8

In just 3 short days my son will be 8. I would be lying if I said the last 8 years didn’t fly by. He made me a mom 8 years ago and we made him a big brother 5 years ago. His sense of humor, intelligence and compassion will take him far in life. For only being 8 he truly knows who he is, meanwhile I’m 34 and still trying to figure life out. He teaches me patience every day. He thinks outside of the box and applies himself fully to anything he wants to do. His drive for wanting to be the best, number 1 at everything he does is something most adults can learn from. Named after his dad and he truly lives up to the name. They are the same person. I started dating my husband at 15 so I missed 15 years of his life before me, I get to see it now through our son. Johnny you are simply put AMAZING, we love you beyond measure and hope you have the best 8th birthday! We have always said you will accomplish great things and we are so proud of you! I have no doubt year 8 will be GREAT :) 3/7/22

PSA to parents

On the way to drop my son off at school we stopped to grab him a water at a convenience store. While at the store a woman walked up, grabbed my arm and said how gorgeous my son is. I thanked her, she started asking me how old he was I said he’s almost 8. At that point she turned to my son and asked him if he goes to school to which he said “yeah, I’m late now because we had to stop and get a drink”. She immediately asks “where do you go to school?”. That’s when I felt something being off. I ignored her question, told her that we are in a hurry and to have a good day. My son and I walked out of the store and she was watching us from her car. I purposely walked very slow to see if she was going to pull out and leave the parking lot but she only made a loop and parked back in the same spot. We got in our car, locked the doors and started to pull out and sure enough she’s right behind us. I took a quick left onto the main street knowing that she won’t have time to take a left to get right behind my car. Thank god for the 3 cars between us. I was starting to panic since I had to drop my son off at school which was less than a mile away but I did not want her to know what school he went to. I turned fast on to a small street hoping that she missed me. My heart was beating out of my chest. Call me crazy, call me paranoid but I trust my gut. My gut said something was off. Probably doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many tik toks lately about kids being abducted at stores. Bottom line is trust your intuition, it’s better to be wrong than sorry. I hate that we live in a world like this, I hate that if you are just being nice you might be judged for being a creep. I hate that I had to explain to my son that there are people out there that take kids away from their families. It’s so sad that at even at his young age he picked up on the weird feeling from the lady. I hope and pray that I am wrong, I hope that any other mother would do the same in this situation. Be aware, be on alert, protect your babies, they are the future. 3/2/22

I called my husband and my 4 year old daughter picked up. She said “hi mama, daddy is cleaning” I said that she’s a great receptionist to which she replied “ I’m the CEO”. Let’s all raise girls that dream big and think that anything is possible! 2/7/22

enough

Motherhood is hard. No one warns you about how challenging and stressful it is. No matter how organized you are or how well you plan, the laundry will never be caught up and there will be days that you just want to get in your car and drive off a cliff. When I get home from work, I always need a few minute to unwind and change into comfy clothes. Now imagine trying to do that and hearing “mama, when can I do that? When can I do this? Can you buy me that? What’s for dinner?”. All while someone is hugging your leg. Privacy going to the bathroom is nonexistent when you become a mom. Constant feeling of not being good enough, guilt of working too much, spending too much time on my phone are all things I battle with daily. Irritation of having to repeat myself 17 times about cleaning their room, putting on shoes, eating all their meals, brushing their teeth is another challenge. I’m sure it seems like I don’t like being a mother, sometimes that is true. I hate to admit that but I have to be honest, it’s hard. I love my kids more than anything but at times I feel like when I became a mom I lost myself. I lost my independence, ability to say yes when friends ask to go out, going out to dinner with my husband or simply watching a movie. On days when life gets to me and I lose my will to keep going I know I have to get out of bed and keep going. My babies are counting on me, they are my motivation to do better, to keep going to a job that I hate until I find something else. I want to be a good mom, I want them both to grow up and look back on their childhood and only have good memories. I want them to never question my love for them. I wish mental health was as easy to fix as a broken bone, put a cast on it. On the bad days when I let my anxiety win being a mom is 100 times harder. The amount of weight I have on my chest that there are times they don’t get the best version of me is hard to accept. The crazy part is that they accept me. To them I am mom. To them I am not the 34 year old that is still “trying” to buy a house, not a stressed out woman that hates her job, not the irritated individual, I am their mom. The one that comforts them before bed time, kisses all the boo boos, supports their dreams, saves all their artwork and cheers the loudest at all the games. They love me for the simple fact that I am their mom and that is enough, I am enough. 1/19/2022

1/10/22

What would you tell your younger self if you were able to go back in time and give advice knowing what you know now? 

I would say focus more on education and go to school for something you are truly passionate about instead of drowning yourself in debt and not knowing. Credit score is as important as your reputation and I wish high schools would explain that more to kids instead of us solving math problems that we will never use in real life. Travel as much as you can, learning different cultures opens your mind to new possibilities. Follow not only your heart but also your gut. All the tears shed, breakups and drama with the high school boyfriend will be worth it because he ends up being your husband. He loves you even when you make it hard, he is hard on you but it’s only to make you better. He’s kind when you need him and knows exactly how to make you feel special. You have 2 kids, 2 amazing humans that you created with the love of your life. They challenge you everyday, make you tired but most of all fulfill your life in ways you didn’t know was possible. Your parents are going though a lot health wise, they are keeping their chins up and your relationship with your mother is still a work in progress. You raise your kids believing that they can do anything they set their mind to. You want them to have a better life than you. You work hard at being a good mother, everyday. You let yourself go in a lot of ways, gained weight the way you dress but you are working on that right now. You carry a lot of guilt that at the age of 34 you don’t own a home. You know it will happen but it’s always on your mind. You allow the negative thoughts to control your life but you are dealing with it. You need to take breaks for your wellbeing, 1 hour at the thrift shop or getting a coffee and reading a book. You are never alone but you feel alone and that gets tough. You have so much good in your life. Beautiful kids, a husband that loves you who is also great dad, you are starting your little business. You need to push the dark feelings away, you can’t let the demons win. You are stronger than you think, you are kind, you stand by what you believe in. You are compassionate and thoughtful. You take pride in your work and your creativity is endless. There’s so much good in your life, you are so incredibly lucky. Turns out people that say that life is short are 100% right. But what they don’t tell you is as the time passes you mostly only remember the good times and moments so focus on that. Be in the moment, enjoy it and most importantly smile.

1/8/22

Today was one of the worst days of my life. It started as a typical Saturday. I woke up, got the kids dressed and ready for my son’s basketball practice. I was planning on stopping at Dunkin’ Donuts to get the kids donuts and a coffee for me. My husband was coming with us and he takes longer to get ready than us so there was no time for donuts. We drove to practice and got there right on time. My son was doing great. My husband was sitting on the other side of the court to stay by our daughter who was playing dolls with another little girl who’s brother is on my son’s team. My parents showed up and sat next to me. Everything was going fine, the kids were bouncing the balls running back and forth, doing drills. I looked over at my son and I could tell something was not right. He dropped the ball and started to walk over to me, he took his mask off and asked for water. I offered him mine since he left his in the car, he declined and said he doesn’t feel good. I told him I will go to the car and get his water and I asked him if he wanted to go home. He hugged me and said “mama something is wrong” his body got heavy and he lost consciousness in my arms. I stood up holding his body and started screaming my husband name over and over. It’s a packed gym, I was wearing a mask finally he heard me and started to run towards me. I put our son on the floor gently and screamed for people to call 911. My husband asked if he hit his head I said no he hugged me and passed out, he picked him up and started running. I got my daughter, my son’s jacket and pants and walked outside. No sight of my husband or son. The car is parked so where did they go? I see them walking out of the school. My son who was unconscious is walking. My husband took him to the bathroom, put cold water on his face and forced him to drink and he came to life. We went home. Both my parents and husband believe that he passed out from dehydration and he barely ate anything that morning before practice. I know that makes sense and I am so happy that he is ok but because of how it all happened and him passing out in my arms I have a hard time moving on. I check on him all the time, he’s all “mama I’m ok” but I just keep seeing his pale face and I keep hearing my scream for husband to come. My son is an unbelievable kid. I know he’s mine and moms brag but from the moment he came into this world people that meet him just know he’s destined to do something great. He’s smart, loves to read, has an amazing sense of humor, is a great dancer and most of all athletic. He’s programmed to be the best at everything he does and he works hard to make sure that it happens. At age 7 he knows what he wants to be, an engineer or president (said to lower gas prices). I honestly don’t know what I would do if something happened to him. I have been praying to god to keep him safe and that this was a one time situation caused by dehydration and not eating before practice. Being a parent is so scary and stressful, you want to raise them to be good, honest people and also keep them safe. I have so much guilt from not feeding him at home that morning, I should have known we could be running late and wouldn’t have time to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts. I should have woken him up earlier that day so we would have plenty of time for breakfast. I try and try to be the best mom, and I feel like I failed. I did not keep him safe. That whole situation broke me. I keep hugging him, checking on him. I take for granted my kids, my husband I need to take a step back and appreciate what I have. Life is short, too short. So we need to love our babies, hold them as much as we can and tell them we love them even more than we do now.

1/6/22

Some people come into your life and you just know that no matter what happens and no matter how much time has passed you can call them and pick up right where you left off. I have a friend like that, let’s call her Anne. Anne and I became friends about 15 years ago, when we worked together. We connected on our love of food, art and trying new restaurants. She introduced me to Pho and the rest was history. I can’t even tell you how many hours were spent over noodles. We would force each other to read books that we would then discuss and take day trips to places we haven’t been. She went through a hard break up, changed jobs and I was there. I got married and she stood by me, when I gave birth to my son she held him at the hospital and we named her godmother. She would spend Christmas Eve with us and was part of our family. Then she re-connected with an old friend that ended up becoming her boyfriend and the next thing I know my best friend was leaving to go live in Portland, Oregon. If you don’t know, that’s 3,086 miles from Boston, I googled it. She sold her house, packed her whole life into a huge moving box, got in her car along with her cat and followed her heart. It’s been about 6 years since she left, I miss her terribly. Sometimes I drive by her old house just to be nosy to see if the new owners changed anything. Frequent phone calls turned to once in a while. We used to send packages and this past Christmas I sent a card and haven’t heard back. Our lives got in the way, I had my daugher since she’s been gone, she made a new life for herself which is so amazing. I hope she’s happy, but I miss my friend. She would listen to me without judgement, I did the same. I am making a promise that when Covid is behind us I will visit, Anne do you hear me, are you there Anne, Anne? I will visit. I want you to show me the best coffee shops, best stores to get a graphic tee and can’t forget about Pho. Miss you so much friend.

1/3/2022

Back to work after being off for 12 days and all I want to do is go back home and snuggle with my 4 year old daughter. I put away all the Christmas decorations in my office and it looks sad, I watered the plant that i inherited from my friend that got fired a few months back. Once I logged into my computer it felt like I never even had the time off. The 200 unanswered emails, the lack of drive and motivation this place gives me is still here. I promised myself that 2022 was going to be different so I will answer the rest of those emails, create some posts for work. Breakout my new planner for 2022 and start writing down my weekly goals and motivations. I’ll start small, like re-organizing my closet and donating or selling things I no longer wear. Can you keep a secret? My dream would be to live in an RV or a tiny house. I know it sounds crazy with 2 kids but especially now when the world seems like such a scary place it would be amazing to just go. Go to a place that kids can run around free with no masks, I can go to sleep with not worrying about bills or anxiety about my job a place where we can truly spend time as a family. I wish to be the person that stays out in the rain when it’s raining instead of looking for cover, i used to be that girl. Somehow I lost her along the way, I miss her. The free spirit, go with the flow attitude was replaced by lists, planning and stress. I will find her again, she’s still in me. I feel her when I laugh at something my kids did, she’s with me when randomly my husband says lets go for a walk or a drive. Crafting has really been working for me to bring her back. She’s the girl that used to take the pee smelling subway into Cambridge for a watercolor class. I don’t blame my kids or my husband that I lost her, life got in the way. Mental health did a number on me and I am now working on picking up the pieces. It’s something I struggle with everyday but I need to be whole for my family. I need to enjoy moments with them, even on days when it’s hard. Anyone that struggles with mental health will understand how it’s a constant battle that you have internally. Somedays are good, others set you back. Because I am a mom, on the bad days I can’t just take a break the little humans still need me. Truth be told to keep going I need them just as much. 

ahedderick:

   My husband and son are away at a biking event in New Jersey. My daughter will go after school to a friend’s house for the weekend. I’ve been looking forward to the quiet time for a while now.

   So the Eldest cat turned up with a swelling on her face that clearly needs to be looked at right away. We noticed it for the first time yesterday evening, and it’s substantially worse this morning. Soooo I’m heading out to the vet’s office this morning instead of relaxing. This truly doesn’t look good for her. She’s 16 yrs old as of April, and she had a senior health checkup earlier this yr that was excellent. Sometimes animals around the farm do really, really well* and then go downhill bizarrely fast.

* Probably because they get a lot of exercise and a top-notch diet

Well. I set out a bit early to take Eldest Cat to the vet. That was good, because there was a large tree down and the road south of me was completely blocked. Road Dudes were working on it, but not quickly. I had to reverse about a hundred yards to get to a place where I could turn around and find an alternate route. I had quite a wait at the vet’s office, and ended up having to leave kitty there. They’re going to sedate her to get a better look inside her mouth. Best case scenario, it’s just an abscess. Worst case, it’s part of a larger problem, and she’ll have to be put to sleep.

   On the way home I tried to swing by the Credit Union to give them a form so my daughter can get a debit card. I had a bad feeling that the grumpy lady who had given me the form yesterday gave me (in all likelyhood deliberately) the wrong form. Aaaaand, yes, she did. The lady I was talking to today was much kinder, but seemed very unsure of herself, and kept trying to talk me into an atm card instead of the debit card. That is NOT what I want. I want a card that she can use to PAY for stuff. She can go out on her own without me or my husband, now - and she needs to be able to get gas, buy snacks, cope with small emergencies, etc! It took an absurd amount of time and two calls to this lady’s supervisor to get the news that we cannot get a debit card for the account my daughter has there, and K will have to be present in order to make the necessary changes. (K was present YESTERDAY when I asked the FIRST lady about this issue! We could have resolved it then!) Anyway, I’m going to have to go back there with her. And see what other roadblocks they can throw up.  {{Exasperation!}}

({Worry about cat})

[{ This is not the relaxing day I was hoping for  }]

   My husband and son are away at a biking event in New Jersey. My daughter will go after school to a friend’s house for the weekend. I’ve been looking forward to the quiet time for a while now.

   So the Eldest cat turned up with a swelling on her face that clearly needs to be looked at right away. We noticed it for the first time yesterday evening, and it’s substantially worse this morning. Soooo I’m heading out to the vet’s office this morning instead of relaxing. This truly doesn’t look good for her. She’s 16 yrs old as of April, and she had a senior health checkup earlier this yr that was excellent. Sometimes animals around the farm do really, really well* and then go downhill bizarrely fast.

* Probably because they get a lot of exercise and a top-notch diet

Moms need breaks so they don’t break. Read that again.

Harry Potter ⚡️

I try gentle parenting but my kids do not be gentle childrening .

March 8.

100% Accurate

A head full of Hair

: best movie you’ve watched❤️!

No one is more scared of getting pregnant than a Mother Of 1.

Having a talkative kid is the worse. Like damn, you ain’t outta breath yet?