[The following contains explicit instructions on how to masturbate. Reader discretion is advised.]
Why talk about this? Most school-age sex ed resources steer far clear of the specifics. Many aces avoid the kinds of sexual conversations with friends that might talk about it, and aren’t driven to the kinds of personal experimentation that can lead to its discovery. Later on, most adult sex ed resources skip the basics, assuming that you’ve already figured it out, and the ones that don’t are usually too allocentric to be of much use. That leaves a large knowledge gap which many aces fall into. This aims to help fill in that gap for the curious.
Before we begin, there’s no “right way” to do it. There’s no defined procedure you must follow. Masturbation is personal and individual. What works well for one person may not work for another. What will be described here is just one possible way to do it, but not the only way. There’s no guarantee these steps will work for you, and you will almost certainly have to try more than once to get any results in any case. Please experiment and alter these instructions as you wish, and don’t be embarrassed to ask for clarification or an alternate technique.
And remember: You don’t have to masturbate if you don’t want to. Try it if you’re curious, but if you decide that it’s not for you, that’s perfectly all right. Don’t force yourself to do something you hate.
Okay, let’s get started…
Find a place to masturbate. Typically, this is a comfortable place and somewhere you have a reasonable expectation of privacy (and a lockable door). If you are not alone, be sure that you have the consent of everyone else around. Common places to masturbate include a bed or a shower.
Grab a towel. I’ll explain later. (Unless you’re in the shower or bathtub. You don’t need a towel there and if you grab one, you’ll just end up with a useless wet towel.)
Determine what is in your pants. Normally that doesn’t matter, but here, the technique described will vary widely depending on the type of anatomy you have. If you have a tube like thing and some dangly bits, follow the instructions marked “penis”. If you have a bunch of folds of skin, follow the instructions marked “vulva”. Not everyone will fit exactly into these two categories, so pick whichever’s closest or mix and match from both sets as appropriate.
Vulva:
Sit or lay on the towel. I’ll explain why later.
Find your clitoris. If you don’t know where it is, reach down to your vulva (that place with the flaps and folds mentioned earlier), and feel around for a nubby thing in the front, where the labia (the name for the flaps of skin) come together in a V. It’s in the area where you pee from, towards the front. It’s covered by a small hood. Some people recommend looking at that area in a mirror to get a sense of how it’s all arranged.
Begin rubbing your clitoris or the area around it. There are a lot of ways to do this, and you will need to experiment with a technique to figure out what works for you. For each method, you can vary the speed and pressure.
Here are some examples:
Moving fingers in small circles while pressing on the clitoris.
Run their fingers up and down alongside the clitoris, squeezing it from the side.
Pull the hood up and down, sliding it against the clitoris.
Press palm or heel of hand against the clitoris and move around.
Some people don’t use their hands at all, and instead press their vulva against a pillow and rock back and forth.
Some people find direct clitoral stimulation to be uncomfortable or intense. Rubbing the clitoris through clothing or a soft towel can help lessen the intensity of the stimulation and make the experience more tolerable.
Continue rubbing your clitoris with your hand. When you first start out, you may not feel much. It can take time for the sensations to build. If nothing seems to be happening after a while, try a different technique, or alter the speed or pressure of the stimulation.
If the rubbing begins to feel irritating, lubrication may be helpful to reduce friction. Your vagina may be producing natural lubrication during this process, and it is conveniently located near the clitoris. If you do not wish to use that, or if you do not have enough vaginal lubrication to use, some people use saliva, or KY Jelly or other safe lube for that area. For some people, certain kinds of lube can cause irritation or burning in certain areas and they’re best to be avoided.
At some point, if you’re on the right track, the sensations down there should begin to change. For many people, these sensations are pleasurable. Some people may experience some sensations they describe as tingly, warm, full, or like there’s building pressure, like you have to pee (But don’t worry, you probably won’t).
Now that you have the hang of it, continue until “done”. Done can mean that you’ve had one or more orgasms, or that you’ve gotten sore or tired, or have lost interest, or you’ve run out of time, or whatever else you consider to be “done”. “Done” is what you make it, there’s no one “right” way to finish.
Throughout this process, it’s possible that your vulva has gotten rather wet. If it did, that’s normal, if it didn’t, that’s normal too. The towel you’ve been sitting on may have caught some of this fluid. If you need to wipe off your genitals or your hand, you may use the towel to do so.
Now go wash your hands.
Congratulations, you have just masturbated!
Penis:
You will need to have an erection to proceed. If you do not already have one, you can usually get one by touching or rubbing or pulling or squeezing your penis (that’s the tube thing, the bit that most people who have one use to pee) and/or rubbing your testicles. Start gentle and increase until it starts working. If you get too rough, you may hurt yourself and this’ll be over. For some people, thinking “sexy thoughts” may work, although that tends to be less successful among asexual people. You will know when your erection is hard enough to continue when your penis holds its shape and stands on its own, rather than flopping down limply immediately, like it usually would.
Wrap your hand around your penis as if you’re holding a small bottle or a door handle or something. It doesn’t matter which hand you use. You palm and fingers should curve around it, and your thumb should try to close the circle on the other side. Variations in hand size and penis size mean that you may not be able to fully enclose your penis with your hand. Just cover as much as you can and it’ll work out.
Begin moving your hand up and down the penis in a smooth motion. You’ll probably want to squeeze it slightly. Enough that you can feel it, but probably not so much that it feels like you’re going to pull the thing off. The skin of the penis may slide with your hand as you stroke.
For some people (especially circumcised people), the skin sliding may not be enough. In that case, using lube is strongly recommended. This will lower the friction and allow your hand to slide along the skin. Your penis may supply some natural lubricant itself, but it often won’t be enough. Hand lotion, Vaseline, and baby oil are common lubes that you may already have in your house. (Just don’t use those with condoms, but that’s for another time…) Saliva may also work. Water, although it can make things slippery, does not work as a good lube in this case, as it will simply increase skin to skin friction. Start with a small amount of lube and add more as needed.
Continue stroking your penis with your hand. The stimulation you provide should be keeping your erection going. When you first start out, you may not feel much. It can take time for the sensations to build. If nothing seems to be happening after a while, or if you begin to lose the erection, try altering your speed, pressure, stroke length, amount of lube, etc.
At some point, if you’re on the right track, the sensations down there should begin to change. For many people, these sensations are pleasurable. Some people may experience some sensations they describe as tingly, warm, full, or like there’s building pressure, like you have to pee.
Now that you have the hang of it, continue until “done”. Done can mean that you’ve had one or more orgasms and/or ejaculations, or that you’ve gotten sore or tired, or have lost interest, or you’ve run out of time, or whatever else you consider to be “done”. “Done” is what you make it, there’s no one “right” way to finish.
This is where you use the towel. Wipe off your genitals, wipe off your hand, and, if you ejaculated as part of this, wipe up the semen.
Now go wash your hands.
Congratulations, you have just masturbated!
Conclusion:
As I mentioned at the start, this example gave just one way to masturbate. There are countless other ways to do it, so if this didn’t work, you can try some of those. Also, if you don’t like something about the process, there may be a different way to masturbate that doesn’t involve that. For instance, if you find direct genital contact off-putting, you can use a toy or do it through clothing. If you don’t like the various fluids involved, you can use a barrier like a glove, condom, or dam, or you can do it in the shower or bath where the fluids are immediately washed away. Feel free to ask if you want to know more about other techniques.
These examples focused on the clitoris and the penis pretty much exclusively. This was done because these organs are often the most sensitive and responsive, and many people find stimulating them to be quite effective. However, they’re not the only areas of the body that people stimulate while masturbating. Other sensitive areas include the nipples, neck, vagina, testicles, thighs, and anus. If you have a vagina, there is a sensitive section of the front wall called the G-spot that many people find pleasurable to stimulate. If you have a penis, there is a sensitive organ that can be stimulated through the front wall of the rectum called the prostate that many people find pleasurable to stimulate.
And as always, the ask box is open and accepts anonymous posts! If you have any questions or comments, please send them in. Don’t let embarrassment stand in the way of knowledge. If you’re thinking it, someone else probably is, too! You can also share your tips and techniques here, if you have something that works better for you that others should know about. And finally, if I got something wrong or missed an important step, please let me know!
If you’re new to dating/having sex with trans people, it’s incredibly important to be respectful when referring to trans people’s bodies as, for a lot of trans people, their bodies will be a huge area of dysphoria. Here are some tips.
Not everyone gets dysphoria about everything, all the time: in particular, if someone tells you they’re trans it doesn’t necessarily mean they are striving to have bottom surgery (genital surgery) and to assume so can be very upsetting because there are a number of complex reasons why someone might not get/might not want to get bottom surgery. Genitals aren’t the base reason we are trans.
When talking about a trans person’s body, don’t use “female” and “male” to refer to their sexual organs. It works when labelling plants, but for people it’s best to steer clear of these.
Terms like “afab”/“amab”/“ftm”/“mtf” can be upsetting to a lot of trans people. So always find out what someone prefer to use for themselves and if you’re unsure - consider if you even need to mention it??
Let your partner take the lead at conversation when it comes to body parts. As trans people we are all too used to being made to feel like freak shows or research projects. If you let your partner know they can trust you and be open with you, if they want to have sex with you they will let you know what you can/can’t touch and the preferred terms they use for body parts.
Don’t be surprised if a trans person finds it a turn-on for you to use gender-affirming language in regards to sex. We are not fetishing being trans. This is especially relevant to trans people who do not pass as often people think this is the case. In reality, often the comfort of knowing someone respects us is the turn on. And consider that even cis guys will get turned on by someone talking about their hard cock, that if you use that language for a trans person it’s reasonable to expect the same response if that’s how they identify their genitalia.
it would be a real buzz kill to stop your partner right in the middle of it tho, if you cant handle it all the way at least help them to finish off as well, you should be nice and care for their needs as well as yours right? c:
Hi, that’s a problematic thing to say.
To stop because you’re uncomfortable during sex isn’t being a “buzz kill.”
If you’re uncomfortable to the point of wanting sex to stop, that doesn’t mean you have an obligation to “finish” your partner. Never.
It means you stop. Period.
The only “obligation” you have in the bedroom is to act consensual and with respect.
If you’re new to dating/having sex with trans people, it’s incredibly important to be respectful when referring to trans people’s bodies as, for a lot of trans people, their bodies will be a huge area of dysphoria. Here are some tips.
Not everyone gets dysphoria about everything, all the time: in particular, if someone tells you they’re trans it doesn’t necessarily mean they are striving to have bottom surgery (genital surgery) and to assume so can be very upsetting because there are a number of complex reasons why someone might not get/might not want to get bottom surgery. Genitals aren’t the base reason we are trans.
When talking about a trans person’s body, don’t use “female” and “male” to refer to their sexual organs. It works when labelling plants, but for people it’s best to steer clear of these.
Terms like “afab”/“amab”/“ftm”/“mtf” can be upsetting to a lot of trans people. So always find out what someone prefer to use for themselves and if you’re unsure - consider if you even need to mention it??
Let your partner take the lead at conversation when it comes to body parts. As trans people we are all too used to being made to feel like freak shows or research projects. If you let your partner know they can trust you and be open with you, if they want to have sex with you they will let you know what you can/can’t touch and the preferred terms they use for body parts.
Don’t be surprised if a trans person finds it a turn-on for you to use gender-affirming language in regards to sex. We are not fetishing being trans. This is especially relevant to trans people who do not pass as often people think this is the case. In reality, often the comfort of knowing someone respects us is the turn on. And consider that even cis guys will get turned on by someone talking about their hard cock, that if you use that language for a trans person it’s reasonable to expect the same response if that’s how they identify their genitalia.
I am a firm believer that consent education starting from a young age could directly lessen the amounts of rapes and sexual assaults.
We teach people not to rape. At least we say we do… We say “don’t rape” and then the media tells them that a rapist is a scary man jumping from the bushes.
We don’t teach people to get consent. That consent isn’t the absence of a no but the presence of an enthusiastic and informed yes.
You can ask someone if they raped someone and they’ll say no. But ask them if they got consent? They also will say no.
And it’s the same damn thing.
So, being the parent of a youngish kid, I think about this a lot.
His natural tendency is to completely override my boundaries. I started working on this by not letting him twiddle the other damn nipple while he was nursing. People who’ve breastfed know what I mean here. This is normal baby behavior across mammalian species–they root, kneed, pound, pinch, twiddle, twist and we put up with it for a while because it helps the feeding go faster and then when it hits a certain point, it’s too much and tigers actually start cuffing their young away from the tit because they are So Done with the damn claws.
Being a human who doesn’t like hitting, I put barriers in the way that made it very hard for him to do that, but eventually we had to have Talks about Bodily Autonomy. It took a while for him to stop, but he did, eventually stop.
Now, the lesson comes from tickling. I don’t just grab him and tickle him. I say, “Can I tickle you?”
And he will say, “Yes!” and then I tickle him and when he says “Stop!” I stop right away because this IS NOT about tickling him, it’s about teaching him that he has control over what happens to his body and that people will stop when he sets limits. And if he says, “No!” I say, “Okay.”
And sometimes he says stop, and then a few minutes later he says, “Tickle me now!”
We’re working on interrupting, too, because that’s super duper important to being respectful. He is learning to put a hand on my forearm when he wants to get a word in (at my request) rather than speaking over or demanding my attention when I’m in the middle of talking to someone else. Hand on my arm means that as soon as I find a natural pause in the conversation, I’ll say, “Okay, kiddo, your turn, what’s up?”
It’s just a process, one step at a time, tackling each part of it. The goal is to raise a child who feels 100% comfortable setting boundaries about their own body, without overrunning other people’s. He’s five, so we’re not talking about much in the way of complex dynamics like dating or whatnot, but he’s starting to ask questions about babies and he gets the answers he needs to the questions he asks. (I don’t have to explain sex to a five year old to answer the question, “Did I come out your mouth when I lived in your tummy?” I figure I’ve got a year before he does what my eldest did and says, “I know how the baby grows in the tummy and the umbilical cord and placenta and how it gets born and all that, but how does it get IN there?”
This is all sex and consent ed. It started when he was a year and a half old, stopping him from pinching my damn nipples (most babies try to do this as soon as they have the motor coordination to do so). And stopping him from sticking his hand down my shirt when he was 4 and no longer nursing. And walking away when he tried to hit me, and insisting that he knock on the frigging bathroom door rather than bursting in like the goddamn Kool Aid man when I’m shitting. (I have less hope on this one, my 12 year old still does it.)
It’s not letting it slide if he spouts up that boys are better than girls because some wee little asshole said so in kindergarten. (Seriously, I question wtf they are being taught at home.) It’s teaching him that if he sees injustice, it’s important to speak up.
And it’s NOT easy. Five year olds are walking entitlement sponges. Like, no, kid, you don’t get literally everything just because you want it. That’s not how any of this works. But you can see things start to sink in, because I think people want to feel like they’re doing the right thing, and so yeah, he is paying attention.
And I’m trying to set up a dynamic where he feels safe telling me anything. You know how parents talk about getting one word answers about how school was? I get BOOKS worth of narrative from this kid.
It is not fast, it is not instant, and it requires daily work on the ideas of bodily autonomy. And the first step in teaching him about consent is teaching him how it feels to have control over what happens to his body. One day he lets me tickle him, another day he doesn’t, and I don’t make a stink or try to persuade him either way. It’s amazing… kids actually like being tickled if they have CONTROL. Violate that control once, and you’re done forever.
“how to be a mommy, by @Jenroses” is a book I would recommend once Jenrose gets around to writing it. :)
There’s a damn fine book out there by AK Press about this very subject, if anyone’s interested. It’s also half off rn.
Almost every night, I ask my daughter if I can kiss her good night, and she almost always says no. I always respect her choice.
Last night I asked my son, and he said, “no good night hug. Good night fist bump.” So that’s what we did.
My daughter was super iffy about some of the characters at Disney world this past week. We always assured her that it was her choice about whether she wanted to go hug a character or not.
This! My experiences raising my son are similar to those presented. Teaching bodily autonomy early works!
To start, please note that these might also be relevant to cis women who use strap-ons and I don’t intend for this advice to be exclusionary and anybody can take it and use it. But due to this being a trans guy sex advice blog I will be using language to direct it at trans guys and trans masculine people.
A few bits of advice for people starting out with strap-ons (particularly those with no t-growth)
If using a harness, keep it tight. You’ll lose control if it loosens so don’t be afraid to check the straps as you go. Your partner probably won’t even notice.
Depending on your body shape, try different angles for the strap-on itself. Try out the strap-on solo to see how it fits you and get used to it to gain confidence before introducing it to a partner.
Some guys need more mental stimulation to compliment the physical sensations. It’s a good idea to communicate with your partner before and during sex.
If you are finding a lack of sensation (i.e. rubbing), consider using a tingling/cooling/warming lube on your clit/t-dick/growth to increase what you can feel.
If you’re a larger guy or have a bit of fat on your pelvic area sometimes this can get pushed down over your clit/t-dick/growth and reduce sensation, it can be a good idea to pull it up and tighten your harness if this happens.
Remember that regardless of the dildo size your own dick will be smaller so don’t stick with big movements that work best for a big dick. Often smaller movements have more affect for a smaller dick. Find out what works for your body.
Also try to keep movements smaller (and harder if you both like), because it’s easy to slip out.
If using a strap-on for anal - go crazy with lube! Most toys are made of silicone or other materials that are smoother and easier to insert than flesh penises but they still need a lot of lubrication to ensure a good fun time.
Discuss areas of dysphoria with your partner. Do you want them to talk about the strap-on as though it is your penis? Do you want them to touch/avoid other parts of your body when you are topping? What affirming language would you like them to use?
Be clear on hygiene. Wash your penis every time you have sex. It’s a good idea to keep wipes handy to give it a quick wash before after-sex cuddles, but give it a proper wash according to instructions later (or email the supplier for advice). Especially if using toys for anal use and doubly so if you are using the same toy for anal and vaginal sex.
Consider condoms to ease cleaning or, again, if using a toy for both anal and vaginal sex consider using condoms for one of them because you don’t want them butt germs getting in a vagina it’s not fun. Condoms with special traits such as ribs/dots or warming/tingling lube are also great.
ABOVE ALL - always try to be as open with your partner as you can about your desires and your needs. If they aren’t willing to listen then I’m willing to bet that it’s not worth having sex with them.
ALSO - sexual interest change. Just because you liked/didn’t like something at some point doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Keeping communication open with your partner means you can try and retry things as you both feel comfortable.
And AS ALWAYS - don’t let anybody tell you how you “should” have sex. Some trans guys top, some bottom, some are verse. Some receive anal or give anal, some don’t like it. Don’t feel as though just because you’re transgender that you have to fulfill any role sexually that you are not comfortable with. Don’t let anybody tell you you are any less trans/gay/straight because of how you have sex. You do you folks.
We all know what erectile dysfunction is but literally no one is ever taught what vaginismus is and it can cause people to feel extremely lost, broken, and cause people to take their own lives.
Raise. Awareness.
For the uninformed, vaginismus is when the vagina painfully tightens and spasms when faced with pressure, usually from anything trying to insert into the vagina. It’s the reason I can’t wear tampons, and why many people can’t have vaginal sex without severe pain.
There’s not a lot of treatments, and there isn’t a single one that is for vaginismus exclusively - they’re all medications or treatments to treat symptoms, but not the causes. In fact, for a long time doctors waved off vaginismus as a purely psychological disorder in cis women.
Seriously, this is so unaddressed and uncared for in medical circles. Please spread awareness, even if all it’s for is to let those who have it but don’t have a name for it finally be able to understand what’s happening to their bodies.
We support comprehensive and age appropriate sex education, but we do NOT support teaching CHILDREN to use PORNOGRAPHY or ILLEGAL DRUGS, like this “adolescent sexuality conference” does! ~~
[KOIN] — While there was a session on learning how to put on a condom and make a dental dam, a workshop where the speaker brought students to a porn website and taught them to program virtual women really upset the student.
“When you press a certain command, it tells her to perform various sexual acts, um, and so that was very disturbing,” she said.
Audio of keynote speaker Silverberg giving detailed directions on how to make an avatar for virtual sex.
“You can program her to do whatever you want to say, if you don’t want to say, ‘give me a blow job or something,” said Silverberg. […]
“All kinds of speakers about Internet porn, using Internet sex toys, using meth as is shown in this book for when you’re engaging in sex. It encourages using meth because it helps your sexual drive and what not in here,” said Maloney. “It says in this booklet that was handed out and given out to all young people.”
——————–
~~ Yikes! Very disturbing, don’t you think?? No wonder we have a problem with epidemic pornography use, abuse, and addiction (both of porn and drugs) — if even EDUCATORS are mainstreaming porn and drugs by endorsing them to TEENS! Note that this conference is being partially paid for by tax-payer dollars. 0-0!
READ THE FULL ARTICLE, AND MAKE SURE TO WATCH THE VERY INFORMATIVE (BUT UNSETTLING) VIDEO AT THE LINK AS WELL:
genuinely so fucking tired of people leveraging the “groomer” argument against people who support sex ed because scientific literature over decades shows that comprehensive sex education starting around kindergarten actually prevents children from being sexually abused and groomed because it teaches children the correct words for their body parts and also teaches them concepts of privacy, personal space, bodily autonomy, the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, and the fact that sex is something that only adults do. children with this knowledge are not only better equipped to identify abuse and predatory behavior and communicate that its happening to a trusted adult, but also prevent it from happening in the first place by recognizing when something is happening that shouldn’t.
sex education does not sexualize children, it prevents children from being sexualized. anyone who is against early foundational sex education and claims they are doing it to protect children is a fucking liar.
This This This This This This This This one hundred times THIS. This needs to be said over and over and over again. I believe in Jesus. I love God. AND I LOVE KIDS. And I would literally fucking die before allowing my precious children to go out into the hell on earth we live in now and face predators without every single weapon in my arsenal. Specifically:
Knowing about their bodies EMPOWERS children.
Knowing about consent EMPOWERS children.
Knowing what’s typical and what’s special when it comes to their development is EMPOWERING and equips children to become teens and adults who SUPPORT their peers who aren’t straight and cis.
Knowing exactly what is appropriate and what is not between an adult and child EMPOWERS children.
Knowing that they are not bad because something inappropriate felt good EMPOWERS children and SAVES THEM from trying to weather continued abuse because they are afraid or ashamed about their confusion.
Knowing that no matter what, consent is theirs and theirs alone to give or withdraw and that they have a safe adult to talk to EMPOWERS children to sound the alarm before abuse progresses.
Knowledge is power. Information is power. Without it, children are literally powerless.
And I don’t see these people volunteering to accompany their children everywhere they go to personally protect them.
Anyone who would withhold lifesaving and empowering information from innocent children … who would take their power and words and force them to go defenceless into the world literally would prefer children be abused. They are literally saying children deserve to be made victims.
There’s this activity in Adult OWL I’m scrapping. It’s a guided imagery meditation type thing where we have them go through situations imagining that heterosexuals are the oppressed group
1. it assumes all of our students are straight and
2. I kind of hate the whole “i can only empathize if I imagine how it’d be if I were oppressed”
What are some good videos that hit the emotions that can help people understand being LGBT+?
What do you feel needs to be taught to adults as far as sexuality education? This includes taking care of yourself as you age, updating you on current STI and pregnancy prevention, and talking about healthy relationships. What are specific questions you have? What are topics you feel would be important to address?
Not even joking, y'all, Scarleteen is an amazing resource that deserves attention and (if you’ve got the cash for it) donations so they can keep providing thorough education about sex, consent, relationships, etc to folks of all ages who need it.
Here’s a rundown of their general policy, from literally the first article I clicked on just now:
As you might be getting from that, they’re pretty intersex inclusive, too. Here’s a sample of something that’s a little more directly about sex-specific stuff in case you’re thinking “well but they said that was just about pleasure tho”:
They have a lot of sections on their site, but number two is Gender:
“That’s probably just like hetero gender dynamics stuff tho…” Nay nay! Here’s a few of the articles from the first page of their “Gender” section:
Scarleteen was a huge help to me as a trans person. They have a live chat that has sex-ed type folks giving real-time answers, and even just the staff+volunteers who happened to be attending to the live chat were able to help me with weird niche trans problems - a decade ago, when trans people, it seemed, damn near didn’t exist. They are EFFING AWESOME and want to help you!!!!
