I only exist in your dreams

Just like a thousand stories shared between the night’s dark letters of love and tales never written whole, will our love be yet another chapter in the history of this world which never found the light of the suns?

Isn’t it utterly sad how our minds could travel more than we ever could?

but I’m still glad about the haunted streets my feet never took me to

i look at my reflection and can’t help but wonder when I lost myself, where did all the potential go? I mean I don’t even get out of bed now

how I wish to just ghost myself.

Featured Friday: Giselle Rosser - Powerhouse Animation

Sorry I been nothing but busy guys…. but just wanted to share that I got featured on Friday by my studio!

Decisions decisions

Might fuck around and kill myself, might decide to keep living like this. What to do. I’ve reach a point in my life where I care so much I don’t care anymore . It’s like I can feel the anxiety in me some times but I just don’t have it in me to do anything about it. It’s almost like I’m dead but in pain.

I Remember

I still remember my first breakdown. Skin hot, eyes swollen, gasping on the floor feeling like every other breath would be my last. I didn’t mean to explode. Emotions pouring out like a pressurised bottle filled with water. Rivulets of tears running down my face like a river of flowing water. The lump in my throat growing until I was choking on my own skin, like my body wanted to kill me.

Maybe it should have.

I don’t remember how long I lay there. It could have been 5 minutes, 10, 15, an hour, who knows? What I do remember is how I picked myself up, wiped my tears, blew my nose and promised myself it would be my first and my last.

How foolish and naïve I was. Gullible enough to belive my own lie.

If you were to ask me, how many more times I allowed my emotions to control me, force me to my knees, with my eyes squeezed shut, like a sinner begging for forgiveness, and I did feel like a sinner, but the crimes to me were unknown, I would not be able to tell you.

I still remember the first time I was exposed to suicide personally. I wondered; why would someone take their own life? What could force you to commit such a crime. Who could have hurt you so badly?

But then I learnt. I learnt that their reason wouldn’t matter to me because to me that person’s problem may seem insignificant to me but to them, it was worth dying for. For me, it was the words shot at me from the mouths of classmates, family and even strangers. The words leaving their mouths like bullets firing out of a gun, striking its target, fast and true. Breaking down the walls of my confidence and self worth that took years to build. 13 to be exact. Broken down in the span of what, 3 days for the most. They left me vulnerable to the voice in my head. That’s the “who”. The one who hurts you the most. The one who haunts you day and night. Laying dormant in your mind until you are stripped bare, with no protection, no way of fighting. It eats you up alive, from the inside until you feel like an imposter in your own skin. Like a corpse, donning a body to fit in the smiling crowds and happy faces. And when you are are alone and you remove that mask, all you are left is feeling broken and lifeless. You then proceed to wishing someone would see how you’ve changed, how you have lost the twinkle in your eyes, that sparkle in your smile. Days begin blurring together, forming one big dark cloud. Time slips from your fingertips, taunting you, until you just need it to stop. You need the feelings to stop, the stares, the voices.

Everything.

Stop.

Please?

It is not death you crave but silence from the harsh tormenting voice, driving you to the point of madness. Outlining each and every one of your flaws from the scar on your face, to the stretch marks on your back, causing your lack of trust in people to the cuts on your thighs…

We all have a different story, some not as extreme and others ten times ass worse. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. Your feelings are yours, don’t let anybody tell you how to feel.

I may not remember everything in my life, but I remember many of my firsts that began to destroy me. I remember how young I was, so little I understood.

I dont know which is better, knowing and understanding another’s pain or being oblivious to what would have been mine.

Tumore.

Quando mi dissero questa parola il mio cuore si fermó. Poi, preso da una scarica di adrenalina, battè più forte come a voler uscire fuori dal petto.. Come a voler andare a risanare il suo male che sentivo forte come fosse di mia proprietà.

~Piuma

PSA to parents

On the way to drop my son off at school we stopped to grab him a water at a convenience store. While at the store a woman walked up, grabbed my arm and said how gorgeous my son is. I thanked her, she started asking me how old he was I said he’s almost 8. At that point she turned to my son and asked him if he goes to school to which he said “yeah, I’m late now because we had to stop and get a drink”. She immediately asks “where do you go to school?”. That’s when I felt something being off. I ignored her question, told her that we are in a hurry and to have a good day. My son and I walked out of the store and she was watching us from her car. I purposely walked very slow to see if she was going to pull out and leave the parking lot but she only made a loop and parked back in the same spot. We got in our car, locked the doors and started to pull out and sure enough she’s right behind us. I took a quick left onto the main street knowing that she won’t have time to take a left to get right behind my car. Thank god for the 3 cars between us. I was starting to panic since I had to drop my son off at school which was less than a mile away but I did not want her to know what school he went to. I turned fast on to a small street hoping that she missed me. My heart was beating out of my chest. Call me crazy, call me paranoid but I trust my gut. My gut said something was off. Probably doesn’t help that I’ve seen so many tik toks lately about kids being abducted at stores. Bottom line is trust your intuition, it’s better to be wrong than sorry. I hate that we live in a world like this, I hate that if you are just being nice you might be judged for being a creep. I hate that I had to explain to my son that there are people out there that take kids away from their families. It’s so sad that at even at his young age he picked up on the weird feeling from the lady. I hope and pray that I am wrong, I hope that any other mother would do the same in this situation. Be aware, be on alert, protect your babies, they are the future. 3/2/22

I’m having a hard time drawing.

dragotoxins:

What with my health up to no good and needing to focus on that, I quit my 2nd job, so I’m back to my far more manageable 32 hours a week routine. That means the Fictionkind Dreamwidth community will be much more active again, also in thanks to @tanadin, who was the only brave soul to offer to help administrate the place.

I haven’t advertised here in a minute and this was as good a time as any to do that. So, for anyone who hasn’t seen it - or saw it before and forgot to jump on it then - Fictionkind is a Dreamwidth community that exists for all fictionally identified individuals and systems. Not just ‘kin and 'kind, but fictives, fictionhearted, soulbonds and their hosts, fictherians, fictionflickerers- really, you name it. If a fictional species, person, or world has significantly impacted or altered your identity, you’re welcome there.

More about it can be read here, which is required to see and agree to before you even join. If it suits your fancy then get in here and liven up the place! Right now we’re very prompt-oriented and we need way more than that. Even the content that you think is cringe or annoying is 100% wanted.

fictionkind - Community Profile

Never lonely I’m just lowkey.

If I Jump, living trough these songs. So you know just where to find me

Learn to be alone, because not everyone will stay.

Darkness, my protection.

You broke me first.

Am Abend beginnt die Zeit, vor der ich am liebsten weglaufen würde.

Ich sah alle an und fragte mich, woher Sie kommen, wen Sie vermissen und was ihnen leid tut.

Eines solltest Du wissen, wenn du dich auf ein Mädchen einlässt. Mach dich nicht kaputt, wenn sie etwas besseres findet.

Ist es nicht interessant, wie schnell wir uns verlieben? Ich meine, ich kann mich nicht mal entscheiden, was ich am Morgen anziehe.

Du bist nicht cool, wenn du Geld hast. Du bist cool, wenn du ein Herz hast bro.

Mental Breakdown Check

Das sind die Starken der Welt: die unter Tränen lachen, eigene Sorgen verbergen, und andere glücklich machen.

Hey, I’m one of this kind of people :)

Natürlich denke Ich, dass Ich nichts Wert bin, wenn mich jeder so leicht verlassen kann.

it’s always my fault, isn’t it?

one of my biggest

toxic traits is…

I know how to love…

but I dont know…

how to believe that I’m loved.

Maybe she just hasn’t checked her phone in 4 days

Wenn ich zu dir sage “Ich liebe Dich”, dann ist das so. Denn ich sag’s nicht mal zu meiner Familie.

Meine Gedanken verfolgen mich und ich kann nicht vor Ihnen fliehen.

Sie: “Könnten Sie sich vorstellen tod zu sein?”

Ich: “Bin ich das nicht schon längst?”

Ich fühle nichts mehr. Außer Schmerz, Einsamkeit, Wut und Trauer. Die ganze Welt ist grau und Hoffnungslos. ICH bin Hoffnungslos.

tired of trying to be a human every single day.