Who’s bored during this quarantine

Why is it that little girls who are told to stop crying turn into women who scream silently, and boys who are told crying is for girls, grow into men who seek to hear a silent scream?

Perhaps we are teaching them wrong.

-Cry if you want to darling, it is your right.

When you die life will go on and eventually everyone will move on with their lives and forget you that just the reality of things

-Night

I might be still too young to understand the life completely, but I’ve been released one thing. People only remember you, when you are dead.

Mindent egyedül kell megoldani, mert nem fog senki sem segíteni

It doesn’t really matter how many things you do. The things you don’t, will always weight much more. Even if it’s a single thing.

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 18

I thougt he saved me but instead i just loved the company, the feeling that came through, the feeling i had, the kind of feeling i thought would feel nice. I was wrong. I didn’t feel the hapiness, the love I thought I would feel when I was with him instead I used him for my own purpose. I broke him cause i am broken and unable to love. Again I found myself in this black hole and I don’t know how to get out of this. Again I’m overthinking everything. How do I love again? How do I trust again. I stay up all night telling myself I’m alright but I’m not. There’s this one sentence that keeps spinning in my head. Maybe Life isn’t for everyone. I’m trying so hard not give up but it’s so hard. Living is hard. I fill this emptiness with alcohol drugs and guys who give me the attention but instead of feeling something I’m drowning. Everytime when I think I should be happy I sabotage myself…Why? Why am I doing that? I don’t wanna be alone cause my mind scares me. How do I make it stop? How can I shut up these voices in my head that keep teeling me I’m a bad person? Am I? I don’t know…

- a vision of ecstasy

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 15

I’ve been trapped in my mind lately. Often than usual. What is it in our mind or hearts that makes it dependent on us humans that we think we can’t live without a loved one? How can we be so addicted to someone else who doesn’t even think of us? You keep thinking and thinking and at some point you’re so far that you don’t even realize how you got into the dark and now you don’t know how to get out. You’re trying not to think about it but you loose control over your thoughts. You’re trying to escape with drugs and alcohol but it keeps making everything worst. Suddenly you’ve reached your breaking point and think live doesn’t make any sence and you’re starting to have suicidal thoughts caus you don’t want to live in a world where everything you see and feel is either sadness or numbness. You try to remeber when you were happy and when this endless sadness have started. You can’t remeber. Living is fighting. I don’t know what will happen in 5 years. Will I be happy? Will I survive? Will I be dead? I don’t know. All I know is that it is hard when I hate myself. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 14

Today I wanna talk about friendships. What does a friendship means exactly? Does it mean that I have to do everything to keep them satisfied? When does a friendship became a toxic one? All my life I did everything possible to keep the one I used to call “my best friends” happy. I used to  say it’s okay if they talked about me behind my back cause we’re girls and thats normal right? When they planned a vacation without me I used to say it’s okay maybe they thought I had to work. When I told them I’d almost lost my virginity they used to judge me behind my back although they were no longer virgins. I thought it was my fault cause I was stupid enough to almost let it happen. I thought I did something wrong. At this moment I used to do everything to keep them happy. I lent money without demanding it back, I donated food without recieving a consideration. Just to keep them satisfied. Everything just to be not left alone. Now I’m alone and I still think it’s my fault, that I did something wrong just to be around someone who never really cared about me.They never asked how I’m doing. They don’t even know about my depression. This friendship was toxic from the beginning but I didn’t realized it. It happened slowly and step by step. I’m better off on my own. People are Poison. 

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 13

Today it’s one of those day where i feel completely lost and trap in my mind. This morning just went wrong. It just started bad. I had a dream about you last night. We weren’t talking either like in reality. You looked at me and I looked at you but I couldn’t get any closer to you and you didn’t make any effort trying talking to me so we just stared at each other. Even in my dreams my body reacts when I see your face. When I see your face I felt sadness and pain. I woke up wanted to cry. It’s hard not to think about you or not to miss you. I thought I could escape the pain in my dreams but now I see you there, too. I told myself I was done with you but*sigh* I guess I’m not that’s why I saw you in my dream. It’s been two month now since were not talking anymore. Did you even notice that I deleted your number? No because I was right, you never really wanted me to stay in your life. You don’t care about me. I could be dead. Would you notice? Everyday it gets worst and worst I’m on the edge of a cliff but don’t know what to do yet…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 10

Yesterday I cried. I don’t even know why I cried. I’m so sad. I’m always sad, there’s a dark cloud floats over me but instead of rain it’s sadness that surrounds me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can’t remember what Happiness feels like. Was I ever Happy?.. I’m trapped in my mind and the only thing that keeps me awake are my thoughts. I wish I could shut them out just for a while I’m so tired and I just need to rest… just for a little bit. I don’t understand people making jokes about depression, what’s funny about it? Did I miss the joke cause I’m not laughing. I’m so afraid of my thoughts that I won’t let anyone get close enough to me but how do I tell the person who wants to get to know me? People hurt People that’s a fact my mind is telling me so I’ll stay in the darkness of my thoughts and keep my distance It’s not healthy but at least I’m safe. I’ve been in the dark for so long that It has become my friend. I got some demons in my head they trying to trick me but that’s okay…. I’m used to it..

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 08

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted something up here, but I couldn’t write something I just didn’t have the energy. Let’s start with a Lyrics: 

I hope you miss me
I know you left but I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I hope you miss me I know you left
But I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I got some deep rooted issues in me
I got some deep rooted issues tryna fix this
I got some demons in my head they tryna trick me

I wonder why everyone around me leaves. Maybe it’s me, maybe something is wrong with me. That’s what I’m starting to believe. It must be me otherwise I can’t explain why people who mean the most to me are leaving me. Now I’m back at the dark place, lonley and no one there to help me out. I’m stuck again. My thoughts are circling me but the fact that I didn’t mean so much to you hurts. It hurts really bad. How can you end a friendship like ours just like that? Like.. I don’t know. We used to talk on the phone every damn day and now… nothing… Do you even think about me because I think about you a lot. You knew what I was going through and still you’ve decided to erase me out of your life… I guess I’m just not worth it. Everything seems hopeless, I don’t know what I should do and that’s driving crazy. I’m loosing my mind. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME… You were supposed to be the one who understands me but I was wrong how could you you fool me so much and bring me back in this position. How could this happen to me for the second time? Suddenly you told me I’m embarrassed. You don’t know what it feels like if someone says that someone who knows you’re already broken inside and fears to do something wrong in society. That’s why I have trust issues, but Ive choosed to give you a chance so It’s my fault again… that I’m lonely again… Like always…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 05

Like i’ve already mentioned in one of my post I suffer from depression. I’m manic depressive. Today i’m not feeling any kind of sadness I’m more I don’t know how to say over-excited I feel like I can do everything and that’s where the scary part begins. While i’m going through this phase I spend a lot of money have so many ideas and things I wanna do at the same time. I drink too much and talk way too much but at this moment I don’t care. I prefer this phase more than the sad one cause nothing hurts inside of me. As soon as i want to do something which isn’t possible to do or if it don’t go like I want it, I’ll go insane and lost all controll over my emotion that’s why it’s better lo leave me alone. It kinda helps me writing down everything what’s going on in my head right now. It’s like a free therapy session you know but on the other side it’s not very helpful cause I’m talking to myself and keep on thinking. 

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 03                                                                                                        

I’m so sad again. I don’t know how to keep you and the stuff I do away from my mind. It’s not like I want to think about you but every time your name pops up. I know it’s only human but I never learn. You’re hurting me, I’m hurting myself cause of the thoughts I have and you’re not helpful because you don’t do anything to prove me I’m wrong. How come everytime I ask you if you wanna meet you’re always busy but everytime I see a post where you’re hanging out with your guys? Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you don’t want to be my friend anymore, you’re just not the type of guy to say it in my face cause you know exactly how painful this would be for me so you just let me there with my thoughts but thats’s not better either. I just want to talk to you. I remeber how you would ask me if i wanna talk now and I regret it and I’m sorry.. I just wasn’t ready at the moment to tell you what’s going on with me but now I am and you don’t want to listen to me. It’s not easy to tell someone you’ve been seeing a psychologist, that you’re depressed, that you scared to open up to other people especially guys cause you have been sexually harassed it wasn’t that bad and nothing happened but that scares the crap out of me. Everytime I met a new guy I’m scared and I still don’t want to be touch by someone else unless I give them permission to. I’m still a virgin not because I’m waiting for the special one because I’m scared. Those were the things I wasn’t ready to tell you back in 2018. I know the things that happended to me are no excuses for the way I act around people while i’m high but I hope you understand that at this moment when my behavior changes I feel like I can escape my mind even if it’s only for a few hours. When I get sober I immediately regret everything I did and that is why I wanted to apologize to you bacause I did some pretty dumb shit with your friends it wasn’t that bad I just kissed a few of them and played with their feelings I know that’s not the girl you used to know and I know I’m not like that. I’m really trying my best to change those kind of behaving but it’s not easy cause I can’t promise you that if someone would offer me some drugs that i wouldn’t take it. People always say it’s easy just don’t take it but they will never understand that if you’re always been confronted by your own thoughts cause you’ve had a bad childhood cause of the things other people told you or because your own Mother beat your ass at the age of 6 years and told you at the age of 14/15 that nobodys ever gonna love you, how am I supposed to see the light at the end of the tunnel? so.. here is my answer YES if someone would offer me some drugs I would take it because at this moment you think this is your escape to happiness cause you don’t know anything else.

- a vision of ecstasy