if you loved me, why did you leave me?

a broken heart is the worst, it’s like having broken ribs, nobody can see it, but it hurts every time you breathe..

the pain of being alone is completely out of this world.

…don’t forget it YOU broke me first….

Cherry red tongue pressed against a lily pink tongue. Spinning in circular motions until our lips locked..

Locked inside of a beautiful hell

You tore my soul out of chest

My ribs could no longer protect it.

Will you ever come back and unlock me from this hell you trapped me in?

I can’t breathe.

Sapphire , ruby.

I want to cry sapphire blue tears , let them flow out of the deepest hole in my soul and then maybe I can inhale oxygen that feels as though it’s never been exhaled by another living creature. I want to laugh the color yellow and see the world in vibrant colors. But most importantly I want to feel loved because that is what my heart misses the most. Maybe feeling loved would be the oxygen my heart needs. He may make me smile the color yellow.

I want to say that I used to see the world in vibrant colors but ever since I was told that you never loved me everything looks a little fake. Ever since you, I’ve been trying to find something genuine so that these sapphire tears built up inside of me will instead turn into a ruby heart, that knows she is enough.. and that one day I will be loved.

My cherry lips miss your cotton skin

My dark eyes miss your dimpled smile.

Your new girl smells like soil, but I , I smell like roses.

Do you miss how deep my soul is?

You traded me for a girl that is too scared to howl at the moon.

I reach out for you every night but she has locked you down.

You’re too far under ground to grab my hand in the sky.

Come join me with one last dance in the dark, under the millions of stars that we fell in love under.

Does your cotton skin miss my cherry lips?

I don’t think her lips are quite red enough for you

She will never know the things that I know about you

What we had was rare, but you decided you wanted common

If you ever decide to come back to me

Just think about my touch and remember my smile

Your heart will lead you back to mine

You may have left, but your heart once loved mine

And that doesn’t just end

I’ll be where we once looked up at stars and laughed

Howl at the moon my love

And I will be

Waiting for you

My heart will always love yours.

Crater< galaxy

I swallowed a shooting star one night. I looked up to the sky and saw it. It was so beautiful. That I reached up and grabbed it. It tasted so sweet, but the after taste had an odd effect on my body. I prayed that it wasn’t laced with some sort of poison.

A few days after swallowing that star I was filled with such sweet happiness, nothing seemed to phase me. That star talked to me everyday and all night. It was so soothing.

It told me it loved me , but was that because it lived within my heart? Within my body?

Confused as to why it loved me so much, I in return said “I love you too”

That star inside of me really made me feel so alive. Every night before I fell asleep I could feel it hug me, and tell me it loved me. I grew to love it back, even more so.

A few months of this star living within me I noticed that I grew to look more tired, and tears seemed to line my eyes. Where’d my smile go?

I asked the star many times “why are you doing this to me if you love me?” But I was always the problem.

I eventually apologized to the star, for being myself. And then it would say something to make me smile again.

A few months were beautiful with that star, but then the next couple of months were depressing, and draining.

My mental thoughts were always second guessed and I didn’t feel as though I could live without this star.

“What if one day this star decides to go back to space?” So I asked the star to promise me it was never leaving and in return the star said “why would I ever leave someone that I love so much?” That answer made me feel a lot better. I was back to smiling again, tears no longer lined my eyes.

Until one rainy night my star decided it didn’t want to be in a warm place anymore , it wanted to be out in the rain, out in space again. So it left me out of the blue, leaving a huge crater in my chest.

I cried at many moons, pleading to send that star shooting across the sky again. But it never returned.

So for many months that crater in my chest grew bigger until one after another I collected small stars and started to create my own galaxy.

Every star in there made me smile when I felt like looking for the shooting star that left a crater within me.

Every star in there patched up a wound within me that my shooting star burnt into me.

That shooting star left a huge, ugly crater within me. But I came to realize that this is my body. So I made that crater a galaxy. A beautiful galaxy with hundreds of stars. Stars that never hurt me.

I wonder if that shooting star lives in another galaxy, or if it goes around leaving craters.

Regardless though, sometimes I wish to see it in my galaxy, just passing through.

A part of me wants to thank it for leaving this crater in my soul. I’ll turn this tragic love story of ours into something beautiful. I just wish that I never had to make a galaxy, I wish that there was never a crater left within me. Some nights I miss talking to that shooting star.

You buried our love six feet deep but I just laid our love to rest, because you made me.

I could sit here and write hundreds of pages about how much I loved you, I could sit here and write hundreds of pages about how much I missed you, I could sit here and write thousands of pages about how much you hurt me. But instead I am going to sit here and write to you, about how big of a mistake you made when you decided to take my heart and leave, and why the reasoning as to why you left me was so unbelievable I am afraid to love again. 

We dated for almost a year; even though it felt like I had known you my whole life. You stole my heart one cold December night, the best, yet now, the worst night of my life. You told me that you loved me fast into our relationship. And I believed you, because you sometimes would cry to me late at night about how lucky you were to have me and how you could not believe how much your heart loved mine. You kissed my lips with such passion that every other guys kiss feels like poison… Their lips are not yours. You would surprise me late at night picking me up and twirling me around in your uniform.. I always stayed missing you so much. I loved it when you came back home to me after being away for a long time. My heart craved yours everyday. You corrupted my middle name. You were the only one that every called me that. Now when I hear it I can hear your voice saying it. It was always at the end of “I love you”. Long story short, I have memories with you that will never leave my mind. I loved you, god how much I loved you. Yet, one day you called me and told me that I told you I love you too much.. I don’t know why that would make you no longer love me.. You told me that I was a “vicious cycle” because I constantly needed to be reminded that you were never leaving me.. Yet, you should have understood that I only would ask you that because I loved you so much I never wanted to live without you. You yelled at me because I loved you.. You no longer loved me because I loved you? Well the next morning I woke up expecting to see you, that maybe if we just talked in person and you hugged me that you would understand how much you truly do love me. Well you texted me the next morning telling me that you love me so much “I really love you”, though a few moments later you informed me that you haven’t loved me in nine months, that I know longer make you happy, and you couldn’t put up with me anymore, but my love, all I ever did was love you. All I ever did was love you, and wait until I could kiss your lips again. How can you cry about how much you loved me seven months into our relationship , yet you haven’t loved me in nine? Well my heart had to learn how to beat on its own again when you left, and it still isn’t back to its self, I miss that heart so much. It felt so warm, so loved. I found out a week after you left me that you already had another girlfriend and about how much you lied to me during our relationship. A part of me wonders why you left me for her, because well, you left me for her. You made the biggest mistake leaving me because nobody will ever love you as much as my soul loved yours. I truly hope that you realize that one day. But my heart wants to know , my heart craves to know every single day did you really never love me? Did you lie for 10 months about loving me? How did you do that? I know you loved me…I could tell, I swear that I could see the love you had for me in your eyes. I felt so much love from you. So did you really never love me? You held me when I cried and you swore you’d never leave me, yet you never loved me? I guess ill never know but that question will always haunt me. I really hope, I really hoped that you loved me. Because your love is what made me. And lastly though, my love, I am so sorry that I loved you so much it made you feel as though you had to leave,, I’ll never understand your reasoning. 

Now my heart will never trust that someone loves me. 

While I was walking hand in hand with another soul. You approached me, after shouting my name. My breathing became heavy because you murdered my heart nearly half a year ago. You proceeded to look into my eyes, once my favorite image. And speak to the guy, whose hand I was holding. You said to him “ I loved this girl with all of my heart and I still do, I was planning on marrying her one day but I did not think that I was making her as happy as I should have been so I left her for a girl that would not care anything about me, a girl that I could not hurt. I regretted losing her weeks after I made the biggest mistake of my life. I think about her everyday. So please take care of her heart and love her endlessly like I should have. Please love her for me There is no other girl out there like her, trust me I know.” and then you walked away. 

I miss you, again…

I just wish that I could go back in time, to the day that you loved me the most. I wanna be in your arms.

I crave to hold you, though I don’t even know you.

I wish I could feel your soft beautiful skin; hug you.

kiss your chubby cheeks and watch you sleep peacefully.

One day I will have you but until then I will just dream about you.

I love you so much already.

I may never love someone the way I loved you. My heart may always have a weird ache when I think of you. but it has been over 365 days without you, so I think it’s best if I say goodbye.

Goodbye, my beautiful misery.

P.S.

I’m writing this letter to you, so..

Hey, I’m not sure if you remember me, but I’m the girl you used to want to give your last name to.

How are you? I heard you have a new lover, she was even there while you and I were lovers. I still can’t believe you did that to me.

Anyways, I often dream about you. And trust me, it’s not like I want to. But I often wake up missing you. I really wish that’d stop.

Can you teach me how to lose feelings for somebody like you lost them for me?

I hate this pain. Have you ever felt it? I doubt you have , I feel as though your veins are numb to just about anything.

Which is why I hate to say this; but I miss you.

I miss you a whole bunch but I’m kind of getting used to this numbing pain.

P.S. do you ever think about me? I hope I stop loving you soon. & I also hate you for all this blue you filled my soul with. — your ex lover