A playlist that epitomizes my last few month

Cherry red tongue pressed against a lily pink tongue. Spinning in circular motions until our lips locked..

Locked inside of a beautiful hell

You tore my soul out of chest

My ribs could no longer protect it.

Will you ever come back and unlock me from this hell you trapped me in?

I can’t breathe.

Sapphire , ruby.

I want to cry sapphire blue tears , let them flow out of the deepest hole in my soul and then maybe I can inhale oxygen that feels as though it’s never been exhaled by another living creature. I want to laugh the color yellow and see the world in vibrant colors. But most importantly I want to feel loved because that is what my heart misses the most. Maybe feeling loved would be the oxygen my heart needs. He may make me smile the color yellow.

I want to say that I used to see the world in vibrant colors but ever since I was told that you never loved me everything looks a little fake. Ever since you, I’ve been trying to find something genuine so that these sapphire tears built up inside of me will instead turn into a ruby heart, that knows she is enough.. and that one day I will be loved.

What If

Thousands of years ago

The magic that lives inside of me

& inside of you

Lived within two different souls

That were soul mates

Yet one got taken away too soon

those two souls were never forever..

So every different generation that specific magic

In those two souls try to find each other

To die together & love each other for eternity

& maybe that is why we feel as though we’ve known each other forever

Our souls are familiar with one another

Too bad you and I no longer lay side by side

I wonder what souls this magic will possess next generation.

My cherry lips miss your cotton skin

My dark eyes miss your dimpled smile.

Your new girl smells like soil, but I , I smell like roses.

Do you miss how deep my soul is?

You traded me for a girl that is too scared to howl at the moon.

I reach out for you every night but she has locked you down.

You’re too far under ground to grab my hand in the sky.

Come join me with one last dance in the dark, under the millions of stars that we fell in love under.

Does your cotton skin miss my cherry lips?

I don’t think her lips are quite red enough for you

She will never know the things that I know about you

What we had was rare, but you decided you wanted common

If you ever decide to come back to me

Just think about my touch and remember my smile

Your heart will lead you back to mine

You may have left, but your heart once loved mine

And that doesn’t just end

I’ll be where we once looked up at stars and laughed

Howl at the moon my love

And I will be

Waiting for you

My heart will always love yours.

Crater< galaxy

I swallowed a shooting star one night. I looked up to the sky and saw it. It was so beautiful. That I reached up and grabbed it. It tasted so sweet, but the after taste had an odd effect on my body. I prayed that it wasn’t laced with some sort of poison.

A few days after swallowing that star I was filled with such sweet happiness, nothing seemed to phase me. That star talked to me everyday and all night. It was so soothing.

It told me it loved me , but was that because it lived within my heart? Within my body?

Confused as to why it loved me so much, I in return said “I love you too”

That star inside of me really made me feel so alive. Every night before I fell asleep I could feel it hug me, and tell me it loved me. I grew to love it back, even more so.

A few months of this star living within me I noticed that I grew to look more tired, and tears seemed to line my eyes. Where’d my smile go?

I asked the star many times “why are you doing this to me if you love me?” But I was always the problem.

I eventually apologized to the star, for being myself. And then it would say something to make me smile again.

A few months were beautiful with that star, but then the next couple of months were depressing, and draining.

My mental thoughts were always second guessed and I didn’t feel as though I could live without this star.

“What if one day this star decides to go back to space?” So I asked the star to promise me it was never leaving and in return the star said “why would I ever leave someone that I love so much?” That answer made me feel a lot better. I was back to smiling again, tears no longer lined my eyes.

Until one rainy night my star decided it didn’t want to be in a warm place anymore , it wanted to be out in the rain, out in space again. So it left me out of the blue, leaving a huge crater in my chest.

I cried at many moons, pleading to send that star shooting across the sky again. But it never returned.

So for many months that crater in my chest grew bigger until one after another I collected small stars and started to create my own galaxy.

Every star in there made me smile when I felt like looking for the shooting star that left a crater within me.

Every star in there patched up a wound within me that my shooting star burnt into me.

That shooting star left a huge, ugly crater within me. But I came to realize that this is my body. So I made that crater a galaxy. A beautiful galaxy with hundreds of stars. Stars that never hurt me.

I wonder if that shooting star lives in another galaxy, or if it goes around leaving craters.

Regardless though, sometimes I wish to see it in my galaxy, just passing through.

A part of me wants to thank it for leaving this crater in my soul. I’ll turn this tragic love story of ours into something beautiful. I just wish that I never had to make a galaxy, I wish that there was never a crater left within me. Some nights I miss talking to that shooting star.

You buried our love six feet deep but I just laid our love to rest, because you made me.

I hope that when you kiss her you taste my lips.

I hope that when you taste my lips you go to look at me,

Yet you won’t see me, you’ll see her.

And that will break your heart,

Then you’ll finally realize,

“Damn, I miss my baby”

I loved you, goodbye.

So, I talked to you yesterday. The reason as to how that happened I really don’t wanna write about. But I talked to you yesterday ..

I got to tell you how horrible you treated me, I got to tell you how much anger I have for you, I got to let out so much anger I had locked inside of my heart for months. Anger that made me cry, cry because I hated how much anger I possessed.

I got to tell you how horrible of a mistake you made. I got to tell you how much I loved you.

So I talked to you yesterday, and you apologized. “For everything” you said you were “sorry for ruining my life” but I informed you that you didn’t. You just taught me a lesson, never to fully trust someone.

So, I got to talk to you yesterday, and past all of the anger, you typed me two sentences that made me cry until my lungs hurt.

“I loved you” ,, it hurt my soul that the “ed” was added to the end of “love” and it hurt that you did at one point ,, yet you know longer do.

And then you typed

“Goodbye”. And god , oh God how that broke me. I wanted to hear you say that for months because you never did. But to read “goodbye” hit my with tons of emotions. You’re forever gone.. this is really the end.

I loved you, goodbye.

I could sit here and write hundreds of pages about how much I loved you, I could sit here and write hundreds of pages about how much I missed you, I could sit here and write thousands of pages about how much you hurt me. But instead I am going to sit here and write to you, about how big of a mistake you made when you decided to take my heart and leave, and why the reasoning as to why you left me was so unbelievable I am afraid to love again. 

We dated for almost a year; even though it felt like I had known you my whole life. You stole my heart one cold December night, the best, yet now, the worst night of my life. You told me that you loved me fast into our relationship. And I believed you, because you sometimes would cry to me late at night about how lucky you were to have me and how you could not believe how much your heart loved mine. You kissed my lips with such passion that every other guys kiss feels like poison… Their lips are not yours. You would surprise me late at night picking me up and twirling me around in your uniform.. I always stayed missing you so much. I loved it when you came back home to me after being away for a long time. My heart craved yours everyday. You corrupted my middle name. You were the only one that every called me that. Now when I hear it I can hear your voice saying it. It was always at the end of “I love you”. Long story short, I have memories with you that will never leave my mind. I loved you, god how much I loved you. Yet, one day you called me and told me that I told you I love you too much.. I don’t know why that would make you no longer love me.. You told me that I was a “vicious cycle” because I constantly needed to be reminded that you were never leaving me.. Yet, you should have understood that I only would ask you that because I loved you so much I never wanted to live without you. You yelled at me because I loved you.. You no longer loved me because I loved you? Well the next morning I woke up expecting to see you, that maybe if we just talked in person and you hugged me that you would understand how much you truly do love me. Well you texted me the next morning telling me that you love me so much “I really love you”, though a few moments later you informed me that you haven’t loved me in nine months, that I know longer make you happy, and you couldn’t put up with me anymore, but my love, all I ever did was love you. All I ever did was love you, and wait until I could kiss your lips again. How can you cry about how much you loved me seven months into our relationship , yet you haven’t loved me in nine? Well my heart had to learn how to beat on its own again when you left, and it still isn’t back to its self, I miss that heart so much. It felt so warm, so loved. I found out a week after you left me that you already had another girlfriend and about how much you lied to me during our relationship. A part of me wonders why you left me for her, because well, you left me for her. You made the biggest mistake leaving me because nobody will ever love you as much as my soul loved yours. I truly hope that you realize that one day. But my heart wants to know , my heart craves to know every single day did you really never love me? Did you lie for 10 months about loving me? How did you do that? I know you loved me…I could tell, I swear that I could see the love you had for me in your eyes. I felt so much love from you. So did you really never love me? You held me when I cried and you swore you’d never leave me, yet you never loved me? I guess ill never know but that question will always haunt me. I really hope, I really hoped that you loved me. Because your love is what made me. And lastly though, my love, I am so sorry that I loved you so much it made you feel as though you had to leave,, I’ll never understand your reasoning. 

Now my heart will never trust that someone loves me. 

Come back to my heart, it is home sick.

I think that you haunted my sheets because every time I lay down I smell you and every time I try to sleep I dream of you. Sometimes I wake up thinking that you are next to me, but then I realize that you have not kept me warm at night in 10 weeks. You promised me forever, yet here I am alone. Did you find another girl named Lauren that you “love” all  throughout your bones?

sometimes i wish you were dead.

gone, in a cold black hole.

6 feet under, trapped.

trapped like me.

i am trapped inside the pain you caused me, leaving me alone in the cold. ripped half of my soul away from me. left me with the worst of me.

Dear future lover,

Please be patient with me. I am fragile and scarred from a love I once felt so deep , that my bones got branded with the initial of his name. You may have to cause an avalanche in order to break my wall down, but please don’t give up on me.

I have always loved with all of me , but for the past year I have made myself not love , in fear of losing another person… in fear of dying from heartache.

When I smile at you just know that my heart is warming up to yours. And when I ask you how you are just know that I truly care. it’s just going to take some time for me to allow myself to be vulnerable again. I’m so afraid to fall in love and be ripped to shreds, i’m so afraid to feel worthless again.

Dear future lover, please don’t hurt me, please don’t use me, please show me that I am capable of being loved.

Please

and I promise that I will love you like i’ve never been hurt before.

Moss.

Let’s envision a tree,

A beautiful tree with hanging moss.

Except, that moss hanging off of those beautiful branches symbolizes all of the hurt you have been through.

Would your tree be full? Covered in wilting branches , not being able to take the weight of that moss?

So envision your tree, you were born with it free of moss, just clean, green branches.

Now tell your tree of your happiest times.

It’s leafs grew brighter.

Now, tell your tree what made you who you are today. Heartache, the most devastating form of growing as a person.

After all, that is all that this tree cares to hear about.

Nobody is perfect.

“As I sit here in front of you, I’m going to start off by saying that I have never been good at saying goodbye and my heart breaks at the thought of me no longer being close to who I am currently close to today. I love deeply , and I sometimes think that is my biggest down fall. I have loved people so deep that my bones ache, and the blood in my veins send electric waves to my heart. I have hated, but I’ve never hated someone more than I have loved someone. I honestly do not hate people. I try to see the good in everyone. Maybe that’s because after losing a part of myself , I know that you never truly know what someone else is going through. Losing a part of myself, you may ask. Means I chose to love the wrong soul. I let him take the best of me. Or was it the worst? I’m not sure. All I know, is that it took me a very long time to look into the mirror and see a reflection of a girl that is worthy of love. It took me a very long time to look into the mirror and smile , and say “you are okay” because, even after all of the heartache my heart had to bare. It didn’t give up on me. And I love myself so much for taking me out of the dark place my heart was once thrown in. So yes, I love, that may be one of the only things I am truly good at. I have had to learn to accept the fact that there will always be bumps in the road and that not everyday is a good day. I’ve had to learn how to love myself. Love is what makes life. The most important thing I have learned though, is to love yourself. And I don’t mean your body, but your soul. Where I once saw grey, I now see purple, and I really hope others do too. Life is so short to live broken hearted. Find something that makes you happy. Even if it terrifies you to do so.”

After you got done telling the branches of that tree how you truly felt, the moss grew , and it grew.

It covered every branch,

But it looked so beautiful.

A tree that has lived, it doesn’t look perfect on the outside.

Because the inside of it finally holds the branches truth.

That tree, your tree. It is perfectly imperfect.

The moss hanging off of your limbs look so beautiful, that strangers randomly stop by to capture how the leaves sway in the wind on their camera.

That moss is beautiful.

You are beautiful.

And life too, is beautiful.

P.S.

I’m writing this letter to you, so..

Hey, I’m not sure if you remember me, but I’m the girl you used to want to give your last name to.

How are you? I heard you have a new lover, she was even there while you and I were lovers. I still can’t believe you did that to me.

Anyways, I often dream about you. And trust me, it’s not like I want to. But I often wake up missing you. I really wish that’d stop.

Can you teach me how to lose feelings for somebody like you lost them for me?

I hate this pain. Have you ever felt it? I doubt you have , I feel as though your veins are numb to just about anything.

Which is why I hate to say this; but I miss you.

I miss you a whole bunch but I’m kind of getting used to this numbing pain.

P.S. do you ever think about me? I hope I stop loving you soon. & I also hate you for all this blue you filled my soul with. — your ex lover

I had to learn how to breathe

And how to smile

Without you.

Liquor tainted my veins

Leaving the memories of you very vague

Yet one night I woke up screaming your name

My throat was so tight , you were nowhere in sight

That’s when I realized that my lover lied

And my heart was slowly commiting suicide

I can now say that I am okay, but I miss you in the oddest ways

Is she everything that you thought she’d be?

Do you love her more than you loved me?

You were the cloud and I was the rain

My love was too heavy for your soul to maintain.