#getting through

I wrote the following six years ago when I was 15, my dad was abusive and my mom ignored it I just found it in an old notebook. A child should never feel this much pain and fear. Someday I hope I can make this little girl proud.

Yellow Oak Tree:

The sun is hot and burning

The earth is cruel and harming

Fear surrounds the innocent

Can nothing be saved?

But as I lay beneath you shade a cloak of serenity cascades around me

I am safe

Under the yellow oak tree

Free from judgement

Protected from ridicule

Safe from death

Under the yellow oak tree.

All I want to do is close my eyes and when I open them be somewhere far away from where I am right now, where no one knows me but everyone wants to, and I a chance to finally be something.

I just wish I could tell you that I miss you,

I’m mad at you but I still love you

And I want you back in my life.

The worst you can say is no, so why am I so scared?

I can be mean to myself

Like I’m mean to everybody else

At least no one can say I’m not fair

It’s a messy life but we only get one

And I’m trying my best

To do it right

Sometimes it feels easier to just leave

Cut people out of your life the second they cross you

Never let anyone get too close

Look out for yourself and let everyone else do whatever it is they do.

It’s also lonely going through life by yourself

So worried about others that you end up locked away in your room every night

Wondering if anyone will ever actually know who you really are instead of the person you pretend to be.

Good things are coming

.

.

.

at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me.

To my love

Thank you for always being by my side

When everyone in my life would leave me

I knew I could always trust you

And that gives me hope for a better future

One where we can be happy

I know I haven’t always treated you with kindness

You’ve seen parts of me that no one else has, yet you still want me to be happy

You want me to be a better me

I love you

So from me to me…

Please be my Valentine

I’ve decided to go to war.

Not with anyone in particular but with my life.

For too long I have just followed life wherever it led me,

My life took away friends, family, and opportunities from me all while I was too busy being at war with what what going on in my own head.

Now, the fear, anxiety, and depression I have that were once my enemy have issued a treaty.

And we are going to take back my life,

Together.

It’s 2AM and I just cut all my hair off because I felt my life spiraling out of control yet again and I wanted to and I wanted to feel in control again. Now I’m kinda freaking out but I also kinda love my new hair!

I keep wanting to live my life in the past while everyone else is heading towards the future.

All the while I miss out on the goods things I have right in front of me in the present.

Why does the sun set?

The night lasts so much longer then the day.

Even though I know the sun will always come back,

The night frightens me.

As the darkens creeps in I lose sight of the future.

This all encompassing darkness hiding me from my loved ones and passions.

Still, at any moment, I know, the sun will rise.

So I will be patient, and have hope knowing that soon sunshine will wash over me again.

Take the good with the bad

Forgiveness is the greatest gift you can give yourself

I have no expectations, yet somehow I still keep getting hurt.

Here I am, alone again

without you, without them

I never thought things would really end.

But after that fight, are pieces never seemed to fit back where they were supposed to.

As we grew apart I definitely took it worse, while you got friends and success, I found heartbreak and depression.

I didn’t loose just you, I lost our friends, my motivation, my confidence, and myself.

I didn’t know who I was anymore. But I kept thinking that someday everything will work itself out, we are meant to be in each other’s life’s.

After now months of internal turmoil, I have come to the realization that you don’t need me anymore.

You don’t love me anymore. And with that, I with leave you with this,

Thank you for teaching me to love when no one in my life has every loved me before.

And I’m sorry for hurting you the way you hurt me.

I hope your life is full of growth, prosperity, and love.

bye

The mighty oak was once a small acorn that stood its ground

Scars may never heal, but they do fade

-younghumanwritesthoughts

As this point I’m just hoping that I turn into someone that my past self would be proud of

-younghumanwritesthoughts

Staying Positive Challenge:

For the next 21 days recall three things you are grateful for.

Day 7:

1. Performed in my last show

2. Got invited to a party

3. Was able to relax and unwind after an eventful weekend

Feeling my heartbeat in my ears after days of coffee and stress marathon…

The anxiety has its hands wrapped around my throat, I can’t breathe. Get me fucking out of this hell hole I call my mind.