Is this my trauma?

I was up at 3 in the morning after a heavy conversation with my best, pouring forth my unfiltered thoughts and gutting my heart on paper the stream of consciousness of a deaf, black male who has to balance those two predominant spheres (along with being queer) while battling the never ending introspective thoughts that constantly make me question my self worth and whether or not my friends are REALLY my friends, or just people who pity me and are being polite while I misread all of their cues and tones, all the while addressing the fact that I have avoided confronting the real issue that my disability is an obstacle when it comes to building genuine (ergo, romantic) relationships, while people won’t actually SAY it….we all know it’s there, and it’s great that I’m like this “AMAZINGWONDERFULGENUINETALENTEDFUNNY” guy, but I’m still “too deaf,” “too black,” “too intimidating.” And internalizing THIS message, this stream of consciousness, in a way that people cannot look at me and go, “Nah, you’re being a #paranoidminority” or “you’re #attentionseeking and #playingthevictim” because we are often taught that our experiences are invalid. That it’s all in our heads. But it’s me holding up a portrait of myself that contains fragments belonging to different places while not fully belonging anywhere.

I’m not asking for pity or your opinion. There isn’t a right or wrong. It’s just me. My experiences as the results of biology and fucked up circumstances and being a clusterfuck of star stuff.

Yeah that’s my headspace.

So I’m not sure what happen but I’m so bummed that old tags that use to be seen with tag reader are missing some of the older tags. I was going back through some of my likes that I saved becuase I really enjoyed the tags people wrote and only seeing the first 3-4 makes me sad :(

La vida se nos impone como un deber y si nos atrevemos a no cumplirla se nos castiga. ¿En qué punto comienza a ser dañina una obligación y cuándo es saludable cumplir con lo establecido?

—Esu Emmanuel©️,Life is imposed on us as a duty and if we dare not fulfill it we are punished. At what point does an obligation begin to be harmful and when is it healthy to comply?

Yo tomo las decisiones, pero el Universo es el que se encarga de guiar mis pasos a través del camino. Entonces, ¿es el destino o son mis decisiones lo que construye mi vida? Porque bien puedo decidir no hacer algo y negarme rotundamente a ello. Sin embargo, la vida, el destino o el universo (como sea que se le quiera llamar) impone Sus designios sobre mis condiciones, orillándome a ceder. Al final, mis decisiones son el resultado de lo que el Universo dispone y, me guste o no, debo aceptarlo. ¿Dónde queda el libre albedrío? ¿Realmente existe o es solo una ilusión? En fin, preguntas que me llegan de repente a la cabeza en momentos cruciales de mi vida.

—Esu Emmanuel©️,I make the decisions, but the Universe is in charge of guiding my steps along the way. So, is it destiny or is it my decisions that build my life? Because I may well decide not to do something and flatly refuse to do it. However, life, destiny or the universe (whatever you want to call it) imposes its designs on my conditions, forcing me to give in. In the end, my decisions are the result of what the Universe disposes and, whether I like it or not, I must accept it. Where is free will? Does it really exist or is it just an illusion? In short, questions that suddenly come to my mind at crucial moments in my life.

Are scars suppose to be comforting ? Because every time I look at my arms and trace the light bumpy skin that doesn’t fit the rest, I have this odd sensation that I will get trough whatever I am going trough and that I will be okay. And it’s weird because people might think that those scars are ugly (yes I can see why) but to me they resemble hope in an ironic way. We made it this far haven’t we ?

How would you guys feel about me drawing something that pushed me out of my comfort zone and was more NSFW? (This is for a specific project, not for my main portfolio, but I’m still curious what the reaction would be!)

Unable to upgrade it to great, because I’m not getting my dick sucked after.

Jujutsu Kaisen 0 Opening Night tonight and boy, it was GOOD. Like, reallygood! Easily a 7.5/10 even if you went in there a n00b who was just curious about the hype of this movie that broke box office records in Japan. Would seriously consider a round two, preferably at a cinema that is giving out posters for general screening because I really want one now; that’s kind of ½ of the whole point of watching anime on the big screen, you know?   

There’s not much to spoil if one has already read the manga, but as expected, Mappa brings out the goods and does it well - action-packed manga genre is still best enjoyed animated, I’m just saying! It does get me all fired me up to want to re-read the manga again for sure, and the story doesn’t even revolve around a character we get to see in the main story until Chapter 137! But I get it now why he’s got fans… (I actually have more questions about what happened to Yuta between this timeline and how he’s now like thatin the Culling Game arc, but that’s for the main story to answer, I guess . To the manga!) 

Free! the Final Stroke finally made it to my local theatre and they even have posters!!

I haven’t watched many KyoAni shows for awhile now that I’ve almostforgotten how very fanservice-y this series is… however, I am pleased to report they’ve got the amount just right this time, where they established more bonds among characters that have yet to bond, and fed all the ships that can possibly be shipped without being excessively pandering (*koff* Looking at you, Dive to the Future *koff* ). 

Main spoilers aside, my favourite parts, definitely location cameos of all the sites from the original seasons back in Sydney, Tokyo and Iwami (pilgrimage nostalgia INTENSIFIES!!) Two specific scenes that I also loved to bits:

1) The part where the Tokyo/JP swim team reps, aka all the University kids aged 19 and above came together for a New Year reunion (?) party, and all of Haru’s circles, past and present were gathered together in one room. To me, Haru and his same age peers have felt even more scattered since HS graduation, drifted more apart as a squad… so it was really nostalgic and heartening to see them in such close proximity again. I missed them just doing things together at any time, all right? Squad feels give me life! 

2)The music montage where Haruka, Makoto, Rin, Sousuke, Asahi and Ikuya headed back to their hometown together riding on the local train and parting two by two along the way, with the last stop being Iwami for Haru and Makoto, where the juniors from Iwatobi are there to receive them. They’ve all come home! ‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

Free! is still what it is tho, so there’s the melodrama, angst and shenanigans we know and love, but it finally does feel like a proper movie rather than a cash grab made up of mostly flashback with “bonus” scenes. Final Stroke isn’t without its flaws (I have… issues with the English-speaking VAs), but I definitely haven’t felt the kind of feelings I used to have for this series at the peak of my obsession, and it’s only just part 1. I think those who fell in love with the original season and S2 would appreciate its return to form. KyoAni isn’t best known for unique storytelling, but if they can recapture the human aspect of the story again, then I have hopes the series will get the proper send off it deserves. 

Also yes, their animated water is still aesthetically captivating. As it should be. 

Furudate sensei be like, give me all your funky little dream scenarios of your Haikyuu!! favs and watch me make them canon.

Here I am, alone again

without you, without them

I never thought things would really end.

But after that fight, are pieces never seemed to fit back where they were supposed to.

As we grew apart I definitely took it worse, while you got friends and success, I found heartbreak and depression.

I didn’t loose just you, I lost our friends, my motivation, my confidence, and myself.

I didn’t know who I was anymore. But I kept thinking that someday everything will work itself out, we are meant to be in each other’s life’s.

After now months of internal turmoil, I have come to the realization that you don’t need me anymore.

You don’t love me anymore. And with that, I with leave you with this,

Thank you for teaching me to love when no one in my life has every loved me before.

And I’m sorry for hurting you the way you hurt me.

I hope your life is full of growth, prosperity, and love.

bye

I feel like other people maybe have a bigger impact on me than I do on them. I adore humanity, so I tend to hold on to whoever and whatever I can. The memories, experiences, and feelings I share with another person affect me so much. They help me change and grow, molding me into a better version of myself. I think other people are so wonderful and valuable and special, even if they weren’t the nicest to me. I think about them often, and am always thankful for the time we had together. Or, at the very least, thankful for the lessons I learned from them. A part of me will miss them forever; once you’re important to me, you stay that way, however much. I still have love for everyone I’ve ever cared about, all circumstances aside. But I can’t imagine anyone feeling the same in regards to me. It’s like I’m a speck of dust on the floor of a big house, something to overlook. A word in their vocabulary that isn’t spoken often. A fleeting moment that they won’t dwell on. A temporary character, someone they’re ready to leave behind. I can’t fathom someone remembering me once we exit each other’s lives, like all I am is forgettable. It doesn’t bother me too much, I guess, because you’re supposed to move on. That’s how it is. I just hope the people I’ve met got something positive or meaningful out of their time with me.

— alhwrites