Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 18

I thougt he saved me but instead i just loved the company, the feeling that came through, the feeling i had, the kind of feeling i thought would feel nice. I was wrong. I didn’t feel the hapiness, the love I thought I would feel when I was with him instead I used him for my own purpose. I broke him cause i am broken and unable to love. Again I found myself in this black hole and I don’t know how to get out of this. Again I’m overthinking everything. How do I love again? How do I trust again. I stay up all night telling myself I’m alright but I’m not. There’s this one sentence that keeps spinning in my head. Maybe Life isn’t for everyone. I’m trying so hard not give up but it’s so hard. Living is hard. I fill this emptiness with alcohol drugs and guys who give me the attention but instead of feeling something I’m drowning. Everytime when I think I should be happy I sabotage myself…Why? Why am I doing that? I don’t wanna be alone cause my mind scares me. How do I make it stop? How can I shut up these voices in my head that keep teeling me I’m a bad person? Am I? I don’t know…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 13

Today it’s one of those day where i feel completely lost and trap in my mind. This morning just went wrong. It just started bad. I had a dream about you last night. We weren’t talking either like in reality. You looked at me and I looked at you but I couldn’t get any closer to you and you didn’t make any effort trying talking to me so we just stared at each other. Even in my dreams my body reacts when I see your face. When I see your face I felt sadness and pain. I woke up wanted to cry. It’s hard not to think about you or not to miss you. I thought I could escape the pain in my dreams but now I see you there, too. I told myself I was done with you but*sigh* I guess I’m not that’s why I saw you in my dream. It’s been two month now since were not talking anymore. Did you even notice that I deleted your number? No because I was right, you never really wanted me to stay in your life. You don’t care about me. I could be dead. Would you notice? Everyday it gets worst and worst I’m on the edge of a cliff but don’t know what to do yet…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 10

Yesterday I cried. I don’t even know why I cried. I’m so sad. I’m always sad, there’s a dark cloud floats over me but instead of rain it’s sadness that surrounds me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can’t remember what Happiness feels like. Was I ever Happy?.. I’m trapped in my mind and the only thing that keeps me awake are my thoughts. I wish I could shut them out just for a while I’m so tired and I just need to rest… just for a little bit. I don’t understand people making jokes about depression, what’s funny about it? Did I miss the joke cause I’m not laughing. I’m so afraid of my thoughts that I won’t let anyone get close enough to me but how do I tell the person who wants to get to know me? People hurt People that’s a fact my mind is telling me so I’ll stay in the darkness of my thoughts and keep my distance It’s not healthy but at least I’m safe. I’ve been in the dark for so long that It has become my friend. I got some demons in my head they trying to trick me but that’s okay…. I’m used to it..

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 05

Like i’ve already mentioned in one of my post I suffer from depression. I’m manic depressive. Today i’m not feeling any kind of sadness I’m more I don’t know how to say over-excited I feel like I can do everything and that’s where the scary part begins. While i’m going through this phase I spend a lot of money have so many ideas and things I wanna do at the same time. I drink too much and talk way too much but at this moment I don’t care. I prefer this phase more than the sad one cause nothing hurts inside of me. As soon as i want to do something which isn’t possible to do or if it don’t go like I want it, I’ll go insane and lost all controll over my emotion that’s why it’s better lo leave me alone. It kinda helps me writing down everything what’s going on in my head right now. It’s like a free therapy session you know but on the other side it’s not very helpful cause I’m talking to myself and keep on thinking. 

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 03                                                                                                        

I’m so sad again. I don’t know how to keep you and the stuff I do away from my mind. It’s not like I want to think about you but every time your name pops up. I know it’s only human but I never learn. You’re hurting me, I’m hurting myself cause of the thoughts I have and you’re not helpful because you don’t do anything to prove me I’m wrong. How come everytime I ask you if you wanna meet you’re always busy but everytime I see a post where you’re hanging out with your guys? Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you don’t want to be my friend anymore, you’re just not the type of guy to say it in my face cause you know exactly how painful this would be for me so you just let me there with my thoughts but thats’s not better either. I just want to talk to you. I remeber how you would ask me if i wanna talk now and I regret it and I’m sorry.. I just wasn’t ready at the moment to tell you what’s going on with me but now I am and you don’t want to listen to me. It’s not easy to tell someone you’ve been seeing a psychologist, that you’re depressed, that you scared to open up to other people especially guys cause you have been sexually harassed it wasn’t that bad and nothing happened but that scares the crap out of me. Everytime I met a new guy I’m scared and I still don’t want to be touch by someone else unless I give them permission to. I’m still a virgin not because I’m waiting for the special one because I’m scared. Those were the things I wasn’t ready to tell you back in 2018. I know the things that happended to me are no excuses for the way I act around people while i’m high but I hope you understand that at this moment when my behavior changes I feel like I can escape my mind even if it’s only for a few hours. When I get sober I immediately regret everything I did and that is why I wanted to apologize to you bacause I did some pretty dumb shit with your friends it wasn’t that bad I just kissed a few of them and played with their feelings I know that’s not the girl you used to know and I know I’m not like that. I’m really trying my best to change those kind of behaving but it’s not easy cause I can’t promise you that if someone would offer me some drugs that i wouldn’t take it. People always say it’s easy just don’t take it but they will never understand that if you’re always been confronted by your own thoughts cause you’ve had a bad childhood cause of the things other people told you or because your own Mother beat your ass at the age of 6 years and told you at the age of 14/15 that nobodys ever gonna love you, how am I supposed to see the light at the end of the tunnel? so.. here is my answer YES if someone would offer me some drugs I would take it because at this moment you think this is your escape to happiness cause you don’t know anything else.

- a vision of ecstasy