#bpd struggles
So, listen.
All my life I’ve been doing my best to keep up with others, to get things done, to move forward just fast enough. Now I’m 24, I finished school but I have no further education and I’m far, FAR behind of what other people achieved at my age. My mental illnesses got in the way and forced me to go much slower.
I grew up believing that I’d be something great, that I’d be successful and normal and fine. Now I’m a 24 year old self taught ghostwriter, still struggling with addiction, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety etc. and that’s not what I had in mind. But guess what? It’s ok. I’m alive, I’m slowly learning how to live this life and I’ve learned one thing of importance: life is not a race nor is it a checklist you can go through step by step. You can’t outpace your own abilities and the sooner you accept your limits without limiting your potential, the sooner you’ll move in the right direction.
I got better. I stopped cutting, I’m clean, I have a job, a fiance, an apartment. I have a life, a good one. I’ve spent the past four years creating it step by step, far slower than everyone around me. Just to wake up today, noticing I don’t want to live it anymore.
On the wall right behind the place my therapist sits during our appointments is a quote of Max Frisch, Swiss author. It says that crisis is a productive condition. You just have to take away it’s taste of catastrophe. I’ve spend a lot of time looking at that quote and even more time thinking about it. I hope some day I’ll be able to follow Max Frischs advice.
You ask me ‘who are you?’ and I collapse. Who am I? I have a name, but I can’t put myself in words. I’m changing. Every day, every single moment. I’m trying to accept, that I’m a work in progress, yet a masterpiece. I’m more than you could ever understand and still less than you expect. I don’t know who exactly I am and I don’t think I’ll ever find out. That’s ok. I am. I just am.
I am.
Five years ago I wanted to die. Three years ago I thought life would never be worth it. Today I’m still struggling, but that’s ok. I’m still here and I’m finally glad that I am.
At the moment I feel like dying. But I won’t. I’ve felt like this before. And I’ll survive.
After all these years of ‘I can’t’, saying 'I can and I will’ feels like finally breaking free.
Recovery is worth it, I promise.
Sometimes it’s my own temper that scares me most.
Friend: I have my last therapy session tomorrow.
Me: Wait…you mean people start therapy…and they’re done at some point?????
Word.
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When the world is crashing around me (either actually crashing around me, or my brain TELLS ME it’s crashing around me), I turn to crafting to shut everyone and everything out. It quiets the demons. These are a few of my fairy miniatures that I make (I make tons and tons lol). I am eventually going to snap out of my own head and get to selling them again, but for now, I just quiet the demons with crafting these.
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Anyone else have cool things they do to shut the mind demons the hell up? (I mean, haha with BPD we all have self sabotage type things we do lol, but I’m talking crafty or cool things.)
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Any other time, I feel I deserved it. Manic time? WHATCHUSAY???
“are u ok” no I need to be hugged for 24 hours straight
Always a classic for us mentally fucked ones. DONT DENY IT.
IF THIS ISN’T MY LIFE IDK WHAT IS
Hahahaha except who tf actually learns to “control” their emotions
Me when I say to anyone “I’m fine lol”
It’s one of those nights. I don’t even know how to tell anyone what’s wrong. I don’t really even know what’s wrong. But it’s all wrong.
I’m not ok.
SAME AND ALSO BO
