#sadstory

My Mind | 13

Today it’s one of those day where i feel completely lost and trap in my mind. This morning just went wrong. It just started bad. I had a dream about you last night. We weren’t talking either like in reality. You looked at me and I looked at you but I couldn’t get any closer to you and you didn’t make any effort trying talking to me so we just stared at each other. Even in my dreams my body reacts when I see your face. When I see your face I felt sadness and pain. I woke up wanted to cry. It’s hard not to think about you or not to miss you. I thought I could escape the pain in my dreams but now I see you there, too. I told myself I was done with you but*sigh* I guess I’m not that’s why I saw you in my dream. It’s been two month now since were not talking anymore. Did you even notice that I deleted your number? No because I was right, you never really wanted me to stay in your life. You don’t care about me. I could be dead. Would you notice? Everyday it gets worst and worst I’m on the edge of a cliff but don’t know what to do yet…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 10

Yesterday I cried. I don’t even know why I cried. I’m so sad. I’m always sad, there’s a dark cloud floats over me but instead of rain it’s sadness that surrounds me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can’t remember what Happiness feels like. Was I ever Happy?.. I’m trapped in my mind and the only thing that keeps me awake are my thoughts. I wish I could shut them out just for a while I’m so tired and I just need to rest… just for a little bit. I don’t understand people making jokes about depression, what’s funny about it? Did I miss the joke cause I’m not laughing. I’m so afraid of my thoughts that I won’t let anyone get close enough to me but how do I tell the person who wants to get to know me? People hurt People that’s a fact my mind is telling me so I’ll stay in the darkness of my thoughts and keep my distance It’s not healthy but at least I’m safe. I’ve been in the dark for so long that It has become my friend. I got some demons in my head they trying to trick me but that’s okay…. I’m used to it..

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 08

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted something up here, but I couldn’t write something I just didn’t have the energy. Let’s start with a Lyrics: 

I hope you miss me
I know you left but I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I hope you miss me I know you left
But I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I got some deep rooted issues in me
I got some deep rooted issues tryna fix this
I got some demons in my head they tryna trick me

I wonder why everyone around me leaves. Maybe it’s me, maybe something is wrong with me. That’s what I’m starting to believe. It must be me otherwise I can’t explain why people who mean the most to me are leaving me. Now I’m back at the dark place, lonley and no one there to help me out. I’m stuck again. My thoughts are circling me but the fact that I didn’t mean so much to you hurts. It hurts really bad. How can you end a friendship like ours just like that? Like.. I don’t know. We used to talk on the phone every damn day and now… nothing… Do you even think about me because I think about you a lot. You knew what I was going through and still you’ve decided to erase me out of your life… I guess I’m just not worth it. Everything seems hopeless, I don’t know what I should do and that’s driving crazy. I’m loosing my mind. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME… You were supposed to be the one who understands me but I was wrong how could you you fool me so much and bring me back in this position. How could this happen to me for the second time? Suddenly you told me I’m embarrassed. You don’t know what it feels like if someone says that someone who knows you’re already broken inside and fears to do something wrong in society. That’s why I have trust issues, but Ive choosed to give you a chance so It’s my fault again… that I’m lonely again… Like always…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 07

It’s been a while since I wrote something about myself. I’m feeling really really miserable but let’s start from the beginning. I texted him how I’m really feeling, I told him everything about my depression everything i wrote down on My Mind | 03andMy Mind | 04 and he told me that he doesn’t hate me at all. He said the sound of my laugh is the best thing he heared and it’s stuck in his head. He said I shouldn’t think or feel bad about me all the time but it’s easier said than done. He offered me to talk to him anytime  if I’m feeling bad about myself again. This is great isn’t it? But why I’m thinking I don’t want to bother him? I mean what am I supposed to tell him if I’m feeling sad again or if my anxiety hits me again. Most of the time I don’t even know whats wrong with me… This weekend was pretty rough and I wish I could erase the day but I can’t. I did some REALLY bad things I don’t even wanna talk about it because it’s too much for me to handle. I drank too much I know alcohol isn’t an excuse and I hate it that the person which was involved put me in this position but who am I blaming it’s my fault again because I put myself in this position. I don’t even know what to think I just want the weekend to be gone. JUST GONE. 

- a vision of ecstasy