#dysmorphia
can never decide whether i should be annoyed or flattered when I say I don’t like how i look and people are like “?????” because like great, thanks, im glad you think im attractive. i literally have gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia and i fucking hate seeing my own face
melian does not eat like an elf does. she sees elves eating fruit off the vine, and digs up roots to shove into her mouth, into a stomach that goes nowhere, to feed a hunger she can never feel. on her worst days, she is amorphous, forgetting what melian the queen looks like.
radagast does not speak, forgetting how after centuries of disuse. he wheezes, purrs and clicks, and the animals of the wood understand all of it, giving him an applause only he can hear. the beloved son of yavanna houses animals under his skin, sustaining the vulnerable off his own mana.
saruman is the most unhinged, his appearance wearing thin on him, and occasionally melting. any new patches of skin simply wilt off, and he has given up. what is left of his skin remains on him, held together by stitches and mana that serves as glue. his facial features are too distorted to make sense of.
gandalf hides it the best, staving excess energy off in the form of his pipe, streaming away whenever it gets too much. he knows the consequences of untapped power going unchecked. on days where it is hard to hide, he screams in a voice that is far too young for the body he is in, with pulses of energy tearing themselves from him. the process leaves him exhausted, but it is worth it, simply to feel like a mortal in those moments.
im young yet my body feels rotten and wasted like it’s already decaying ready to just become dust. i hate being pointed out that im young as if that means i must be perfectly healthy. i hate feeling like my body has failed me and im not like others. i hate my body and i hate myself
No doubt, if you’re here reading this, then you’ve already seen the video by Derrick Gordon (sorry to this man) featuring openly gay WWE super star Darren Young.
In case you have not seen that video, I will summarize it for you here:
Two Gay Black Men spend half an hour talking about how they don’t find Black men attractive while simultaneously claiming that the qualities they find attractive in White and Asian men are universal qualities that can be found in all men, including Black men, but somehow arrive at the conclusion that they like what they like and that just happens to be non Black men, period… Don’t question it.
The video starts off innocently enough. You have your “it’s ya boi” introduction, we get a bit of history about the guest; we get some touching stories about how being a Black gay man in the WWE can be a heroic position with regard to helping other gay men accepting who they are etc.
Then, at right before 8 minutes, the subject comes up: Darren only dates Asians. Darren takes that opening to talk about his past relationship and how he is still able to work with his ex, a Puerto Rican/ Filipino person named Nikki, for a few minutes.
Unrelenting and determined to get to the part where we talk about dating non Black folks, Derrick wrangles Darren back in at about 10:30 with:
“what made you want to date only Asians? Why not white? Why not Black as well?… Why specifically only Asians?”
Darren responds that he dates anybody, but it wasn’t until he dated nikki that he came out.
“He was my first Asian Experience… Filipino and Puerto Rican”
Now, earlier in the video, Darren says he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and because of that, I’m questioning whether he believes that Puerto Ricans are Asian, but that’s beside the point.
He goes on to say that he learned and continues to learn a lot about himself from his ex boyfriend on all sorts of issues ranging from transgender people to fashion to having patience with bringing issues up and talking about what he’s feeling… because it’s part of the culture… The Asian culture…. To talk about your feelings and not bottle it all up….. Side note, which asian culture is he talking about because just about every Asian I know, Filipinos included, my own family included, the families of my friends and loved ones included have issues with talking to each other. I digress… He says that this is part of the culture and why he is attracted to his Filipino (and by this time he’s just left out the Puerto Rican) boyfriend.
he cheers for couples that are interacial gay couples because that’s how it should be in our community. Then he says something weird about how they’re public figures and having their backs against the wall and having to share their own story and explain themselves; I’m assuming that’s the story of why they don’t date black men…. as public figures. Ok.
The only problem is… They never really end up explaining themselves. By this point, we’re 13 minutes into the video and we still have a good 14 minutes to go.
So after Darren talks about himself, Derrick is given the opportunity to “explain” himself. Out the gate he lists the names of famous Black gay men who are dating, have dated, or are married to White men, topping the list of with “Bobby Porter” who he really looks up to (He meant Billy Porter). I’ll let you decipher those tea leaves…
He then goes on to name three white actors that he finds hot, Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman and Robert Downey Junior.
Look, I’m all for the different strokes for different folks methodology of living your life. I too can be attracted to white men. That’s not the issue here. But just for the record, those three white men wouldn’t be the white men I’D be attracted to.
Derrick cites the reason why he likes those three white men as “because they have a physically mature and masculine look…” Ok… “By all means I can look at someone black and say he’s handsome, but he does nothing for me sexually” to which Darren channels his inner Jada and Will Smith at the red table “likewise yes yes” as if what this man is saying is hitting on anything other than blatant self hate and antiblackness.
I’ve spent too much time on this. Watch the video yourself and realize that you can like what you like without putting any other group down, but least of all the group that you represent.
Inktober - Hide
Allow me to recount the extent that I despise myself.
Looking into mirrors has never been a practice of vanity, no matter the hours I’ve lost staring back at the monster I saw. Illustrations too close to what I am in reality holds no amount of aesthetic merit to me. Family albums are still devoid of years of my life from the fervency I duck out of photos, untag myself on social media, and conveniently crop myself out of.
As much as dysmorphia and disordered eating has dictated that I reject myself, so much of my existence has been poured into that self-hatred. I want to change. I’ve wanted to change since middle school. But recovery is a painful cycle of breaking free, stepping forward, and faltering back into those shadows.
Sometimes, all I can do is hide, and fall apart in isolation.
when i went to see my first psychiatrist she realized pretty quickly i had body image distortions. and to gauge how severe they were, i suppose, she asked me “so which celebrity is closest to how you picture yourself?” to this day that is the dumbest question i have ever been asked.
1) celebrities are generally beautiful
2) i just told you i look inhuman and i’m not going to drag some random stranger down to that level with me. are you serious?
3) this isn’t teen vogue you condescending quack
i should have said kylie jenner just to fuck with her
however, lastly, and i mean this in the most neutral and not calling him ugly way possible… it IS paul dano. i look like paul dano.
BDD does not need to go this hard on me while i am fucking working
i just want cosmetic surgery so badly
It’s normal for those of us on a recovery journey to feel “left behind”.
Sometimes it’s watching our friends, family, or peers get ahead while we feel stuck. Sometimes it’s seeing things that people your age are accomplishing and feeling like you’ll never measure up. Sometimes it’s the bitterness of knowing that days/months/years of your life were “stolen” by your mental illness or disorder.
It’s not fun. But rest assured, you’re not alone. You’ll find your way in your own time.
gotta believe there’s a god out there because if i lost this fucking measuring tape i would have found it by now. someone took it away from me for my own good
no one wants to ever talk about this because its the “ugly symptom” of depression—and neurotypical people finding out about this just dont understand and can be really cruel—but man, the struggle to just shower, brush your teeth, shave, change your clothes, do your hair–even just once a week, is unfathomably hard.
and its not laziness. like, I don’t want to be like this. it costs me every once of willpower and strength to do these mundane things. and afterwards you just feel sapped of all your energy for the rest of the day and end up sleeping through it just because you’re so mentally/physically drained.
i need a mirrror that i can’t see myself in for several reasons
realizing cis women also struggle with “passing” a lot of times and has a lot of the same issues with dysphoria trans women have (issues with putting on/losing weight, dissatisfied with bust size, not feeling “feminine” enough, etc.) has done a lot to combat dysphoria for me, cause it’s like, wow, we really have a lot more in common than we have in difference huh
terfs are starting to find this post, and i gotta say: terfs getting mad at a post that explicitly acknowledges cis women’s struggles and with notes full of cis women agreeing and talking about their own struggles and experiences really speaks volumes about how anti-feminist, and frankly misogynistic, terfs really are, that they don’t even give a shit about cis women’s struggles and experiences
People perceive the differences between genders to be so distinct and clear partly because people who don’t fit the mold are made to feel like freaks, and everyone is held to a standard of “masculinity” or “femininity” that most real people don’t actually fit
Loads of cis women shave their faces, some even can grow full beards, but people think it’s a lot rarer than it actually is because it’s “Bad” for a woman to look “masculine”
