn’t make things harder?”
Sirius looked down, carefully reached for and held the bandaged arm. Remus didn’t push him away. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t understand. Sirius, I simply don’t understand.”
“The girls thing?”
“Whatever you’re calling it.”
“Yeah. Prongs said that too.”
—
On Christmas morning, Sirius received an enormous blurry picture, taken by Peter, of the most magnificent stag— and a howler from James yelling excitedly about it. In his room, Sirius cheered to himself, loud enough to rival the howler. It was worth everything Walburga might have put him through.
In January, it rained on the night of the full moon. The grounds were slippery and freezing and wet with mud, but they led Moony out of the battered cell, tumbled around and chased each other with so much freedom he’d never known. And in the morning, as they picked their way back in the grey light, muscles bruised and aching, teeth chattering and limbs about to freeze off, Sirius could only think it was all so worth it.
—
When Monica finally approached him after days of glaring from the distance, Sirius was almost relieved to get this over with.
“The entire holiday, no notes, no letters, what was I supposed to think?”
“I told you, I can’t send letters from that madhouse!”
It took a turn, however, when Monica grabbed him and tried to kiss him— Sirius flinched away.
“Why don’t you kiss me?”
“I just don’t feel like it, alright?”
“And why have you never asked to have sex with me? In fact, I don’t think you’ve asked any of the girls you’ve been with.”
“Morgana’s fuck. Have you been asking around? How fucking petty can you—”
“But why is that? Is it ‘cause you don’t know how, or because you can’t?”
“Woah, lay off, won’t you?”
“—Because you’re a bit of a freak, aren’t you?”
Before she could have gotten another word in, Sirius pulled out his wand and hexed.
He’d hear about a detention by the end of the day, but having to be seen walking to the hospital wing with nose hairs trailing to the ground might just get some of them calling her a freak as well.
-
Sirius found Remus just where he expected to, curled into a sofa with a book. Sirius made a beeline towards him.
“You have five seconds to get off me.” Remus said, eyes not leaving his page.
Sirius whined, face buried in Remus’ lap. “I could blackmail you into keeping me.”
“With what?”
“The fact that you talk in your sleep.”
“Where did— that come from?” Remus lightly knocked his head with the book’s spine, “also, I most certainly do not.”
“Did too.”
Remus groaned.
“You really should stop drinking tea before going to bed.”
“Shut up.” Remus muttered.
Sirius smirked into his thigh.
—
Fabian came to visit McGonagall for some war business in spring, and he made time especially to catch up with Sirius, the good chap. They were on the far side of the lake when the-girls-thing came up.
“So, who’s the latest bird in your series?”
“Oh, um. There’s really not been anyone for a while.”
“How come?”
“Got a bit bored, I suppose.”
Fabian laughed, “What, so they’re up to your standard now, are they?” he said, waggling his brows.
“I mean. It’s just girls, it’s just kissing. No big deal.”
Fabian looked at him curiously.
“It wasn’t particularly interesting.” Sirius continued, “But I just thought I might as well, since the girls seemed to like it so much. I could probably do without all the nonsense that comes with, to be honest.”
“Mate. Why are you doing it if you aren’t having fun?”
“Oh you know. I thought it’s just something you do for them. Stuff like buying flowers and chocolates.”
“Buddy, you know your average bloke actually enjoys that kind of stuff, for himself?”
“I do too,” Sirius said quickly, “sort of.”
“Oh, but you know what I mean.”
Sirius lifted an eyebrow, and looked at him. Do I?
“Then what about you?” he eventually asked.
“Me? I am an unspeakable of the Oscar Wilde sort.”
Fabian winked. Sirius felt his cheeks warm— as he never did, with a girl.
-
At some point, they had started kissing. And Sirius had immediate thought, yeah, this makes so much more sense. And for a moment he was perfectly content, everything was glorious clear, until—
Until Fabian’s hands wandered down and down and pressed between his legs, Sirius froze. There was precisely one memory his entire brain short circuited to.
He shifted his legs unfortunately over Fabian’s lap, only to find that Fabian was hard. He sprang up.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Fabian looked at him in confusion.
“I’m sorry, Fab, mate, but— no.”
-
Remus was sitting on his bed, again with a book. Sirius immediately crawled in next to him, curling into Remus’ side. It was warm and safe and familiar and comfortable and was about the only thing that would have made him feel better.
-
“Argh!” Remus cried out in frustration, snapped the book shut and threw it down onto the bed.
Sirius, who had draped himself across Remus’ back and was reading with his chin on his shoulder, jerked up in alarm. “Wait what’s wrong?” He said, startled.
“I can’t stand him. Anthony is such a prick.”
“What are you talking about? I like Anthony!”
“Why in Merlin’s hell would you say that?”
“Well he’s cute. And soft. I like it when they’re all quiet and gentlemanly on the outside but burns on the inside, you know? Sensitive and passionate and hey, you know, he’s a bit like you, isn’t he? The sarcasm streak checks out for sure.”
But Remus was looking at him with creased brows and mouth slightly agape. He looked a bit horrified. “Oh god. You’re right.” Remus muttered, and sighed resignedly, “fair enough. Another one of those, huh? Can’t make his mind up about anything, spends his time daydreaming about ideals and pretends to have principles but doesn’t do a thing in real life to fight for them.”
“Hey, that’s not what I said!”
“Same difference.”
“That’s not how it works, you’re supposed to see that he’s a good person.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “then why’d you tell me Anthony’s like me?”
“Stop that, Moony.”
“Oh, I mean. Sure, one might enjoy seeing themself reflected in a character, therefore catching where you shine and accepting your flaws,” he said robotically, “But I don’t. I don’t want to read about myself. I annoy the hell out of myself!”
“What are you even hating about Anthony?” Sirius said bewilderedly.
“Come on, Pads, are we even reading the same book? Obviously Anthony should have stuck with his wife and child! Instead of running off with that boy. Gods. And the way he made Terrence drop everything in his life too—”
“Yeah but think what he’s feeling— he’s lost a family once, he must be terrified of losing it again.”
“Oh he’s such a coward! Running off to have his adventure because he’s scared of what his past meant, running away whenever things start to intimidate him!”
“It’s not just some adventure, what if they were unhappy about what their life was? What if they felt so hopeless the only thing they could do was to run?”
“They weren’t hopeless, they were so far from hopeless! Anthony could have had a happy home— he could have had a family! And Terrence, Terrence had everything set up, a career, a community, a future, and how could he have just thrown that all away?”
“Yeah but he’s gay! He’s trying to be true to himself!”
Remus blinked, “He’s gay? I didn’t think he was?”
“Remus!” Sirius keened, caught between a squeak and a laugh, “He’s literally running away with a boy.”
“Though he clearly liked women too?”
“Where did it say that?”
“Well where did it say he was gay? Anthony adores his wife!”
“If he does then why would he be running away?”
“Exactly! He’s a coward!”
“That’s just what you see!”
“And Terrence too. This whole thing of ruining your life but it’s okay and it’s romantic because it’s for love, it’s just— I don’t understand why anyone would think that’s worth it. And for Godric’s sake, it’s another person you’re giving up everything for. It makes no sense. Who in their right mind—”
“How d’you know it makes no sense for someone else? I mean just look at James with Lily, he’d clearly do anything for her, and it doesn’t always mean you have to ruin your life, Merlin.”
Remus shook his head slowly, “No you’re right. I still just don’t understand. Not James either.”
“Well then don’t say it like it’s something universal if it’s only you who don’t get it!”
Remus’ face did a funny twist. Then he let out a huff of air, and turned to Sirius who instantly grinned at him. Remus shook his head again and laughed.
“Ugh. I want to read something else.”
“Yeah alright.” Sirius flopped onto his back, “have you got the Muggle philosophy books? Nietzsche maybe?”
“He’s a bit weird about women and all.”
“Moony he’s weird about everything. I think he’s funny, and anyway we can make fun of him and laugh at how he’s wrong.”
Remus chuckled, pushing off the side of the bed towards their bookshelves, “As you wish.”
-
“Do you want to kiss me?” Sirius suddenly said, some time later. The two of them were still curled around a book in Remus’ bed, close and warm and comfortable under the duvet.
And Remus looked like he wanted to laugh, “Not particularly, why?”
“Oh.” Sirius said, and then started to grin. “Well, good. Me neither.”
And Sirius felt a weight in his chest evaporate into thin air. It was so easy. It was as simple as that.
“Okay, how about this. The beaters flank the three chasers, spiral around them— and the chasers can— do their own spiral across the field to dock and misdirect— and there’ll be like a spiral around a spiral, it’ll be like the moons around the planets around the sun—”
“James,” Sirius groaned, barely listening, “can’t you at least wait till you’re captain of the team?”
They were on their way from Transfiguration to Charms. Remus and Peter walked ahead, talking animatedly about plants or books or animals or whatever, and James beside him was deep in his impossible Quidditch fantasies. A group of girls walked past them, faux-discreetly throwing eyes at Sirius, and giggled amongst themselves when Sirius grinned and winked at them. He recognised the girl huddled in the centre of the group with the yellow butterfly hairslide. The next Hogsmeade weekend is coming up, he might as well ask one of them out.
Sirius didn’t know exactly when it became his defining reputation, but by fourth year he was definedly known as the bachelor of Gryffindor tower, ladies’ man, heartbreaker, whatever. James found it hilarious, Peter was probably a bit jealous, and Remus, well, Remus looked upon it as he looked upon most of the stupid things they did, with an eyeroll and a sarcastic jibe, familiar and annoying and strangely endearing like bread crumbs in the butter tub.
—
Sirius was beginning to suspect that Remus was more than long-sufferingly nonchalant about Sirius’ chain of girlfriends that came and went from beside him at the Gryffindor table.
“So Sirius, what are you doing this evening?” Anne asked cloyingly, leaning towards him, chin on a hand.
“Oh, nothing much,” Sirius said in his designated flirting voice, “what about you, baby bear?”
Remus faked choking on water from across. Good thing Anne didn’t notice with her eyes fixed on Sirius. He threw Remus a look, which caused him to snort and started coughing in earnest.
“Oh, what a coincidence, I’m not doing anything either.” The girl smiled, batted her lashes, “want to go venturing after dark?”
“Sounds amazing. I know quite a few hidden spots… want me to show you around?”
“But Sirius,” Remus interjected, sounding deliberately casual, “thought you said the four of us were going to look through the new Quidditch monthly tonight?”
Which was a ridiculous thing for him to suggest, because “Remus, you don’t even care about Quidditch.”
Remus narrowed his eyes, and tightened his lips just so.
“Ooh, do you guys do that every month?”
“Mhm. Quite the event, it usually is.” Remus said, polite and flat and bitingly.
“That’s so sweet of you. Sirius, what a good friend you are.”
“Course he is.” Remus pushed away his half-eaten plate and stood up, turning to Sirius with a hard look, “I need to go get something from the tower before heading to the library. Have a good evening, you two.”
“Yeh. Of course, mate. Catch you in a bit.”
“Bye, Remus!”
Staring at Remus’ retreating back, Sirius bit his cheeks and wondered. It’s been a while since he’s noticed the way Remus was shifty, restless, more flammable than usual around the girls. So perhaps…
“Hey, Anne, I’ve just remembered I needed to get something. Wanna just meet later outside the tower?”
-
“You’re jealous.”
“What the fuck are you on about?”
“You know what I’m on about.”
Remus didn’t go to the library. Of course he didn’t. Sirius found him tucked into bed aggressively flicking through the Quidditch ‘zine that arrived that morning— which he understood none of, obviously.
Remus scoffed, “You think I want a string of girls to fawn over me and fake interest in?”
“No!” Sirius laughed, “you’re jealous of them.”
“You are a preposterous piece of shit.”
“I’m right, aren’t I.”
Remus glared at him, before finally relenting. “Fine,” he said shortly.
Sirius grinned.
“I wouldn’t call it jealous.”
“Then what are you?”
“Just annoyed.”
“Why?”
“Why what? Why wouldn’t I be annoyed. You’re spending so little time with us.”
“With you.”
“Huh?”
“You meant I’m spending less time with you.”
Remus huffed, rolled his eyes. “Fine. With me. I miss you, ‘kay?” he admitted. And he would have been embarrassed of the admission had Sirius not immediately beamed at him. Remus smiled back carefully, and Sirius felt his heart do a little jump.
“But Moony! You know I’m not going anywhere! You’re stuck with me—” he tackled them both onto his bed, pushing down Remus’ skinny shoulders before starting to madly tickle his sides, “forever—”
Remus laughed breathlessly as he tried to shove him off, “yeah alright, alright! Gerroff me now!”
-
However, all that was forgotten the moment Peter and James barged in the door, breathless with laughter, shouting “Mate, you won’t believe what we did to Filch just now!”
“Is that why you missed dinner?” Remus muttered, “you tossers.”
“Oh no, it was so worth missing dinner for.”
“I don’t know, Prongs. Aren’t you hungry? I’m hungry.” Peter’s stomach grumbled on cue. He looked at them hopefully, “haven’t got any food, have you?”
Sirius shook his head, but Remus smirked, producing two wraps from his bag.
James cheered, “Oh Moony, you’re the best!”
“Now let’s see… what should I demand for this?”
“Name your price!”
“Hmm. What about the astronomy charts for a week?”
Peter snorted, “as if you’ve ever done yours.”
“Sure I did. In first year.”
-
Time disappeared in stretches of hours when it was just the Marauders bundled together in a room. Therefore, it was nearly two hours later that Remus suddenly sat up and kicked Sirius in the shin.
“Ow! What!”
“Sirius, didn’t you promise Anne to meet tonight?”
Oh.
“Who’s Anne now?” Peter asked, head hanging off the side of his bed, on which James was standing eulogising the greatness of the Czech national team.
“Sirius’ girlfriend?”
“Awh.” James paused in his act, jumped down from the bed, “have you got to go now?”
“Yeah… probably.” He glanced towards Remus, who was giving him an unreadable look. He remembered their conversation just earlier. “But… it’s already so late. She’s probably already gone.” Sirius shrugged.
“Huh. Alright then. No harm done, yeah?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
-
“I waited for you outside the Gryffindor dorm for so long. What do you take me for? A fucking doll at your beck and call?”
Sirius looked skywards. Only to be met with centuries-old wooden beams and vaulted ceilings. He had a sudden bizarre vision of the sons of Gryffindor himself walking these halls bracing themselves through petty teenage affairs.
“Are you even listening to me?”
Sirius winced. “Sorry Anne—”
“Oh, you are a right bastard aren’t you? Good day, Black, hope you have fun with whatever you did before me.” She spat, before she spun on her heels and marched away.
Sirius sighed. He probably deserved that. Oh well. All this was only fun till they started wanting to be around all the time, anyway.
—
“You don’t always need a girl by your side, you know?”
“What you do mean,” Sirius gasped, faux scandalised, “course I do, I’ve a reputation to uphold!”
“Hey, I’m serious.”
“No, I’m Sirius.”
Remus ignored him. “You shouldn’t be dating because you feel like it’s something you need to do.”
“Moons, that’s ridiculous. What even gave you that idea?”
—
Sirius felt all the butterbeer bouncing in this veins, and his grin was jaw-achingly wide as he watched James, two ridiculous pointy hats on his head, trying to drag every passer-by into the party that was growing louder and more crowded by the minute. Not even another rejection by Lily Evans could deter his birthday spirits.
However, Sirius was far from as robust a soul. He was just as second too slow ducking behind the record player, and Zoe had caught him by the wrist.
“Now where are you going? Don’t you want to hang out with me?”
“No, why don’t you leave me alone?”
“Sirius, what the fuck?”
“Merlin, it’s my best friend’s birthday, I’ve gotta be with him!”
“Why did you invite me, then, if you were going to ignore me all night long?”
“Well you wouldn’t have been happy either if I didn’t ask you to come, would you?”
The girl scoffed, “you’re not trying to blame me, are you?”
“No, of course not, I—” he ran a hand through his hair, and scanned the crowd. “Hey, Remus!” he called out, then turned back to the girl, “Look, Zoe, we’ll talk later, alright?” he said, without a shred of intention to continue this conversation.
He tried to put a hand to her arm, but she shirked him off. “Suit yourself then, Black.” she muttered in a dangerous undertone, then spun on her heels and disappeared through the crowd.
It was just what he needed to turn around and see Remus approaching, looking at him disapprovingly. “What was that about?”
“Oh, nevermind. Can we go get the cake now?”
-
The Friday afternoon after James’ party, Sirius sat by the lake alone waiting for Zoe to show up. He had with him a bunch of flowers, as a half-hearted gesture of apology. The moment he saw the expression she approached him with, Sirius groaned internally. Why does this happen every time?
“Yeah. So I’ve been thinking. We should probably stop seeing each other.”
“Oh, what happened?” Sirius said disinterestedly.
Zoe narrowed her eyes at him.
“Fair enough.”
She shook her head. “I can’t believe you, Black.”
“Yeah. Whatever. See you around.”
She huffed, and left without a response. Sirius took the long way back just to walk in a different direction.
-
When he was back at the castle gates, Sirius was still holding the flower bunch. He sighed, motioning to toss it away, but stopped himself at the last second. It would be such a waste, wouldn’t it? And in any case, why didn’t he buy flowers and chocolates for his friends? The thought filled him with excitement, and he raced to the common room with newly lifted spirits, thrusting the bunch of flowers at James the moment he found him.
“Here— these are for you!”
“Mrmgph,” James said through a faceful of flowers, “the date went well then?”
Sirius snorted. The oblivious bastard. “What date?”
“The one you had just n— OH. I see, alright.”
“I don’t know what you’re seeing, James, must be a smudge on the glasses. Anyway, I got these just for you!”
“Really,” James said, amused. “What suddenly gave you the idea?” His eyes twinkled teasingly behind the glasses.
“Oh well, I just thought we should. Why don’t we buy flowers and chocolates for each other, you know?”
And there started the legendary week during which their dorm overflowed with bunches of all kinds of flowers, as Sirius and James sought to one-up each other with their loving proclamations. By spillover, everyone started finding flowers in their bags and their clothes. The unfortunate ones with an allergy cursed the living daylights out of them. Remus quietly stashed away all the chocolate that came with.
Sirius had even managed to steal a small sprig of hyacinth into Remus’ hair behind his ear without him noticing, and he’d gone around for the greater part of a day with the purple flowers tucked in his curls. The sight had made him ridiculously bubbly.
-
A week later at breakfast, Remus was, without explanation, suddenly staring intensely at him.
“What are you looking at?”
“Don’t look away.”
“Ooh, staring contest?” Peter said from beside them, between mouthfuls of food.
“Huh I see. You’re on, Moony.” Staring back into Remus’ eyes with as much concentration.
Though moments later, Remus snapped his finger, Sirius blinked, and a flower crown appeared on his head, of primroses and daisies and soft pink roses.
James laughed delightedly, “you totally had that coming, Pads.”
Remus smirked satisfiedly. Sirius tried to lift the crown off his head, but the curling strands furled right back onto his hair. Well that’s impressive.
“It won’t come off till dinner.”
“Good thing I pull it off, then.”
“Yeah, you sort of do.” Remus said, smile turning soft.
-
It was just his luck that one of the letters from his mother arrived for him in Hogsmeade, on his date, of all times and places. He couldn’t help the dark mood that followed him like a raincloud on steroids all afternoon, and try as he might, he simply couldn’t muster up the energy to pay attention to the girl beside him.
He couldn’t decide if it was a blessing or a curse that she’d clocked why.
“I could help you, Sirius.”
“Greta, no really, you don’t need to worry about it.”
“You should talk about it with someone else, shouldn’t you? And I could be there for you, just let me know what’s going on.”
“I mean, if this your idea of a good conversation topic for emotional bonding—” Greta looked affronted, “it’s not, alright? I’m not going to tell you about my family.”
“I’m only trying to be considerate! And don’t you shout about your family all time time?”
“Well yeah. But what happens between my parents and brother stays between us.”
“So it’s about your brother— are you fighting?” She creased her brows and put on a concerned voice.
“Can we, maybe not?”
“Why are you being so stubborn about this—”
“I don’t want it going around in the gossip mill, alright?” Sirius almost shouted.
Greta’s face contorted, froze in a shocked grimace. “Is that all you think of me?”
“Oh schlizers.” Sirius ran a hand over his face, “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“But you thought it?”
“No, I—”
Sirius stopped at her look. She bit her lips, expression stony and on the verge of tears as well. She glowered at him for a long moment, then began:
“I thought you wanted something with me, Sirius Black. I thought we were onto something here. And what did you think? That I came from the gossip and will be to the gossip? God I can’t believe—”
“Hey, wait a second. When did we ever say we were going to be more? It’s you who kept pushing—”
“What did you want then? Snogging at the back of greenhouses and tossing the girl out once you get bored? Should you have wanted us to sign a contract on it to say I was okay with it?”
“Look, I don’t know where you’re dragging in all that from—”
“Black. No, I’m not going to stand this. If you could take one moment to try and be less selfish—”
-
The thought stuck grimy in his mind long after Sirius had stormed off. But he wasn’t selfish, inconsiderate, was he? He wasn’t a bad person and friend, was he? As though to prove himself a point, he took a long detour all the way to the kitchens to pick up a chocolate fudge cake, a lemon meringue pie and a whole basket of overbaked naans.
—
“Sirius Black!”
Sirius sighed, paused in his steps, and turned around down the corridor. “What is it?”
“I need to talk to you, now.”
“Yeah, sorry Kat, not now, alright?”
“Yeah well. You’ve been saying that for a week.”
“I am genuinely sorry. Look I just, I’ve got somewhere to be right now.” It was the full moon that night, and the Marauders stuck around Moony, doing whatever they could, before and after the moon every month. It was unnegotiable. They’d figured out what their animagus forms were going to be just after new year’s, and he couldn’t wait until they were finally able to actually accompany him.
Kat was still glaring at him. “Tomorrow then.”
“Yeah, can’t do that either.”
“Why?”
“Can’t really tell you.”
“I just want to talk to you, what’s so hard about making time.”
Sirius was starting to get annoyed. “Look, if you want something else, why don’t you go find someone else?”
-
The moment Sirius made it through their door, Remus’ head snapped to him, “what’s up with you now?”
“Nothing! Kitchen mission has been successful—”
“No, no.” Remus pointed a finger at him, “you reek of psychological distress.”
“Oh right. Fine.” Sirius never ceased to be absolutely awestruck by the wolf peeking through, “Well, um. Another one down.”
Remus snorted. “Not again, you.”
“Unfortunately, yeah.”
“What’s it this time?”
“She thinks I didn’t care about her feelings.”
“Classic. Don’t it make you wonder if it just might be true?”
“What can I say? Everybody’s looking for sympathy but nobody’s ready to give them,” Sirius intoned dramatically, “I just want love, Moony! Is that too much to ask for?”
“I told you to stop stealing James’ crappy romance novels.”
“Hey— I most certainly did not—”
—
“Do you want to have sex?” Elena asked him under her breath, the two of them having broken apart for air behind one of hidden alcoves.
“Why, do you?” Sirius asked, a little startled and trying not to show it.
“Yeah. You’re so handsome.”
“Oh I know love,” Sirius smirked, and tried to distract them by pulling her back into the kiss.
But she caught his hands, “And so gentlemanly too. You never asked for more, never pushed us to do anything else. But here—” she left his hands at his side, and started reaching for the buttons of her blouse.
Sirius was stunned. He didn’t know what to say or do. Having taken his widened eyes as a sign of encouragement. She continued undoing the buttons until the shirt was hanging open between them. She wore only a thin cotton bra underneath. He could see the shape of her nipples.
“Do you want to—” Elena took both his hands in hers, and drew them to her chest.
Sirius had completely frozen, even when she placed her hands over his and squeezed a little. Her flesh was too warm, too full under his hands, even through the material. Some deep-seated voice in his mind told him that he was feeling full-bodiedly uncomfortable.
“Or do you… just not want to.” Elena said questioningly.
“I—” Sirius tried to push past the tightness in his throat.
Looking at him for a couple more long moments, her eyes widened a little, as she appeared to clock something in her head. “Hmm.”
She let his hands fall, and started doing the buttons of her shirt back up again.
And finally having found his voice, Sirius felt such a devastating wave of embarrassment wash over him. Godric, what was wrong with him? What in hell possessed him to freeze up? “I’m sorry, I just—”
“Oh, Sirius, dear, don’t worry.”
“I don’t know why—”
“Really, it’s okay!” She smiled to reassure him. It looked genuine.
“Do you want to kiss again?”
“Nah, we’re alright.” she took his hands in hers and squeezed. “I did think you seemed to be more interested in the sneaking around than the snogging, in general, anyway.”
“What do you mean?” Sirius muttered.
She shrugged, lips twitching with a smile.
As they fell quiet. Sirius frowned and looked away.
“I think,” he said after a few moments, “maybe we should, um.”
“Break up?”
Sirius turned to face her, realising that she’d been looking at him carefully this whole while. “Sure.”
“Or did you think there’s nothing to break up if we weren’t really in a relationship in the first place?”
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. I just meant we’ll— stop doing, this. Sorry.”
“Oh no, don’t worry. I’ll just have to go after some other fish. Tianze seems like a bright boy, good looking too, no?”
“Oh yeah,” Sirius nodded enthusiastically. “Great bone structure, killer of a jawline. Good height as well.”
She smiled at him mysteriously.
“What?”
“You’re so lovely, Sirius.” She pecked him lightly on the cheeks, “whoever you find will be so lucky to have you.”
-
All the way back to the Gryffindor tower, Sirius couldn’t shake off the overwhelming wrongness he felt under his own skin. He replayed again and again the few moments, wondering, wondering what the hell was broken inside him. What did it mean, what was he going to do.
When he threw open the dorm door to the three boys playing gobstone on the floor in their pyjamas, they all looked up at him in surprise.
“Sirius! I thought you were hanging out with that Ravenclaw girl.”
Remus rolled his eyes, “Elena’s got a name, Prongs.”
“Which one is she again?” Peter said distractedly, “long white hair, brown eyes?”
“I think so. Really smart too.”
“Oh yeah.”
“Anyway, Pads, what happened?”
“Nothing!” He shrugged, flopping onto the floor and upsetting the game, “thought it’s a Marauders night tonight— let’s go do something.”
“Can we get food? I’m famished.”
“We could sneak into the kitchens and make pancakes!”
“Oh Merlin, yes! Wait, I’ve got a recipe somewhere too!”
Sirius grinned. He knew his friends would help take things off his mind. “Brilliant— let’s go now!”
-
Midnight found Sirius laughing his stomach into stitches as they made a riot of the kitchens, covering every surface with flour. Remus was purposefully dribbling the batter all over the place, making a horrific mess of the pancakes on the stove, which was sending Peter into an absolute frenzy because “REMUS that’s my MOTHER’s recipe!” and “can’t you make them circular?”
“Pete, it’s pancakes, they’re supposed to be fucked up! And hey— we’ll clean it up when we leave, don’t you worry about the house elves!”
The whole thing was sending Sirius into fits of laughter, for no apparent reason. His hands shook as he continued trying to make his pancake the shape of a penis.
Remus looked over and shook his head, “you are so fucking dumb.”
And then James hit him on the back of the head with a ball of cookie dough, causing them to descend into absolute chaos, until all four were covered with mysterious mixtures from head to toe. As they lunged and grabbed at each other to make even more of a mess, Sirius wondered why he would ever want for anyone else.
a short series of asexual sirius & aroace remus. fluff packet with attempt at plot. the story starts at spring of third year. pls pls lmk if you think something isn’t right.
As clichéd a characterisation as this might sound, it shall not be denied that Sirius Black was a social being. Sirius wasn’t like Remus, who honest to Merlin did not give a royal fuck about ‘other people’. And to Sirius, it was as admirable as unfathomable.
No, because Sirius instinctively reached for other people, flourished in their company. He bathed in the warmth of companionship and held them as close as they would let him— or as close as he could let himself. Blame it on his affection-less upbringing or what you will, he was constantly seeking, probing; looking for attention, reaction; standing out, acting out, not that there’s any acting involved.
Because damn it, he drank in the way he could build a reputation, win a crowd, intuit all the tiny ways to interact with another. He thrived in other people.
So it is with surprised glee that Sirius welcomed when that pretty fifth year girl— Amelia, her name was— marched up to him in the common room and demanded a date with him, on his first ever Hogsmeade weekend. (He got Orion to sign his permission slip, when he’d been just more than slightly on the side of inebriated, since Walburga clearly would never have.) They’d quickly agreed to meet for lunch in the village, and he pressed himself to play it cool, matching flirt for flirt, wink for wink.
When she smiled one last time and turned away with a flourish, Sirius looked back to see all three of his friends staring at him.
James and Peter were gaping like a fish, and Remus was giving him a funny little look, lips pressed together like he was holding in a laugh.
He opened his mouth to ask Remus what he’s on about, but James beat him to it.
“Mate!”
“I can’t just believe that just happened!” Peter joined him.
“You just got asked out!”
“I mean, of course Sirius was going to be the first to fall out of us.”
“Moony, what do you mean fall? This is brilliant! We’ve got to get you all set up— what do you think you should bring?”
“You could buy her flowers? Or maybe chocolate?”
“On the first date? Seems a bit much doesn’t it?”
“Hmm. But you still could. Get something from Honeydukes on the way, it’s perfect.”
“Oh yea. I could do that.”
“I still can’t believe that just happened.” Peter shook his head, “how did you get so lucky?”
“This is historic,” James said with finality, “we need to do something tonight to celebrate. To commemorate.”
“You’re so dumb. All of you.”
-
When the Hogsmeade day arrived, however, the boys, Sirius included, were all too excited for their own adventures around the village to leave much thoughts for Sirius’ event. They spent the morning roaming the cobbled streets under warm sunshine, stuffing themselves with candies and chocolates, contemplating buying out at least half of Zonko’s.
Around noon, Remus said suddenly, “Haven’t you got to go, Sirius?”
“What? What do you mean?” Sirius creased his brows, puzzled.
“Your date with Amelia?”
“Oh! Right yeh. I have that.”
Peter gasped, turning around abruptly and grabbing Sirius’ arm. “You’ve got to hurry! Can’t be late— or maybe you can. Maybe you should try to be exactly three minutes late.”
“Oh my gosh. I can’t believe we almost forgot!”
“What do you mean we, James, it’s Sirius’ date.”
“Romantic affair of the brother is an affair of the family.” He moved forward to straighten Sirius’ robes, “we’ve got some chocolate, haven’t we? Moony?”
“Nu-uh. No way I’m handing over.” Remus shook his head vigorously, then grabbed a bunch of marigolds from the side of the path. “Here, just take these.”
“Aren’t these actually poisonous?” Peter grimaced.
“Oh they’ll be fine,” Remus rolled his eyes, but tore a side from the chocolates’ paper bag to wrap around the bright yellow bunch, “here.”
“Thanks,” Sirius said. He took out the bunch of Zonko trinkets from his pocket to look for a hairband, to tie the flower bunch at the roots.
“Oh!” James lunged at him, “Give those here! You can’t bring dungbombs to a date!”
Sirius protested as James moved to empty the contents of his pockets. “Merlin! Stop fussing, you’re such a mum!” he laughed.
“Also, we’re walking you there.” Peter said firmly, James nodded.
“Can’t let a brother walk alone into battle.”
“You guys are so ridiculous. Remus, Help me out?”
Remus, who Sirius had the feeling was finding this whole thing very funny indeed, tilted his head just so and looked at him all faux solemnly. “Oh, you know, what they said.”
Sirius groaned. “You three are the worst.”
And he was not at all surprised to see three identical shit-eating grins glowing back at him.
-
“Got yourself an entourage?” Amelia said, smiling as she pushed from the wall outside Madam Puddifoot’s.
“Oh, yeah,” Sirius chuckled, amazed to find himself actually nervous, “Just my friends, don’t worry about them. They’re a bunch of idiots.”
It then occurred to him that this sounded rather like something Remus would say.
He made a face towards them, praying that they’d now go away and leave him alone. Leave they did, though not without excessive thumbs up and exaggerated winks.
Amelia chuckled. “They’re cute.”
“Yeah sure.” Sirius sighed exasperatedly.
“Well, let’s go in then.”
“After you.”
-
The date was alright. They ordered food and talked. And the conversation was interesting enough that Sirius could forget about the density of frills that looked like they were out to choke him. But anyway, he liked to think they hit it off rather well. Sirius told anecdotes about his family and those stupid pureblood circles, which often seemed to be a crowd favourite. When he mentioned Remus and his David Bowie obsession, she’d lit up, and went on such a splurge about muggle music and bands and playing the guitar. He could just imagine Remus finding her insanely cool.
As their empty plates got cleared and they were sipping away on (awfully sweet) vanilla tea, Amelia lowered her chin, and looked at him meaningfully through her lashes. And Sirius realised what was about to happen.
She leaned forward, and gave him a peck on the lips— just a peck. Drawing back, she laughed at his slightly stunned kind of smile, then reached forward again, this time with both hands cupping his neck and cheek, and kissed him full on the mouth.
The kiss itself was neither here nor there. But Sirius felt excited nonetheless. He’d kissed a girl. Wow.
Okay.
He probably should figure out how to properly return a kiss, but Amelia didn’t seem too bothered. As she finally drew back, she smiled so brightly at him, which he could only return.
They left Madam Puddifoot’s shortly after that. And she chuckled when Sirius held open the door for her.
“Does this mean you want to be my girlfriend now?” Sirius asked suddenly, a bit worried.
Amelia laughed again. She was cool like that. Though it did get on Sirius’ nerves a bit.
“No, not really. I just wanted to get to know you. I really like you, Sirius, but nah. Doesn’t have to mean I want to be your girlfriend.”
“Oh good. I mean—” He internally gave himself a smack, “yeah, alright. That’s fine.”
“Yeah. Well, thank you for the date, Sirius. We should go out again some day. See you around?”
“Oh yeah, sounds good. And no problem— see you.”
-
Sirius caught up with the boys as they were strolling leisurely back up towards the castle, the late afternoon sun goldening their skin.
“Sirius! There you are!”
“How was the date!”
Sirius shrugged, “Good.”
“What did you guys do?”
“Normal date stuff. We ate and talked a lot.” He said, feeling particularly powerful as he scanned his friends’ eager faces, “We had vanilla tea.”
Remus grimaced right on cue. Sirius grinned to himself. Remus hated vanilla.
“Oh also, she kissed me.”
“Oh my god!” James shouted and Peter gasped loudly, right in the middle of the street, “no way! Pads! What the hell! How was it?”
“A bit wet,” he said dismissively, thoroughly enjoying his friends’ antics.
“Well that sounds just delightful.” Remus said, with a smile that betrayed his wording and tone. What a classic Remus.
“But it was still good.” Sirius said quickly.
“I reckon you’ll just get better at it, though.”
“For sure, I’ll be the best.”
“Ah. My man. Can’t believe you get to have all the practice now.”
“We’re never going to catch up.”
“When the time comes, will you teach me a few tricks for Evans?”
“James. Ew.”
-
Sirius went out with Amelia again a couple of times, and they snogged a bit at the end every time. Sirius thought it was rather neat, as he got to know his way around all those usual dating spots, and he was soon feeling rather versed in the ins and outs of going on dates. He, as James said, did also get to practise the whole kissing thing as well. Amelia was obviously quite good at it, but Sirius thought he must be getting better. And in any case, he didn’t think Amelia minded, the way she smiled at him, flushed and breathless every time.
However, he still kept wondering why she’d ask him out in the first place, and every time he asked, she’d laugh and shake her head.
“Come on, Sirius, I’ve told you. It’s just ‘cause I liked you, that’s all.”
“…And how did you even decide that? Do you just look around the hall at boys and decide you like them?”
“Sure,” She shrugged, sounding a little puzzled, “don’t everyone?”
-
After that, Sirius started looking. For the signs. And sure enough, he’s caught at least a couple of girls ‘making eyes’ at him. Apparently, his name was running hot through the lines of gossip, ever since the word had spread that he was going out with a fifth year.
Sirius felt a little thrill run through him at the thought. He could play this game alright.
Holding the closed envelope in his hand, Remus felt as though he’d carved his heart out from his chest and painted his entire sleeve red. Gods it wasn’t like him, he thought, to write a letter like this. He’d been so recklessly, almost cruelly honest. He had to end it in a hurry as well, before all the certainty slipped from his mind. The air was heating up rapidly after the morning passed, sweat started to gather on his forehead. He shoved the letter into the post, lest the jittering in his chest made him pull back and tear it up.
—
Sirius,
I hope you’re doing well. James sent me a letter earlier this This is not a letter to offer you forgiveness. Though that’s a complicated business, as I’m sure you understand. Yet, part of me feels I still could tell you about a few things on my mind.
James sent me a letter earlier this week. A tiny note, not much else beyond the haphazard announcement that you’ve run away from home. He told me I didn’t need to reply right away, that I should feel free to take as much time as I needed. But since I’ve been having all the time in the world at home, I have been obsessing my way through these thoughts. Here’s to share some of them, until I visit.
Before anything else, Sirius, I know you. Thus, I feel as though I could see exactly which string pulled in your head, and which string didn’t jump to react, that led to you doing what you did. This goes for both your running away and what you did before the end of school. I don’t know if I should be the one to pronounce judgements but— what happened and what you did to me was beyond rash and stupid (it goes without saying), but does not make you an evil person.
I could see how sorry you’ve been, despite not having approached me at all (which I appreciate, so thank you). I could tell how you’ve been beating yourself up, how you’ve locked yourself in your head this month at Grimmauld— ready to react, to lash out, to prove.
So now tell me, if I’m so wrong in assuming, whatever happened that led to your running away, was at least in part because of me?
I know the Potters must be trying their best to take care of you. And I’m sorry thatI.regret that don’t want to add to your agitation, so I thought it’s best that I wait before going to see you. Because Padfoot, I feel I shouldn’t forgive you so easily. Nor should I, out of respect for myself, offer forgiveness because I know how bad you’re feeling, or for I know what you did because of me. In the close possible world of having actually made a murderer out of me, I would surely never forgive you nor myself.
Though I have a confession to make. This is something which, for once, I doubt that you know.
It is perhaps a lie to say that I could have killed Severus that night. It would not have happened as you imagined, if James hadn’t arrived in time. Because you see, James didn’t arrive in time. There were a couple of seconds when Snape, screaming, got a good look at me, long enough for any other wolf to have taken a lunge at him. But even as I snarled and bared my teeth, I was in my own mind. I found myself able to hold my head in the wolf’s, in the presence of another— hostile— human being, even without any of you around.
It is this realisation that has accompanied every other dreadful feeling passing through my head since. It occurred to me that in the wake of the whole business with Snape, perhaps I should be feeling more ashamed of what I am than ever. But I was not. Am not. Does this surprise you? It was you who taught me this. Since you— all of you— started running with me. You made me see this horrible thing could have its glimpse of something beautiful, of happiness.
As I am writing, I draw up the vivid memory of a full moon, in my own eyes, albeit through the wolf. The three of you would be close behind me, and all the grounds would be sizzling with moonlight and magic.
Anyway.
I think about facing Snape again, and I feel a strange kind of honesty. To myself. I feel defiant— rather than ashamed— about looking Snape in the eyes again. Why wouldn’t I? I’ve been hiding but, I only hope that someday I’ll have nothing more to hide. Let the moon shine on all the broken pieces.
And that leads me to the second thing I wanted to say to you. Sirius, all our lives we’ve been made to feel in pain, having been broken, irrevocably lost something that makes one whole, normal. That we’re missing something crucial in our perspective that means we’ll never see ourselves and the world in the same way as them. But Sirius, love, we’ve come through. And standing on the other side, we can see better.
It’s a gift, that we should see the world differently from them, that we are able to. Magic is a gift. Loving you is a gift. And I can see it now, the wolf is a gift.
There’s pain. But that means it’s real— it’s because of the pain that it’s real. I think of the others, drifting through life without a glitch, without an ounce of wonder at what’s in the grey underside of fluffy white clouds. Think of Peter. His shelters. Those are all that he has. For his whole life all he’s known are shelters, and he’d grow up only anxious to find more shelters. But we stand beyond it, don’t we? We can run free and wild, if only we could pry off the shackles in our head. And beyond anything else, this is the one thought I’ve been having since everything. Do you see what I mean?
Ma is calling me to breakfast, I’m afraid I’ll have to end the letter here. I hope I’ll see you soon, I want to know what you have to say to me. And I hope you see now forgiveness is a strange thing I don’t yet know what to do with. I hope we figure it out.
so much fluff coming your way. spoiler alert: EVERYONE lives
who said he never lived past forty?
March 10th, 2000.
“Oh come on you old thing—” Harry muttered at the ancient bike squeaking its way up the hill— why did they have to live on a hill? At least, Harry thought, the weather was nice. It was a glorious March day, the sun finally starting to grace England amidst the spring buds just about to bloom.
Panting as he jumped off the bike at the front porch, Harry wasted no time in starting to pound their front door, “Sirius! Sirius get out of here— if we don’t go get the cake by noon we’ll have to put Fred and George on Teddy duty and they’ve threatened to feed him the—”
The door opened with Remus looking exasperatedly bemused.
Harry gaped at him with one fist still raised in the air, “Remus! Ugh— hi!” he said intelligently, “aren’t you— supposed to be at Hogwarts? It’s a Friday.”
“For sure, I was just about to floo up. Harry, is everything alright?”
Darn it, Harry thought, Remus had been back living with Sirius ever since Teddy was born. It’s been two bloody years, how could he have forgotten? “Um, yeah. Everything’s great.”
“Did I hear something about Teddy and a cake?”
“No! Nothing of the sort.” Harry tried an oblivious look, which only turned into a shit-eating kind of grin at Remus’ raised eyebrow.
“Hmm. Try to keep your dad and Sirius in check, won’t you? Merlin forbid they strain themselves at this age.”
“Hey, I heard that—” Sirius called groggily from inside the house.
Remus sighed, fond and exasperated (in Harry’s memory Remus constantly seemed to be exasperated), and said “Do you want to come in?” and when Harry moved forward, unblocking the bike from Remus’ view, “Harry, is that— that bike on the ground used to belong to my mother!” he said laughingly.
“No offence to Nana Hope but Remus, that bike is now a pile of junk.”
-
“A very good morning to you, Prongslet,” Sirius’ hand, even after so many years, magnetically veered towards ruffling Harry’s hair in greeting.
“Ay stop it.” Harry half heartedly tried batting his hand away, “is Teddy still sleeping?”
“Mhm. I’ll just check on him before I go.” Remus said, making his way towards the stairs.
“Sirius—” Harry started whispering aggressively, the moment Remus moved out of earshot, “we’re on cake duty, turns out Nana Hope’s train got cancelled— fucking British trains— now Mum has to go pick her up, so we’ll also have to find someone to babysit Teddy, because no, the twins are not an option—”
“We could leave him with Molly?”
“No! This is Teddy, Molly can’t keep up!” Harry followed Sirius as he walked through to the kitchen, flicking on kettles and hobs, taking his wand out of his hair (let it be said that this never got old) to send breakfast ingredients flying across the air. He added a single sugar to a hot cup of tea, and sent the mug sailing out to find Remus.
“Eggs, Harry?”
“Oh yes, and have you got one of those blueberry muffins— oh hell yeah! Cheers, Sirius.”
“Anything for you, pup. Now what about Ginny, shouldn’t she be free?”
“Godric’s sake, Sirius. You were the one who kept telling me about having to stop Dad from throwing me around like a quaffle. We don’t trust toddlers with professional chasers.”
Sirius laughed, “You’re right, you’re right. Well, Ron and Hermione?”
“Have you even been paying attention? Ron and Hermione are setting up the—”
Remus appeared at the kitchen door, and smiled, indulgently suspicious, eyes narrowed just, at the way Harry had abruptly cut himself off. Sirius, completely unfazed, chuckled to himself.
“Thank you for the tea, love,” Remus said, setting his mug down on the counter.
Sirius immediately made his way across, and they shared a short kiss. “You’re heading off?”
“Yeah.”
“Well go on,” they share a honey-wine kind of smile, mellowed by three decades of life together, “go blow some children away.”
“I’ll see you both tonight? At Lily and James’?” Remus said on the threshold of the fireplace.
Harry turned to Sirius. They shared an identical grin.
“Hey Remus,” Harry called out. Remus raised a single eyebrow. “Happy birthday.”
Remus breathed a laugh like he’s finally heard the stone he’d been waiting to drop. “Thank you Harry. But I’ll have you know, these two words have somehow filled me with so much fear.” he said, before stepping away into the green flames.
-
As Remus sat down at the head table next to Regulus, he pushed towards him a book-shaped package, neatly wrapped in parchment.
“Happy birthday, old man.” Regulus said between sips of tea, eyes not leaving the Prophet page.
“Regulus— thank you.” Remus said heartily, “What book is it this year?”
“A niche thing about pseudo-reactive potions in identifying dark artefacts. I think you’ll appreciate it.”
Remus laughed, “One of these days you’ll quit trying to get me into potions.”
“One of these days you’ll quit pretending you don’t enjoy them.”
“Oh, it’s a day for baring our hearts, is it?”
“If there ever was one.”
“You know, Reg. You might need to admit how much thought you’ve put into the gift, and I’ll admit how much I appreciate it.”
Regulus chuckled, “Keep talking and you’ll sound like Dumbledore.”
Remus shook his head, “Could I ever.”
As they spent breakfast in each other’s comfortable companionship, familiar sharp banter, Remus allowed himself just one moment of sentimentally feeling his age. His eyes scanned the hall-full of children and marvelled. Seven years he’s been here now. He’d watched most of his friends’ children grow into brilliant young people, been witness to all the wonderful little moments of their growth, and not just through their letters on parchment. Inadvertently, embarrassingly, he’d been right there for Harry’s first detention, first crush, first break-up; picked up on too many quarrels between Ron and Hermione or the Weasley siblings; laughed his way through every time one of them slipped up during a practical lesson and called him Moony or Remus. (He always thought those occasions were more of an embarrassment for the children than himself, though Regulus thought otherwise. He heard about how he went livid the time Harry slipped up and called him Uncle Reg.)
Now, every child in the seats below Remus had known since they were eleven— the thought filled him with inexplicable warmth. This, this was worth all of it. It was worth every day of wrestling with teenagers, worth the grey lining his hair. Really, he couldn’t believe his luck. His younger self— sitting in this same hall at a much darker time— would never have fathomed being this happy, being loved and accepted in this big a place as Hogwarts, despite his lycanthropy. Would he have imagined even living to see this age?
“You know,” Regulus said suddenly, breaking him from his thoughts, “I overheard the Wilkins talking about certain— plans. I think you can look forward to an eventful day.”
“Oh dear,” Remus groaned, “I was hoping they’d forgotten now that the last Weasley’s gone.”
“Their influences stretch far and wide, that hoard of yours.”
“Mine? You mean ours, dear brother in law?”
“Oh please, imagine. The sole heir of the house of black, consorting with blood traitors and half-breeds.” He mocked, with a completely straight face.
Remus laughed in surprise, at Regulus’ accent deliberately turned up about five notches. The posh roundness was wearing thinner by the day, so it never failed to throw him back a decade or two hearing it again, even if their voices were now lower and rougher with age.
“So,” Remus asked, “you’ve any idea what that lot are up to?”
“I have no idea who you mean by that.”
A snort, “our one and only family, of course.”
Regulus smiled then, rare and soft. “For sure. Though no, you know I’m not lying when I tell you I don’t know what they’re up to. I just leave it up to them.”
“You don’t deny they’re up to something?”
Regulus put down his teacup, turned to look at him, “Remus. They’ve always been up to something. Every single day since they turned eleven.”
Remus came to with thunder that rolled through the forest air. It was the first crack of spring. He felt the rain soothing in his aching bones before feeling it on his skin. It was cool and welcoming for the way his body burned after a transformation.
The next thing he was aware of was being carried, steady and careful, across the grounds. Through what must have been a blanket wrapped around him, he pressed himself closer to the shoulder by his head.
He opened his eyes, and there was Sirius, stifling a yawn and watching the rain between them and the shack. The impervious charm over them both flickered in and out, Sirius struggling with the effort to wandlessly keep it up while also carrying Remus. “Fuck it,” Remus herd him mutter, and let the shield drop entirely, while trying to wrap the blanket tighter around him.
Should he be embarrassed? Of having to be carried bridal style, of getting treated like an ailing child? At a stronger moment he might have been, but in this hour of nothing but fuzzy affection, Remus thought, perhaps if he kept all his vulnerability boxed away save for one person, perhaps it could be fine.
Remus reached an arm around Sirius’ shoulder to hold himself up, watching a smile grow into the curling tracks of rain on his face as he realized Remus was awake.
“Morning Moons,” Sirius grinned down at him, soft with a dash of sheepish. “I told James and Pete to head back. Given the lovely weather.”
“Itisnice.” He breathed in deeply the cool fresh air, just a hint of wet dog. It almost cut through the exhaustion that shrouded his mind.
“Isn’t it nice being carried like a princess?”
Remus fought the urge to blush. If this was anyone but Sirius, he’d be mortified to death. “Oh yes, thank you ever so much my charming saviour,” he mumbled, then quickly added, “I can walk.”
“Hush, I will not hear of it,” Sirius said, rounded vowels mimicking Madame Pomfrey’s chiding tones. “Besides, that would ruin the pagan ritual I’m bringing you as a sacrifice for.”
Remus snorted, Sirius laughed. “What! It’s the first storm of spring!”
Blinking away the rain, Remus returned his gaze. Sirius was grinning at him, small and lopsided, water rounding his sharp chin, straight nose, and dripped from his curls which, drenched, hung in delicate strands framing his face.
There was just the two of them, alone out on the empty, on the slip of ground outside the forest. Remus in Sirius’ arms, their backs against the darkened woods and facing a sun nowhere to be found. Sirius stopped walking. All round them stretched the crisp mutter of rain, falling in pearly strings in the windless translucent air. And the whole world was the colour of Sirius’ eyes.
In a sudden rush of clarity that rang through his head like an ancient bell from miles and miles away, Remus dared not hesitate before he reached up to Sirius with both hands and brought their lips together.
Remus was immediately drunk with it, Sirius’ muffled noise of surprise melted so quickly into responding to the kiss. They couldn’t contain their smiles, stretching wide and etching rain into each other’s lips. The blanket was sliding off his shoulder, and Remus had his hands in his hair, tracing a damp brow, rubbing circles on his chin. Then Sirius was putting him down so his hands were free to cup the back of his neck, draw the blanket back around him, smooth down his shoulder, his back, holding close round his waist.
When they drew apart, it was slowly with absolute awe in their eyes. It then occurred to Remus to wonder, because what did he have to lose but what seemed like the whole world? How much dare he risk when he’d no idea what they would be? Except— he did, he did. He saw the look in Sirius’ eyes behind the damp lashes, he felt Sirius’ fingers, featherlight on his chin.
“You knew?” Sirius asked quietly, undrowned-out by the rain.
“No. Did you?”
“Course not,” a smile twitched at his lips, “now I do.”
Remus takes Sirius’ scars away from him. The ones you could see, anyway. [slight AU]
cw: scars, past injuries, implied child abuse
Sirius ran away from home at age thirteen, midsummer. The first time Remus saw him after was in a corner of the Potters’ garden.
James told him about how Sirius stumbled from the Knight Bus to their front door, clothes soaked through with rain. And blood. The only thing he had on him was his wand. He’d all but collapsed once they got him inside, sending Euphemia into a frenzy trying to heal the gashes that were all over his skin.
Remus found him in the garden, and sat down next to Sirius on the grass, just on the edge of the shade Sirius was hunched under. He must have spied Remus coming, but made no indication to acknowledge him besides burrowing his head further into his knees. Remus had never, never seen him so beaten down, so small. He tried to place a hand on his shoulder, Sirius flinched away.
“You never wore long sleeves in the summer.” Remus said.
“Mrs. Potter did say the sun wouldn’t help the scars healing.”
From his hand white knuckled around his knees, Remus could see the pink lines of recent scars reaching into the sleeves of the sweater.
“You could show me.” Remus said.
Sirius shook his head without lifting it, somehow drawing even more into himself. There was a strange ache in Remus’ chest, and he reached for Sirius’ hand with his, prying loose a thumb and curling his fingers around it. The two of them sat there silent in the long summer grass, until Sirius’ fingers loosened, and started to brush across the thin raised lines of scars on the back of Remus’ own hand.
“You could show me.” Remus said again.
And then, slowly, wordlessly, Sirius lifted his head while peering at Remus like a scared small animal.
His eyes were red, his hair a mess clinging to the frame of his forehead. And there were one, two angry-looking gashes across his face and down his cheek. It was the sort of scars Remus knew by looking would stay long after it fully healed. Sirius didn’t let go of Remus’ hand, still clutched against his knee, as he watched Remus watching him. Until eventually, he let out a watery chuckle.
“Thanks for not crying on me.” Sirius said, sniffling and forcing a smile.
Remus tugged at his arm, for Sirius to turn and face him. Remus took both Sirius’ hands in his, as he finally let his knees fall from his chest.
“May I?” Remus asked, thumbing at the loose sleeves of the sweater.
Sirius nodded, letting Remus push the sleeves up his arm, revealing the criss-cross that jarred against Sirius’ smooth pale skin. He knew Sirius was staring between his and Remus’ own exposed arms, weighing up each of their marks of torn flesh, from claws and curses.
Look at us, Remus wanted to say, what a matched set we are. But it’s not the same. An unnamed horror was growing behind his throat and he tried not to imagine a mother who’d do this to her thirteen year old son.
“Your scars don’t change who you are.” Remus said.
Sirius looked away.
“Your scars don’t change who you are. It’s what you said to me, remember?”
“But they do.” Sirius said, barely a breath, “They made me like this, my, my family—”
“They are not your family,” Remus said fiercely.
Sirius gave him one short, grateful side glance, before it broke with a breathless sob choked into a cough. “How dare they— They want me to never forget, never ever really get away from them— And I can’t. I can’t let them mark me like this—”
Remus didn’t think he’d said this to anyone else. James had grabbed him aside, eyes full terrified and full with worry, asking him to please, try and talk to him, he wouldn’t tell me anything.
“Moony, it hurt so much. And I— how could I be saying this to you when you have to go through this every month—”
“No, Sirius, stop, it’s not the same.”
“And I can’t even sleep, I keep having dreams. And I can’t tell James about it with the way he looks at me. He told me how in the end they’re family, and that meant they must still care—”
“Sirius, James got it wrong, he didn’t understand—”
Sirius shook his head. A bunch of thirteen year-olds, what did any of them understand?
“I still don’t— Remus, even Reg—”
Remus pulled him forward, held him tight.
“What if,” Sirius said against his shoulder, as if confessing a worst fear, “what if they’d really broken me, made me a monster just like them?”
Remus felt his eyes sting. He clutched Sirius even tighter by way of answer. He wished the caress of sun and soft winds could take all the scars and hurt away, but they didn’t make him feel any less helpless. It was such a bright day, with only plums of clouds crowding the edge of the open, too-bright sky. Somewhere, the pale arc of a moon hung drowned out by all the light. Remus could feel Sirius’ shoulders shaking in his arms, hurting. Let me, he thought, let me carry it instead, but there was nothing, nothing Remus could do to ease any of his pain.
Though perhaps. There was perhaps something.
Remus softly drew back, hands sliding down Sirius’ arm, drawing his attention with the deliberate motion. He could feel the swirling in his chest, a burning urge to heal, to ease, to take away the hurt— and felt it focus in the magic between his fingers. Quietly he reached out, traced with a thumb over a still-healing mark that began on the inside of Sirius’ wrist. And following the warm trail of his finger, the scar sizzled, dissolved away.
Sirius’ eyes widened, “how did you— even Effie couldn’t—”
Then it reappeared, tracing its way up along Remus’ arm. His brows tightened a little at the prickle of pain that accompanied the scar, now looking silvery and aged, etching into his skin.
“No— no!” Sirius gasped, “What are you doing?”
“They can’t mark you. They don’t get to, Sirius. I could carry this for you”, he said. Because they were young, young enough to care for each other with a kind of bottomless, unabashed sincerity. But old enough to see that their friendship with each other was the purest thing they had in their life, to really mean it when they said ‘I’d do anything for you’. To Remus at thirteen, this all made perfect sense.
“It doesn’t matter. The scars don’t matter at all.” Remus said, bolder now. He traced another scar, relocating it from Sirius to him. His own arm barely looked any different, there were already so many lines on his skin.
“Remus,stop.”
“You said my scars don’t change me, or how you see me.”
“No, of course not, but—”
“But it changes how you see yourself.”
Sirius fell silent. He looked at Remus pleadingly without quite knowing what he was pleading for.
“I— Remus, that doesn’t mean you should take my scars—”
“Shh. I need to concentrate for this one. Don’t move.” Remus said, as his hands moved up to cup Sirius’ chin.
Tears started gathering again in Sirius’ eyes, though he didn’t move to stop Remus, “Why are you doing this? Why?”
Because they were thirteen, and didn’t know that lines on the body didn’t matter. Or they didn’t know how much they mattered.
“Sirius, listen,” With a thumb, Remus wiped away the tear just slipping out, and started tracing the scar that began just under the eye, “When you met a boy covered with scars, you tried to help him though everyone else would have thought him a monster. You gave him friendship and kindness and love and it’s so much more than he deserved—”
“—No, Remus you—”
“Shh. It’s fine. You don’t have to say all that.” He moved his thumb to the second scar, just across the cheek. A trail of tingles was making its way across his face too.
“The way you stand up for your friends, stand up to your cousins, your parents— You are the bravest boy I know.” He finished, hands falling to his sides.
And Sirius didn’t say anything for a long while, his gaze barely daring to waver from his eyes, flickering with a thousand emotions. He looked scared and all kinds of overwhelmed all at once. Then, slowly, he lifted a hand to Remus’ cheek, tracing where the new scar appeared.
Remus had almost surprised himself with how much he said, he was never the one with words. But it’d always been Sirius who brought it out of him. When Remus moved his arm to hold Sirius’ hands, they snapped to catch his.
There was no point denying what he’d done. No point second guessing why he did or if he should have done. Clearly, Sirius wasn’t going to let him do it anymore as well.
So with a sad little smile, Remus squeezed his hands before quietly standing and slipping away.
-
When Euphemia caught him, brows creasing from seeing Sirius’ scar on his face, Remus pursed his lips and shrugged a little.
“Please don’t be mad at Sirius, Mrs. Potter. It was me who wanted to do it.”
-
It was near sundown when Sirius came inside and found him.
“Remus!” he called out, rushed over, and caught him in the tightest embrace. And years from then Remus might look in the mirror and wonder— wonder. The marks they left the promises they etched deep into the mind and the tiny ways they carried and broke each other. But now, with his nose buried in Sirius’ hair, Remus could just see the brilliant sunset beyond the window, and the slip of moon that was starting to glow.
