Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 19

Call your friend Mary Jane, Pause… and hit the High button. Drift away with me. Let your thoughts drown you. Let the sweet pain join you. Let the darknesssurround you. Close your eyes and you’ll see your missing friend,numbness.

All your friends are there. How Pathetic, I can’t see them. But their surrounding keeps me awake. Everytime.. They brought some other friends with them. I don’t like them. You cann call them whatever you want. I call them demons. They’re in my head, telling me pretty little lies. Funny, i don’t like them but I believe everything they say.

I don’t like myself anymore cause of them. They did this to me. My lovely friends who surrounds me everyday. At least I’m not lonley anymore right?

Mary Jane my dearest friend, I’m in Love with the feeling you’re giving me while I inhale your wonderful smoke and watch you fade away. You’re the only one who wants me arround. Don’t you go away. Just stay. Tell them to leave me alone. Tell them to shut up.

Finally.

As I fell asleep peacefully i couldn’t hear the demons anymore.

…….

……..

………

Isn’t she pretty my friend Mary Jane?

She keeps me asleep.

- a vision of ecstasy

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 17

Hi guys, alot of things changed in my life since the last time i posted something.. I was completely broken. I just couldn’t deal with life anymore. I wandet to die. The person who was most impotant to me in the world had stabbed me in the back. I literally spend the last few weeks/month at home. I didn’t wanted to go out. It was just too much for me to handle. The pain was unbearable and the betrayal was too painful to handle…How could you do this? You know exactly what you’ve done…and you still choose to fuck with my emotion like this. I was done with humanity. I was in so much pain and anger. I lost my mind. It was driven me crazy. I wanted the thoughts to stop but they were getting louder and louder. I wanted to scream from the bottom of my lungs but i couldn’t…You just killed the spark that was keeping me alive.

“I saw the part of you, that only when you’re older you will see too… Well you look like yourself but you’re somebody else, only it ain’t on the surface. Well you talk like yourself but I hear someone else though…You were the better part of every bit of beating heart that I had, whatever I had..I finally sat alone pitch black flesh and bone…”

This song was written for you, you simply broke me and I will never ever forgive you. The sad part is that I will always love you. Loving is hard I get that but this Love almost killed me and for once in my life my thoughts were completely silence and I realized it’s time for me to say goodbye. I had to let you go. This was the sign God was sending me.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. This one guy managed that i can see the light at the end of the tunnel again. He has done things that I could never have imagined with you and that scared the hell out of me. He is the sun on a cloudy day.He is the healer of my pain. He is a god send on my prays. HE saved my life.

HE SAVED ME.

Thank you
- a vision of ecstasy

Glazed Eyes, Empty Hearts

My Mind | 15

I’ve been trapped in my mind lately. Often than usual. What is it in our mind or hearts that makes it dependent on us humans that we think we can’t live without a loved one? How can we be so addicted to someone else who doesn’t even think of us? You keep thinking and thinking and at some point you’re so far that you don’t even realize how you got into the dark and now you don’t know how to get out. You’re trying not to think about it but you loose control over your thoughts. You’re trying to escape with drugs and alcohol but it keeps making everything worst. Suddenly you’ve reached your breaking point and think live doesn’t make any sence and you’re starting to have suicidal thoughts caus you don’t want to live in a world where everything you see and feel is either sadness or numbness. You try to remeber when you were happy and when this endless sadness have started. You can’t remeber. Living is fighting. I don’t know what will happen in 5 years. Will I be happy? Will I survive? Will I be dead? I don’t know. All I know is that it is hard when I hate myself. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 13

Today it’s one of those day where i feel completely lost and trap in my mind. This morning just went wrong. It just started bad. I had a dream about you last night. We weren’t talking either like in reality. You looked at me and I looked at you but I couldn’t get any closer to you and you didn’t make any effort trying talking to me so we just stared at each other. Even in my dreams my body reacts when I see your face. When I see your face I felt sadness and pain. I woke up wanted to cry. It’s hard not to think about you or not to miss you. I thought I could escape the pain in my dreams but now I see you there, too. I told myself I was done with you but*sigh* I guess I’m not that’s why I saw you in my dream. It’s been two month now since were not talking anymore. Did you even notice that I deleted your number? No because I was right, you never really wanted me to stay in your life. You don’t care about me. I could be dead. Would you notice? Everyday it gets worst and worst I’m on the edge of a cliff but don’t know what to do yet…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 10

Yesterday I cried. I don’t even know why I cried. I’m so sad. I’m always sad, there’s a dark cloud floats over me but instead of rain it’s sadness that surrounds me. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can’t remember what Happiness feels like. Was I ever Happy?.. I’m trapped in my mind and the only thing that keeps me awake are my thoughts. I wish I could shut them out just for a while I’m so tired and I just need to rest… just for a little bit. I don’t understand people making jokes about depression, what’s funny about it? Did I miss the joke cause I’m not laughing. I’m so afraid of my thoughts that I won’t let anyone get close enough to me but how do I tell the person who wants to get to know me? People hurt People that’s a fact my mind is telling me so I’ll stay in the darkness of my thoughts and keep my distance It’s not healthy but at least I’m safe. I’ve been in the dark for so long that It has become my friend. I got some demons in my head they trying to trick me but that’s okay…. I’m used to it..

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 08

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted something up here, but I couldn’t write something I just didn’t have the energy. Let’s start with a Lyrics: 

I hope you miss me
I know you left but I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I hope you miss me I know you left
But I hope you won’t forget me
I really tried to be my best when you was with me
I really tried to be my best and it got tricky
I got some deep rooted issues in me
I got some deep rooted issues tryna fix this
I got some demons in my head they tryna trick me

I wonder why everyone around me leaves. Maybe it’s me, maybe something is wrong with me. That’s what I’m starting to believe. It must be me otherwise I can’t explain why people who mean the most to me are leaving me. Now I’m back at the dark place, lonley and no one there to help me out. I’m stuck again. My thoughts are circling me but the fact that I didn’t mean so much to you hurts. It hurts really bad. How can you end a friendship like ours just like that? Like.. I don’t know. We used to talk on the phone every damn day and now… nothing… Do you even think about me because I think about you a lot. You knew what I was going through and still you’ve decided to erase me out of your life… I guess I’m just not worth it. Everything seems hopeless, I don’t know what I should do and that’s driving crazy. I’m loosing my mind. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME… You were supposed to be the one who understands me but I was wrong how could you you fool me so much and bring me back in this position. How could this happen to me for the second time? Suddenly you told me I’m embarrassed. You don’t know what it feels like if someone says that someone who knows you’re already broken inside and fears to do something wrong in society. That’s why I have trust issues, but Ive choosed to give you a chance so It’s my fault again… that I’m lonely again… Like always…

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 07

It’s been a while since I wrote something about myself. I’m feeling really really miserable but let’s start from the beginning. I texted him how I’m really feeling, I told him everything about my depression everything i wrote down on My Mind | 03andMy Mind | 04 and he told me that he doesn’t hate me at all. He said the sound of my laugh is the best thing he heared and it’s stuck in his head. He said I shouldn’t think or feel bad about me all the time but it’s easier said than done. He offered me to talk to him anytime  if I’m feeling bad about myself again. This is great isn’t it? But why I’m thinking I don’t want to bother him? I mean what am I supposed to tell him if I’m feeling sad again or if my anxiety hits me again. Most of the time I don’t even know whats wrong with me… This weekend was pretty rough and I wish I could erase the day but I can’t. I did some REALLY bad things I don’t even wanna talk about it because it’s too much for me to handle. I drank too much I know alcohol isn’t an excuse and I hate it that the person which was involved put me in this position but who am I blaming it’s my fault again because I put myself in this position. I don’t even know what to think I just want the weekend to be gone. JUST GONE. 

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 05

Like i’ve already mentioned in one of my post I suffer from depression. I’m manic depressive. Today i’m not feeling any kind of sadness I’m more I don’t know how to say over-excited I feel like I can do everything and that’s where the scary part begins. While i’m going through this phase I spend a lot of money have so many ideas and things I wanna do at the same time. I drink too much and talk way too much but at this moment I don’t care. I prefer this phase more than the sad one cause nothing hurts inside of me. As soon as i want to do something which isn’t possible to do or if it don’t go like I want it, I’ll go insane and lost all controll over my emotion that’s why it’s better lo leave me alone. It kinda helps me writing down everything what’s going on in my head right now. It’s like a free therapy session you know but on the other side it’s not very helpful cause I’m talking to myself and keep on thinking. 

- a vision of ecstasy

My Mind | 03                                                                                                        

I’m so sad again. I don’t know how to keep you and the stuff I do away from my mind. It’s not like I want to think about you but every time your name pops up. I know it’s only human but I never learn. You’re hurting me, I’m hurting myself cause of the thoughts I have and you’re not helpful because you don’t do anything to prove me I’m wrong. How come everytime I ask you if you wanna meet you’re always busy but everytime I see a post where you’re hanging out with your guys? Correct me if I’m wrong but I think you don’t want to be my friend anymore, you’re just not the type of guy to say it in my face cause you know exactly how painful this would be for me so you just let me there with my thoughts but thats’s not better either. I just want to talk to you. I remeber how you would ask me if i wanna talk now and I regret it and I’m sorry.. I just wasn’t ready at the moment to tell you what’s going on with me but now I am and you don’t want to listen to me. It’s not easy to tell someone you’ve been seeing a psychologist, that you’re depressed, that you scared to open up to other people especially guys cause you have been sexually harassed it wasn’t that bad and nothing happened but that scares the crap out of me. Everytime I met a new guy I’m scared and I still don’t want to be touch by someone else unless I give them permission to. I’m still a virgin not because I’m waiting for the special one because I’m scared. Those were the things I wasn’t ready to tell you back in 2018. I know the things that happended to me are no excuses for the way I act around people while i’m high but I hope you understand that at this moment when my behavior changes I feel like I can escape my mind even if it’s only for a few hours. When I get sober I immediately regret everything I did and that is why I wanted to apologize to you bacause I did some pretty dumb shit with your friends it wasn’t that bad I just kissed a few of them and played with their feelings I know that’s not the girl you used to know and I know I’m not like that. I’m really trying my best to change those kind of behaving but it’s not easy cause I can’t promise you that if someone would offer me some drugs that i wouldn’t take it. People always say it’s easy just don’t take it but they will never understand that if you’re always been confronted by your own thoughts cause you’ve had a bad childhood cause of the things other people told you or because your own Mother beat your ass at the age of 6 years and told you at the age of 14/15 that nobodys ever gonna love you, how am I supposed to see the light at the end of the tunnel? so.. here is my answer YES if someone would offer me some drugs I would take it because at this moment you think this is your escape to happiness cause you don’t know anything else.

- a vision of ecstasy