Really showing some self restraint here, I feel. Going back and fourth back and fourth. Should We? Shouldn’t We? We want to try to clear up psychosis and also not make it worse. We are taking the smallest dose of lsd We think We’ve taken since We started Psychedelic Therapy. About 100mcg. Teen wanted to do 200mcg but Brother actually talked him out of it. He said just to do a little for medicine. Basically that’s what he was saying. But yeah, today We walked to the store by ourself (bad idea) everything went relatively fine but when We got home and went to unlock our door We got freaked out. We swore someone had come up the stairs behind us but there was no one. Then it felt like they kept sneaking up behind us. There wasn’t anyone there. We will see if this dose makes a difference.
Really showing some self restraint here, I feel. Going back and fourth back and fourth. Should We? Shouldn’t We? We want to try to clear up psychosis and also not make it worse. We are taking the smallest dose of lsd We think We’ve taken since We started Psychedelic Therapy. About 100mcg. Teen wanted to do 200mcg but Brother actually talked him out of it. He said just to do a little for medicine. Basically that’s what he was saying. But yeah, today We walked to the store by ourself (bad idea) everything went relatively fine but when We got home and went to unlock our door We got freaked out. We swore someone had come up the stairs behind us but there was no one. Then it felt like they kept sneaking up behind us. There wasn’t anyone there. We will see if this dose makes a difference.
I just made a promise to Dante that I wouldn’t make another suicide attempt until we try the lsd route first. He heard me and acknowledged it. I have to remember.
It’s been over a year since We started psychedelic therapy. Started with lsd and ketamine. Saved us. It’s time to wake up Dante. I think he would like things much better now with the new level of self awareness. I think he would like to front.
Holy fuck! Memory unlocked, boys! Okay so We acted a little bit in high school and don’t remember… Anyway We were REALLY GOOD! And We were just thinking, “Oh shit! This is probably why!” THEN We remembered being on stage when We were 16 years old. But We remember like We’re watching from THE AUDIENCE! We can see ourself on stage in costume! Who the fuck was Juliet? Oh and We also just remembered a full switch happening when We were 17 years old. Whoever was acting host thought they still had control. They absolutely did not. And they did feel strange but didn’t know why. They thought they were just playing around. But they became something completely different…
OMFG! FORGOT TO MENTION! Something really weird happened during our psychedelic therapy session yesterday! One of us was texting someone then after sending it someone else tapped in. They started to remember texting but in the memory it was REVERSED! The fucking letters were backwards! What the fuck?!
We did a good thing. But it is going to take some getting used to. So many more are active now. We still don’t know who everyone is. ✌️☝️… So sex is more awkward now. Oh… Fuckin… We’ll tag it with “TMI” or some shit. Right… DMT! I, Malice got us over our fear… Well THEIR fear. Not mine. That’s why I could do it when they couldn’t. Someone was pushing us really fucking hard to do DMT. We don’t know who. But We HAD to. We had no choice. The Gobos kept trying to front for whatever reason. Animal, Teen and I had to keep pulling them out. They were so scared But they were being so BRAVE! I, We want The Gobos to know that We, Animal, Teen and Malice are so very proud of you. You never have to do anything like that though. We will always protect you. No matter what happens. Okay? You brave little souls have no need to worry. You are completely protected from harm. Someone else is here with us. They seem to really care about The Gobos as well. So… Umm… See? You guys are safe!
The best thing abt doing actual research into the plural community is that its literally never been like the medicalists say it was. I have a book from a 60+ year old diagnosed did system who can and has rejected/expelled alters entirely. another with an interject of a religious figure whos a gatekeeper. Another who can control switches, one who has known since they were kids ect ect ect. Plurality has always been weird and different my guy, to say otherwise is to erase our history and ignore basically all aspects of plurality
Also this goes for nontraumagenic plurals and headmates we have been a part of the community since the start. Stay mad
We may have just fucked with some dude who has been calling us for weeks. We keep trying to tell him that We don’t know him. He acts like he accepts it and moves on. But he still keeps calling. Twice so far and it’s almost 2:30 in the morning. Then started texting. Apologized but then asked if we worked together and that he doesn’t know who he’s calling. So We asked him to clarify. “Worked together in what capacity?” “We suffer from occasional amnesia.” “Who are you looking for?” (implying We are many)… Now dude won’t stop texting us! He’s texted us five times since starting this post! Wtf?!
How it’s been going…
Oh, and We don’t know how it’s coming across. But We weren’t trying to creep him out. We were just trying to confuse the fuck out of him ♀️
We may have just fucked with some dude who has been calling us for weeks. We keep trying to tell him that We don’t know him. He acts like he accepts it and moves on. But he still keeps calling. Twice so far and it’s almost 2:30 in the morning. Then started texting. Apologized but then asked if we worked together and that he doesn’t know who he’s calling. So We asked him to clarify. “Worked together in what capacity?” “We suffer from occasional amnesia.” “Who are you looking for?” (implying We are many)… Now dude won’t stop texting us! He’s texted us five times since starting this post! Wtf?!
How it’s been going…
Oh, and We don’t know how it’s coming across. But We weren’t trying to creep him out. We were just trying to confuse the fuck out of him ♀️
We may have just fucked with some dude who has been calling us for weeks. We keep trying to tell him that We don’t know him. He acts like he accepts it and moves on. But he still keeps calling. Twice so far and it’s almost 2:30 in the morning. Then started texting. Apologized but then asked if we worked together and that he doesn’t know who he’s calling. So We asked him to clarify. “Worked together in what capacity?” “We suffer from occasional amnesia.” “Who are you looking for?” (implying We are many)… Now dude won’t stop texting us! He’s texted us five times since starting this post! Wtf?!
How it’s been going…
Oh, and We don’t know how it’s coming across. But We weren’t trying to creep him out. We were just trying to confuse the fuck out of him ♀️
We may have just fucked with some dude who has been calling us for weeks. We keep trying to tell him that We don’t know him. He acts like he accepts it and moves on. But he still keeps calling. Twice so far and it’s almost 2:30 in the morning. Then started texting. Apologized but then asked if we worked together and that he doesn’t know who he’s calling. So We asked him to clarify. “Worked together in what capacity?” “We suffer from occasional amnesia.” “Who are you looking for?” (implying We are many)… Now dude won’t stop texting us! He’s texted us five times since starting this post! Wtf?!
How it’s been going…
Oh, and We don’t know how it’s coming across. But We weren’t trying to creep him out. We were just trying to confuse the fuck out of him ♀️
We may have just fucked with some dude who has been calling us for weeks. We keep trying to tell him that We don’t know him. He acts like he accepts it and moves on. But he still keeps calling. Twice so far and it’s almost 2:30 in the morning. Then started texting. Apologized but then asked if we worked together and that he doesn’t know who he’s calling. So We asked him to clarify. “Worked together in what capacity?” “We suffer from occasional amnesia.” “Who are you looking for?” (implying We are many)… Now dude won’t stop texting us! He’s texted us five times since starting this post! Wtf?!
How it’s been going…
Oh, and We don’t know how it’s coming across. But We weren’t trying to creep him out. We were just trying to confuse the fuck out of him ♀️
We may have just fucked with some dude who has been calling us for weeks. We keep trying to tell him that We don’t know him. He acts like he accepts it and moves on. But he still keeps calling. Twice so far and it’s almost 2:30 in the morning. Then started texting. Apologized but then asked if we worked together and that he doesn’t know who he’s calling. So We asked him to clarify. “Worked together in what capacity?” “We suffer from occasional amnesia.” “Who are you looking for?” (implying We are many)… Now dude won’t stop texting us! He’s texted us five times since starting this post! Wtf?!
We may have just fucked with some dude who has been calling us for weeks. We keep trying to tell him that We don’t know him. He acts like he accepts it and moves on. But he still keeps calling. Twice so far and it’s almost 2:30 in the morning. Then started texting. Apologized but then asked if we worked together and that he doesn’t know who he’s calling. So We asked him to clarify. “Worked together in what capacity?” “We suffer from occasional amnesia.” “Who are you looking for?” (implying We are many)… Now dude won’t stop texting us! He’s texted us five times since starting this post! Wtf?!
Oh FUG! Got too fucking high again! I can’t imagine why We keep tolerance fucking ourself?! Jeezus, man! I know you’re upset but you really need to chill. It’s okay, man. We’re all okay. And We’re gonna continue to be okay as We continue to move forward. We will get through this. You and I and the others. We are all going to be okay. Even better than that someday. I promise you. We all need to promise to make that our main goal. Happiness. Whatever that may mean to us. Not perfection. Not misery. Not in the middle. Where ever We want to be. We don’t know who We are
Donatello is changing. Getting brought to the front more and more now that We’ve been experiencing PTSD symptoms again. His appearance is even starting to change, it seems.
We hate everything Mean people dick bags! We are having PTSD stuff happening. We were having bad dreams for a little while now. And now Teen dissociates hard and often. He can’t handle the stress. He is trying but even some of us think that Teen may be experiencing a bit of psychosis. We will try and help him keep it together.
Rushed through a project that isn’t due until the end of the week. Exam in less than two hours… Not feeling like We got this one. PTSD mode is not the ideal mode for learning. Tried to make an appointment with the school therapist but you need an emergency contact. Failing isn’t the end of the world… If We fail the exam and tank the project I think We can still pass the class because as of rn our average is a 91. We will just need to figure out how to put the resurfaced trauma on the back burner for the rest of the semester. Is that even possible? Guess We’ll find out.
Uncovered some real fucked up shit, this morning!… Found an old external hard drive and a few flash drives. A bunch of stories, pictures and videos from 2010 - 2015. I don’t know what to think. My brain is automatically trying to find a rational explanation for what We’ve uncovered… We knew We should not have been digging but We felt that it was necessary. We thought… I don’t know what We thought. But it… Wasn’t what We found. We found a VIDEO of MALICE. 2011-ish??? So she wasn’t lying or mistaken. She did exist before me, Teen. Anyway, what is strange is that she was crying throughout the entire video. Why? Because she was showing her badly bruised thigh. How did she get that bruise? Our old roommate who used to beat the fuck out of us! She hid the video. I didn’t find it with the other videos. She tucked it away in another folder titled something different. Like she was afraid someone would find it… Also found two videos that the fucking roommate was in… I liked those videos! We helped create those videos! And now they just upset us… I honestly can’t even describe how I feel about this. Why now? Why did We have to go digging now? Why did We find that shit now? We have an exam in a couple days and a project due by the end of the week. We don’t have time to relive trauma!
Been trying to sleep for a couple hours now. Lots of shit happening. Found out what the Eddie Money reference was all about. Saw Henry as an angel. Don’t know what the fuck that means. Slow danced with Rio. Someone was controlling the vessel and dancing to Die Antwoord. Dante, Animal, Rio, Teen. We were all together. Not really. It was showing us what could be. Needed to take notes.
Teen: “Imagine if I was my age.”
Animal: “Thaaat sentence doesn’t make any fucking sense! ”
Nearing the end of day two of our THC talerance break. Realizing that it wasn’t the THC that was increasing the symptoms. The THC just made it more obvious to us. We aren’t high. We aren’t drunk. We aren’t on anything. Still switching out. It seems like whoever is fronting gets influenced without warning. Mixing without warning. Just start moving and talking. Moving with different mannerisms. Speaking someone else’s words with someone else’s voice. The symptoms have not decreased since the break from Concerta and THC. They may have increased the dissociation in the beginning but it seems like whatever switch it flipped is still flipped. Not upset. Not excited. Just observing. Trying to just document our symptoms without emotional interference. We have become our own psychiatrist. We are the doctor. We are the patient. Don’t forget that.
